Set after 3x13 "Don't Look Back", completely unrelated to my other fics. It was something that got stuck in my brain and had to come out.
"The hardest part of losing someone, isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go."
Kathleen stood in the Helo bay, she couldn't helped but bounce on her feet in excitement as she heard the mission was a success but that was all which was why she was standing where she was waiting for her Dad to walk in. A smile spread across her lips as she knew that some stability meant they could finally find a house and be 'normal' people. Well, hopefully 'normal' people who went to the gun range every once and while because she liked shooting guns and she couldn't wait to start learning hand to hand combat more intensively than the few moves her Dad taught her. It wasn't that she wanted to be a soldier. Ok, maybe a part of her did want to join the Army but she wanted to finish high school and get a degree as she had promised Mom she would.
She heard the rotor blades of the helo landing outside and felt the anticipation of what would be a fun afternoon in the mess. Maybe a night out on the town. She'd be sober but she had to admit she liked hanging out the Nathan James crew. She loved the comraderie and sense of family that came with being around them. She watched as the door swung open but kept her spot even though she wanted to a complete brat and race up to them and asked for all the details. But she was trying to act like an adult which meant patiently waiting for her Dad. Then subtly prying information out of him, another skill she was still working on.
She watched as people started coming into the Helo bay and frowned as she figured her Dad would be one of the first through the door. She tried to push her concern away, telling herself to be cool as he was probably outside still. But more people came in, not one of them her Dad.
Her smiled faltered and fell into a frown as they promised to meet in the Helo Bay. They'd celebrate with everyone, yet all the familiar faces walked past her looking world weary. Others didn't even make eye contact as they moved to unpack their gear and hand over their weapons to the Master of Arms and his colleagues. No one greeted her with a smile, not one of them openly acknowledge her with a 'hello'.
She felt a deep churning in her stomach as they were all too quiet for a victory. They should be happy. Why weren't they happy? She searched the faces trying to keep calm as a voice in her head whispered her deepest fears. Her eyes landed on Captain Chandler, she tried to approach him to ask where her Dad was but he gave off a dark energy and his body language screamed 'stay away' as he walked through the Helo bay quickly, he didn't even see her. It was like no one saw her as no one made moves to talk to her when only hours earlier she were one of them. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned, she looked up to Sasha looking at her.
Her eyes were glittering with tears, her lips were slightly pinched as she was trying to control her emotions and that was when it hit Kathleen. The realisation of why no one would look at her, why no one was happy to see her. Her throat burned and tears filled her eyes as she felt a mixture of pain, anger and disbelief even though she knew he was dead.
"We should go somewhere quiet." Sasha told her in a low but kind voice.
"No," Kathleen told her as she shook her head vehemently, she refused to be hidden away. She refused to give them all the luxury of not seeing her pain given they didn't have the guts to face her. But also because she was paralysed with the pain and the shock of realising he was really gone. He wasn't going to come back. Tears slid down her face. "I'm not going anywhere! Just tell me where he is!" she told her.
"I'm so sorry." Sasha told her sincerely, her voice breaking slightly as she felt for this young woman. She was alone in the world completely un-tethered with no family to take care of her. She knew what it was like to be her, it was why she couldn't ignore Kathleen as she saw how hopeful she had been looking for Tex, but also intuitive to know something was wrong.
The problem was that the crew members were leaving it to senior officers to give the bad news, Sasha had thought Tom would talk with Kathleen but he was trapped in his own world. Whatever transpired on that plane, how Tex died and his last words was only something Tom could tell Kathleen. He wasn't in the right place mentally to give Kathleen that closure.
Sasha watched as tears streamed down Kathleen's face while her expression was like a mask, her eyes said it all. She didn't need to say more as Kathleen understood with those three simple words. It broke her heart to see the pain so much she felt it as it clawed open old wounds in herself.
"I should go." Kathleen whispered, her anger evaporating as it felt like someone had cracked open her chest and scrapped out her insides leaving her hollow and raw. She didn't belong here, they didn't want her, she was a nuisance it was why they ignored her and most importantly she wanted to be alone. She needed to pack her things, her Dad's things and get off the ship. The thought of her Dad made more tears slip down her face and the pain in her throat unbearable as she was trying not to sob. She ducked around Sasha and ran blindly out of the helo bay not caring as she pushed past sailors.
She barely made it to the quarters she shared with her dad before the first sob erupted from her lips. She covered a hand over her lips as if it would soften the pain and help her. But it didn't, she pushed open the door to the room and fell to the floor by the bottom bunk and buried her face in the scratchy blanket letting it muffle her sobs and absorb her tears. She let the pain tear out of her as it had for her Mom.
