I'm Still Here, a charmed fanfic

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment
That's held in your arms

Chris stood, slowly. He roamed idly to the window in his room, staring down into the back yard, where his parents were arguing, yet again, about him.

And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be

It wasn't like he could control some of the things he did. He was pissed off at his entire family for expecting him to be the Chris they had known…the Chris that had come back from the future to save his brother. They didn't seem to understand that that Chris had grown up under entirely different circumstances, not the least of which had been his evil brother imposing his will on everyone. The Chris they had raised in the present had rebelled harshly against the helpful, eager-to-vanquish persona he had been given from the moment he was conceived. He wasn't that guy. When were they gonna understand?

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me
And throw me away

That was what sickened him. His family tried to pretend they understood what it was like to be compared with an alternate self, a self, moreover, that he had never met and under whose standards he could never be met.

And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

Well, damnit, he had tried to show them that he wasn't that guy they had known. They didn't know him because they had never taken the time to get to know him. They wanted the Chris they knew, though they had often been frustrated at him. Well, they'd had fifteen years to get used to the Chris they were stuck with, and they hadn't. To be honest, he didn't think they'd ever get used to him. And he hated that.

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

It hurt him to know that they wanted him to change to become the Chris who had returned to the past to save them. They wanted him to change, but they didn't do anything to help him understand how he was supposed to change his fundamental self. He didn't belong in the family. As far as he was concerned, there really wasn't any point in trying to belong until his family had come to understand that he wasn't who they kept expecting him to be.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me
And I'm not afraid

Maybe that's why he took comfort in his sisters. They understood his root pains and took great joy in helping him. They, instinctually, understood who he was. No one else could do that. It was only their love that kept him sane. As long as he had them, he knew he would be okay. They had a way of making things seem okay, even if they really weren't. They took his fears away. A lot of the time, he felt it was only their standards that he could live up to, because only they understood him and his limits and who he was as a person.

And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

He could tell his sisters all day who he thought he was, and they could tell him just how accurate he was. They were good at reading people…even better than Phoebe the empath. They helped him be who he was, even when the person he was wasn't what everyone else wanted. They were cool like that.

They can't tell me who to be
Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleeping while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe

Everyone tried to tell him who to be, but who he was wasn't what they thought he was. He wasn't keen to save the world. He didn't really care when a demon showed up on the front doorstep. He didn't dwell on it, pondering what the demon wanted. He blew the demon's ass to bits, and that was that, as far as he was concerned. He didn't think demon-hunting was the best sport in the world…he'd just as soon watch a hockey game with his friends. No one but his sisters seemed to understand that about him. No, he wasn't perfect. No, he wasn't exactly the example of the son of a Charmed One and a Whitelighter that Wyatt was and that everyone wanted him to be. He was who he was, and that's all he could be.

Chris turned away from the window and the sounds of his fighting parents. The person they wanted wasn't here. They would have to accept, as his sisters did, that they were stuck with the current model, and they would have to be happy with it. Until then, though, he wasn't going to be the person they wanted. He was going to be the only person he knew how to be, and that was himself.