A/N: 1st Prize in my tumblr 1000 followers giveaway. For fadedqueensandbrokendreams.
At first, I thought I'd go with something dramatic and bittersweet, but it turned into slightly cracky humor instead. I hope that's okay, and I hope you all enjoy!
Loki was the second son of the royal house of Odinson.
Jane was the orphaned ward of the noble Lord Erik Selvig.
Loki was known throughout the land as a trickster and an unparalleled master of magic.
Jane was known as a woman of science with an intellect most men envied.
To say that a romance between them was unlikely was to say that water was wet and the sun was hot. The difference in class alone made it all but impossible, but Loki was already set to be married. On the eve of his eighteenth year, he would be joined in holy matrimony with Angrboda, the beautiful and much sought after Queen of Jotunheim. Their union would bring about an end to the centuries old conflict between the two nations and usher in a new era of peace and camaraderie (at least that's how Odin sold it). Meanwhile, Jane would would settle down with a low ranking soldier or the son of one of her godfather's close friends. Assuming she got married at all; another thing she was known for was her fierce independence and rejection of her traditional female role.
The bottom line was that Loki Odinson and Jane Foster could not, should not, and would not ever be together.
Loki thought of all this one night as he fell asleep with Jane in his arms after a long and passionate lovemaking session.
The beginnings of this tale, and how Loki came to the point where he was willing to throw aside the kingdom for Jane, were long and tedious. Suffice to say that it happened, after a long period of uncertainty and an even longer period of tension, and when it happened, there was no going back. Loki was a man used to getting his way. If an obstacle presented itself, he had his smooth tongue, his magic, and if all else failed, he was deadly with a blade in hand.
What kept him and Jane apart was different. He had gone through all potential scenarios. If Lord Selvig disapproved, Loki could sweet talk him and show him all the benefits of giving his permission. If another suitor appeared, that would be even simpler. If Loki couldn't convince him to step aside with words, they would just have to settle it like gentlemen. It was always fun to watch rash young men with delusions of grandeur make the mistake of underestimating his skill. People got it in their heads that his status as 'second to Thor' on the battlefield meant he was weak. They all paid for their arrogance in the end, and any man who tried to take his Jane from him would pay a thousand fold.
Luckily, no such challenger had appeared.
No, the problem they faced was much bigger than that, though neither of them could say they hadn't expected it.
"I won't allow it," Odin said. He paced along the length of his personal study while Loki boredly watched.
"Thank you for your input, father," he said. "Now, when Jane and I wed-"
"Did you not hear me, Loki?"
"Of course I did. I was considering a summer wedding, perhaps in the evening hours when the stars are out. My Jane does so love the stars."
"Loki."
"And how would you feel about allowing us use of the summer home by the lake as a honeymoon spot?"
"Loki."
"It's secluded, but picturesque, and the balcony provides an excellent view of the forest beyond the waterfront."
"Loki! You are not marrying Jane Foster. I have not and will not approve of such a union."
Odin had a rather pronounced vein protruding from his forehead. Were he not in such an unyielding state, Loki might have spoken up about it. It didn't look healthy.
"You know, that's what Lord Selvig said when I spoke to him." Loki smiled a dark smile. "But he was easily persuaded."
"You will find that I am not." Odin sat at his desk, his fingers laced. "As it is, Jane Foster is already spoken for. She is to marry a Midgardian merchant in two days time. I graciously arranged it myself in the interest of her family."
"Yes, you are truly a just and noble king," Loki sniffed. He turned on a heel. "I must be off then."
"Where are you going?" Odin asked with a warning tone.
"Out," said Loki. "For business. I've just discovered that there is an important matter I must see to in one of our neighboring kingdoms. I shan't be gone long."
"Loki!" Odin stood. "I will not have you destroy all that I've built!"
"Then it's a good thing I am merely going to fetch my fiancee. Have a lovely evening, Father."
Loki slammed the door on Odin's scream.
