Standard disclaimers apply. Written for the DRRR kink meme, and here for archive purposes. Read at your own discretion.
.-.
This was absolutely unacceptable. Unacceptable.
Orihara Izaya paced across the window of his office, a feeling of unrest gnawing at his chest. His steps were quick, the backs of his heels scuffing against the hard floor.
He paused abruptly, and turned to face the window. The evening sun bathed the streets below in splashes of brilliant orange, and the throngs of people below moved about their daily lives as they always have.
"Are you cheating on me?" Izaya asked with a frown, brows knit.
A street light turned green, as the traffic flow of cars changed.
Putting on his best cute and hurt puppy pout, Izaya once asked again, "You're cheating on me, aren't you?"
A van that seemed to have a strangely colored door turned a corner, and then the crosswalk lights switched on. Masses of faceless people spilled onto the streets, hurrying towards various destinations.
Izaya stared, absorbing as much as he could of the thousands of human beings he loved so dearly. Ah, his beloved humanity. His one true love. The bitten apple of his eyes. His love had always stood uncontested, alone on his throne above the world. He had always been so sure that he, and he alone, was vying for humanity's hand in marriage, humanity's love.
Until now.
He leaned forward, plastering as much of his body as he could against the cool glass.
"How could you be swayed, when you are loved so much by me. The great me!" he exclaimed, voice rising. "The flawless and drop dead gorgeous me, with the fashionable fur pimp coat and manly v-neck shirt, loves you! Brilliantly genius, a master controlling all from the shadows, and armed with a switchblade so shiny even vampires in sunlight could not out sparkle. This glorious and wonderful me that loves you all so much!"
At this point, he was all but flushed and panting heavily, collapsed against no longer cool glass. Taking in a much needed breath, he paused briefly before adding in a much calmer voice, "Except Shizu-chan. I hate Shizu-chan."
Things were not fine, not fine at all, and it was all Saika's fault. How could some inanimate object even dare to challenge him in his love of human beings? How could his dear humanity dare succumb to such temptation as to declare love for even Shizu-chan of all people, just because they got nicked by some tart of a cursed blade?
"Oh humanity," Izaya continued, his voice full of emotion. "Oh humanity, how dearly I love thee. I am the sun to your east, the princess to your prince, the cake to your fat kid! Love me, love me for I love you!"
The street lights had changed once again, and cars swarmed in different directions. In the distance, the faint sound of a siren could be heard.
Izaya stayed in that position, sensually embracing the window of his office with his body as he continued to proclaim his undying love. Continued to chant, continue to question, continue to assure. With time, his trademark smirk slowly returned to his face as his eyes fluttered shut in ecstasy.
Then abruptly he stopped, eyes snapping open as he straightened himself again. Two pats to dust off his jacket, one Orihara Izaya grinned proudly to himself as he skipped back to his desk, all smiles and sunshine and devious plans.
"Daily ritual, complete~" he sang out, settling into his chair and spinning it in glee. Really, he was such a good and dedicated lover after all. How could the human beings he loved so dearly possibly fall for another, with all that he did for them? It was silly of him, doubting his own charm.
"Humanity, I love you!" he cried out before descending into laughter.
Saika didn't stand a chance.