TITLE: Reality (Part 4 of series)
AUTHOR: Ally K
EMAIL: sunshine_slayer@hotmail.com
ARCHIVE: heliopolis when its back up and running, website in progress
CATEGORY: POV, S/J, Future
SPOILERS:
SEASON/SEQUEL: Guilt
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS:
SUMMARY: Reality hits Sam hard in the face when she must decide whether to risk loosing her children for Jack...
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine; the actual story and idea is mine, but the characters and name etc, don't belong to me.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: There might be a sequel depending on response. Feedback would really be appreciated; did u love/hate it, any comments would really help.
Reality
I don't want to let him go but I know I must. After three hours of not allowing him out of my sight, I have to leave and pick up the kids. Three hours of mind-blowing kisses and the rest of the time (which wasn't a lot!), we just talked. It felt like we had stepped back in time, and nothing had changed. Everything was perfect in the dream that I had been in for the past few hours.
Reality was a different story altogether, there I was forced to leave my 'dream' and pick up my children. They were still part of the dream but they had strings attached to them, Toby, my husband, who didn't fit into the equation. The truth was I didn't really want to do this to him; he definitely didn't deserve it, but after those three hours, there is no turning back. I want to be with Jack, which meant I had to leave my simple, but safe, lifestyle behind.
"Do you have to go?" he sounded like a child, asking for 'one' more ride, which of course would never be the last one. He grabbed my arm, not hard, just to stop me.
"I *have* to pick them up from school, I can't leave them stranded there!" I laugh, but I worry. Will the children guess, and I can't believe I don't know how to act round them, now?
"Can't you phone one of their friends?"
I take his hand from my arm and kiss it gently. "No" he gives me the wounded puppy look, which he knows I can hardly resist but I stick to my guns. "I promised to take them to the cinema, and Abby will kill me if I don't!"
"I'll come then".
"No" I shout. "You can't meet them" he looked a bit hurt but then I think he realises just how stupid what he said sounded. "Not yet".
He sees my worry, and he puts his arm back around me and pulls me close. "Sam, I know this is going to be hard on you, and you have so much more to lose than I do, but I will help you every step of the way".
His words reassure me but I am still no closer to figuring out how I am going to tell the kids, and how I can tell Toby?
"Thank you" he moves in, and we kiss. "I just can't say it yet. Give me time to tell them".
"Just don't leave it too long, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be," he tells me, not harshly but honestly.
"I know" I look at my watch again. School finishes in fifteen minutes, and I realise I can't leave the inevitable any longer. "I'll see you tomorrow" I kiss him on the cheek.
"Same time and place?"
"Sure." he moves in and we kiss passionately. I force myself away and leave. As I keep on walking, I find myself craving one of those kisses. I smile at the thought, but I know I have to forget about him, just till tomorrow; otherwise everything could go wrong.
I greet the kids with a smile and try to forget about Jack. I know it's impossible to totally forget, but I attempt to by talking to the kids.
"How was your day at school?"
"Are we still going to the cinema?" Abby checks.
I roll my eyes at her. "Yes Abby, we are still going there, care to answer my question?"
"We did adding" she responds smiling, like me she actually likes maths.
"Mark, how about you sweetie?"
"We painted" he hands me a sweet painting with a few different coloured blobs with smiling faces. "That's you mummy," he points to the red blob. "That's me" a blue blob with the biggest smile of all. "Abby" a smaller red blob and "that's Daddy" I slightly cringe as he points to the green blob but manage to fake a smile.
"That's lovely Mark, we'll have to put it up on the wall, after we've shown Daddy" I take both their hands and cross the road to the car.
All through the film I think about what I am going to do and how I can possibly tell them that I was splitting up with their Daddy? How do you tell them a decision that will change their life forever? As I gaze upon my two unsuspecting children, who just smile as they watch the movie, they had been so desperate to see; a cruel thought suddenly strikes me. What if they hate Jack? Until that moment the very idea I hadn't even conceived and now it frightens the hell out of me. What if they can't accept him? Worse, what if they can't forgive me for what I am about to do to them? I can't have my children hating me; can I really risk loosing their affection? Am I being so selfish to want to be truly happy, or should I just be happy with what I have now?
"Mummy, why are you crying?" Mark asks innocently.
I barely even realise I was, but I turn to him and smile. "I get weepy in happy points" much to my luck, the main two characters have just kissed and it is an elated moment.
"People cry when they are sad" he asks confused.
"Not always" I laugh slightly nervously. "Now watch the rest of the movie" I smile at him.
Could my children really desert me? The thought keeps me tossing and turning all night. At dinner I was a little subdued and I just hope that Toby didn't notice, but somehow I managed not to flinch when he kissed me before going to bed. I talked civilly to him about his day, and played the dutiful wife till I was alone, then all I did was worry.