Sadly for Odin, but quite happily for our lovers, Loki had spent his formative years exploring the palace and gaining extensive knowledge of all its secrets. He knew every hidden door and underground hallway. He could start at one end of the palace and finish at the other in a minute's time. And he could easily evade any guards Odin sent to intercept him.
After gliding past one particularly witless battalion and sidestepping another, Loki exited through a trapdoor that led from the kitchen to the servant's quarters. A few stable boys were in the middle of a card game and stared as Loki brushed himself off and sauntered out of the room. Along the way, he tossed a small sack of gold on their table.
"You saw nothing," he said.
He walked in the direction of the forest as a lookout sounded the alarm. No doubt they'd just found his double wandering the basements. That would keep them busy for a few hours.
He followed a path of flattened grass and untamed weeds to the heart of the forest. Here was where all manner of scoundrel, ruffian, and general unsavory folk flocked to avoid the righteous hand of justice. Even the wildest of beasts knew to stay away from these woods, but Loki was unperturbed by danger. Indeed, it would be them who ran a greater risk of harm, should they get in his way. The chaos within the castle walls quickly fell out of earshot, and hence, out of mind. Loki navigated the ramshackle trail, through the denser parts of the forest where the sun couldn't penetrate.
A magical fire lit his way, and served to keep the muggers at bay. They had at least enough brainpower to know not to go up against a magic user. He left the forest as he'd come and stopped not once to rest. His destination was in sight, the vast ocean stretched out to the ends of the earth. A humble shipping dock saw great business today. It was the start of a new trading season, and everyone was coming out to shop for goods and wares from far off lands.
The last ship to dock was the smallest of the bunch. Its captain was not a merchant, but merely an adventurer who sailed for the sake of it. Loki had seen him around, spinning yarns of swashbuckling and mermaid hunting. Most people took them for lies because mermaids didn't exist. Loki took them for lies because all the mermaids he knew were much too smart to let some floundering drunk spot them.
It mattered not what the man said, only what he could provide. So Loki approached him, casually as if he was but a simple peasant.
"Good morrow to you, my friend," he called out.
The captain had been buffing a scratch out of his gold viking figurehead, and didn't seem to care that he was being addressed.
"I don't give tours until after seven. Wait 'til then."
"I'm not interested in a boat tour, my good man. Rather, I had hoped to borrow your vessel for the week."
"The week?"
"That is how long I expect it will take to get from here to Midgard and back."
The captain threw down his washrag and stood at full height with his hands on his hips. Were he not just under five feet and wider than he was tall, it might be an impressive sight.
"I don't give command of my ship to anyone. She's been with me for twenty six years!"
Loki glanced at the ship, it's chipping paint and patchwork sails. Several holes in the sides had been boarded over, and there was a faint, musty smell coming from an indiscernible direction. A colony of seagulls seeking out a place to land slowed to a glide, only to shoot off at top speed upon nearing the ship.
"Her beauty is truly boundless," Loki said flatly. "Regardless, I am in need of a vessel, and this is the only free one available to me."
The captain spat out a wad of chewing tobacco, much to Loki's distaste.
"Next dock's ten miles north," he said. "You'll make it by dawn if you hurry. Go hitch a ride there."
"I would be long since on my way were that an option, but alas, I am on a tight schedule. The woman I love is to marry another by Saturday. I must get there quickly if I am to stop it."
"What a sweet story," said the captain. He'd gone back to cleaning his vikinghead with all the love and care of a devoted parent.
"Surely you can understand my predicament. Would you not do the same for the woman you loved?"
"I got no use for women," said the captain. "No use for regular folk at all. Alls I need is this ship, the water, and the mermaids. Such beauties they are."
"I thank you for the important information on your preferences," said Loki. "What if I offered you payment?"
"Not enough gold in the world that would separate me from my ship."
"What if I didn't take it, but you merely chauffeured me."
"Don't like taking orders from no one on my ship."
