A/N Hello everyone! So, this is my first SoC fanfic. It was going to just be a one-shot songfic, but it turned into a two-shot. Oops! Anyway, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or song lyrics!
The Wraith's silhouette had long faded away into the distance, gliding across the waves away from Fifth harbor and away from Ketterdam. The crowd of Dregs who had come to see off their fearless Wraith had slowly dwindled away as the ship disappeared over the horizon. Everyone had dispersed by the time the sky began to tint pink and the streetlights were turned on.
Everyone except Kaz Brekker. Kaz still stood at the docks, putting more weight on his crow-headed cane than he cared to admit. He knew this day would come. She had told him on the Ferolind about her dream of fighting slavers and freeing children who had fallen into the same misfortune as her.
"Purpose. You know you can't stop them all." had been his response.
"If I don't try, I won't stop any."
"Then I almost pity the slavers. They have no idea what's coming for them."
He knew it would be cruel of him to keep her from her destiny. Even Dirtyhands couldn't get in the way of her and her dreams. Even Dirtyhands cringed at the memory of the few seconds he had contemplated cheating her into staying, but he couldn't do that. Isn't that what he had promised not to do when he first offered her his deal only a few years ago?
He'd had his chance to tell her how he felt, and he had gotten so close. He had asked her stay in Ketterdam after the Ice Court job and in return she had asked for him to remove his armor. If it were not for the the waves that threatened to rise at the thought of touch, maybe he would try.
He had tried.
He had started small. Well, more manageable. The words on Black Veil were hard to confess. It had taken far too much from him to admit that he would always come for her. It was as close to 'I love you' as he was going to get, but he had hoped that it would be enough.
He knew deep down that it wasn't. He had been wrong. Words were almost as bad as touch. He could never give her what she wanted. He didn't think he would ever be able to talk about Jordie, yet she had told him a little about the family she had been unfairly ripped away from. She would always be stronger than he could ever hope to be.
He had hardly recognized his voice when he had offered to fix her bandages, but once the words were out of his mouth there was no going back. He had had to try. For only a moment he had believed that maybe he could get through this. He had tried to focus on the pulse at her throat, pleading for the waves to break only to be pulled under once more.
It was pathetic. She deserved better than the Bastard of the Barrel could ever give her, but he gave her what he could anyway. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to see her smile. He wanted to hear that laugh that he so desperately wished to bottle up. So he paid off the contract, bought the ship, and found her parents. He let her go.
She had promised to return, "I'm not ready to give up on this city, Kaz. I think it's worth saving."
He knew what she wasn't saying. She thought that he was worth saving, but she was wrong. She couldn't save him. No one could. He had tried to save himself and look where that had gotten him.
He cursed at himself for standing around, hoping for something he could never have. It was dark now and Kaz knew that he had already loitered at berth twenty-two much too long. He had an empire to run and a good sized stack of paperwork waiting for him in his office.
He started the trek through the city to the Slat and to the three cursed flights of stairs that waited for him there. His crow-headed cane thudded rhythmically along the cobblestoned streets, warning any passerbys of the Bastard of the Barrel's presence. It would be a long walk back and his already sore leg would be punishing him for sometime after this night. Not that it had ever stopped punishing him since the Ice Court job and the damage control he had conducted afterwards.
He was greeted by the loud ruckus of his Dregs gambling, drinking, and fighting over some mundane thing Kaz didn't care about. He ignored it all as he started up the stairs, aware of his lieutenant, Anika, making her way to follow him up. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now, but as she was his lieutenant he figured it would do him good to hear her out before pushing her out of his office.
"It's a shame the Wraith's leaving us, Brekker. We're all going to miss having her around the Slat."
Or not.
"Not tonight, Anika." he responded in his gravel-like voice.
"Aw, c'mon, Brekker. No one's seen you around all night and now you're just going to ghost us again?"
"You were expecting anything different?" he now turned to her amused. She shrugged in defeat.
