Understanding
Disclaimer: No, I do not own NCIS: LA.
Summary: After Kensi and Deeks return from Afghanistan, things are different, but maybe not entirely for the worse. They finally understand the darker parts of each other, and when it comes to learning to love, that is all they can hope for.
The plane ride home wasn't as bad as Deeks thought it would be. The ride was long and for the most part quiet, but he knew that's what they all needed. For the first hour, Kensi sat silently beside him, staring out the window in her own world. It wasn't until well into the third hour of travel when he woke from a nap to her sobbing into her hands did he dare ask if she was alright.
She looked shyly up at him, as if she were scared of the words she was going to speak. "Kensi," Deeks whispered. "I won't push you to tell me. I just want to make sure you're okay."
"I don't know if I'll be okay," she whispered back. She looked back down at her hands for a minute before speaking. "The...the man you saw me with, his name is Jack Simon. We were engaged, almost ten years ago. One day I woke up, and he was gone. Just like that. He had just come back from Afghanistan. I knew something was wrong and I wanted to help, but he was changed. When he left, I was heartbroken. It made me give up a little, you know? I thought Jack was dead. First my dad, then him...and when Dom died, well, you know I was uptight. But when Hetty chose me for this mission, I thought it was because I was a decent shooter. I had no idea that she wanted me to kill Jack."
Deeks found himself hurting for his partner, despite the fact that his heart wanted him to be jealous. Jack had left Kensi years ago. That didn't matter now...did it? "Is that why you let yourself get captured?" he asked.
She nodded. "I couldn't believe that it was him. After all these years, and he just ran away from everything, from me...I just wanted to talk to him. But Jack wasn't the guy I knew. He's not the man I loved." Kensi began to cry again. "When things got worse and they started...when they started torturing us, he tried to calm me down, to comfort me. It didn't work. Nothing he said would stop the pain."
He feared the answer, but Deeks asked anyway. "Then what did?"
Kensi looked up into his eyes. "You."
"Kens." She turned back. "I just want you to know...the place I went in my head, to um, to stop the pain...was you. Your smile, your laugh, everything. For whatever it's worth."
Kensi had looked shocked, not knowing what to say. But Deeks knew he had to get it out there or else he would explode. Through all of his pain, all he could think about was her. All the missed opportunities they would have if he died. He thought of all of the smiles, jokes, and punches she threw at him and how much he missed them. He thought of the way he could make her laugh when she felt like crying. He thought about all of the people who asked, 'Are you two a couple?' and they would share an amused glance before saying no.
He had missed everything about her. She was the thing that kept him sane when his world was falling apart.
Deeks looked at her, absorbing the answer that he hadn't been expecting. Kensi looked at him too, before self-consciously lowering her gaze. "For whatever it's worth," she said quietly. He couldn't help it but to smile a little, knowing that somewhere, underneath the pain, his Kensi was still there. Carefully, not to hurt her, he wrapped his arm around his partner. She laid her head on his shoulder and snuggled into his side. She closed her eyes contentedly. She had missed him more than anything.
"It's worth a lot," Deeks assured Kensi. She reached for the hand that was not resting around her shoulder and held it tightly in hers. She took a deep breath before speaking.
"Remember how before...you said you wished I'd never understand how you were feeling?"
"Yeah," he responded, not liking where this was going. "I remember."
"I know how you feel," Kensi had said.
Deeks shook his head. "I really wish you never do." She looked a little hurt at his statement, but it was true. He knew his partner had been hurt before, but he prayed with all his heart she never felt like he did now. He knew it was foolish to think like that – Kensi was strong, and he couldn't protect her from everything.
But by God, he was going to try.
Kensi weakly attempted to hold back another wave of tears as she whispered, "I get how you felt now." Deeks just held her tighter as she cried in his arms.
"Shh, it's okay," he whispered. "I got you, Kens. I'm right here." Kensi gripped his hand tighter as she fought to control her tears.
"Thank you, Deeks," she choked out. "Thank you for everything. Thank you for coming to get me even though you thought I was dead."
"I'll always come for you," he promised, and she curled further into his side. They sat there in silence for a while, just holding onto each other and reveling in the thought that they were both there, they were going home. And hopefully, with luck, they'd be okay.
There was an hour and a half remaining in their flight when Kensi and Deeks both dozed off together. They had been taking turns sleeping previously, but now neither of them could stay awake. His arm was around her, holding her sleeping form to his; the fingers of his free hand intertwined with hers. For the first time since they had rescued Kensi, they both looked at peace, a detail Callen noticed as he passed by their seats on his return from the restroom. He returned to his seat beside Sam, and gestured backwards to their partners. The guys were a row ahead on the opposite side of the plane; sitting in front of Granger who was across from Kensi and Deeks.
"They needed to sleep," Sam pointed out. "They've had one hell of a ride."
"That they have," Callen agreed. He looked back at the two sleeping bodies. "I'm kind of surprised, though. After all that happened with her and Jack, you would think she'd have a hard time being that close to someone again."
His partner chuckled. "Kensi and Deeks have been smitten like that ever since they met. It was only a matter of time before they realized it themselves."
"Do you think Hetty will approve?"
"Hetty doesn't approve anything, G. She either straight up disagrees or just goes along for the ride. But I think they'll be okay." The partner duo looked back again, taking in the peacefulness that Kensi and Deeks were finally getting.
"Yeah," Callen agreed quietly. "They'll be alright."
Two weeks after their return from Afghanistan, Kensi was cleared to return to active field duty. Deeks was happy to have his partner back, and Kensi was pleased to have him back by her side. They had yet to discuss their relationship, but they both knew that all the putting off would have to stop. If they were going to work together, they needed to know where they stood.