Loki could see that the willful man was unlikely to be swayed. He sighed in disappointment, for he would now have to activate his backup plan. He'd wasted far too much time with insipid arguing as it was.
"I understand," he told the captain with feigned resignation. "Your dedication to your livelihood is admirable, and I must ask, what is the tale behind this impressive figurehead?"
The captain cracked a grin, all traces of irritation gone from him, swept away by the tide.
"Oh, that is truly a tale," he said. "It all started thirteen years ago on this very ship. She was a beauty back then, almost as much as she is now. We were cruising through the mediterranean on the coldest day of the year…"
He became consumed by the story, never noticing the shift in the air as Loki created a double to replace him, and crept on board the ship. The controls were painfully easy to figure out, so Loki didn't bother to wait around any longer. Casting an illusion of the ship still docked, his sliced the rope with a motion of his hand and was off.
He pulled out into open water and sailed due south. The ship creaked and groaned, and everyone who wasn't the captain stopped to look as he sped up. The ungodly sounds, Loki silenced with a spell. He cared not for how well the ship held out, just so long as it got him to Jane.
'Fear not, my love,' he thought to himself. 'I am coming for you. Soon we'll be together again, and the cad who would think to take you from me will pay a bitter price for this unforgivable act.'
"So I realized halfway through that I'd make a huge mistake." Richard paused, obstinately to increase the suspense for his single audience member. "I had actually left the house wearing cuff links that didn't match."
Jane blinked her eyes a couple of times to wet them. They'd been feeling especially dry as of late.
"That's just awful, Richard," she said.
"It was such a glaring mistake, too." He put his arm around her, to which Jane could only equate a large and ugly spider crawling up her shoulder. "One cuff link had my initial on it. The other had my father's. You would think that a man as well read as I could tell the difference between an R and a J."
"Yes, it's truly astonishing."
Richard chucked, then the arm that kept her trapped pulled her closer. She had no choice but to lean on him.
"Let me now tell you about the time I ordered ten crates of fresh atlantic salmon, when I really only meant to order nine."
'Loki, please save me,' Jane thought desperately, wishing those words could reach across an ocean. 'Save me…'
The land of Midgard was a small, plain nation rich in farmland but poor in everything else. Lacking the mountainous landscape and bright colors, this area was mostly a sandy beach with flatlands beyond it, as far as the eye could see. Anything that wasn't a shade of brown was the drabbest green imaginable, from the grass to the homes to the people roaming the streets. At least most of them were clean. A few children ran about with dirty hands and feet, but their adult counterparts kept themselves well.
He sailed into a port that considerably dwarfed the one he left behind. Impressive for a nation that had yet to break into the trade market. Their ships were smaller and sleeker, pleasure cruisers rather than the sturdy, practical crafts a businessman would value. A few wealthy looking couples boarded one such ship, five or six men trailing behind, weighted down by luggage. Another ship, less polished than the first, was in the process of being cleaned by a man not dissimilar to the one Loki had 'borrowed' his transport from. Only one space in the harbor was vacant. Loki spun the wheel, maneuvering in that direction.
He tied the ship down with heavy rope, then threw another sack of gold at the worker attempting to reprimand him. Something about needing official papers with stamps and whatnot. Bureaucratic nonsense he had no time for.
He sent out a double first to see if Jane's would-be suitor hadn't decided to make his life easy and take her on a merry stroll around town. A few woman bore a superficial resemblance to her, but the search turned up nothing. Drat. Loki would just have to lay siege upon the man's home then; he'd have no one to blame for it but himself.
Well, himself and Odin. Odin might be paying a hefty sum for property damage if events proceeded poorly.
"You there!" He pointed at a large, older woman carrying a basket of vegetables. "I am looking for the home of a particular merchant, but I'm afraid his name has escaped me."