"Would it actually kill you to spend time in the Slat with the rest of the gang?"
"I spend plenty of time around the Slat."
"Not what I asked, Kaz."
"I don't think I care." he turned away and continued the dreaded climb.
"Oh c'mon. Play one hand? I'll spot you!"
"That won't be necessary."
"Fine. You wanna talk about why it took you so long to come back from the harbor?" Now Kaz did stop. He took a deep breath, urging himself not to act rash as he tended to do whenever someone wanted to ask personal questions. Especially about Inej.
"I went to see off the Wraith just like everyone else."
"Everyone else came back hours ago." Had he really stood there for hours?
"Good night, Anika."
"It's ok to admit that you're gonna miss her, Brekker."
"I said good night, Anika." he repeated as he ascended the last of the stairs and locked himself away in his office for the night. He sagged into the chair and propped up his aching leg, relieved to finally sit down after such a long day.
He turned to the daunting pile of paperwork stacked haphazardly along his desk. He knew he should spend a few hours plowing through it, but the sudden wave of fatigue that hit him told him otherwise.
Kaz mourned the thought of standing up again, but coalesced himself into standing long enough to strip off his clothes and wash himself off before carefully laying down on the bed in the corner. Despite his sudden fatigue, Kaz tossed and turned, trying not to think about Inej's smile, the bloated corpses that brushed against him when he held her hand, or Jordie's persistent voice in his head, which had not been silenced by Pekka Rollins's sudden disappearance. Kaz did not want to think about how long this fight continued until a fitful sleep finally overcame him.
The room was much too bright when Kaz's eyes opened again, and he knew immediately that he should have been up hours ago. He cursed at the growing ache in his leg as he noticed that he had rolled onto it during his restless sleep, putting unwelcomed weight on the irritated limb.
He untangled himself from the sheets and reached for his cane as he braced himself for the annoyance of standing. He dressed quickly and seated himself in front of the pile of work that Kaz could have sworn grew overnight. He sighed as he grabbed the first envelope and sliced it open with a letter opener to see what business needed to be discussed.
Five business deals that Kaz had no interest in and two empty threats later a knock sounded from his door. Kaz did not look up from the paperwork.
"What business?" the door opened and Jesper strode into the room, twirling one of his pearl-handled revolvers in his dark hand.
"Are we interrupting?"
"Yes," Kaz continued reading the document, hoping that the sharpshooter would give up whatever cause that had driven him out of Van Eck manor to the Barrel.
"Too bad. Let's get waffles."
"No."
"I told you he wouldn't want to come with us. Maybe we should leave him to his work." spoke another voice. Kaz looked up from his work to see Wylan enter the office after Jesper, hands hidden in his pockets. Kaz pointed at Wylan with the quill he had been using for signatures.
"Wise words, merchling. I suggest you follow his advice, Jes."
"Nah, I think I'm going to press my luck." Kaz rolled his eyes. Of course. Jesper may not be playing at the tables anymore, but it didn't mean he would stop gambling.
"I'm not in the mood for this." he grumbled more to himself than to Jesper and Wylan.
"You're never in the mood for anything that won't get you more money or revenge on Pekka Rollins. Speaking of Rollins, has anyone heard anything about him lately?" Kaz let the jab slide in favor of the more intriguing question that Jesper had asked.
He was right. It had been a few weeks since they had ruined Van Eck's reputation and gotten revenge on Pekka, and he had not heard anything about Pekka since. In the few weeks that Inej had stayed in Ketterdam after he brought back her parents, she had scouted out the city regularly at night after her parents had fallen asleep in a guest room at the Van Eck manor. She had never reported anything of importance concerning the Dime Lions and nothing whatsoever on Pekka, himself. If she hadn't heard or seen anything, then no one would know.
"No, there hasn't been a word about Pekka or the Dime Lions, except for a few fools that are trying to grab at the pieces of his fallen empire." Jesper nodded at this explanation, but Wylan looked worried.
