Hey, guys. I know, awesome title. This is just a really weird idea I had. It may be confusing to read, and if it is, I'll find another way to write it.

As an SFPD detective and a federal agent with the FBI, Mal Fallon and Natara Williams thought they had seen it all.

Mal looked up from his desk. "Who said that?"

Me.

Mal scowled. "Well, that's helpful."

Natara sighed. "Mal, it's probably just Kai playing some practical joke."

Nope. Kai's in the crime lab doing normal stuff. I'm the narrator of your fanfic. My name is The Sarcastic Polar Bear and it's an honor to meet you. If you don't believe me, I'll poof you into the crime lab and you can see for yourselves that I'm telling the truth.

"Sure," Mal scoffed. Before he could continue, he found himself standing in the crime lab. "Well, uh… that's creepy…"

"Yup," Natara agreed.

Kai sat at the desk, playing the Sims on one of the lab computers. "C'mon! Grr! I burn and break things even in the Sims! No fair!"

In my Maltara Sims family, you randomly walked outside and stood outside the window while Mal and Natara were in their underwear.

Kai jumped from his seat. "Ghost!"

How many times do I need to say this? I am the narrator of this story! Now you can all be good little characters and do as I say, or you can be rebellious and not follow my awesome storyline.

"Hold it. What kind of storyline?"

I don't know yet. But I'm not the only one who writes about you guys. Tons of people write fanfics about Maltara! It's so cool! GET IT ON.

Mal nudged Natara. "Don't you think this would be a good time to use those profiling powers of yours?"

I heard that. Remember, I'm in charge! FEEL MY WRATH! Okay, I can't really hurt you guys because you're too awesome, but… OSCAR CAN FEEL MY WRATH! MWHAHAHAHA!

The lights in the lab flickered ominously for several long seconds before finally staying on.

Sorry, guys. I had a moment there. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, I was invading the crime lab and trying to explain that I'm the narrator and what I say goes.

"Really? Because for a moment, I thought that we were in charge."

Natara gave Mal a look. "Mal! Are you trying to provoke her? She's clearly a different person…"

Yeah, I get that a lot. I guess normal people aren't too lazy to be lazy. Does that make sense? Most people don't think so. But I'm really lazy, so I think it does. Or maybe I don't. Wait, does that make sense? Or am I just too weird? Do I talk too much? My best friend says she gets scared when I'm quiet because it makes her think I'm plotting something. Sometimes I talk on and on, then I get super quiet for a long time. Hey, one time, my friend-

Kai seemed to be the only one paying attention to the ramble. The mysterious voice didn't seem to notice as she moved from one subject to another. She spent a solid ten minutes discussing the types of pudding she liked before recalling a tale of the time she threw gummy bears off of a hotel balcony and little kids fought over them.

"That's so awesome!" Kai exclaimed excitedly. "They really fought over them?"

Yeah! This kid kept yelling, "Mom! There are gummy bears all over the place!" Then his brother yelled, "YOU HAVE MORE THAN ME!" So they started yelling at each other!

"Ha!" Kai laughed. "It would have been awesome if they went all ninja and attacked each other!"

I know! I would have fallen off the balcony laughing! Oh yeah, and one time, I was at my best friend's house, and I walked into their screen door and it completely fell out of its frame and landed on the ground!

"That is totally something I would do!" Kai gasped. "What did your friend do?"

She laughed at me for walking into a door and made me fix it. I'm not a door fix it person, so it was a hard task. Oh yeah, and one other time, we-

Mal let out a cross breath and tried to open the door. "Hey, why is it locked?"

Oh, yeah. It won't open until I continue the storyline. I'll do that as soon as I tell Kai about the time I went ding dong ditching on Halloween and the lady came outside to look for us!

"Now," Mal grouched.

Fine. I'll tell my awesome stories later. I guess I could continue the plot, or lack of plot. To the woods!

"The woods…?" Natara asked.

"Hey! We were having a conversation!" Kai complained. "I like this narrator!"

I know. We'll get back to our chat later. I've got a story to write.

There was a strange sound, followed by a cloud. When it cleared away, Mal realized that they stood in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by trees. "Hey, isn't this the place we came to find the guy who killed Uncle Lenny?"

Sure is! You guys cuddled inside a hollowed out tree. And Mal shot a rabbit for dinner. And an owl made Mal panic. Remember?

"How do you know that?"

I'm the narrator, remember? The narrator knows everything about you two. I even know that Natara is engaged to Oscar, but I'll take care of that unfortunate situation right now! Just crawl inside that same tree and cuddle for the time being.

"I'd rather just go home and-"

I said cuddle. Don't make me use my narrator authority to make you! Okay, I'll use it anyway because it's cute when you guys cuddle.

Natara turned to look at Mal, but as soon as she opened her mouth, they were sitting inside the hollow tree. "Maybe we can find a way out of this while she's gone."

You guys better be cuddling when I get back. I have important matters to deal with. Oh, I'm off to do some damage! Some wonderful damage to Oscar!

And then the voice was gone.

Okay, is it confusing? Since I'm a narrator and not exactly a character, the things I say wouldn't necessarily be placed in quotation marks. If you want, I can put it in italics so that way you can tell it apart from the other words and stuff. I don't wanna confuse you!