I lie with my eyes open gazing into the darkness; I can feel the bed move as Toby turns. He sleeps soundly and I watch him and remember how sweet he was to me when I was in need of love. Jack was the one that caused that pain and deep down, I am anxious at the fact that he could do it all again. Do I really trust him not to? If I do leave Toby for him, and then what if the kids do hate me for it, and then Jack then decides to leave me? I will have nothing because I gave it up for *him*. Can I risk that? I have to be sure, but can I ever be truly sure? One way or another, I have to determine whether I can trust him, because until I do, I'm not taking any risks.
~
I drop the kids off and go and meet Jack in the park, as I did yesterday. Yet, I feel more nervous today than I did yesterday, as I know my whole future rests on how he reacts to my question. *The* question.
I can't even look at him. He puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me gently back, forcing me to look at him.
"Are you regretting yesterday?" he asks anxiously.
I stare at him. "I don't know, it depends on the your answer to my question".
"Tell me, *please*", he begs.
I take in a deep breath and a shiver creeps down my spine. "How do I know you won't leave me again?"
He makes me fully face him and sweeps the bangs from my face. "I don't know what the future will hold, and honestly, I don't think I can promise anything". I stare at him, wondering why I haven't moved away yet? This was meant to be reassuring, I can't believe how wrong I was.he then takes my hand into his. "What I *do* know, is that I * love* you, and leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. I know now how foolish I was and I don't want to ever be without you. Samantha, I love you and if you love me, then nothing else should ever keep us apart. *Please * just give me another chance, I know I don't deserve it, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you how happy you make me feel, if you let me..".
I throw my arms around his neck and pull him close. "I love you too Jack, and I don't want to ever be without *you* again". He looks at me and then sweeps away the tears, I didn't even realise had fallen from my eyes. This time the kiss is tenderer, more compassionate, with warmth as opposed to attraction, of yesterday's kisses.
I just sit in his arms, comfortable of the now, but my brow shows my worry. I am no longer unsure of what I am going to do, I know I want to be with Jack and somehow I will. I have to tell Toby, but when is there is a *best* time to tell your husband you're leaving him. I remember Jack's words 'the longer you leave it, the harder it will be'.
I turn to Jack. "I really better get back, I still have chores to do".
His face saddens but his look now understands. "Ok" I turn to leave but he holds my arm. "Sam does this mean.?"
His eyes are confused but hope glitters in them. I nod. In one simple action, I have confirmed that I will change my life for him. "I want to be with you, I'll tell Toby tonight".
Tonight? Where did that come from? I shouldn't put it off, yes; tonight is a good idea.
He looks astounded. "Really, so soon?"
"Why put it off?" I try to sound confident but I slightly worry at his response.
I think he senses my anxiety and he reassures me. "Sam. It's a *good* thing, I want to be with you now, but I just know how hard this is going to be for you. Are you ready?"
I wanted to shout, "of course I'm not, I'll never be ready" but I don't, as I wouldn't want to do anything to upset him.
"As I'll ever be" I answer truthfully and I kiss him goodbye.
This time I look back and smile. Perhaps, I might be truly happy again, as I was seven years ago, when we last together.
~ I make the dinner quickly, and tell the children that they have to go to bed early, as I did take them to the cinema. I have learnt before, children do respond to bribery, well at the prospect that I might use it against them, the next time they want to go! Anyway, Abby and Mark are in bed, after bedtime stories and goodnight kisses, and I am finally alone with Toby. My heart is pounding so hard in my ear I can barely concentrate, especially as my hands are shaking, and I am sure I am going to faint. I shake my head and prepare myself. Here I go...yep now...say something!
"Samantha, is there anything wrong?"
Now.
"Toby..." I falter but then look at him, straight in the eye and try to begin again. "Our relationship has changed over the past few years, we aren't as close as we used to be" Totally true but Toby's face sends a shiver down my spine, it is calm, eerily calm.
"I suppose so" he answers.
"I don't think I love you anymore" I blurt it out and he looks shocked.
"What?" he shouts, then he calms himself as he realises. "You've found someone else, haven't you? That is what all this about, it has *nothing* to do with *our * relationship. Does it?"
I breathe in deeply before I answer. I have to word it carefully. "I am seeing someone else, but it still doesn't change the fact that either if us don't love..."
He cuts me off. "How dare you!" he screams.
I hear the children wake up crying, I am desperate to see them and calm them, but I daren't.
"I didn't mean it to happen, I loved him a long time ago and I guess I still feel the..."
"Get out" he screams.
Tears are streaming down my face. "What about the children?"
"You've made your choice, you *can't* have both. Now get out of my house" he screams.
"You can't keep me from my children" I shout at him.