"Do you think he's really gone?" Wylan asked.
Kaz thought back on the night he had threatened Rollins. Rollins had been petrified as he had boasted of a heinous act that even Dirtyhands would not do. He did not hurt innocent people if he could help it. Could he have scared Pekka out of Ketterdam for good? He hoped that Pekka was haunted by the thought of the Bastard of the Barrel everyday for the rest of his life when he saw his little Alby, just like Kaz was still haunted by Pekka when he thought of Jordie.
"I don't know. I doubt it will last." he answered eventually. There was no reason to lie.
"Enough business," Jesper stopped playing with his gun for a second to point it at Kaz, "Waffles,"
"Jes, I thought we agreed after the last incident not to point your gun at people when gesturing to them." Wylan looked at Jesper, eyes widening in shock.
"Incident? What incident?"
"Nothing to worry about, merchling. No one was hurt." Jesper grinned, returning the revolver to its holster hanging at his hip.
Kaz raised an eyebrow.
"Fatally." Jesper amended with a sheepish grin. Wylan ran his fingers through his rusty colored curl sighing in exasperation.
"So, waffles?" Jesper tried again.
"No."
"Please? I know this place that makes this great apple syrup…"
"I said no!" Jesper's eyes widened in surprise, barely stepping out of the way in time to dodge the letter opener that jammed itself into the wood of the door behind him.
"Jesper, let's just leave him alone." Wylan urged.
"Okay, okay. I know when I've made a bad wager." Jesper held up his hands in surrender as he backed up to the door and opened it to let Wylan out. Jesper was about to close the door behind him when he turned to Kaz one last time, but Kaz had already turned his attention back to his work.
"You know that you're welcome at the manor anytime right? In case you ever want to talk or something. I know you and Inej had this weird bond and…"
"Go get your waffles, Jes." The sharpshooter nodded.
"Heads up." Kaz didn't look up to catch the letter opener that Jesper threw back at him on his way out.
He returned to his work after Jesper left, grateful to be alone again. Unfortunately he only got through a couple more manners of business before he was rudely interrupted once again. Only this time it was not a member of the Dregs who was breaking into his office.
A familiar caw screeched from his window sill. Great. It was Inej's precious crows, looking for their Suli friend, who dutifully fed them their prized breadcrumbs. He did his best to ignore the unwelcome avians, but the murder were not having any of it. They knew all too well that there was food to be found at this particular window.
Kaz shot a deadly glare at the birds, as if Dirtyhands was so feared that even the crows cowered at the sight of him. They only stared at him with their tilted little heads and hopped closer to the window, waiting. Kaz's jaw ticked as he grabbed his cane roughly and hobbled over to the window.
"Shoo! Shoo!" he smacked at them with a gloved hand. The murder moved away from where Kaz swatted at him, but they did not leave the window sill. Kaz rolled his eyes and went back to his desk. If he left them alone maybe they would go away.
Seven letters later, the murder had not stopped cawing from his window sill.
"Damn you, Inej." he grumbled to himself as he threw his quill back in to the inkwell and pushed himself up from the chair. He rifled through a draw for the loaf of bread Inej would break pieces off of to give the crows. He knew she always kept one around.
One time he had thrown it out so that she would not have anything to give them. The next morning he woke to find a new, full loaf of bread already resting on the window and the largest murder of crows he had ever seen attacking it. The sound of cawing crows had been almost deafening. Inej had also already been resting on the sill, stroking one of the crows.
"Morning, Kaz." she had shot him a triumphant smile. It was the kind of smile that fogged his mind. He did not throw out the crows' bread again.
He finally found the remains of said loaf and brought over to the expectant murder. He sprinkled crumbs along the sill. The murder stared at him for a moment, not moving. Kaz was surprised by the sudden feelings of betrayal as the crows stared dumbly at the crumbs.
