Author's Notes: This is the worst piece of crap ever. Enjoy. :-)
Disclaimer: Pshaw. ?.?
Once upon a time, Ed and Al were strolling through a park. It was a lovely day, despite the hail and random lightning bolts...Wait, no.
Once upon a time IT WAS AN EVIL DAY OF TERROR! GRRRRRRRRR, TERROR. Trees were being ripped out of the ground and flung into houses and the elderly by the horrible swirling gales! Sharks were roaming the streets! And then dying from lack of water! And don't even get me started on those leprechauns.
But Ed didn't care, because he was safely inside with a cup of hot chocolate, given to him by a dying shark.
"You must save...the coa-coa...its legacy...will live on," the shark had wheezed before collapsing and dying.
This confused Ed a great deal. But he liked hot chocolate, so he took it gladly and headed to Grandma's House. Grandma's House was really an abandoned cottage by the forest where little red riding hood's grandmother used to live. Little red riding hood had been killed by a meteor shower or something ten years ago, but nobody really cared because she was just an idiotic brat who thought all wolves were evil or something. Freaking moron. SO. Anyway, when the brat died, the cottage was abandoned. Nowadays it was the best spot to parTAY!
"Swoops! Hey, hey!" sang Armstrong, grabbing a packet of Hershey's Swoops. Somebody hit him with a blender. Who was it?
Why, it was Sheriff Roy Mustang, hero of the Wild West!
"This cottage ain't big enough fer the both of us," Roy said threateningly, pulling a water balloon from his pocket.
"Your mom goes to college," Armstrong replied. No one cared.
"WE'RE GONNA A-SPLODE!" screamed Winry, who was hiding behind the fridge the entire time.
"SHUT UP!" a raccoon wearing a Shinsengumi outfit screamed back. It advanced towards her with a sharp, pointy katana, but was interrupted by a magic talking goldfish with wings.
"Put down your weapons," the magic talking goldfish said coldy, "or die." The fish's voice was quiet and completely emotionless, almost as if the owner of the voice had trained with a sake obsessed hermit who lived on a mountain, then went down to fight in a war, became an assassin, fell in love with a girl whose fiance he had unknowingly killed, then accidentally killed her, and was now waiting till the war ended, after which he would wander for ten years, then wind up at some insane dojo...et cetera.
The raccoon hissed. And then turned into a flower. And a-sploded.
The goldfish cried. Ed ate it. He sure loved sushi.
(Oh yeah, and Al was out eating people's souls somewhere. Just because he could, you know? YOU KNOOOOOWWWW? No you don't. Shut up.)
Suddenly Sheriff Roy Mustang, hero of the Wild West, lobbed the water balloon at Scar, who ducked just in time. Yeah, Scar was there too. He just, I don't know, saw the light or something and joined the military.
"Actually, why the hell DID you join the military, Scar?" the author asked.
"To protect our country from ZEBRAS! They're planning world domination!" Scar proclaimed proudly with princely presumption. Presumption...? I don't know.
Well, that settles that. You know, I really need to put on gloves or something. I honestly don't know why I'm typing this on my grandmother's old type writer in the middle of Alaska with no coat on. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hold on a sec while I grab some gloves from those little defenseless children over there...That's better. Now maybe I won't have to use my nose to type.
Anyway. When Scar ducked the water balloon, it hit a beaver instead. But it wasn't just any beaver! It was Dr. Tim Marcoh! Yes, Ol' Timmy was a beaver indeed. No one noticed before because they all have terrible vision. Ed is blind in one eye, just like that jockey who rode Seabiscuit. Red something. Red Pollard? Our horse is too small, our jockey's too big, our trainer's too old, and I'm too dumb to know the difference! Seriously, that was a good movie. It was all like, "MWAKAKAKBHWEHWAIIIIII!"
And Marcoh the beaver was rather angry. Thus, he sat upon a mushroom and became very...IRRITATED. No, no, you have to say it like the Hulk. You have to sound really dementedly furious. Like, "EAR-AH-TAY-TTTTEEEEEEDDDDD." Let's try again. Ready? All right.
IRRITATED.
Much better.
The end.
What? Oh, shut up.
Yes, I do realize that there was no conclusion to the story. Yes, I realize that for the most part, the plot was a little vague and not entirely clear, if it was even present in the first place.
But let's face the facts. You can't always get what you want. (There's even a song in which they sing that.) Some people may have clicked the link to this story expecting a humorous and clever tale about Edward Elric's adventures, with a nice, steady plot, and witty dialogue, but those people must be, unfortunately for them, disappointed.
All right, all right, I'll give you your damn conclusion.
Marcoh was suddenly swallowed whole by the mushroom, which was actually an Audrey 2 plant in disguise. But before the plant could start singing and persuading people to kill dentists, Roy proclaimed, "AHA!" for no reason at alland snapped his fingers, accidentally burning the Audrey 2 to a crisp. Scar worked at the grocery store, saving his pennies for someday, until Mama Scar-oni left a note on the door, saying 'Sonny, move out to the country'. Then Billy Joel accused the author of plagiarism, which she of course denied. The trial was held on a Tuesday morning, but the author never showed up. She came in the next day, with everyone still waiting there in the courtroom, and apologized profusely for being late. Her excuse? "I was eating cotton candy and it was really good." This did not placate anyone, but they dealt with it because they were getting paid a lot.
After Scar went to work at that damn grocery store, Winry proclaimed to the world, on national television, that she was madly in love with...
Jerry Seinfeld.
This proved to be a very awkward situation, causing Jerry to go crazy and sic his pet zebra on Winry, which, sadly, resulted in her death. (The zebra also ate Roy. Before anyone asks, he was crispy and tasted great with ketchup.) When zebras everywhere heard the news, they decided that it was the perfect time to launch their 'Stripes Strike' campaign for world domination. Immediately, they began invading the country. Yes, dear reader, Scar was right all along.
So, Ed was pretty much alone, except for Armstrong, who was dead anyway from chocolate overdose. This made Ed sad, because he is a very social person. Luckily, Al returned five minutes later, but then he went stupid all of the sudden and jumped in the ocean and died, though I'm guessing he can't exactly die if he doesn't have a body. Well, he got his body back two seconds before he jumped in.
Surprisingly, Ed didn't much care. He announced to no one in particular that Al was "crampin' his style anyway". The next day, he ignored the label on his hair dryer that read, "DO NOT USE WHILE IN BATH TUB."
A total of two million, six hundred and ninety-three people (half of them children) and ninety-eight elves showed up at the funeral. When asked why they showed up just for Ed, all were quite perplexed, apparently having thought that they were attending Santa Claus's funeral. At least it explained the elves.
Five years later, Ed rose up from the dead, punched a couple of drug dealers, and went back to his coffin.
All in all, it was a really weird party.
THE END FOR REAL AND DON'T ASK FOR MORE OR ELSE.
References to Napolean Dynamite, Little Red Riding Hood, Rurouni Kenshin, Movin' Out by Billy Joel, and whatever else is in this pathetic fanfic. He's trading in his Chevy for a Cadillac ac ac ac ac...You oughta know by noooooooooow...