this is the first angsty story I've done. It will probably end up being under ten chapters. WARNING there are mentions of self harm and drug abuse. Please review and let me know what you think

i don't own criminal minds

Reid's hands shook as he stood over the small sink in his cramped bathroom. He stared down at his bloodied knuckles in shock and let his eyes wonder up to the now cracked mirror. What the hell was happening to him? A loud knocking at his front door interrupted his thoughts. Reid quickly rinsed the blood off his hands before he went to open the door.

"Hotch?" He said when he saw the Unit Chief standing at his door. "Is something wrong?"

Hotch gave the younger agent a worried look. "I was just about to ask you the same thing."

"What do you mean?" Reid asked.

Hotch frowned, "You called me less than two minutes ago. You weren't making any sense."

Reid shook his head, "it must have been a mistake." He could tell Hotch wasn't buying his lame excuse.

"Can I use your bathroom?" Hotch asked.

"Um no," Reid answered. He didn't want Hotch to see the mirror and the blood. He was also pretty sure he had left a couple of empty syringes in the bathroom trash. "It doesn't work."

"It doesn't work?" Hotch repeated.

"Yep," Reid nodded. He figured if he acted confident enough then Hotch would have no choice but to believe him.

"Reid-"

"Actually Hotch I was just about to take a nap. I'm really tired and the last case wore me out," Reid rambled out excuses.

"Okay," Hotch frowned again. "While I'm here, JJ wanted to know if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight."

"I don't know," Reid answered. "Maybe another time."

"Reid she's worried about you," Hotch persuaded. "And I'm sure the boys would love to see you again."

"What time is dinner?" Reid asked. Even if he argued his way out of dinner he would feel guilty about it later.

"Six," Hotch answered before leaving with a hesitant nod. As he was walking down the stairs of Reid's building he dialed his wife's phone number.

JJ answered after one ring. "So how'd it go?" She asked.

"He denied even calling me," Hotch answered. "He wouldn't let me in either."

"Aaron I'm worried," JJ said.

"I know I am too," he replied. "But I convinced him to come for dinner."

"Do you think he'll talk to us then?" JJ asked, the worry etched in her voice.

"I think it's worth a try," her husband said. "Maybe this time you should try talking to him."

"Okay I'll try," JJ responded.

"I'll be home in a few minutes," Hotch said. "We can talk more when I get there."

Back inside his apartment Reid had once again locked himself inside his bathroom. He was hunched over the toilet as another wave if nausea hit him. He reached for another syringe but was dismayed to not see one.

Reid stormed out of the bathroom into his bedroom. He pulled his nightstand drawer out and began frantically searching. When he couldn't find what he was looking for Reid threw the drawer and it's contents at the wall. He had just bought a new stash how could he already be out? The pain was building inside him he had to find a release.

Back in the bathroom Reid pulled his razor out. It wasn't his choice was to relive the pain, but it was better than nothing.

Reid pulled into the Hotchner's driveway at 5:58. He opened his bag to double check that he still had his stash of Dilauded that he had just picked up. Satisfied, Reid stuffed the bag under his seat on the off chance Hotch searched him on his way in the door.

JJ had watched him pull into the driveway, so she already had the front door opened by the time Reid made it up the crosswalk. "Hey Spence," she said as she pulled him into a tight hug which Reid hesitantly returned. "I've missed you," she said.

"JJ you saw me yesterday at work," Reid said.

"Yeah I saw you," she replied. "But you never hang out with us anymore."

"I've just been busy," Reid shrugged as he followed her in the house.

"Uncle Spence!" Reid was greeted by a noticeably taller Henry as he came barreling down the stairs. "I was so excited when mommy said you were coming for dinner. Do you have any new magic?"

"Sorry Henry," Reid said. "No new magic, but I might have a couple old tricks you haven't seen in a while."

"Henry why don't you go wash up and call Jack for dinner?" JJ asked. "Spence you can come in the kitchen if you like," she said when he saw he was still awkwardly standing in the doorway.

"Right," Reid nodded. "He's gotten so big."

"I know it's crazy," JJ replied. "But you should see Jack he's almost as tall as me." She moved around the kitchen so full of energy it was almost fascinating to Reid.

Reid's eyes widened, "I guess it has been a while."

"Why is that Spence?" JJ asked. She was now standing in front of him with her hand resting on her hip.

"I guess we're all just at different places in out lives," Reid answered.

"That's not true," JJ said quietly. "I feel like your avoiding us. Not just us but the whole team."

"I'm not," Reid snapped. "I'm here aren't I?"

Hotch cleared his throat from the doorway causing Reid to jump, something that did not go unnoticed by the other profilers. "Jayje do you need any help in here?"

"No," JJ answered. "Just make sure the boys are at the table and not off playing video games. Once they're here we can eat."

Dinner was an awkward affair for all involved, the only one who didn't seem to notice the underlying tension was Henry who seemingly incessantly babbled about his day. Normally Reid never minded his godson's chatter, but tonight it was starting to unnerve him. Another thing, that did not go unnoticed by Hotch. He and JJ seemed to be having conversations with their eyes, and Reid knew they were about him. "Uh can I uh use your bathroom?" Reid stammered out. He knew they were close to discovering his secret. Both Hotch and JJ were the only ones who knew he was using the first time.

"Yes," Hotch answered, locking his eyes before again silently communicating with JJ.

Reid stumbled down the hallway into the small bathroom. Reid glanced at himself in the mirror and silently prayed he didn't look like that when he first arrived. He looked like hell. His hair looked like it needed a good brush and wash, his skin was pale, and his eyes were slightly bloodshot. Reid's hands were shaking slightly, so he splashed some cold water on his face in an effort to calm himself.

A few minutes later, Reid exited the bathroom to find only Hotch ad JJ sitting at the table. "Where did Jack and Henry go?"

"They were done eating," JJ answered curtly.

"Oh," Reid said. He knew that they were going to ask what was going on, and in his head Reid began listing possible excuses for his behavior.

"Spence what's really going on?" JJ asked.

"I don't know what you mean," Reid answered.

"It's just you don't really seem yourself," she elaborated.

"I feel fine," Reid insisted.

JJ sighed, "with everything that's happened we-"

"You know Jennifer you don't know everything! I've said I'm fine," Reid snapped.

With that Hotch sprung from his chair, gruffly grabbed Reid's right arm, but not enough to hurt him, and pulled up his sleeve. JJ covered her mouth with her hand at the sight in front of them. His arm was covered in several obvious self inflicted cuts and bruises, not to mention the track marks from where he had injected himself with the Dilauded.

"It's not what you think," Reid muttered. His eyes were down, he couldn't bare to meet Hotch's gaze where the original anger and turned to worry.

"Reid let us help you," Hotch croaked. "Please."