A/N : Just an experiment I have been working on for a month. I apologize in advance for any type error and grammatical error as such. This is not a beta version. (Maybe will be a multiple chapter).
Disclaimer : I don't own that characters only the story-line.
"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close you heart to the things you don't want to feel…"
-o-o-o-
-Flashback-
(Season 3 Episode 17)
"I'm thinking of freezing my eggs," Maura said nonchalantly and randomly that Jane had almost spit out the sip of beer she just took. It wasn't unusual for her honey-blonde friend to say some weird things out of nowhere but it doesn't mean that Jane would always be prepared she does.
"Ok. How much have you had?" She managed to ask once the golden brew that almost came out has been safely swallowed.
"Not much." The ME answered casually and shrugging as she further explains- "I just don't think marriage is for me. But I like to preserve my option to have children."
Nodding slightly in understanding but with the facial expression that still says she still found her best friend's comment a little weird, Jane just says- "Ok. I'm gonna leave my eggs where they are and we can talk about something else."
Her statement of course made the doctor smile. It's always easy for her to get that smile from Maura with or without trying and she always –albeit secretly- considers it as a gift.
A special one that only she possesses.
-Present-
Jane reluctantly opened her eyes as she swallows the last drop of her second beer of the night. She seems to have not much option; when her eyes are open, she could see how much fun Maura is having. How happy her best friend is while mingling and surrounded by family, friends, colleagues and the sight while makes Jane happy, it also at the same time pains her. Of course she wants Maura happy. That's all she ever wanted for her best friend. She hated seeing the ME sad.
The Doctor is a great woman but all in all she's an amazing human being. She deserves nothing but and every happiness the world can offer. And as Maura's best friend, it is her, Jane Rizzoli's responsibility to be happy for Maura regardless of what –or in this case- who causes that smile that's permanently homes the ME's lips. And she is happy for Maura. But, she would be lying if she says it doesn't tug on her heart strings a little –too- painfully. It's selfish to want to be the only one to make her best friend smile that dimpled-showing-bright-smile, but she had gotten used to it. It has been years since that ability was only hers. Now though, now that gift also belongs to some one other.
Maura's fiancé, Jack Armstrong.
When everything gets to be too much, she usually closes her eyes so she won't see, but then when her eyes are close, flashes of times when it was just herself and Maura plagues her thought. Memories that were so vivid it makes her feel that those events just happened and it pains because she knows the truth. Those alone time with Maura was over. The ME's time now occupied with Jack and the preparation for the wedding.
Technically as the maid of honour to Maura, its part of her obligation to help the bride-to-be with the preparation but she's fortunate enough to excuse her lack of participation was due to her work. And yes, she's probably the worst maid of honour but she's already –for the luck of a better word- dying inside every day, as every day is a day closer to the wedding and Maura leaving; she can't further torment herself with seeing the beautiful Maura Isles go all even more beautiful trying all the gowns that would never give her beauty enough justice.
But to avoid too much suspicion or question, she reluctantly organized the event currently unfolding before her.
Maura's bachelorette party that's not very traditional by all means. She invited everyone that's close to the ME, whether be it male or female. She thought, this party is not only a celebration of Maura saying her finally goodbye to being a single woman, but it's also her chance to spend time with the people, friends and family before she move to New Mexico and start her life as Mrs. Jack Armstrong.
Sighing, the Detective ordered another bottle of beer as she peels off the label on her empty one. The memories of her movie night with Maura used to be a light one. It belongs to those memories that reminds her that no matter how horrible her day went, how dangerous the experience she just had, that she would always have Maura; that at the end of it all, Maura would be there, a wine in her hand and a beer for her, ready to talk about the day and then ease her way to make Jane feel safe, comfortable and home.
Now though, that particular memory amongst all others carries a heavier feeling and a loaded question-
'What made Maura change her mind about getting married?'
If the Doctor didn't change her mind, Jane knew she wouldn't have spent two weeks trying to get things together for tonight's surprise party for Maura. She wouldn't break her heart over and over every time she plans a detail for this event. She wouldn't be hiding in the booth at the far back, trying to drown her sorrow while barely managing to watch the event she prepared unfold before her eyes, knowing the next day would be the day she would officially –albeit secretly- step aside and give away.
Let her go.
