Chapter One

I can feel her, taste her, smell her…god I love her. Why don't I ever tell her? She tells me. Does she think I'm using her for this? Of course not—she knows how I feel about her. Right?? I pull myself from the internal doubts surfacing in my mind and refocus my attention to her neck. I suck on the sensitive part just behind her earlobe. She moans, arching her back so her bare breast collides with my chest. I lose it. She slips a hand down my boxers. My heartbeat quickens. Only she can do this to me. It's a mere matter of seconds before were completely undressed. Nothing can distract us from this moment. Nothing. Everything is perfect. She is perfect. Her gorgeous gray-blue eyes are all I see. The scent of her shampoo is all I can smell. The sound of her heart beat, soft breaths, and gentle moans are all I can hear—I could listen all day. Suddenly her heartbeat becomes uncharacteristically loud and fast. It seems to beep. It's getting louder…faster-----

I wake up panting, look around, and find myself in my bed…alone. I turn to the loud and rapidly beeping alarm clock. I slap the snooze button in frustration.

It was just a dream.

I can't believe I dreamt about her. Actually, I can…I mean, all I ever do is think about her. I…I miss her. But that was my own fucking fault. I lost her. I gave her up. I abandoned her, alone and confused; why? So that she could run off with Volchok and get her heart broken?? No. Or so that I could run off with Sadie to live happily-ever-after at Berkeley?? Definitely no.

The more I think about how much I fucked this up, the more depressed I get.

We've broken up in the past, but this time's different. I don't think she'll ever come back to me…not like I deserve it. But the thought that I'll never be with her again, it…it scares me. It scares the hell out of me, because she's the only person I've ever really loved like that. And she's the only person I think I ever will.

I take in my surroundings. No Marissa. I'm alone….but not for long.

"Good morning buddy, it's going to be a borderline fantastic day!" announced Seth as he barged into the poolhouse.

"Why borderline?" I ask in a groggy voice.

"Because my friend slash almost brother, from the look on your face I'm sensing lady drama," retorted Seth.

"Go away Seth," I said.

"So I'm right!" confirms Seth triumphantly. "Which one is it this time, huh? Theresa? Because you guys were looking pretty chummy at the prom the other night," interrogated Seth.

"Chummy, Seth? And no, it's not Theresa," I respond.

"Well then, Sadie. You miss her?"

"No, not really," I say.

"I got it!" Seth said. "It's Lindsey! You're looking for a little more of that grandpa's-illegitimate-daughter slash almost-your-Aunt action! I got 'ya buddy! Kinky."

I look at him, trying my hardest not to laugh and say, "shut-up Seth… And you're wrong again. This is not about Lindsey."

Seth looks at me quizzically, "Wait then who??" The puzzled expression on Seth's face soon turns to astonishment---"Holy Jesus and Moses!" he says.

I groan inwardly realizing this whole guessing game was a bad idea …

"It's Marissa!! …Wow," Seth states. I just look at him.

Every time I here her name my mind goes crazy. I don't know what to say to Seth. And for the first time maybe in his whole life … Seth seems speechless too.

"What? Say something," I plead.

"It's just … dude, I thought you and Marissa were done, for like good."

"We were. We are. I don't know. Is that what you think? Do you think we'll never be able to be together again?" Ryan asks.

"Wow there, Ryan Atwood! I think you just articulated over 20 syllables in one thought—impressive," Seth observes.

I give Seth a look.

He takes the hint and continues with a somewhat more serious demeanor, "I think that if being with Marissa is something you really want—and I mean really want—then go for it, man. But don't screw it up, okay? 'Cause both of you got hurt the last time, remember? You'll be seeing each other next fall at Berkeley and these drama-filled relationships sometimes have consequences. You two are my best friends and I just…" Seth let out a sigh, trying not to look into his friends pleading and worried eyes, "I just don't want another bad break-up to be the way we all remember our last summer in Newport."

Ryan was shocked as to how serious Seth was. He really has strong feelings about the subject. Ryan realized that was because he cared about both Marissa and him … Ryan just had to make Seth realized how much he still cared about Marissa. Life in Newport was never certain, but Ryan was sure that his feelings for Marissa weren't going away anytime soon.

"You're right, Seth…" conceded Ryan. He thought for a long moment, wondering if he should actually say what he was about to say. He did it anyway: "…but I love her."