"What are you waiting for? Eat." he urged them. Did he just talk to the crows? Then he remembered what he had told Inej a few weeks ago.
"Crows remember faces." Of course. The crows didn't trust him. He was only the boy who stared at them with disinterest as their Suli friend fed them, despite Kaz's warning not to feed the crows. They were calculating their next move in the same way he always did.
The crows had no reason to trust Kaz. He wasn't Inej. He hadn't fed them before. He had even encouraged her not to, and they remembered. Just as Kaz claimed they could. But when he was beginning to think that the crows had finally made the judgment not to accept Kaz's offering, the crows began to greedily attack it. It was an odd relief to see the murder accept the crumbs. He felt a strange warmth at watching Inej's crows eat up their offering.
The crows must have made a decision that late morning as Dirtyhands offered them more crumbs because the next morning they were there at his window, waiting. Feeding Inej's crows soon became the highlight of Kaz's days.
Some weeks passed in a similar fashion. Kaz would feed the crows in the morning before burying himself into his work. Sometimes Jesper or Wylan or both would come to visit and try to pull him out of his office until Kaz threatened them. As this kept up they began to stop by less frequently. Anika would force her way in sometimes and Kaz would restrain himself from kicking her out only because he knew it wouldn't be wise to push away his lieutenant. The few times he did leave the Slat was to monitor the Crow Club and chase away the Dime Lions dumb enough to get too close to Fifth Harbor.
He did this all mechanically until he collapsed in bed at night with images of his Wraith swirling around in his head. The monotony of his day to day life had been enough for him to push her out of his head, but late at night when he no longer had any responsibilities beyond resting, the dam of thoughts of Inej would break and crash around him like the waves at Reaper's Barge. It was all overwhelming and unwelcome. In the morning he would wake with a feeling of profound emptiness and her name on his lips.
He began to see her everywhere. His desk held memories of times when she would take in the bare bones of his plans as she sat there patiently, wondering what he wasn't telling her. Even the damn crows that had become his closest friend reminded him too much of the days he chided her for feeding them only for her to question him further. She really had become a wraith in the way she seemed to haunt him in every corner of this room.
He gathered his head in his hands. This needed to stop. Now.
He forced himself to go back to the business agreement before him, but he didn't get too far before a knock at his door snapped him out of his longing.
"No, Jesper. I'm not in the mood for waffles." the door flung open anyway, revealing Anika in the doorway.
"Not Jesper, and you're such a liar. How could you turn down waffles?"
"What business, Anika?" she entered the room, closing the door behind her and leaning against the wall, arms crossed over her chest.
"Roeder's starting today."
"Good, now get out. I'm busy."
"Sounds like someone needs a waffle." she didn't shy away from the pointed glare he shot at her.
"Don't make me say it again. Unless you have anything else of importance to report, I advise that you leave now." she returned his glare for a few minutes before inching closer to the door.
"I'm not sure what's up with you, boss, but you should talk to someone. Seriously, get waffles with Jesper and Wylan or something." and then she left the office before he could find something heavy to throw at her.
No one bothered him again for the rest of the day, but he never really got that focus he desired either. The damn crows were back again, cawing away incessantly from their sill. Inej's sill. She really was a wraith, haunting him in every corner of this room like this.
She had become a distraction lately, and he couldn't afford to make any more mistakes. His mistake had already cost him so much. That mistake had almost cost her her legs, and he didn't want to think about what would have happened, what he would have done if she could no longer scale the city of Ketterdam like the wraith she was. It was better this way. She finally had the freedom she wanted and he had his empire to burn. He needed to let her go.
Then why hadn't it feel right to watch the Wraith disappear beyond the horizon? Why did the rush of emotion he felt whenever he laid eyes on her ache even more as she drew farther and farther away? He was no good for her. She would find no happiness with him, and he couldn't seem to think as clearly as he used to with her near him. But now that she had finally left, his mind had become hazier than when she had fogged his mind during and after the Ice Court.
