Spoilers for Suits 5.10 "Faith"
"I´m glad you´re here. I need to tell you something," Harvey says and it´s more a deep statement of faith than a casual remark. He said it like there was no doubt that Mike would be here – here with him – even though there is so much shit going down.
For Harvey Mike is a certainty; a steadfast rock in the currents that threaten to drown him, the one person he knows who will always have his back, no matter what. Harvey looks at Mike and sees what he thought he had lost long ago with no hopes of ever regaining it: unconditional loyalty. And maybe Harvey wished for more – so much more – but it was enough. It had to be.
Behind Mike, through the windows, Harvey can see the skyline of Manhattan. Thousands of lights behind thousands of windows, illuminating the night. Usually you can´t see any stars on the night sky over Manhattan, but this night Harvey can glimpse a few and he wonders if it means something. Some kind of sign, maybe. Usually he isn´t one to have such thoughts, but today is…different.
They have won the war, but the final battle had cost them much. Harvey is weary – so fucking sick and tired of going through the same motions again and again. Once he had loved his job – the thrill, the money, the recognition – but now he´s always left wondering who will be the next coming after the firm, after him or after Mike. Who is the next aiming to destroy everything he fought for. And maybe it´s selfish, but some part of Harvey´s mind is glad that now everything is over.
His letter of resignation weighs heavily in his breast pocket, but it´s also physical proof that everything´s over soon. Looking at Mike, his hair geled back, his immaculate suit, leaning against the shelves on which his signed basketballs stand, Harvey can feel the weight pressing on him lessening. Mike looks like he belongs in here and the urge to simply stretch out his hand and touch him is so great, that Harvey has to take a step back. He had his chances and he hadn't taken them. Too late for regrets.
"Whatever it is, it might not matter after I give you this," Mike replies.
"What is it?" Harvey knows what it is. But he has to ask the question to uphold the small semblance of normality. Maybe he´d been naïve believing that there wouldn't be any consequences for Mike after all this was over, but Harvey had hoped that it wouldn't be this. Everything but this.
"Harvey, you didn't just gave me my dream," Mike begins and Harvey just wants him to stop. No big speeches, no gestures of thanks, no letters…because then he could stay a little bit longer in his fantasy world where Mike is still by his side and nothing can hope to stand against them. Don´t! He wants to scream. Don´t say it! Don´t make it real. But Harvey remains silent. "You gave me a family." And this is what nearly breaks Harvey. He may have given Mike a family, but he wants to give him so much more. He wants to make Mike smile, to cry with him, to see Mike look at him with the same love in his eyes that he holds for Rachel. He wants to be the family Mike will built with Rachel instead, but when he looks at Mike´s finger and sees his engagement ring – ugly, tainting, wrong – he knows that such thoughts will forever be restricted to the realm of dreams.
'Almost', such an ugly word. Almost won. Almost finished. Almost keeping Mike by his side.
"But I´m gonna have a family of my own someday and I can´t have all this hanging over their heads," Mike finishes.
"You´re resigning," Harvey says and the words taste like ash in his mouth. He had so hoped that at least Mike would stay even when he´s gone, because Harvey knows how much being a lawyer means to the younger man. He miscalculated.
"I am." Mike´s voice is steady and his gaze doesn´t waver. He has made his decision and he will stand by it.
"You know," Harvey saiys, "you once asked me why I hired you and I told you life is like this and I like this…"
"Harvey, please, you can´t convince me…"
"Let me finish," Harvey interrupts. Let me finish. Let me have this last few moments with you where it´s just us; no Rachel, no Donna, no Jessica, just us. But he doesn't say it. "It was like this not because of the risk we´re taking." He swallows. His throat is so dry. "It´s because of who you are." Harvey knows that Mike won´t recognise what he truly means by that, but at least it´s out in the open now. He said it.
"So you´re not disappointed?" Mike askes and the light that rekindles in his eyes at Harvey´s words is worth all the pain. Maybe he can´t give Mike much, but this small thing is something he gives gladly.
