Not mine.
Naught's Skyway
Do you ever feel vaguely like a trapped animal?
Because I do. Oh man, I do. A lot more of the time than I like to admit, and a lot closer than I'm comfortable with.
Because, see, I have this secret. This huge, major, important secret that could really cause some trouble for me if it ever got out. A few people do know it- my two best friends, to start with, and my sister who's been really great about it, mostly- but I can't tell anyone else.
The worst of it is, I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. Jazz is great, yeah, but she doesn't understand. My parents…well, I know now that they'd accept me, but that doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't try to experiment. Not if they thought it was for my own good. Besides, there was no way for them to know without the Guys in White knowing, and I know they'd have me locked up in a lab somewhere.
That is, obviously, something I would prefer to avoid.
Back to the point, though, Jazz is there to talk to but it's not like she can help with this. She tries, but…she doesn't know what it's like to find yourself dropping through walls and floors at inopportune moments. Not many people do.
Tucker listens, kind of, but he doesn't really know how to help. Sam's probably the best to talk to- she listens at any time, even if I come flying in her window at two in the morning, but there are still things I can't tell her because she wouldn't understand.
I mean, how am I supposed to explain that the reason no one could find me last Thanksgiving was because I was hanging out in the Ghost Zone with Klemper and the Box Ghost?
That's the main thing I don't have anyone to share with: I may be human, but I'm still a ghost. There's even a part of me that prefers the Ghost Zone. Klemper and the Box Ghost aren't very bright, but they're also not trying to hunt/kill/imprison me, which puts them above most of the other ghosts. I get along with Clockwork pretty well, too, but he's kind of a loner.
I even have a lair in the Ghost Zone now, a very small one near Clockwork's castle, but even if it's small it's my lair. It's a good place to go when pressure builds up in the 'human' world- I can't even think of it as my world anymore. Neither world is really mine.
I especially can't let Jazz know about my lair. She already spends most of her free time trying to psychoanalyze me, convinced that Phantom and Fenton have to be two sides of my personality. They're not, they're both still me. If I ever doubted that I stopped after that disastrous trip through the Ghostcatcher. That was….well, it was horrible. The accident that made me Phantom was painful enough, but going through the Ghostcatcher felt like tearing myself in two, slowly.
It makes sense, in a weird sort of way. I can't separate Phantom out from me because Phantom is me. It kinda concerns me, though, because the first time I went through the Ghostcatcher- when I went through it by accident- it had a different effect. Sure, I still split apart, but only for an instant and I could feel that both halves of me were shocked and just wanted to merge again, so they did. The only explanation I can come up with, and Sam's the one that actually came up with it, is that my ghost half and my human half have gotten more integrated.
Vlad is a hybrid like me, but he's definitely on the bottom of my People to Confide In list. Between the attempts to adopt, kill, and clone me, I think I can safely say the guy's off his nut. Dani might understand, but I don't have a clue how to contact her, and it's an entirely different set of circumstances for her, too.
I'm not a ghost. I'm not a human. I have no place. Spectra was an evil witch, but she was right about that.
Worst of all is this fear that if my secret gets out I'll lose everything. My parents were okay with it before I used the Reality Gauntlet, but what if it hadn't really sunk in yet? What if they changed their minds? And what if they tried to cure me? Phantom is a part of me, I can't just give him up. Actually, at this point, I'm not even sure that's possible.
What if they kicked me out?
And another thing I learned from that trip was that if my secret does get out is that the government will come for me and use me as a lab rat. I could probably run when they come, and I can hide forever with my intangibility and invisibility, but that's not any kind of life. It's better than lab rat, but still.
Between the Guys in White, Valerie, Skulker, and Freakshow's damned crystal, sometimes I feel way too much like a trapped animal.
I have no place.
And sometimes, that really, really hurts.
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GuardianSaiyoko: Written because sometimes, being bi really sucks. Now I'm gonna go panic quietly until my grandparents arrive in the morning to stay here for the next week. In my one-bedroom apartment. While I try to keep my own secret identity secret.
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