Most of all, if Maura didn't change her perspective about getting married and that such thing is not for her, Jane would have spent half her day talking to Jack about what and what not to do with Maura Isles.
Sighing once again, the dark haired detective once again tried to block out how she spent half her day today that she didn't pause for a second downing half the contents of the newly served bottle of beer placed in front of her.
-Earlier in the Day-
When Jane agreed to meet Jack Armstrong for a coffee alone, she didn't really know what to feel, do and expect. She likes Jack. She actually thought he's good for Maura when they just started going out the first time. The man is decent, nice and has his own quirks just like the ME; most of all, he treats Maura right and with respect. That was her initial feeling towards the professor. But now, although he's still the same guy, she doesn't quite know how to feel or what to feel towards him. He asked Maura to marry him and spend the rest of her life with him, live the rest of her life together.
Maura accepted and Jane wasn't as thrilled as she should have been when Maura broke the news to her. She does however know that she had hid her feelings well and better than the ME did when she was the one wearing an engagement ring and Maura thought she would be marrying Casey. In the Doctor's defense though, she couldn't even tell a lie and of course her reason not to be happy about her best friend getting married is far different from Jane's. So when Maura showed the ring to her, she smiled and hugged the ME, whispering congratulations while she tries to figure out then why tears started forming and flowing from her eyes. And when they pulled away from the embrace and Maura noticed her tears and asked 'Why' Jane still managed to smile and say "I'm just happy for you". And she wasn't lying. She was happy for her best friend but knew even then she wasn't happy for herself. She might not fully understand nor figure out why then, but knew her tears were not one of out of joy.
Jane was already sad but it turned to devastation when Maura revealed what entails her marriage to Jack means. Jack still lives in New Mexico because of his daughter and his job and marrying him means she needs to move to New Mexico to be with him; that she needs to give up Boston, which in Jane's mind means 'give up her job, her family and friends including her'. She didn't know how to react to the news then, so just like what Maura did before, she also walked out and ever since then she never looked at Jack the same way.
Unknowing where to go and who to turn to, she went to see her Ma after and told her the news and after Angela explained that things like that is bound to happen and that while it saddened her that one of her daughter will be leaving, that Jane should know that they can't really live and spend the rest of their lives being a couple of women who are best friends that spends the end of their everyday hanging out. That eventually they would have to have their own family. Jane understood what her mother was explain to her and her anger lessen gradually, but as it did, the pain in the middle of her chest grew. Her Ma was right in the sense that she really can't expect Maura to stay single and be contended in just hanging out with her best friend every day after work. But she had hoped that 'she' would've been enough. And that specific thought was like that flick of light and suddenly it make sense but at the same time, saw things in different light.
It was days or maybe weeks after Maura's news that Jane had finally pieces together why she feels that constriction in her chest that made it hurt almost physically over her best friend's engagement. Sure it was also because the ME will be leaving her; but after days and nights spent thinking as if she was trying to solve a murder case, she finally came to accept the realization that the reason she feels pain, the reason why as much as she tries, she still can't seem to find it in herself to find happiness in the news even if such is the cause of Maura's smile was because she couldn't be the one to provide that type of happiness in Maura's life. Because she can't/couldn't be the one to spend the rest of her life with the Doctor and vice versa. Because she loves Maura. She's in love with her best friend and as much as Maura loves her, it was not the same. It was not in the same context. And as much as she loves the ME, she now knew it to be not enough to keep her.
And when Maura asked her to be her maid of honour –as expected-, with all her broken and breaking heart, she had smile and said 'yes'. It has also been the day that she resented Jack for coming back and sweeping her best friend off her feet –again.
Jack is still the same nice guy, but Jane doesn't feel the same towards him anymore. She may not show it, but if she was given a choice, she wouldn't even breathe the same air as him. Which is why she doesn't know why she agreed to meet with him for a coffee on the same night of Maura's bachelorette party.
"Thank you for meeting me," the professor said as he places Jane's ordered coffee at the table in front of her while he also takes his seat across.
The detective just nod in response, masking her lack of words by taking a sip of her still-very-hot cup of coffee. She winced when the liquid burnt her lips, but if Jack saw it or noticed, he didn't say anything.
