Disclaimer: All familiar characters are owned by J.K Rowling and associates. No copyright infringement is intended. I write for pleasure, not money.
Summary: Harry is going to tell Rita Skeeter about his relationship with Draco. Until Draco shows up and offers a much better plan. A plan that Harry turns out to know nothing about.
If Anyone Can Handle Him, It's You
"If anyone can handle him, it's you" They had told him when he and Draco became a couple. Oh, how wrong they had been. If only Harry had been able to foresee half of the insane ideas Draco got, he wouldn't be in such a mess. Or rather, they wouldn't. Alright, mostly just Harry.
It had all started just one day after Draco moved in for real. Harry had his bloody interview with Reeta Skeeter who, naturally, was fishing for any juicy detail she could get her disgusting hands on. Draco was at the Manor, gathering his things, deliberately sent there by Harry so he wouldn't ruin Harry's chance to talk about his children and his former relationship with Ginny.
"So tell me, Mr. Potter, are you and Ginny Weasley completely over each other?" Skeeter asked with fake innocence. Oh, how she would like them to come desperately crawling back to each other from time to time. It would enable her to milk the concept of them being tragic lovers, forever pining and always changing their minds.
"Yes, we are. The only thing we share now is a mutual friendship and, of course, our daughter Lily whom we discussed earlier." Harry answered. No need to tell Skeeter that Ginny wasn't in the picture at the moment and might not be for a while.
"Is there someone else then?" Skeeter asked. This was Harry's chance to tell the entire wizarding world of his discovery that he was gay and that he and Draco were now together. But did he get to take that chance? No, because Draco Malfoy chose that moment to waltz into the house and sit down besides Harry, putting a hand on his shoulder like they were merely friends and then interrupt the entire interview.
"Hey Potter! Ms. Skeeter, a pleasure. I can tell you all about Potter's love life. You see, at the moment he seems to be irrevocably in love with a special someone. Actually, I'm sure he has been yearning for their love for ages; ever since his early Hogwarts days. In fact," He leaned in close to Skeeter and she licked her lips in anticipation. "I have been informed that Potter here is going to meet up with his love tomorrow in Diagon Alley. Pretty sure that's a good place to be at about noon. Yes, noon. Actually, I dare all of those who call themselves experts on Harry Potter to show up outside Madam Malkin's and have a guess at who the object of his affections is. If they're right I promise 200 galleons as a price. So be there or be square."
Skeeter glowed at this. Harry could practically see how her brain worked to figure out if this information was true. He was about to deny it when Draco stepped down on his foot to distract him. As the pain spread, he could only sit there with tears in his eyes as Skeeter left.
"Thank you then, Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, I think it is time for me to take my leave now. Good luck tomorrow." Skeeter shook their hands and left and Harry turned angrily to Draco.
"What the hell do you think you're playing at? I was about to let people know about us and you ruined it. Stupid idiot!"
"Relax, Harry." Said Draco. "There is no problem. I just thought it would be sweet to go out and eat somewhere to ease people into the thought of us being together. Perhaps we should arrange for the Weasel and his wife to watch over Lily and Teddy for a few hours."
Harry turned Draco's suggestion over in his head. He couldn't see anything wrong with it. No, he really thought it might be for the best that they were careful about how they introduced people to their relationship. Draco had thought further than him and he gave his assent to this new plan of outing themselves. If only he had seen the mischievous glint in Draco's eyes that told a different story than his innocent tone, but it wasn't until much later that he would look back and remember the tell-tale signs of a plan taking form. And by then, it was too late to change it.
Everything was fixed - Ron and Hermione had agreed to babysit and after a long discussion with the two-year-old Teddy (who didn't say much, just glared), he had reluctantly agreed to stay with his Auntie and Uncle, but not without bawling first. If it wasn't for the deal he had made with Draco, Harry would have never left his adopted son. He wouldn't have had the heart to do it. As it was, he would later be extremely grateful that his children had been left out of the ordeal. It was simply too embarrassing to drag them into.
