I do not own One Piece or Star Trek
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Arrival
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"Captain's log, we continue on our survey mission with our strange new guests. The arrival of these Straw Hats is puzzling, and several of them are rather mysterious, but thus far they have appeared trustworthy and tensions have eased. Commander Riker is seeing to them now."
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"And this," demonstrated Commander Riker of the USS Enterprise-D, "is a food replicator."
"A food replicator?" the leader of this strange band, Monkey D. Luffy, asked blankly.
"Yes, you ask it for what food you want, and it'll make it for you. Like this." A moment later a steaming three course meal was made and ready to eat. "Give it a try."
Taking it up in one hand, Luffy tipped the plate over so all the food fell into his mouth. "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!" he cried out with hearts in his eyes. "Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat!"
"Uhm," Riker began.
"How long can this last?" Sanji asked, thinking of how this could prevent people from ever starving.
"Meat! Meat! Meat!" Luffy continued while Nami and Usopp helped him manipulate the food replicator controls.
"Well as long as we have power to make it function," Riker explained, glad they were not asking how it worked since that could take a while. After all, given their appearances it appeared that these people were not very technologically advanced.
"Does it carry booze?" Zoro asked with interest.
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Dr. Beverly Crusher had been working for thirty hours without a break except for going to grab more coffee. "It doesn't make any sense!" she hissed for the umpteenth time.
Before her, stretched on the examination table was a skeleton with an afro and wearing clothes. He was also visibly and loudly snoring, with a sort of bubble in one nostril.
"At least he's quiet now," an equally frazzled Nurse Ogawa griped.
When the skeleton had been asking about their panties, they had chosen to ignore him, having recognized the topic was inappropriate. Instead of taking the hint, the skeleton, whose name was Brook, had started speculating out loud that maybe they used a different word for "panties," which led him to be increasingly descriptive of what he was talking about. At length.
When they had still failed to respond, outside of medical jargon, he had started to verbally theorize that maybe women in the future no longer used panties. Mercifully, it was only after about an hour of this that his friend, Nami, dropped by to see how her friends were doing and had hit him over the head to make him stop.
(It was a deplorably uncivilized action, but Crusher could not bring herself to complain)
Then Brook had talked about music.
In the corner, adorable Chopper continued to scroll through their medical files, soaking up everything he read like a sponge. "These cybernetic implants are so cool!" he called out, making Crusher wince at the thought of Borg.
"Such practices are ill advised!" she snapped from sleep deprivation, but Chopper was too absorbed to even notice, his own personal tricorder clutched greedily in his hands.
Then the power failed.
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"Engineering! What's going on!? Report!" Picard barked as his ship inexplicably turned off, switching to emergency power.
"It's one of the Straw Hats! He's in Engineering and tinkering with the Warp Core! We can't stop him!" Commander LaForge yelled back through the comm badge.
Worf was already running to the lift to manually open it.
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"What is this!?" Picard snapped at the sight in front of him.
In place of their Warp Core was now some strange and primitive device made of metal and…was that wood!? Genuine wood!? Where'd that come from!?
"Yeah, sorry, that was SUPER rude of me," Franky apologized as he walked out from behind the contraption, "but as the Crew's shipwright I have to ensure that whatever we're sailing on is safe, and after looking up the specs that hunk of that old power source I concluded it was too dangerous. OW! Matter-Antimatter reactions, what're you guys thinking!?"
"You transported it into space!" LaForge yelled with uncharacteristic fury.
"Where it'll be safely away from us," Franky said in what was meant to be a reassuring tone. "My new cola engine will function just as good, but without all that risk of it blowing up on you."
And with that the lights came back on.
"Captain," Data spoke up from a nearby console, "power is restored and…" the android cut off whatever he was about to say to start typing some more.
"Yes, Commander Data, and what?" Picard ground out, failing to recognize his subordinates uncharacteristic behaviour.
"Power levels operating currently at 120%, sir," the stupefied android finished.
"SUPER!" the speedo-man boomed, slamming his arms together with a metallic noise. "Ow! What'd I tell yah!?"
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The food replicator on Ten Forward was now off-limits, with no-one daring to approach Luffy as he stuffed another plateful of food down his gullet, belatedly spitting the plate back out as an afterthought. Everyone was also deliberately overlooking how comically fat he was becoming, defying accepted laws of physics and biology in the process.
"But—?" one crewman began.
"If we don't see it, if we don't acknowledge it, then we don't have to go through what the doc or the engineering department are going through right now," his friend interrupted, gulping back his Synthehol.
A little ways away from the food replicator, an intense conversation was underway.
"No, we don't cook real animals anymore," Riker explained. "We prefer a more civilized approach, using just food replicators."
Sanji slowly took out a cigarette and put it unlit into his mouth. He had learned the hard way what would happen if he started a fire, but he needed the soothing feeling this would give. "You people are barbarians and you don't even know it." He overrode Riker as the savage tried to speak. "Even when you do bake, you use this shortcut to create it. Instead of art, you claim that your crude copies are somehow passable substitutes, but really you are corrupting the tastes of countless people and raising them in deprivation! Words can't describe—!"