She cried the loss felt, the loss of them both as it reminded her she was truly alone. She had no family, the one she thought she had been adopted into on the Nathan James had evaporated as soon as her father died. She felt so lost and overwhelmed as she didn't know what to do or how to move forward. Where was she supposed to go? How was she going to survive and if that wasn't enough she felt the pain of losing the future she had stupidly dreamed about with her Dad back in her life. She had dreamed about them being a family, of him being a full time dad to her like he had been the past six months, she had dreamed about going back to school, dating and being embarrassed by him. She had dreamed of graduating and making him proud. Seeing him at the ceremony. Him walking her down the aisle and all of that was gone because he was dead. Now all she wanted was for him to come back and it was impossible.
"Kathleen," Sasha said softly.
"Go away." Kathleen said the words muffled into the blanket but she didn't care as she continued sob, she couldn't stop as her body wracked and shuddered from her grief. But Sasha ignored her the door sounded as Sasha closed it and a second later Kathleen felt Sasha's presence next to her on the floor and Sasha's hand rub slowly up and down her back in a soothing manner.
"Tough, I'm not leaving you alone." Sasha said to her in a calm and even manner. Kathleen lifted her head up and looked to her expecting to see pity, to see annoyance or discomfort but all she saw was empathy and a keen understanding. It for some reason made her feel a little better before it reminded her of how her Mom would have the same expression when Kathleen would get upset. It just reminded her that she had no Mom or Dad; the tears flowed down her cheeks once again. She buried her face into the blanket as it was seemed less painful to hide her face than look around and be reminded of what she had lost.
Sasha sat on the floor next to Kathleen listening as the young woman gave heart wrenching sobs. She kept rubbing Kathleen's back hoping her presence would lessen the pain as she thought back to when she lost her own parents, she had wished someone had been there for her then. That someone had cared enough to comfort her. She'd been around Kathleen's age but her parents had died in a car crash.
It didn't change the pain, or how it shaped the woman she had become. She had been tossed into the Foster system where she learned that people rarely adopted teenagers; the system didn't care and she had to learn to be self sufficient from a young age. The harshest lesson she learned was that people were transient; they came and went. They didn't care how much you had to give as they would never give up anything for her. It was why she had always sacrificed relationships for her work. She learned that she had the power to carve out her place in the world and it would take a lot of hard work and determination. She felt if she made sacrifices in her professional life for anyone they'd betray her and it wasn't worth the risk.
Sasha had learned in the last few years how wrong that train of thought had been. While she was the top of field she felt like she had missed out on a lot by pushing people away. All because she was afraid of the pain that came with their loss. But with her husband she'd taken that chance and it hadn't panned out but she had learned in their relationship and his death that she yearned for more. Her career was gone thanks to the pandemic and she had no one to come home to. Then in walked Tom, it felt like she was getting this second chance. She wasn't ready to jump in completely with him, she still needed time but she did know when she looked at him; that he was it for her. When he smiled, she could just imagine seeing it for the next twenty to thirty years at least; if not more. But they weren't going to rush it. They were both older and wiser to know they needed to take things slow.
Sasha pulled out of her head and looked to Kathleen who had quietened down, she could tell she was still crying but the sobbing had subsided for now. So she pushed off the floor and winced as her ass had gone to sleep on the cold metal flooring. She moved to the vanity and picked up a wash cloth and drenched it in cold water before she wrung it out. She moved back to Kathleen and gently tugged on her arm.
"Kathleen, why don't you get into bed. You'll be more comfortable." Sasha said gently as Kathleen had to be exhausted. Sasha had no idea what the time was but knew there was no way she'd get food into Kathleen. Some water maybe but for now she wanted Kathleen to be comfortable.
"I don't care." Kathleen mumbled in a pained voice.
"I know but I'm too old to sitting on the floor. I can barely feel my ass cheeks they are that numb. So come on, get up." Sasha teased lightly, it seemed to work as Kathleen pushed off the floor and crawled onto the bed. Sasha sat down on the bed and used the washcloth to cool Kathleen's face. The young woman quietly laid on her side, tears still streaming down her face. Sasha knew it would be a long while until Kathleen could get control of her tears. "I know this is pretty meaningless to you right now but I know what it's like to lose your parents. I lost mine when I was about your age. I cried for weeks, I didn't think I'd ever stop but I did. The pain of their loss however, that I carried with me my whole life." Sasha told her, not hiding the truth of the situation from her. She felt she wouldn't be doing Kathleen any justice by painting everything with rainbows and telling her it would be get better, that life would be amazing. It wasn't what Kathleen needed to hear either.