"You're probably wondering why I asked you to meet me," Jack stared and as Jane remained silent, the professor continued. "I do know that you probably have mix feelings about me now. I mean, it's quite obvious –to me anyway- that sharing the same air space with me seems to take a lot of effort from you now; and to think we used to get along just fine before."
When Jack paused, Jane supposed he was giving her a chance to either confirm or deny his observation. The detective did neither and just waited for him to continue.
And with a sigh, the man started again, but this time with an apology. "I'm sorry. I don't know or I'm not entirely sure what for but, I apologize sincerely. Maybe… I don't know, maybe you think I'm taking Maura away from her family and friends and the job she loves so much-"
This time, Jane spoke, interrupting the professor. "Well, you are taking her away from us," she said. What Jack has said were some of the reason why she's not as welcoming towards him as she once was. But she long figured out those weren't just the reasons. She's jealous and envious of him for having the chance to love and spend the rest of his days with the love of 'her' life.
"If I could move back here in Boston, I would've," he countered honestly and in Jane's detective eyes could see the truth behind his words. "I already considered that option before and I know Maura told you about that too. I was willing, but she didn't want me to do it because she can't afford to be the reason I miss out on Abbey's childhood."
Jane knew that. She remembered spending hours of trying to cheer the Doctor up after she broke it off with Jack and he left to move to New Mexico.
"But I moved there and I couldn't stop thinking about Maura. I thought maybe I'd give it months; give it time and I'd be able to move on. But, try hard as I had, I still couldn't get the thought of her out of my mind. And I knew then that I had to come back and see if there's still a chance for us. I mean, I wasn't sure. She could've been with someone else already. But I kept in mind that I'll only lose if I stop trying. And so I'm here."
Jane nodded. "So you're here. But why are 'we' here?"
"Because you're the most important person in Maura's life. Your opinion she most value." Was the professor's answer as if that would've explained everything.
It didn't.
If anything, it made Jane more confuse.
A little laugh escaped Jack when he saw the puzzled look and facial expression Jane made. He found it amusing and once again found another reason why Maura 'his fiancé' is very fond of the lanky detective.
"When I asked Arthur and Constance for Maura's hand in marriage-"
"You asked Arthur and Constance for Maura's hand?" Jane asked shocked or more on disbelief and when Jack nodded as a confirmation, she asked. "Why? I thought nobody does that nowadays."
Shrugging, Jack smiled and answered, "Maura deserves all the best in both the traditional and modern ways of the whole wedding package. I would've asked Paddy too and Hope but I'm not sure how to contact them." Looking thoughtful he added, "I love your best friend, Jane. I respect her and I know it would mean a lot to her knowing that I value and respected her parent's opinion of me; that would make her happier to know that Arthur and Constance gave me their blessing of taking care of their daughter."
And just like that, Jane found herself warming up to Jack once again. The man loves Maura and she can't find it in her to fault him for loving the incredible, most wonderful Maura Isles. The fact that Jack went to ask Maura's adoptive parents of the ME's hand in marriage as sign of respect just shows how much Jack values Maura and respect everyone in her life –her included. The man actually is talking to her right now because he believes she's the most important to Maura.
"Anyway, when I asked Arthur and Constance for Maura's hand in marriage, I also asked them if they could give me any… shall we say pointers on how I can take care of Maura once we moved to New Mexico. I told them I wanted to be able to provide her everything she needed seeing as I'm moving her away from friends and family. And Arthur and Constance told me that I should ask you instead. They said that while they love Maura with everything they have, that they are afraid you knew their daughter way better than they ever will. And I thought, yes. I should've thought of that. You're the most important to her-" a paused and a thoughtful look that didn't go unnoticed to Jane's trained eyes and then he added, "Most important that I would go as far as say you're her soul mate."
It still didn't help Jane understand. If anything, it made the detective even more confused especially with the added 'soulmate' part.
"Soulmate?"
Jack nodded.
"Unlike the common beliefs, soulmate doesn't necessarily need to be your spouse. It could be anybody. It could be your sister/brother, and in you and Maura's case –best friend. I truly believe you're her soulmate."
The detective stayed quiet. Could Maura be her soulmate? Could it be just that; reason why she's hurting over her is because her soulmate is being taken away from her? Could it be that and not because she's in love with her best friend? But then again, if so… why can't she be happy that her soulmate found happiness in the form of a Jack Armstrong? Why does she longed to still be the cause of Maura's dimple-showing-smile? Why does she feel envious that the man in front of her could know Maura in ways she couldn't.