He grabs my arm and throws me out the door. "I can *do*, anything I want" he tells me callously as he slams the door.
tbc
AUTHOR: Ally K
EMAIL: sunshine_slayer@hotmail.com
ARCHIVE: heliopolis when its back up and running, website in progress
CATEGORY: POV, S/J, Future
SPOILERS:
SEASON/SEQUEL: Guilt
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS:
SUMMARY: Reality hits Sam hard in the face when she must decide whether to risk loosing her children for Jack...
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine; the actual story and idea is mine, but the characters and name etc, don't belong to me.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: There might be a sequel depending on response. Feedback would really be appreciated; did u love/hate it, any comments would really help.
Reality
I don't want to let him go but I know I must. After three hours of not allowing him out of my sight, I have to leave and pick up the kids. Three hours of mind-blowing kisses and the rest of the time (which wasn't a lot!), we just talked. It felt like we had stepped back in time, and nothing had changed. Everything was perfect in the dream that I had been in for the past few hours.
Reality was a different story altogether, there I was forced to leave my 'dream' and pick up my children. They were still part of the dream but they had strings attached to them, Toby, my husband, who didn't fit into the equation. The truth was I didn't really want to do this to him; he definitely didn't deserve it, but after those three hours, there is no turning back. I want to be with Jack, which meant I had to leave my simple, but safe, lifestyle behind.
"Do you have to go?" he sounded like a child, asking for 'one' more ride, which of course would never be the last one. He grabbed my arm, not hard, just to stop me.
"I *have* to pick them up from school, I can't leave them stranded there!" I laugh, but I worry. Will the children guess, and I can't believe I don't know how to act round them, now?
"Can't you phone one of their friends?"
I take his hand from my arm and kiss it gently. "No" he gives me the wounded puppy look, which he knows I can hardly resist but I stick to my guns. "I promised to take them to the cinema, and Abby will kill me if I don't!"
"I'll come then".
"No" I shout. "You can't meet them" he looked a bit hurt but then I think he realises just how stupid what he said sounded. "Not yet".
He sees my worry, and he puts his arm back around me and pulls me close. "Sam, I know this is going to be hard on you, and you have so much more to lose than I do, but I will help you every step of the way".
His words reassure me but I am still no closer to figuring out how I am going to tell the kids, and how I can tell Toby?
"Thank you" he moves in, and we kiss. "I just can't say it yet. Give me time to tell them".
"Just don't leave it too long, the longer you leave it, the harder it will be," he tells me, not harshly but honestly.
"I know" I look at my watch again. School finishes in fifteen minutes, and I realise I can't leave the inevitable any longer. "I'll see you tomorrow" I kiss him on the cheek.
"Same time and place?"
"Sure." he moves in and we kiss passionately. I force myself away and leave. As I keep on walking, I find myself craving one of those kisses. I smile at the thought, but I know I have to forget about him, just till tomorrow; otherwise everything could go wrong.
I greet the kids with a smile and try to forget about Jack. I know it's impossible to totally forget, but I attempt to by talking to the kids.
"How was your day at school?"
"Are we still going to the cinema?" Abby checks.
I roll my eyes at her. "Yes Abby, we are still going there, care to answer my question?"
"We did adding" she responds smiling, like me she actually likes maths.
"Mark, how about you sweetie?"
"We painted" he hands me a sweet painting with a few different coloured blobs with smiling faces. "That's you mummy," he points to the red blob. "That's me" a blue blob with the biggest smile of all. "Abby" a smaller red blob and "that's Daddy" I slightly cringe as he points to the green blob but manage to fake a smile.
"That's lovely Mark, we'll have to put it up on the wall, after we've shown Daddy" I take both their hands and cross the road to the car.
All through the film I think about what I am going to do and how I can possibly tell them that I was splitting up with their Daddy? How do you tell them a decision that will change their life forever? As I gaze upon my two unsuspecting children, who just smile as they watch the movie, they had been so desperate to see; a cruel thought suddenly strikes me. What if they hate Jack? Until that moment the very idea I hadn't even conceived and now it frightens the hell out of me. What if they can't accept him? Worse, what if they can't forgive me for what I am about to do to them? I can't have my children hating me; can I really risk loosing their affection? Am I being so selfish to want to be truly happy, or should I just be happy with what I have now?
"Mummy, why are you crying?" Mark asks innocently.
I barely even realise I was, but I turn to him and smile. "I get weepy in happy points" much to my luck, the main two characters have just kissed and it is an elated moment.
"People cry when they are sad" he asks confused.
"Not always" I laugh slightly nervously. "Now watch the rest of the movie" I smile at him.
Could my children really desert me? The thought keeps me tossing and turning all night. At dinner I was a little subdued and I just hope that Toby didn't notice, but somehow I managed not to flinch when he kissed me before going to bed. I talked civilly to him about his day, and played the dutiful wife till I was alone, then all I did was worry.