At 11.50 a.m. Harry apparated to the Leaky Cauldron and entered. As he saluted Tom, passing through, he subconsciously noticed how empty it was, there were barely half the amount of people there used to be. However, it didn't seem important and he continued towards the small Italian reastaurant that was located next to Madam Malkin's.
When he got there, a mass of people had formed and he located his blond boyfriend in the middle of them. Looking closer, he saw that Draco was actually collecting notes from people.
"One at a time people! One at a time!" Draco shouted. "Remember to write the name you think belongs to Harry Potter's secret love very clearly. And remember to also write your own name so I know who guessed right."
Harry was rooted to the spot. What the fuck was Draco doing? Was he actually going through with the promise he'd made to Skeeter and the Wizarding World yesterday? Good thing people had only had a few hours to make it here on time or every witch in the country would have showed up.
"Let's see, a simple charm should do it, let me just analyse the names you've written with it." Harry could see Draco wave his wand and heard him mutter a spell and then Draco announced loudly: "Oh, how sad! I'm afraid that no one made the correct guess. Too bad really. Now, let me show you something as a small comfort." He then quickly shed his robes, leaving him standing in the middle of the crowd in muggle jeans and a t-shirt with the text 'I Am Gay' in rainbow-coloured letters. Harry was too stunned to do anything, least of all prevent what happened next. First, some guy yelled profanities at Draco, then a bunch of the witches sighed and burst out crying. Next thing he knew, Draco had hauled him into the middle of the crowd and without further notice snogged the living daylights out of him. When he looked up again, their entire audience was frozen in shock, which may not be so surprising since he discovered that Draco had taken the opportunity to transfigure his clothes into a tiny, red dress with a print that said "Draco's Bitch". Too shocked to do anything other than gape at himself, Harry didn't notice Rita Skeeter until she was right in his face with the photographer taking pictures like crazy. A million questions were hauled at him from witches and wizards alike.
"Mr. Potter, is it true that you and Mr. Malfoy have been having an affair for years?"
"Mr. Potter, is it true that you are gay?"
"Mr. Potter, is it true that you enjoy cross-dressing?"
"Mr. Potter, is it true that you are actually a woman?"
Before he could answer anything, Draco had gathered him bridal style in his arms and was moving through the mass of people and Harry distantly registered that owls were already following them, with the first hate-mail, no doubt.
No sooner had they entered Grimmauld Place than Harry flew at Draco, holding his shirt in a fist and pressing him against a wall. He was angry, nae, furious with his sick drama queen of a boyfriend.
"What the bloody hell was that!" He hissed through clenched teeth.
"I was simply establishing to everybody that you are mine and they can keep their filthy hands off you from now on." Draco drawled.
"By that fucking show?"
"Yes, it was something, wasn't it? I'm quite proud of myself, who knew I could be so creative?"
"You have just humiliated me completely in front of the press you prat, do you realise the consequenses of your actions?!" Shouted Harry.
"Now, now, Potter, calm down." Draco said in a manner that pissed Harry off more. But he would have to deal with it some other way than shouting - it didn't appear to have any effect on Draco.
"I am wearing a dress." Harry stated, taking deep breaths to calm down.
"Indeed, Harry." Smirked Draco. "You know, I think you are quite attractive like that. Maybe I should take you right here."
"You want to do me?" Harry asked in a husky voice that was sure to get Draco going. "Against the wall perhaps?"
"Fuck yes." Draco answered enthusiastically.
"Well, that's just too bad." Harry said, letting go of Draco and turning to walk up the stairs - he really needed to change to ordinary clothes.
"What?" Asked Draco gobsmacked.
"I'm sorry, do you need me to spell it out for you? Your mother taught me that withdrawing certain privileges is a good way to get your guy to listen to you. If that's what I have to do, so be it. Until further notice you are not going to get off with anything but your hand. Good luck with that." Harry said and left Draco standing there, gobsmacked and planning on having a serious talk with his mother.
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