You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
That I want it that way
I stared up at the stars glittering against the dark background of the night sky. I wondered where she
was.
How could she betray me? The Animorphs? Earth? How could she turn on us?
How could she lie so well?
Some part of me wanted to believe that it was not reality. That it was some insane, crazed nightmare. That I'd
wake up and nothing, from the human PTA meeting to that horrible moment of falling, plummeting deep into the
sea, had happened.
But I knew it was reality. I knew it because every word she'd spoken still rang so clearly in my mind. I knew it
because I could still feel the pain of her talons digging into my skin, ripping away chunks of flesh. I could still
feel the hurt, the betrayal, the wrenching agony that hurt even worse than any physical pain, so strong that it
drowned out even the anger. I could still feel that.
How could she do this?
If it had been anyone else, even a fellow Animorph, I would have felt less betrayed. I would not have had such
a burning ache inside.
But we are two worlds apart
Can't reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way
Trapped.
The word burned inside me. Others swirled crazily in my brain...
Defeated. Conquered. Beaten.
No! No!
Face it, Xilite. You're no longer that legendary Xaralite you cherish in your mind. You're defeated, conquered,
beaten –
Stop it! Just stop it!
That wasn't even Thchi – my own thoughts condemned me. I was nothing now. Nothing except a mosaic of
broken dreams, pieced together without a rhyme or a pattern, united only in the fact that every dream
was crushed.
And Aximili. What did he think of me now? Memories twisted through my mind. I felt despair snake through me.
He truly believed that it was I who had...had tried to kill him.
I closed my eyes and tried to remember something, anything else.
The Xaralites? My memory of them was tainted. I had failed them so horribly.
The Animorphs? I would...I had seen Thchi's plans. I would fail them. Worse than fail them.
Aximili?
Agony rose within me as I fought to remember anything else, anything else at all.
Tell me why
(Ain't nothing but a heartache)
Tell me why
(Ain't nothing but a mistake)
Tell me why I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
It would be better if she'd never come. The thought forced its way out before I could stop it.
But in my heart I knew that it was wrong...or did I? Would it truly have been better if we'd never even met?
Of course it would. With all she knows, she could destroy the Animorphs. She could destroy Earth's last
hope. And she's bent on destroying the Andalites.
The Xaralites, her people. Were they all like her? All murderers? All traitors?
She's not a murderer, not a traitor.
I stamped my hoof in frustration and began to run through the forest. What was this stupid voice inside? Had it
completely missed the fact that she'd tried to murder me? That she had betrayed me? The Animorphs?
You love her, don't you? another thought jeered. In love with a creature that would kill you in an
instant – that tried to – and you love her.
But I did love the person that...that she had pretended to be.
Had I truly been so blind?
Am I your fire
Your one desire
Yes, I know it's too late
But I want it that way
Memory. A blessing or a curse?
I felt the memory within me. I tried to block it. But I could not.
I'm sorry, I whispered in my last goodbye. I...I just want you to know that...
[I love you,] he said softly. [And I''ll miss you so much...]
Thank you for everything. For showing me that not all Andalites are the same. For the battles on that
planet. For not telling the others what I am...what I was. For keeping my secrets. I felt as though I was
losing strength. Of course, I was. I wouldn't be alive much longer. I'm so sorry it had to end this way.
I'm almost dead and you're doomed to be a Controller. A sob caught in my telepathic voice. I tried to
push it away. Aximili, I'm so sorry...this is my fault...
[No, Xilite. I didn''t have to come here. And I'll die before I'll become a Controller. Rather say that we are both...]
I'm so sorry.
There was a still silence for a moment. I knew that my body was convulsing in a final paroxysm of death.
[Xilite!] His voice was frantic. Did he truly care for me that much?
I love you, Aximili...
It would have been better if I'd died then. Died with those as my last words to him...not saying that I hated him,
that I'd waited so long to kill him.
I expected fire to flame within me. But there was too much despair for another emotion to enter my mind.
Was there hope for me? Of course. There's always hope. But there was no probability of escape. Hope is not
always logical. And I am logical.
I love you, Aximili... I felt hot tears rush to my eyes. I blinked them back. I never cry.
Tell me why
(Ain't nothing but a heartache)
Tell me why
(Ain't nothing but a mistake)
Tell me why I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
I would give the world to hear her say that it was not her. I would give anything and everything to know that it had
been a lie.
But it was her. And, looking back, I could see that it was possible. From the first, she'd been mysterious. She'd
threatened us. She'd controlled us.
I ran faster. How could I have been so blind? The words played through my mind again and again. How could
I have trusted her?
How could I have fallen in love with such a monster? How could I have looked into her eyes, and, thinking I saw an
angel, been merely stopped by the walls that concealed a demon?
You did play your part well, I thought sadly. Too well. Oh, Xilite, how could you do this?