Lightly, Jane shook her head, hoping to rid her mind with all the questions which answers were just as painful.
When the detective didn't say anything after his pause, jack took it as his cue to continue. "I love Maura. I'd do anything for her. I hate that it takes her to leave her job and the people she loves just to be with me."
Voicing it again, hearing the words even if Jack was not being smug about it set Jane's jaw square and her fist to ball tightly –automatically-, nails digging in her scared palm. Her stare hardened and darkened that the professor in front of her shifted in his seat unconsciously. He never had to wonder what the suspects feel when seated across from Boston's finest detective.
"And… uhm… and that's why I came to you," he managed to go on. "I would be taking Maura and I want to make sure that I'm good enough; like really enough to make her feel still at home, you know."
Understanding what the professor was trying to say and mean, Jane's stare soften and hands relaxes a bit but she remained wordless. Still seemed intimidating.
"And like Maura's parent's advice, I couldn't think of anyone to help me achieve that but you. You're Maura's best friend and you know her better than anyone. I just… I just want to know what I need to do or don't do when something happens or…"
Jane nodded At times like this, she finds herself finding it hard to resent the guy. Really, it's not his fault he fell in love with the genius and gorgeous Maura Dorothea Isles. She would probably do the same if the role had been reversed.
"I just want Maura to know and feel that you and all the people she loves may be far but I'm there for her and with her. That I could be… that wherever I am could be her home too. I could be her home too."
The earnestness in his words only left Jane to sigh. She really couldn't fault him and she's even finding herself admiring the guy for his devotion to her best friend. Slowly, she's finding herself a little grateful that at least she losing the love of her life to someone who may not love Maura just as much as she does but love Maura enough that he's not embarrassed to ask for help.
"But wouldn't you want to find all that out yourself? All those things that makes Maura, Maura? I mean, you're marrying her, you have all you lives together to get to know each other and learn what to do and not to do together." Jane couldn't be any prouder of herself with how level-headed she's handling the conversation. She almost could congratulate herself in her head for being able to get those words out. But then again, this is about Maura.
Really, she would do anything for that woman.
"I know. I just… I want… I don't want to give her any reason to regret ever leaving Boston."
And with that statement, Jane saw a strong man not afraid to show uncertainty and lose confidence in himself in the ability to be what her best friend needs him to be.
"You do know that you don't have to be anything or anyone other than yourself to be with Maura, right? She accepted you and your proposal. She…" swallowing the lump in her throat she said, "she loves you."
Bowing his head lightly, looking a little defeated, Jane took in the sight of him and let out a sigh. He just wanted to know what needs to be done and yes, she always seems to know what to do when it comes to Maura. And since she can't and couldn't be there for her physically once they move, Jane thought, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. This way, she's sure that Maura is fully taken care of; appreciated. Treated better than she ever treated her best friend.
"Maura doesn't want to be touch when she's really upset," she started and at her voice, Jack lifted his head up and meet her eyes, determined to listen and learn.
"You can try and she would step back or away from you, but try again. If she doesn't let you, just wait till she calms down a bit, then try again. Ask if you can give her a hug. She may let you or still may not. But don't be put off by it. As time goes, you wouldn't have to ask, she would just let you hold her."
"She seems to always accept hugs from you," the professor commented innocently. Jane shrugs at the comment. It was true. Just like Maura, she's not fun of hugs either but for some reason, they seem to always accept each other's hugs. She doesn't squirm away from Maura's arms, but instead nestles in them and vice versa.
"As you know, she's a health freak," she continued instead. "She would try and make you eat healthy and more green –yucky- stuff," a little smile ghosting her lips at the thought -the number of times Maura had to force her to eat healthy. She will never admit it, but she doesn't really mind Maura feeding her greens. She just want to tease her and act like it was such a chore. "But let her. Whatever disgusting looking food she hands you or cook for you and tries to feed you, eat it. You can trust that you won't die from them."
Jack laughed at Jane's chosen words but Jane knew what she said had been taken to heart.
"She just cares about your well-being. And it really isn't that bad. Just doesn't look as appealing as cheeseburger, but don't worry. Maura would cook it and present it in ways that would look very eatable."