"What-" Kathleen stopped and blew out a shaky breath. "What did you do?" she asked in a dull tone as she appreciated Sasha sharing her pain. It weirdly helped that Sasha didn't dress it up or give her platitudes about life. It also meant that she could ask the hard questions of what she was supposed to do next as her grief wouldn't diminish.
"Well, I wasn't in the same place as you. The crew of the Nathan James-" Sasha started but Kathleen cut her off.
"They wouldn't look at me. The Captain walked past me like I didn't exist." Kathleen said in a despondent tone as she remembered how they had acted. She wondered why the Captain hadn't even come to see her. It pained her that everyone she'd come to know were keeping their distance. Yet, Sasha who was practically a stranger was here with her, comforting her when she didn't have to. She didn't know her or her Dad. She looked to Sasha; watching as the woman refolded the washcloth. Grateful she wasn't completely alone as she was achingly bone tired with a massive headache from crying so much and so hard.
"Your father meant a great deal to Tom and the crew. They're grieving as you are and just ready to face you yet. I know they will support you no matter what you decide but for right now, you don't need to make any decisions. Ok?" Sasha asked her, she needed Kathleen to know that no one was trying to kick Kathleen off the ship.
"Like I even know what to do, it wasn't supposed to be like this." Kathleen said, fresh tears pouring out of her. She roughly wiped them away from her face wishing she could string a complete thought without feeling the pain gripping at her.
"I know, I wish I could give you your Father back but it's out of my hands." Sasha commiserated, "But you'll have a home and people who will always care about you." she promised her, she didn't know Tex or Kathleen but she knew she'd give the young woman a home even if it meant leaving the ship and the mission.
She could help rebuild America on the land with the President, her skills were versatile and unlike the others she had no duty or role to perform on the Nathan James. She could leave and give Kathleen the stability, the support and care to move forward with her life. Give her what no one had given her in her youth. Tex had died for their cause and now in his absence someone had to step up and make sure his family was taken care of. But right now Kathleen just needed to go through the motions not have her life from now on be dictated to her.
They lapsed into a companionable silence as they went into their own heads. Thoughts, memories and wishes plaguing their minds in a jumbled mess. It made Kathleen cry harder as she turned her head into the pillow; searching for a way to block it all out. She curled into the foetal position as Sasha tossed the washcloth into the sink. Sasha moved back into the bunk so her back was against the wall. She stretched her legs out and crossed her ankles. She wanted to pull Kathleen into her arms but she didn't know the girl well enough to know if it was the right thing to do. So she leaned over and placed her hand on Kathleen's arm letting her know she was there. Every once in a while just rubbing her back in a soothing manner when Kathleen started to sob in earnest when the pain became too much.. It was not a comfortable position but Sasha didn't care. She could stretch out the kinks later as she only cared for Kathleen's well-being.
Hours passed, but they said nothing to one another as no words were needed and because there was nothing to say that could make any of it better. Sasha knew that Kathleen would have questions but for now she was unable to vocalise them. Sasha just hoped Tom would come by and speak with Kathleen. But as the hours slipped away it became apparent he was not going to come. Kathleen fell into a restless sleep at some point. Sasha had no clue when as she refused to look at her watch. She did feel anger simmer within her as Tom should've been here. She knew he was grieving but Kathleen was a young woman who needed him to acknowledge her loss. To acknowledge his support for her future and how Tex would not be forgotten. She knew it was unjust, that her old pains and views were tainting her understanding but she wanted Tom to be here. The crew had come around in their own way. Water and food had been brought to the cabin for them. Some of them had offered to spell Sasha for a while but Sasha couldn't bring herself to leave. Not until Kathleen was awake again and understood Sasha wasn't abandoning her or handing her off.
Kathleen opened her eyes, she didn't know how many hours had passed or how she'd fallen asleep to begin with. She looked to the floor across the bed and saw the small pile of water and food. Tears filled her eyes, she felt annoyed that she couldn't stop them but also just incredibly sad as her Dad was still gone like her mother. What didn't help was that she didn't know where he was, would they let her see him?
The pile of chocolate bars, chips, sandwiches, fruit and water was the crew's way of saying they were here for her. Sasha was right, she wasn't truly alone but it didn't ease the grief eating her up inside but it did make a difference. She turned her head and looked to Sasha, the woman was still sitting on the bed with her. She hadn't left her side since telling her about her father.
"Thank you for staying with me." Kathleen said to her, Sasha turned and looked at her. She gave Kathleen a soft smile and nodded. She held out her hand; Kathleen reached out and took her hand in hers. Fresh tears filled her eyes as Sasha gave her hand a gentle squeeze. It was like her way of saying everything would be ok and looking at Sasha; Kathleen believed it would. It would just take time...