"Are you kidding me?" he tries to sound happy, but to him it´s sounds hollow. Mike doesn´t seem to notice though. "After that speech, if you hadn´t done this, I´d be kicking you out." Harvey says that only for Mike´s benefit. He´d never kick Mike out – he couldn't. But this is something Mike needs to hear in order to finally let go. Harvey wants to be selfish – he really, really, wants – and say something different to make Mike stay, but he can´t do that to Mike. Mike deserves to be happy, even if this happiness would be without him. "And for the record, you´re not the only one who got more family out of this deal."
Mike walks forward, hand stretched out, but Harvey ignores it and hugs him instead. This was his last goodbye – his last chance – and he would make it mean something. Harvey tries to convey everything in this one gesture; his loyalty, his devotion – his love – and maybe Mike notices. Harvey will never know. Maybe one day Mike will tell his children about him, about their adventures, about how they fought against the odds and won, about all the shenanigans they pulled through with a wistful sparkle in his eyes. And maybe Harvey would be allowed to be there, standing on the side-lines and wishing he´d chosen differently on the many times he could have.
Their embrace ends and Harvey reluctantly lets go. Mike nods at him one last time and then Harvey´s watching him walking out of his office, through the empty hallways of PSL. The end of an era. The end of him.
Harvey hopes that nobody can hear his heart shatter.
Harvey sits in one of his comfy office chairs, his finger gliding over the edge of his glass of scotch, staring at nothing, when he hears someone enter his office. He doesn't turn around. He knows who it is.
"You walked out before we got a chance to celebrate," Jessica says and takes place opposite of him. Harvey just looks at the woman that made everything possible for him, who had been his friend and sometimes his enemy – but above all who had been his family when he had none – and wishes that just for a moment she would see how hurt he is inside. See behind his mask. But Harvey had learned from the best and so Jessica sees nothing.
"I´m sorry," Harvey says and he isn´t sorry at all. There is nothing to celebrate; only the broken pieces of his life lying on the ground. "It´s just been a long day."
"Harvey, how exactly did you get that termination letter from Forstman?" Maybe Harvey had erred; maybe Jessica did see behind his mask. Every trace of happiness is gone, instead she is looking at him with serious expression.
"Let´s talk about it in the morning," he evades the question. He just can´t take losing Mike and Jessica on the same evening. He just wants to keep this for one night.
"Harvey." He recognises that tone. Jessica won´t give up until she knows.
"I agreed to step down," he confesses and watches as Jessica´s face fell in confusion. Now it´s said and he hopes that Doctor Agard´s characterisation of Jessica isn´t wrong.
"Absolutely not!" Jessica exclaims and it warms Harvey´s heart that even though Mike is no longer here with him, he can still count on Jessica. But there´s no use for her outrage. He cannot be swayed anymore. "You are not going to step down."
"It´s done," Harvey says and with his tone he implores Jessica to just let it go. He doesn't want to spend their last time together fighting and screaming at each other. He had enough of that.
"Nothing´s done."
"Jessica, please," Harvey begs, "you´ve given up everything for this firm. It´s time someone gave up something for you." Maybe it´s selfish of Harvey to make this decision, but he´s done with people leaving him: his mother, Scottie, Donna and even Mike – this time it will be him who leaves before someone else does the job for him.
"What if I don´t want you to be the one to do that?" Jessica asks and her voice breaks. Harvey looks at her and sees one single tear running down her cheek. That´s as much as Jessica will allow. She is the strongest person Harvey knows; she doesn't do weakness.
"Then forgive me because I am," Harvey replied and that´s the only apology Jessica will get. They´re beyond meaningless words now.
"Good news is, Mike Ross is leaving," he can´t help but add bitterly. This will always be something he will always hold Jessica responsible for; for all the things she put Mike through. But he doesn't voice it. What use would it be now?
"I never thought I´d say this, but at this moment, that doesn't feel like good news," Jessica replied pensively and right in this moment Harvey is so grateful for that. He pours some scotch into the second glass on the table. Both of them lift their glasses and clink them.
It´s a crude, mocking gesture. There´s nothing to celebrate.
"Harvey, Harvey!" If there´s one thing Harvey can do without right now then it´s a crying Rachel Zane in his office. Before he can kick her out of his office, though, she speaks up.
"They arrested him," she sobs. "They arrested Mike."
Thousand shards of glass shatter through the air.
I watched the series finale of Suits and it was so heartbreaking. The last half of the episode I spent crying and I was still crying will I wrote this. Hope you enjoy and cry with me.