I lie with my eyes open gazing into the darkness; I can feel the bed move as Toby turns. He sleeps soundly and I watch him and remember how sweet he was to me when I was in need of love. Jack was the one that caused that pain and deep down, I am anxious at the fact that he could do it all again. Do I really trust him not to? If I do leave Toby for him, and then what if the kids do hate me for it, and then Jack then decides to leave me? I will have nothing because I gave it up for *him*. Can I risk that? I have to be sure, but can I ever be truly sure? One way or another, I have to determine whether I can trust him, because until I do, I'm not taking any risks.
~
I drop the kids off and go and meet Jack in the park, as I did yesterday. Yet, I feel more nervous today than I did yesterday, as I know my whole future rests on how he reacts to my question. *The* question.
I can't even look at him. He puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me gently back, forcing me to look at him.
"Are you regretting yesterday?" he asks anxiously.
I stare at him. "I don't know, it depends on the your answer to my question".
"Tell me, *please*", he begs.
I take in a deep breath and a shiver creeps down my spine. "How do I know you won't leave me again?"
He makes me fully face him and sweeps the bangs from my face. "I don't know what the future will hold, and honestly, I don't think I can promise anything". I stare at him, wondering why I haven't moved away yet? This was meant to be reassuring, I can't believe how wrong I was.he then takes my hand into his. "What I *do* know, is that I * love* you, and leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. I know now how foolish I was and I don't want to ever be without you. Samantha, I love you and if you love me, then nothing else should ever keep us apart. *Please * just give me another chance, I know I don't deserve it, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you how happy you make me feel, if you let me..".
I throw my arms around his neck and pull him close. "I love you too Jack, and I don't want to ever be without *you* again". He looks at me and then sweeps away the tears, I didn't even realise had fallen from my eyes. This time the kiss is tenderer, more compassionate, with warmth as opposed to attraction, of yesterday's kisses.
I just sit in his arms, comfortable of the now, but my brow shows my worry. I am no longer unsure of what I am going to do, I know I want to be with Jack and somehow I will. I have to tell Toby, but when is there is a *best* time to tell your husband you're leaving him. I remember Jack's words 'the longer you leave it, the harder it will be'.
I turn to Jack. "I really better get back, I still have chores to do".
His face saddens but his look now understands. "Ok" I turn to leave but he holds my arm. "Sam does this mean.?"
His eyes are confused but hope glitters in them. I nod. In one simple action, I have confirmed that I will change my life for him. "I want to be with you, I'll tell Toby tonight".
Tonight? Where did that come from? I shouldn't put it off, yes; tonight is a good idea.
He looks astounded. "Really, so soon?"
"Why put it off?" I try to sound confident but I slightly worry at his response.
I think he senses my anxiety and he reassures me. "Sam. It's a *good* thing, I want to be with you now, but I just know how hard this is going to be for you. Are you ready?"
I wanted to shout, "of course I'm not, I'll never be ready" but I don't, as I wouldn't want to do anything to upset him.
"As I'll ever be" I answer truthfully and I kiss him goodbye.
This time I look back and smile. Perhaps, I might be truly happy again, as I was seven years ago, when we last together.
~ I make the dinner quickly, and tell the children that they have to go to bed early, as I did take them to the cinema. I have learnt before, children do respond to bribery, well at the prospect that I might use it against them, the next time they want to go! Anyway, Abby and Mark are in bed, after bedtime stories and goodnight kisses, and I am finally alone with Toby. My heart is pounding so hard in my ear I can barely concentrate, especially as my hands are shaking, and I am sure I am going to faint. I shake my head and prepare myself. Here I go...yep now...say something!
"Samantha, is there anything wrong?"
Now.
"Toby..." I falter but then look at him, straight in the eye and try to begin again. "Our relationship has changed over the past few years, we aren't as close as we used to be" Totally true but Toby's face sends a shiver down my spine, it is calm, eerily calm.
"I suppose so" he answers.
"I don't think I love you anymore" I blurt it out and he looks shocked.
"What?" he shouts, then he calms himself as he realises. "You've found someone else, haven't you? That is what all this about, it has *nothing* to do with *our * relationship. Does it?"
I breathe in deeply before I answer. I have to word it carefully. "I am seeing someone else, but it still doesn't change the fact that either if us don't love..."
He cuts me off. "How dare you!" he screams.
I hear the children wake up crying, I am desperate to see them and calm them, but I daren't.
"I didn't mean it to happen, I loved him a long time ago and I guess I still feel the..."
"Get out" he screams.
Tears are streaming down my face. "What about the children?"
"You've made your choice, you *can't* have both. Now get out of my house" he screams.
"You can't keep me from my children" I shout at him.
He grabs my arm and throws me out the door. "I can *do*, anything I want" he tells me callously as he slams the door.
tbc