It was at that moment that he realized just how much he missed her. He even fed her damn crows! This was madness. He had thought that if he could only get her out of the city he would get his head back on straight and go on with his life, yet the longing that pulled at him when she was near tugged at him still, even though she was miles and miles away at sea hunting slavers.
Did she dream of him the same way he dreamed of her? Did she miss him, too?
He longed to tell her of what she did to him. How her beauty could make him feel that maybe he was human after all. But he knew he would never be able to say all that he wished to. He would never truly be with her, and he didn't want her pity. He didn't want to share his shame with her.
And then he thought of the next best thing. He pushed away the messy piles of work that had only collected dust over the last couple weeks, it really was a problem, and fetched some fresh parchment. If he couldn't tell her to her face, then he would write it down, get it all out of his head and clear his mind of the curse of her memory.
He removed his quill from the inkwell and let it hover over the pages, careful not to drip all over the desk and parchment.
How should he start? How did one begin when searching for the words they could never say out loud? Kaz lost track of how long he stared at the blank page, puzzling over words that refused to surface. Mayhaps writing down his thoughts would not be as easy as he had thought.
Unbidden memories pushed their way into his mind. Inej cupping his cheek after she returned his gloves. Inej standing on the deck of the Ferolind, her usually braided hair whipping behind her in the breeze. The look in her eyes when she urged him to go on as he tested her skin beneath his bare hands. Her dust covered, smiling cheeks when he told her of how he had Nina include the Menagerie as a "plague site". How she gripped his arm with shock as she recognized her parents before her. He scratched at the paper, almost mindlessly.
I'd sell my soul just to see your face
And I'd break my bones just to heal your pain
And in these times I need a saving grace
'Cause time is running out and I'm starting to lose my faith
But if I told you I loved you would it make you wanna stay?
I'm sorry for the way I make you feel day after day
And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you everyday
Would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home to stay?
Would it make you, make you wanna stay?
My heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black
And without your touch I'm not gonna last
It feels like my walls are cavin' in
And I'll do anything to have you here again
But if I told you I loved you would it make you wanna stay?
I'm sorry for the way I make you feel day after day
And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you everyday
Would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home to stay?
Would it make you, make you wanna stay?
The days are cold the nights are long
And I can't stand to be alone
Please know this is not your fault
And all I want is to tell you I love you
And make you wanna stay
I'm sorry for the way I make you feel day after day
And if I wrote you a love song and sang it to you everyday
Would it ever be enough to make you wanna come back home to stay?
Would it make you, make you wanna stay?
He read it over many times to make sure he had gotten it right. Was it dramatic? Perhaps a bit. Was it the absolute truth? Definitely, and that's what mattered. She would never hear these words anyway. They only needed to be perfect for him, so that they could leave his mind forever.
He breathed a sigh of relief after rereading the words for the twentieth time. It would do.
Writing a secret letter to Inej did not solve the problem, though it did help. It had given him some sort of peace to admit, at least on paper, what he would do for her, how she made him feel, how much he wished for her comfortable presence on his window sill. It was enough to allow him to refocus and get back into business, though she was still haunting his every thought when he closed his eyes in the dark of night.
Another week went by. The stack of work finally began to shrink. Kaz faithfully fed his crows every day. It had taken quite a bit of willpower for Kaz not to smirk at Roeder's confused face when Kaz ordered him to pick up a loaf for the murder. He even took the walk to Van Eck manor for a long overdue visit with Jesper and Wylan.
Kaz was feeling more and more like his old self each day. On one particularly good day Kaz even surprised himself by clapping a gloved hand on Jesper's arm on his way out of the manor. Kaz had strode away without a backwards glance to see the sharpshooter's jaw hit the floor.
Things were alright.
It was over a month after Kaz had stashed away the letter to Inej that he could hear the poorly concealed whispers from the other side of his wooden, office door.
"Maybe we should leave him alone, Jes."