The woman turned to him and sniffed. "Only one merchant in these parts. Richard. He lives up that there hill, but I wouldn't bother visiting him unless you're looking to fall asleep. All that lout ever does is tell stories about trading, as if the average folk want to listen to that."
"I see," Loki said. It was worse than he thought. "A dear friend of mine is to be married to this merchant in short order. I would see her before that can occur."
"Aye, I know of her," said the woman. "Pretty young thing. Good head on her shoulders. A shame she had to find someone like that. Poor girl will likely die within a fortnight of sheer boredom."
"I'd be more concerned for Richard's wellbeing. Thank you for your assistance, Madam."
With a swish of his cloak (that he didn't really need but it made for good dramatic effect), Loki disappeared from sight, on his way to the home of a hapless merchant, and his captive beloved.
"So Jane, I've been told you're a student of science?"
Richard's mother, while tinier and more shriveled up than most woman in the world, had a great booming voice like that of God himself. All the maids and servants bringing out their food wore their hair over their ears and turned away whenever she spoke. Such techniques could only protect them from the brunt of her verbal onslaught, but it was better than being on the receiving end with no protection at all.
"Yes, I am," she said. "I've been studying astrophysics for most of my life."
"How impressive!" Richard's mother cried. Jane's ears cried, too. And rang. "When you and Richard have children, you'll be able to teach them."
"That would be nice…"
Richard's father, a bigger man in contrast with his wife, with a bushy mustache and veiny hands, scoffed.
"Don't give her so much credit, Mary. A woman reads a book or two and thinks she's an expert. It's not as if she's had formal training in science."
"Father, please," Richard said, but at his father's hard look, he lowered his head to his plate and took a huge bite out of his drumstick.
"How would you consider a formal education, sir?" Jane asked politely. "Perhaps you would say university attendance? Or publications in scientific journals? Suppose one spends their life surrounded by scholars and intellectuals, learning from them, adding to their research, developing their own insights and practices, even if societal law doesn't allow for them to openly engage in their chosen field of study. I would call such tenacity in the face of opposition a far greater mark of intelligence than, say, drinking and frequenting the brothels during trade meetings."
Richard's father gaped at her. There had been a hint of an amused smile on his face before, a look ill suited to him in Jane's humble opinion. This was much better. In fact, it was perfect for him.
Richard laughed. His father's moment of mental malfunction was all the time he needed to crawl out from under his thumb and speak freely.
"You have quite a way with words, Jane," he said. "As far as I'm concerned, a woman's best quality is the ability to speak her mind."
"Thank you, Richard," Jane said. Maybe he wasn't completely hopeless after all.
"I just know that our sons will become great men with you to raise them."
Or not.
'Loki, I swear to god, the only reason I'm waiting around is because I know you always have a plan for these things. You'd better have a damn good one right now.'
What Loki needed right now was a damn good plan. At the moment, he was running on a semi-decent plan with a few kind of okay plans as back up, along with one completely insane last resort in case nothing else worked. No matter what obstacle came about, that plan was both foolproof and without any significant downsides. For him at least. For the merchant… well, he just hoped the man wasn't too attached to his estate or his personal belongings. Or to certain internal organs if he happened to be standing in the wrong place when Loki implemented the plan.
For the moment, everything was working in his favor. He was miles away from anyone capable of stopping him; Odin will have caught on to his trick by now, but it would take days for a ship to arrive filled with enough troops to slow him down. By then, he'd be off with Jane on a romantic honeymoon. Since the summer home was out, perhaps he'd take her to the islands off the coast of Alfheim. The night sky with the full moon out was a sight one had to see to believe.
He found the merchant's home right where the helpful woman had directed him. It was pretty much exactly what he expected- dull brown and made of brick. Square windows with a molding of a cross adorning the tower. A few stablehands tended the horses in the backyard, while a laundress stirred soap into a bath of soiled linens. None of them had seen him, but Loki had an extra bag of gold just in case of complications arising from well meaning, yet intrusive third parties.