"Ok. Thank you for the heads up," Jack offered in which Jane nodded to. "Just out of curiosity, how come you always seemed to… you know…"
"Act like it was a burden to eat those kale?"
Jack nods his head.
Shrugging and looking thoughtful. She does act like it was such a burden to eat healthy in exchange of her beloved greasy cheeseburgers, but in the end, she always eat what Maura suggested to eat; or she would compromise. Both of them do.
"It's just me poking fun at her," she answered. "But don't do that," Jane added quickly. "Whatever I've done and do or anyone have done, you have to do better than us. Maura deserves so much better."
Jack nodded again. He agrees.
After a second or two of silence, the detective decided to continue. "Maura is socially awkward when I first met her. She's a lot better with people now, especially with her impulse to diagnose them at sight. But from time to time she would slip up," she smiles unconsciously at the thought of the ME's natural doctor instinct. "It's part of who she is. She wouldn't be Maura if she's not like that, so… when she does slip up, just try and stop her in the most subtle way you know before she ends up offending people. And of course, she wouldn't know or more so realize what she did so you would have to explain it to her. She's a genius but not very much socially wise."
Jane then looks at Jack directly in eyes and added, "Be patient with her and reasonable. Don't make it a big deal. She'll realize what you're trying to explain and both of you can laugh about it and move on."
Again, the professor nodded his head. He listens, but at the same time observe.
"Also, like I said, Maura is a genius. She's a living, talking encyclopedia. A google-mouth. She would randomly throw facts at you about this and that and it would probably bore you at some point, but listen to it anyway. It might be a useful information for you in the future."
"Do you listen to everything she says?"
Smiling at yet again another thought of Maura spewing facts about whatever, Jane nodded. "I do."
Jack nods again, but watches the detective's facial expression softens even more. Every time she says something about the Doctor, her expression softens bit by bit and a ghost of a smile would always accompanied.
"Sure, I may have rolled my eyes or pretended to yawn or sometimes interrupts her, but… yes. I do listen to her," she admitted and then shook her head a little, almost non-existent before she looks at Jack again. "But don't do that. When you listen to her, just listen. Don't interrupt, don't roll your eyes and don't yawn –if you can help it. Just listen to her."
The professor smiled a little at the image the detective described but again, nodded his head. He intend to listen to everything Maura's dark-haired best friend offers about her. He had asked for it. But what he can't help is to notice the change in the detective's not only facial expression but also her tone of voice when she spoke of the Doctor. Jack then knew, as he observes, listens and watches, that he might get more than what he asked for.
"Again, as you know, Maura's wealthy. The Isle's is a well-known family in Boston who knew a lot of well-off people too; and on occasion, she would sure drag you to one of those fancy events or foundation things rich people do for charity or what-not. Go. Accompany her. It would be intimidating at first or every time, but just remember that Maura will not leave your side. If she does so, it would only be a moment and you can take that opportunity to observe the people surrounding you; the kind of people Maura grew up to associate with. Take in where you are. You are in Maura's other world. And then, take the time to appreciate and remember that Maura is different from them. Never. As in never use Maura's wealth against her. She may have grew up in that world -with money. But she works just as hard as any of us. She does overtime not for money but to help. She slams with us to solve crime and give justice to the victims' families."
Looking at the cup of coffee at the table, her mind faraway; with a smile she didn't know she have, Jane went on, "take that moment, that opportunity to realize how lucky you are to be in Maura's life. The woman who basically raise herself. An amazing human-being that grew up with a silver spoon in her lips and yet chose to mingle with the likes of us and works hard in making a difference by using her intellect."
Still looking at the now empty cup, Jane lets herself be drown in the depth of what she knows of to be Maura Dorothea Isles.
"Whenever either of her biological mother –Hope- or adopted mother –Constance- visits, she stresses out and panics. You can sure expect that from her. So your job is to stay calm and be the voice of… reason per se. She's also capable of stressing out 24hrs before either of the two arrives so try to calm her by holding her in place, look her directly in her eyes and tell her everything will be fine. Remind her that she doesn't need to impress them because they would always still love and adore her regardless of what food she serves them."
"What if it doesn't work?"
Turning her eyes to Jack whom for a moment she forgot was sitting across from her listening to every word she says, the detective this time consciously smiles –more because of the thoughts in her head rather than the question.