"Now is the best time. This is the best mood he's been in in a long time. He's almost...happy?" What were those two up to? Kaz stood from his desk silently, without using his cane, and stalked over to the door where he could listen in better.
"Maybe we shouldn't push our luck."
"Well, merchling, I've got some news for you."
"Jesper, I swear this is not the time…"
"Time for what?" Kaz swung the door open to see Wylan jump a few feet in the air at the sound of this new voice.
"Waffles!" Jesper turned his grin on Kaz. He thought it over for a minute. It had been a while since the last time they had all gone out, just three normal teens eating waffles. Not that any of them would ever be anything remotely close to normal.
"That depends. Will you be taking me to that place with the great apple syrup I've been hearing so much about?" Kaz didn't think that Jesper's goofy grin could stretch any further across his face, but in that moment he was proved wrong as the Zemeni boy nodded eagerly.
"You got it!"
Within the hour, the three boys found themselves seated in a restaurant outside of the Barrel, a heaping plates of steaming waffles in front of them. They made small talk with each other just as they always did on the rare occasions Kaz felt up to leaving his office and being around other people. Jesper and Wylan would ask Kaz about the Crow Club and how Kaz was doing, tiptoeing away from asking any actual personal questions that would shut Kaz down. They had been surprised that the Bastard of the Barrel had come with them willingly, now was not the time to cross personal boundaries.
In turn, Kaz inquired Wylan about his own business affairs.
"Everything's been going great! Jesper reads the documents to me, so it really isn't so bad."
"Yeah sure, maybe the first few papers weren't so bad, but I can only read so many purchase orders before I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. How do you understand that jargon?" Whylan shrugged.
"My father may not have included me in on his business deals, but that doesn't mean he didn't teach me anything about business." Jesper only shook his head.
"Marketable skills, merchling. Marketable skills. Wylan's cheeks started to turn red as Kaz cleared his throat.
"If you would prefer, I could read some of your documents to you sometime, Wylan." Neither spoke as they stared wide eyed at Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel, who had just offered to help another person.
"You would do that?" Wylan asked in disbelief once he managed to relocate his voice.
"Why wouldn't I?" Kaz quirked an eyebrow.
"Well, it's just that you...um...you…" Wylan stammered.
"I don't think it would be smart to question a Barrel boss, merchling." Jesper quipped.
"Right. Yeah...uh, thanks, Kaz."
"Anytime."
As the time passed, the pile of waffles disappeared. Jesper reordered for himself a few times, but even that was diminished into a mess of syrup and melted butter. They returned to small talk. Jesper told a story of his small winnings off the market with the limited funds Wylan allowed him, and Wylan told of his mother's successful return to society.
"So, Kaz," Jesper began. Jesper did his best not to shrink away from the way Kaz looked at him, as if he could look right into Jesper's mind and read everything. Jesper could see from the dark glint in Kaz's eyes that he was questioning whether or not he would like this turn in conversation. "Word is that The Wraith's been spotted docking at berth twenty-two."
Nothing.
"Is that all?" Jesper wished he could pick Kaz open and see what was going on in that enigmatic mind of his.
"Just thought you'd want to know." the sharpshooter responded.
"I have business back at the Crow Club to attend to." Kaz suddenly announced. And with that, the Bastard of the Barrel was up, cane in hand, and out of the restaurant.
"Well, would you look at that." Jesper smirked.
"Is he going to berth twenty-two?"
"What do you think, merchling? Have you met Kaz?"
"I figured as much."
"He didn't even pay before he left!"
"Jes, you offered to take him out for waffles." Jesper shrugged and licked syrup off his fork. They sat in comfortable silence for a second before Jesper turned to his boyfriend with a mischievous look in his eye. Wylan didn't like it.
"Let's follow him."
"Jesper, no!"
A/N Part two will be up whenever I get to it (idk when) :)
Song: Stay by Black Stone Cherry