Usopp paused in regaling Guinan, the bar lady, with tales of his exploits to see what the fuss was about, but then just shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the pleasant lady. "Sorry about that, Sanji takes his job as chef seriously."
"So you and your friends do notice a difference?" Guinan asked. "Between natural and replicated food I mean."
"Not me, but Sanji and Luffy do, and probably Robin."
"But your Captain keeps gobbling the meat down," she pointed out with puzzlement.
"Yeah, but he says it's not as good as Sanji's." The long-nosed man shrugged, "But there's so much of it he's happy."
Then an iron hand grabbed the back of Usopp's shirt, pulled him off of his stool, and started dragging him towards the door. "Hey Zoro!" he cried out in recognition, "What's the big deal?"
"The Idiot Cook's right!" the swordsman growled, and Usopp froze up at the words as his subconscious processed the subtle harmonics in those words. Zoro only ever seemed to agree with Sanji during life-and-death crises, and there was anger in his voice. And the man was too laid back for there to be many things to put him on edge.
"Have you tried what they call booze here!?" Nope, never mind, nothing serious.
"So what d'you want me to do about it!?" Usopp snapped, annoyed at the man for nearly causing a heart attack.
"Make a distillery!" At that Usopp grabbed onto the counter before they actually left Ten Forward. It was a symbolic gesture since Zoro hilariously outmuscled him, but the swordsman still stopped. "But I don't know where to start!"
"Figure it out!"
While Usopp was preening at the acknowledgment of his chemistry skills, Guinina came up towards them from her side of the bar. "You really don't like what we've got here? Synthehol not good enough for you?"
"Unless you've got a real drink squared away," Zoro hissed.
She looked at him impassively for a moment, and then leaned over and pulled out a particular bottle. "This is what Worf drinks, he calls it a 'Warrior's drink' even." She poured a glass and handed it over. Even from where he stood Usopp could smell it and knew what would happen if Zoro drank it.
Not rising to the bait, Zoro just smirked and turned to yell at Sanji, "Hey Cook! Got a real man's drink for you here! Bet you can't take it!"
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Nami was staring in disbelief at what was in the replicator: gold.
This machine could make gold.
In a way that had only appeared casual, Robin had informed her of how in her readings it had been mentioned that "less developed" species had a fascination with gold for some reason, which implied that it was not valuable to these people.
Unfortunately for herself, or maybe not, Nami was brilliant. She was a certified genius, a prodigy. It took her only a few seconds to determine why: gold was useless as a currency if it was so readily acquired.
She was stuck in a world –No, galaxy, she corrected herself— where gold was useless.
This was hell.
I could make as much gold as I want, enough to make an island of gold, but if I brought it all back home, it might actually devalue it and crash the economy!
Oh sure, she could try doing that deliberately, saturate the market and ruin the World Government's economy, as well as the livelihood of rival pirates, while she quickly used the gold to buy up goods of alternative value before the collapse happened. But that would make my dream of swimming in gold coins as cheap as doing it with copper coins! she silently wailed to herself as she cried bitter tears.
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Luffy had just discovered the marvel of non-human foods, and was now experimenting with some Andorian cuisine, with the remnants of Tellarite and Vulcan dishes to the side. The display kept trying to tell him something in bright red script, but he could not understand the big words so he just ignored them.
"I'm telling you!" the same crewmember from before whispered in horror. "Some of those dishes are toxic to humans!"
"If he's not dead, then they're not poisonous," his companion dismissed, reaching for another glass of Synthehol, while ordering another from the bar as he did so.
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"And then what happened?" Picard asked calmly, ever so calmly.
"And then I handed the drink to Brook," Sanji answered indifferently. "Didn't think he'd actually drink all that prune juice though."
The skeleton in question had been on break from Dr. Crusher's studies, and had been so thirsty he had happily swallowed the drink whole.
A few minutes later the bridge and security had received reports of a crazed skeleton running back and forth all over the Enterprise, screaming about how he needed a bathroom or else he would make a horrible mess. To compound the surrealism, Brook had been unable to recognize the futuristic public washrooms for what they were, and had kept running past them no matter how many times the traumatized crewmembers tried to point them out.
Fifteen crewmembers were asking to see Counselor Troi right now over the terror they had experienced, seeing that nightmare running right at them; howling away while flailing his arms and legs.
"Wonder what would happen if Luffy had some?" Usopp wondered with a sinister smirk before Zoro gently rapped him on the head in admonishment.
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Geordi LaForge looked like he was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and Data's normally impeccable uniform was rumpled and had obviously been worn for several day's straight as he continued to go over the new…engine. "It doesn't make any sense!" the Chief Engineer all but screamed. "It's cola! We've got the chemical breakdown of it all mapped out! How could it possibly do all this!?"
"Maybe you just need a rest," Riker suggested. "Come back at it after a good night's sleep."
"Data doesn't sleep and he's as messed up about it as I am!" Geordi snapped, gesturing at the android in question.
They both paused, expecting their friend to say something as he interpreted "messed up" too literally, but after a moment they just turned to stare at Data still furiously working away, obviously too absorbed with his task.