He walked around the perimeter, staying close to the wall and out of sight. There didn't appear to be any open doors or cellars. That ruled out one plan for sneaking in. All the windows were covered in glass with iron bars blocking the view. Only the ground floor had this issue, and while Loki wasn't averse to scaling the walls, he'd rather not scuff his favorite boots. That and he'd have to break the windows, which would shower glass down on the unsuspecting and innocent of wrongdoing servants. He would be caught too soon unless he used a spell to silence the noise. That would leave him with that much less magic to work with while escaping with Jane. He'd used enough just getting here, and he wanted to be at his peak form for this
The cons of using the windows outweighed the pros, so that idea was out.
He could arrange a diversion to get the merchant and anyone else in the house to come outside, and sneak Jane away while no one was watching. The problem was that again he would be wasting energy he might need later, and what if this merchant had Jane taken to a safe room instead of bringing her out?
One by one, Loki went through each and every idea and found some kind of damning hole in all of them. Most would've worked had he still been on Asgard and had a greater resource of magic to draw on. Migard was so starved for seidr, it was astonishing that they survived at all. No wonder Odin had chosen to send Jane here; the old fool must've thought he'd concocted the perfect plan to keep them apart.
The laundress finished her work for the day and hung the blankets out to dry. She retreated into the kitchen and left the door open. She would doubtlessly return soon, so Loki expended just enough magic to cloak himself in darkness and slither into the house like a snake. No one spotted him. Anyone who came close would have mistook him for a shadow on the wall. He could feel Jane's nearness as well as he could hear her wooden tone as she begged for a reprieve from her miserable torment.
"If you all don't mind, I think I'll turn in for the night."
Jane was on her feet and backing towards the door long before her sentence was over. She almost ran right into a boy holding a tray of wine goblets and then swerved into a footmen trying to avoid him. Her would be in-laws gawked at her. The lack of good manners she exhibited weren't doing her any favors with them. If she had ever cared in the slightest about marrying Richard, this would've been the worst thing she ever did.
"We certainly do mind," said Richard's father. Whether his face was redder from indignance or the three glasses of wine he'd consumed, Jane couldn't say. "What kind of hostess do you mean to be if this is how you present yourself? You are a woman of class, are you not? Have you been taught nothing resembling etiquette in your whole life?"
"I surely have, sir," Jane said with another step towards the door. "Rule number one is that if you are tired, it is time for the party to end. So I hope you all have as lovely a rest as I surely will have."
"Richard!" Richard's father barked. "Are you going to stand for your fiance to treat us this way?"
Richard cleared his throat, glancing at his mother as if expecting her to kiss his figurative wounds and protect him from his father's wrath. She sipped her wine and did nothing.
"Father, Jane is a very spirited young woman," he said weakly. "I knew this when I accepted her hand, and-"
"And if you haven't squashed such unseemly behavior out of her yet, you are doing yourself the worst kind of disservice. A respectable man can only succeed with a respectable wife."
"I know, Father…"
"Excuse me, sir," Jane said, and contrary to what Richard's father believed, she had been taught how to be a good court lady. If she hadn't, he'd be on the floor right now with a letter opener in his ear, and not listening to her speak very softly and collectedly. "I'm afraid that I can't abide by your talking about me as though I wasn't here, and I think that your opinion of me is both uninformed and incorrect. I would appreciate it if you apologized."
Richard's father grinned, revealing yellowed, rotten teeth that made Jane's stomach churn.
"And I would appreciate it if you kept your mouth shut the way a woman should."
"Is that so?"
A cold, stony voice like the pits of the underworld plunged the room in a blanket of frost. Jane had no fear, nor did she abide by Richard when he tugged at her wrist to make her hide behind him. She peeked around the girth of Richard's father to see Loki in the doorway, leaning with his foot up on the frame like this whole place belonged to him. His eyes met hers and he winked. Jane felt the haze over her mind dissipate for the first time in days, and without another second's hesitation, she flung herself forward.