"It won't," she confirmed and chuckled a little when the professor further frown. "It won't work no matter what you say, Maura will always want to serve and give the best and she tends to set a high standard, so what's good enough for us is still not up to her standard of good enough. So in the end, you are just left with just helping her and assuring her that everything will be fine. Again, be patient with her, because you surely will hear yourself repeating those words over and over."
The look that crosses the professor didn't go unnoticed by the detective's trained eyes. She saw a little worry that nevertheless quickly vanished. Jane thought it might have been just a second of worry in Jack that he might not provide enough assurance for his wife-to-be.
"If you think that's bad, it would be a lot worst when she has that moment when/where she doubts herself to be a good person," she said.
"What do you mean?" Again the worry came back in the kind man's face.
Hesitantly and carefully, the detective ask what he knows of Maura's biological father.
"She hasn't told me a lot about him. But I've read and watched the news. I know," he assured her.
Nodding her head, confirming that his statement was enough for Jane to believe that Jack is not completely oblivious of Maura's paternity –which was hardly a surprise.
"There would be moments when Maura would think that she may have a bad bone in her body or that she might be like 'him'." Again the professor and disbelief obvious in his face, Jane nodded her head in agreement. "Yes. Even I don't know where she get the idea from."
Jack smiled at Jane's statement. The notion of Maura being anything other than wonderful, or the notion of Maura being anything like her biological father was preposterous.
"Anyway, when and if those moment happen, just take her hands in yours, look her directly in the eyes again and remind her how amazing she is. How there would be no evidence to support her thought of being anything other than the beautiful being –inside and out- that she is. That the only thing she got from him was his DNA."
"Would that work?"
This time, Jane nodded. "Eventually she'd believe you and when she reach that point of realizing the absurdity of that thought? Just gather her in your arms and continue assuring her that she's different and that you love her."
Jane knew she didn't get to do that –say that she loves her. But if Jack will be her replacement –so to speak-, then he should be able to do a better job than she did and not do the same mistake.
Sighing lightly, shaking the thought of regret in her head, Jane started with another fact about Maura Isles.
"She likes running at the crack of dawn, so be sure to be up and early then. She doesn't like instant coffee, so make sure to learn how to make her fancy brew. If by any chance you get serve a bunny pancakes, give her the ears. She would also probably at one point will ask you to make a bucket list. Expect that when you see hers, the first on it will be to do something from your list. So make it a point to suggest to do something from each other's list. She would love that."
When the detective paused, Jack took everything in. From what Jane has said, to the changing expression of her face. If he had any doubt about what he thought he knew earlier, he sure doesn't have any doubts now. The detective may have a tough exterior, an aura of confidence and an amazing poker face, but… just like Superman, she has her own personal kryptonite. In this case, he knew what or more so who the Boston's finest weakness is.
"Lastly, Maura's last wish is to be buried at sea. She also wants someone to be playing cello and to celebrate her life with a bottle of champagne."
Again, Maura's fiancé nodded in understanding. He knew the women's –the detective and the doctor- friendship is deep. He just didn't realize how deep.
"Did you manage to get anything or preferably everything I said?"
"Yes," he answered and smiled as he revealed his phone that shows the recording on. "I recorded it too, just in case."
Jane then smiles a little and rolled her eyes in the typical Jane Rizzoli fashion. The guy is weird; which is why she's convinced that he could be… perfect for the woman 'she' loves.
Taking a deep breath, Jane straightened, "I think that's about it. So… thank you for the coffee but I have to go now," she said as she stood, but before she could take another step she heard-
"You love her." It was a statement and not a question. Said in a quiet but sure tone.
"She's my best friend," she said. It was half the truth.
"More than that," Jack countered, but not accusingly and Jane neither confirmed nor denied. She stayed quiet, waited for another second, before deciding to take another step away.
"We both love her," the professor again halted Jane's step. "But, could I be enough?"
Swallowing a lump that was suddenly in her throat, Jane placed a hand at the man's shoulder before saying, "Maura's willingly marrying you and moving to New Mexico with you. She loves you not just enough but 'that' much."
A sole tear escaped the detective's eye and she couldn't have been more thankful that she's standing just besides the still sitting professor whose eyes are fixated at the table. "That's all you have to remember." And with that said, she left.