Dear Diary,
Tonight is simply one of those nights. Another one when I will fall asleep in the company of only myself. I am honestly not sure how much longer I can take this... Denmark is at the bar with Prussia again. He offered to take me as well, but I rejected the offer, thinking he wouldn't leave me here by myself once again. I was wrong. I'm beginning to blame myself for everything that has been happening lately. Iceland doesn't even communicate with me anymore, now that he has a boyfriend. He doesn't need me or my company anymore. I miss the feeling of his tiny hand in mine, and the way he would always run to me for a hug and a kiss every time I got home from somewhere. I miss the feeling of being responsible for and being depended upon by someone more important than myself.
I think Denmark feels it too. He doesn't show it as much because he feels as though he needs to be strong for me, but I know he misses the little things as well. More than once I have caught him looking at some of the hundreds of pictures I took of Iceland while he holds one of his old stuffed animals to his chest and closes his eyes. I'm not sure what Denmark's reasons are for indulging in the bar so much lately, but I can guess it has something to do with Iceland's independence and desire to just get away and be with his boyfriend so much. Again, I can't help but blame myself also. I think he may finally be getting tired of loving someone so incapable of understanding his love for me that he's giving up. It breaks my heart to think about, but maybe he doesn't know how much I honestly and truly love him with all my heart and soul, and the fact that I could not go on without him. It's apparent that he always has a good time whenever he goes to the bar with Gilbert, and for that reason, I would never dream of telling him what it's like for me when I'm alone. If he loves me like I think he does, he wouldn't be able to handle the things I tell him. He doesn't believe in suffering in silence, but I'll do it. For him.
Because when I'm alone, the darkness and aching loneliness, self-hate and sadness breaks through. Whenever I think back to the days when we were so close, when he used to rock me and hold me until whatever problems I had seemed to fade away, whenever he played piano for me and every single time I looekd into those blue eyes of his I knew I was completely secure and protected and loved, the thought of him not beign here is just too much for me to handle. He doesn't know that I feel this way. Underneath his strong, tough exterior I know he has a really gentle heart. The simplest things can set him off on agonizing periods of guilt and regret. I don't want to make him feel that way ever again. I couldn't.
He puts so much effort into everything he does for me. If I wasn't such a total recluse and actually understood myself and my own feelings, maybe he would be here with me right now. Maybe. I don't know why Iceland isn't here though. Maybe everyone's getting tired of me. Maybe.
-The Kingdom of Norway