The night before Kensi's first day back on duty, Deeks heard a knock on his door. He knew it was her before he even opened it, because even if they didn't have anything to discuss, she was the only one who came by. Sure enough, Kensi stood nervously outside his apartment, and thanked him with a shy smile as he told her to come in. She had brought beer and food, as per usual, and Deeks couldn't help but think how normal it felt to do this. How normal it felt to do this with her.
They were eating in silence for a few minutes before Kensi spoke. "What are we going to do, Deeks?" He could hear the dread in her voice, as she silently begged him to not break her heart.
"Us, personally?" he asked. "I'm not sure, Kens, at least not right now. But don't worry. If you ever need me, I'll be right here, okay? Don't forget that. You're always welcome here." He reached over and threaded his fingers with hers. Kensi smiled a small smile, but it was pure.
"Thank you," she whispered. Her gaze drifted away, her attention no longer on the food in front of her. Deeks noticed for the first time how truly tired Kensi looked. He had noticed before, of course, but now in the odd lighting of his apartment at nine at night could he fully take in the lack of sleep in his partner's eyes. He squeezed her hand to drag her attention back to him.
"Are you tired, Kens?" he questioned gently.
She squirmed a little under his gaze before giving in. "I've barely slept since we got back. I keep waking up in the middle of the night...screaming...just, I hate what I see in my sleep. It's terrible."
"Yeah, I get what you mean. I still get the nightmares sometimes too," Deeks confided.
"How...how do you get over them?" she asked. He hated how scared she sounded. His Kensi was tough and wasn't plagued by nightmares. But she had been through hell, he knew. He had been there too, and now he needed to be there to help her through it.
"It takes time – and, sometimes, help," he admitted. She nodded slowly, and he could almost see her falling asleep on his couch. "Kens, if you want to sleep you can use my bed. I'll be right here if you need me."
She frowned at him. "Deeks, are you sure? I don't want to be a burden..."
"You're never a burden, Kensi. You need to sleep. I'll be right here." He gave her a smile that she graciously returned.
"Okay. Thank you," she whispered. Kensi carefully stood up, slipping her hand out from his. She headed back to Deeks' room and disappeared into the darkness. Deeks grabbed a blanket and laid back on his couch, listening to the quiet of his apartment, knowing his partner was just down the hall. He resisted the urge to get up and make sure she was all right. She's a grownup, he chastised himself. Heck, she's Kensi. She'll be fine.
She wasn't for long.
Around one o'clock that morning, Deeks was ripped from an already uneasy sleep by the sound of Kensi screaming. It was loud and pained; the kind he used to wake up to after his torture experience. Within a second he was up and running toward his room. He rushed in and sped to his partner's side. He perched on the bed beside Kensi as she shook and tears streamed down her face.
"I'm sorry, Deeks," she spluttered through her tears. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
"Shh, Kens, come here," he said, and pulled her into his arms. She fell forward onto his chest and sobbed into his shoulder. "It's okay. It's just a dream. It's just a dream." She clung to him like a lifeline, and he held her close to him, gently stroking her hair. They sat like that for almost ten minutes before Kensi made a move to separate from him. Her face was wet and her eyes were red, and looking at her was enough to make Deeks' heart break. He carefully reached up and wiped a few stray tears from her face. She looked even weaker and more tired than she had before.
"You should try to go back to sleep," he told her quietly. She laid back against the pillows and closed her eyes. Deeks was making his way to the door when she called out.
"Marty," she called, her voice shaky. He turned back. Swallowed in the covers on his bed, Kensi looked as vulnerable as a child. "Can you stay? Please?"
He nodded. "Yeah, I'll stay." He made his way to the other side of the bed and climbed in beside his partner. She immediately curled up to him like she had on the plane, resting her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, his cheek in her hair. He waited until he heard her breathing even out before he allowed himself to succumb to sleep again.
That time, there were no nightmares.
Kensi awoke the next morning surrounded by the warmth radiating from Deeks. She felt more rested than she had in the last few weeks, the last few months, even. Finally deciding she needed to get up, she blinked her eyes open and looked up at Deeks who, to her surprise, was awake and watching her.
"Morning, Fern," he said with a smile.
"Were you watching me sleep?" she asked teasingly, making no effort to move from her position on his chest.
He chuckled. "Just for a little while. You looked peaceful. I didn't want to wake you up." She smiled at him.
"Thanks for staying last night. It...It helped, a lot."
"I'm always here for you, Kensi," he promised. He tilted his head back to check the clock on his night table.
"We've got to go to work, don't we?" Kensi guessed.
"Yup," Deeks confirmed. "Don't want to be late on your first day back, do you?" They both chuckled before getting up and walking back into his living room. She ran a hand nervously through her hair.
"Well, um...I guess I'll go back to my place and get ready, and I'll see you at work, okay?" she said, the words tumbling over each other to get out. He could tell that she wasn't worried just about being late. She was worried about them.
Before she could turn to leave, Deeks called her back. "Hey, Kensi. Don't worry about us, okay? We'll figure it out together, I promise. We'll be alright."
Kensi found herself smiling. "I believe you. Thank you, for everything." She quickly turned back once more before leaving and ran up to her partner and kissed him swiftly. Her lips pressed against his, and they had both begun to relax when Kensi pulled away. Blushing furiously in a very un-Kensi-like way, she said another quick goodbye before exiting his apartment and heading to her car. Deeks stood there for a minute, watching Kensi climb into her car, before a smile broke out across his face. He chuckled quietly to himself as he headed back down the hallway to prepare for work.
Yeah, he thought. We'll be just fine.