"Eek! There's a kidnapper here!" She shouted, pointing a shaking finger at Loki. "He's here to kidnap me! In fact, he has just now done so!"
Jane forced her arm into Loki's hand and 'fell' against him as the wicked fiend 'pulled' her into his embrace. She continued to cry out of her capture to the gobsmacked crowd as Loki waved a hand and the ground began to shake from under them. Richard was thrown back on his chair and let out a shriek when it toppled over. Priceless items fell from the shelves and shattered. Torches slid out of their holders and landed in a puddle of water from a pitcher dropped by a frantic servant. Richard's parents resorted to leaning on each other to stay upright, but as the shaking worsened, they joined their son on the floor a table. Jane saw no more after that. She ran with Loki out of the room, still yelling all the while.
"I have been taken! Farewell Richard, for we will surely never see each other again for the rest of our lives! Oh, how fickle fortune is to separate us so tragically! How she does mock us with her-"
"Jane, we are outside now. They can't hear us anymore."
"Oh, good." She stomped on his foot. "What the hell took you so long? Do you have any idea what I went through in that house?"
"Lots of stories about trading?"
"More stories about trading than you could even imagine. I think I lost brain cells because of this. If we don't stop at the nearest bookseller before we go home, I don't think I'm going to make it with my sanity intact."
"That can be arranged, my darling."
They slowed to a walk as Richard's bruised, but still standing home faded away. All things considered, this rescue mission had gone quite well, or at least Loki said as much while explaining to Jane how he got there. She wasn't sure how much of his story she believed (she didn't think he'd lie to her but he had been known to embellish), but the end result was enough for her, and his quasi-heroic tale of adventure was a boon on her intellectually starved mind.
They made it to the ship after a quick detour for Jane's books and a little to eat. Night had fallen, and they considered turning in below deck, but on the off-chance Richard gained a… erm, stronger constitution and came after them, it was better that they not wait around.
Jane rested on the bow of the ship while Loki steered, flipping through her books for a time and then watching the stars twinkle in the heavens.
"I've been thinking," she said, rolling on her side to face him. "This means you're not going to marry Angrboda."
"Of course," Loki said. "While some kingdoms do practice forms of polygamous marriage, Asgard is not one of them, and I don't think I would be remiss in saying you wouldn't agree with such an arrangement?"
"No, I wouldn't," Jane muttered. "But doesn't this mean Asgard and Jotunheim will go to war? I wouldn't leave your side for anything, but I don't think your father is going to like this."
Loki chuckled. "If that is your biggest concern, my Jane, then fear not. As you should well know, I have a plan for everything."
In his many years of ruling, Odin had never once look quite this sweaty and purple before. Loki could confirm that, having been alive for roughly two thirds of his father's reign. The only time before now that came close was when him and Thor were eight and together wreaked havoc at the annual banquet to celebrate Asgard's treaty with Vanaheim. Almost starting a war with a neighboring kingdom was one thing, though. Completely preventing a war with no losses on either side was another thing entirely, and Loki didn't know why Odin wasn't dancing on his desk and waving flags right now.
"So I have settled everything with your son, your majesty," said Angrboda, regal and lovely in her new role as Queen of Jotunheim. "The details of our treaty with Asgard have been drawn out, and I'm glad we were able to settle this matter diplomatically."
"As am I, my dear friend," Loki said, kissing her hand. "While I'm sorry our betrothal fell through, I know you are going to be a fine ruler, and I look forward to visiting Jotunhiem this summer with my wife."
"As do I, Loki. I've heard so many wonderful things about Lady Jane," said Angrboda. "You're lucky to have an heir as worldly and charismatic as Loki, your majesty. And to be wed to a woman as brilliant as Lady Jane Foster. Their children will no doubt be a force to reckon with. You must be so proud."
Loki led the new queen out of the office to take her on a tour of the gardens. That left Odin alone to scream himself hoarse in peace.