"Okay, maybe we should both take a break," LaForge admitted, a little freaked out by his friend's abnormal behaviour.
"OW! Of course! You should never do this kind of work when you're tired if you can help it!" a loud voice lectured.
"What the!? What're you doing here! You were locked up!" Riker barked, since they could hardly let a man who had blatantly ripped out one of the ship's most vital components roam about freely. Strangely, none of the other guests had reacted. Now they had an idea why.
"Sorry, but I'm too SUUUPER for that!" Franky boomed while posing with his linked arms above his head again, proudly strutting his speedo.
Why, why oh why can't they be like that Robin woman!? She doesn't cause any trouble. She just sits back and reads, even talks to Captain Picard a lot about archaeology.
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Robin smiled to herself as she flicked her way through the book while reading in Ten Forward. This computerized form was definitely missing something that she liked in real books, although she couldn't put her finger on it, but she conceded that storage was far more convenient when it was in this format. Not that she was smiling about that though, seeing the aggravation the engineers were suffering –via her cloned 'eyes'— made up for their crime of imprisoning Franky. They were just lucky that her crew knew she could casually free the man, or else…something might happen. The Starfleet crewmembers on board actually still thought Luffy was just a child.
Speaking of… she glanced over at her Captain and saw that he had reverted to recognizable human dishes after a mishap with a Ferengi meal. How did he program it to give out such large hunks of meat though? she wondered before smiling and getting back to her reading. Just Luffy being Luffy.
Honestly, it was just as well for now that Luffy was so busy eating, since that meant no one had realized that his garbled words were: "I'm going to be King of the Pirates!" The longer Starfleet took to translate that, and realized they were harbouring pirates, the better.
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"So what do we know about our guests?" Picard asked as he looked around at his assembled officers, sans Dr. Crusher and Chief Engineer LaForge. Both were heavily absorbed with their own tasks and refused to leave their stations.
"We know from our Tricorder scans that they're human. Mostly. Probably," Riker amended. "At least that's what Crusher said before she started examining the skeleton. She still hasn't gotten to the one who identifies as both a human and as a reindeer."
"Counselor Troi, have you made any progress on your psyche profiles?" Picard calmly asked, despite knowing the Betazoid's empathy could sense his frustration.
"No, Captain," she actually groaned, eliciting emotions of surprise from her fellow officers in the briefing room.
"Why not?"
"My attempts to interview their Captain have met with failures because he is more interested in stuffing himself, and while he's answering my questions he refuses to talk with his mouth empty since that would interfere with his eating," she deadpanned, "and when he's full he falls asleep."
The Counselor took a deep breath and then continued in a more calm and serious manner. "He shows signs of hyperactivity, short attention span, and impulsive decisions, yet for reasons unknown, the others still seem to defer to him. His fascination with food and the aggressive and anti-social manner in which he defends his claim over Ten Forward's food replicator, except with people he explicitly trusts, indicates a deprived childhood and the need to fight for whatever his next meal was to be."
"You speculate that his obsession with food is related to a childhood where it was scarce, and he was potentially surrounded by threats, necessitating he constantly be on guard while eating whenever he can?" Data theorized.
"Yes," Deanna agreed, looking at the android in surprise, and then speculation, "You've seen other evidence to support this."
"Despite their lack of aggression towards us, some of them have shown signs of being used to violence, or at least expecting it, indicating that wherever they are from, they are constantly facing danger."
"The man with the swords and the other with his strange martial arts are definitely warriors," Worf firmly asserted. Turning to the counselor, "What have you learned of the others?"
"Uhm, nothing," she fidgeted.
"Counselor," Picard asked with careful patience, hoping that was the most she sensed from him, "why is that?"
"It's because of Sanji," she snapped in frustration. "I can feel his thoughts from across the ship! I've been around men who've desired me before," shooting Riker a look that he knew he did not deserve, that she was only venting, yet that in-itself was highly unusual, "but never like this! The sheer undulated lust he feels for every woman he meets! It's appalling!"
The door to the conference room swished open, "Did a lady say my name!?" the man in question cried out, his face blushing.
"Get out!" Troi yelled.
"As you wish madam!"
"Why oh why did I mention that I could sense his feelings for me," she moaned into her arms.
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"It doesn't make sense! He's a skeleton!" Dr. Beverly Crusher cried as she grabbed Zoro's drink out of his hand to chug back another glass. Accepting she was just trying to drown her sorrows, the swordsman took it good naturedly and just leaned over to get another drink from Usopp's patented distillery. Geordi LaForge was already long passed out from the high-proof alcohol.
From the doorway a gaping Picard struggled to find words.
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"Priceless," the grinning and self-proclaimed all-powerful Q gloated from outside in space where he was lounging in a chair that was just hanging in nothing. "Now this is entertainment!"
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Author Notes:
General ignoring of the Prime Directive here, but obeying that would stop the humor from the start. Oh, and I know there is supposed to be a stardate at the beginning of Picard's log, but I am not picking a specific date for a crackfic.
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Next chapter: "Lwaxana Troi"!
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Please Review and I will get back to you!