Was it all a lie?
I was such a sightless fool! How could I doubt, even now?
From the way that it used to be (yeah)
No matter the distance, I want you to know
That deep down inside of me
I sat there, feeling nauseous from the rush of memory. Why did I have to remember that? Why that?
I dropped my head in my hands, a feeling of intertia overtaking me. Couldn't move. Couldn't think.
Didn't want to.
Why? Why were my dreams in this collapsed heap? Why was I the one chosen to be Thchi's puppet? Why was
I the one held in her clutches?
Simply because I was a Xarilian? One of those famed, extra-high-capability Xaralites? Was it my intelligence, my
power that doomed me?
Was it my greatest asset that had become the most terrible weapon against me?
And Aximili. Oh, I missed him. I could not stand to see the look of hatred and anger I knew I would see on his
face when next I met him. He truly believed that I had turned on him.
And, drawing on my past threats to the Animorphs and my past attitude toward them, I knew that it was plausible
for them to think so. I had not been an angel, or anything close to it.
Aximili, please...it's not me...
Fire was beginning to flame up within me. I welcomed it. Thchi, you'll pay for this, I hissed silently. Oh,
you'll pay.
I stood, already feeling a little stronger. Maybe memory was a blessing. It had given me something to fight for.
It was night on Earth, I realized. And I was free, for the moment.
What I was planning would be little less than suicide, if Thchi caught me. But what did I care about death?
"Aximili..."
Xilite's voice. I could hear her so clearly. Almost as if I was there.
I turned and I could see her.
She didn't look like a murderer. Not then. She looked like the Xilite that I had known before I lost her, not like the
"It's not me," she whispered. Her voice strengthened. "That murderer is not me."
[Of course it's you,] I retorted. Was this a dream or was it reality? It didn't matter. Even though I wanted, more
"I'm not in control of it, not now." Her voice was pleading, begging me to understand.
[No Yeerk could control you. No one could control you. I know that, Xilite. Or have you forgotten how we met?
She turned away. Her body shook. I felt a rush of sorrow and then remembered just how excellent of an actress
I could see her struggling not to cry. She turned back to me, not a single tear shed. She never cried. Of course,
I felt agony twist within me. I wanted to believe her. But it was impossible, illogical.
And this was a dream. Just some idiotic dream. Not real.
Suddenly I felt her presence behind me. But Aximili did not seem to see her.
*Well, well, well. Trying to get the Andalite back?* she jeered.
Oh, I hated her.
*Poor little Xilite. Trapped here, the only one you ever loved now hating you. Oh, isn't life sooooo cruel?*
No!
I felt her enter my mind.
No! Aximili had to see...he couldn't keep believing that it was I who...
[Xilite!]
Did he?
It's not me! I cried. I knew that he could not hear me. It's not me, Aximili, don't you understand?!
I felt myself leap forward and slash furiously. I saw him dodge away, his face filled with anger. And betrayal.
I was fighting Thchi. But I wasn't doing much good. He was asleep, yes, but I'd used my still-active Xaralite
"Aximili, please..." I could hear Thchi's wild scream of horror as I forced the words out. "It's not me..."
I suppose that he woke up, because suddenly, he was gone.
Earth.
It felt real in my mind. But it had only been a dream. That had to be all.
There had been a rapid-as-light change in her. Was it simply the fall of a mask? Or was it something else?
No point in keeping up hope, Aximili, I thought bitterly. Ridiculous.
I wanted to believe her so much. I wanted to believe that she had told the truth. But what would account for the
It was just a stupid dream! You can't blame her for her actions in a dream!
It had felt so real.
Maybe it was real.
If only it had been. If only she had told the truth. But what would account for the extreme change in her? How
Just a dream, Aximili.
But if only it was real...the truth, and real...
You are my fire
The one desire
You are, you are, you are, you are
I was asleep. Dreaming.
Xilite who'd tried to kill us. Not like the Xilite who'd threatened us, even at the beginning.
than anything, to hear her say that it was not she who had attempted to murder us, I would not believe it now.
In a Yeerk pool where you had starved your own Yeerk? And now you wish me to believe that you're not in control
of it?]
she was.
why would she cry those fake tears? Why would she bother?
Don't wanna hear you say
Ain't nothing but a heartache
Ain't nothing but a mistake
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
He didn't believe me. I should have expected it. Why would he? Thchi had set it up perfectly.
powers to bridge the chasm between dreams and reality. Not that it would do any good now.
Tell me why
(Ain't nothing but a heartache)
Tell me why
(Ain't nothing but a mistake)
Tell me why I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
I leaped to my feet. Night outside. Stars.
fact that, once again, she'd attempted murder?
could I – or she, for that matter – explain it?
Cause I want it that way...
The fic part ties in with Hypnosis #7. Read, review. (And don't kill me
if you hate BSB. Please :)