Eat Your Spinach, a torchwood fanfic

Eat Your Spinach by the darkness revealed

Summary: The team runs into a problem when Ianto decides it's time to start eating healthy.

Disclaimer: The day I own Torchwood is the day I eat yoghurt. Basically, it's never going to happen.

A/N: I never thought I'd write for Torchwood again. But then in June last year, I got bitten by a plot bunny that latched onto my brain and refused to let me go until I had written it. Almost exactly a year later, and here you have it: my Torchwood story. I hope you enjoy!

Thanks to my wonderfully amazing and helpful beta, SlyStrukk!

"Ok, that's it!" Ianto set his plate down with a thump and sat back, folding his arms across his chest.

The others stared at him in surprise.

"Um…Ianto?" Gwen asked cautiously. "What's wrong?"

"You want to know what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong." Ianto glared down at the plate sitting on the table before him, with his half-eaten pizza slice lying limply on it. "I'm sick of this absolute junk we call food!"

His outburst was met with a thick silence as the others digested his words.

"But, Ianto," Owen said, dumbfounded, "This is pizza. Everyone loves pizza."

"Not if they've been having it for three years straight!" Ianto snapped. He got up and stalked towards the door, stopping right before it to face the others. "Every single day, all we eat is unhealthy, fattening fast food. It's time for some change!" He looked at them, face full of fierce intent. "It's time Torchwood learnt what a vegetable is!" He whirled around and stomped out the door, leaving behind a stunned silence.

"Oh, dear," Tosh murmured. "The lack of sleep must be getting to him."

"Keep your boyfriend under control, Harkness!" Owen ordered. "He's going to ruin my life!" He resumed devouring his pizza, gobbling down the oily slice ravenously.

"Leave Ianto alone," Jack said through the half-chewed wad of pizza in his mouth. "He's just a bit stressed, and he hasn't been sleeping much lately either. He's been rather-" he smirked, "-occupied at night and hasn't been able to get much rest. This is just his way of letting it out. Don't take him seriously. It'll blow over soon and everything will go back to normal."

But time soon proved Jack wrong.

Ianto didn't let the issue go, quite to the contrary; he refused to order food anymore for the team, forcing them to actually pick up the phone and call the place themselves-something they hadn't done since Ianto joined the team. And then, to make his point clearer, he would sit hunched over his homemade salad, and glare at them fiercely as they munched on their freshly-delivered food.

At first, it didn't bother them. C'mon, who would trade pizza for the plain salads Ianto was eating? But then Ianto started bringing real food—home-cooked lasagna and soups, vegetables with dips, elaborate pasta salads, freshly baked buns, and gorgeous pies and tarts. Ianto was a good cook and all the food looked amazing; pizza and noodles looked laughable compared to his mouth-watering dishes.

Ianto must've been able to tell what they were thinking, because somehow, his Tupperware containers started getting bigger and the amounts of food he brought in increased rather dramatically. Within a week, the team hadn't phoned their usual restaurants in days and was now relying solely on Ianto's cooking for sustenance.

"Pass another cookie," Owen called down the table, greedily eyeing the plate piled high with chocolate-chip cookies that had been placed near Jack. In response, Jack stuck out his tongue—causing the others to grimace in disgust at the half-chewed wad of cookie in his mouth—and pulled the plate closer.

"My cookies," he snarled, spitting crumbs with every word.

"For goodness' sake!" Ianto snapped, fed up with the fighting. "It's not as if I starve you!"

"Take it as a compliment," Owen advised, sending a steely glare down the table to Jack. "All this fighting just shows how much we love your cooking."

Ianto rolled his eyes, yet looked mollified. Quickly, he snatched the plate of cookies away from Jack and placed it near Owen. "There," he said. "Eat it and be quiet."

"Sweetie," Gwen smiled, "Thank you for this."

Ianto looked faintly surprised. "Why are you thanking me?"

Now it was Gwen's turn to look surprised. "You cook enough food for five starving people every day, and still manage to make enough coffee to fuel an army and you do all the paperwork and cleaning. Of course you deserve a thank you!"

Ianto blushed. "Well, when you put it that way…" He glanced around the table, taking in the sight of his colleagues stuffing their faces with his cooking. "It's my pleasure to cook for you," he said. "Everything I do is for your benefit. Remember that." He smiled.

And if the others thought his smile seemed suspiciously bright, they didn't mention it.

A week later, Ianto only brought in a salad-no dessert. Owen grumped and Jack looked dismayed, but otherwise they took it well. After all, it must have been an accident—Ianto would never purposely deprive them of dessert, right?

After this happened 3 days in a row, the team began to suspect something. And when Ianto brought in a spinach salad for lunch, that's when they knew he was really serious about eating healthy.

"What the heck is this?" Owen yelled, pointing at the Tupperware container filled with green leaves and other vegetables.

"That, Owen, is a salad. It is also your lunch," replied Ianto, "And you are going to eat it."

"No way am I eating that!" Owen spat. 'That cabbage salad you brought in was bad enough, but this? I'm not eating that!"

The others nodded their agreement; Jack was looking especially adamant as he could see no sign of a cake or cookies to make up for this offense.

"Oh, really!" Ianto drew himself up to his full 6 feet and glared down his nose at the others, who were seated at the table. "Fine, then. Just don't expect any coffee for at least a month." He turned to go.

The others glanced at each other, horrified by the notion of no coffee. However, they could tell that Ianto was serious; he had a stubborn streak in him and would stick out with his threat till the end, no matter how much any of them moaned.

"Wait!" Gwen cried.

Ianto slowly turned to face them. 'What?"

"We'll eat it," Jack said grudgingly.

Ianto flashed a quick grin of triumph; he had known his threat of no coffee would work. "Good."

He returned to the table and doled out sizeable portions of the salad onto the team's plates. Owen stared in disbelief at the mountain of greens in front of him, but nevertheless picked up his fork and started trying to make a dent in it.

"And I want to see you eat all of your spinach," Ianto instructed them. "It's good for you and it'll put some colour in your cheeks."

"But I don't want to have green cheeks," Owen muttered rebelliously. He stiffened as Ianto's cold glare fell on him and immediately returned to picking at his salad.

"And if you eat all of your food," Ianto smiled, "You get some dessert" He pulled out a container of coffee cake. "I thought maybe you deserved a treat."

The cake mollified the team somewhat, but they knew something must be done. Ianto had to be stopped!

With lunch finished, Ianto cleared up the table and left. The team waited till he was out of earshot and immediately burst into simultaneous furious whispers.

"Jack!" Owen whined. "Your boyfriend is insane!"

"Please, love," Gwen entreated. "If I don't eat actual food, I'll fade away into nothing!"

"I agree," Tosh said. "I mean, I do like salads, yes, but as a side dish, not the main meal!"

"I am NOT eating spinach every day," Owen growled. "It tastes horrible!"

Jack waited in silence for their complaints to be over, and then nodded. "So it's decided. We have to find a way to convince Ianto to stop giving us vegetables."

The others nodded solemnly.

"Great," Jack said. He quietly tiptoed to the door and peeked out. "The coast seems clear," he said, sitting back down, "We should get back to work, otherwise Ianto will get suspicious. I'll send out an e-mail with details of our next meeting, so keep an eye out." He straightened his shirt. "Act normal, ok?" So said, he strolled out the door and entered his office, whistling a cheery tune.

Making their way back to their stations, Gwen, Tosh, and Owen flashed each other secretive smirks and immediately began work.

The rest of the day passed in relative silence; there were no weevil or rift alerts and Ianto had managed to coerce them into finishing their paperwork, so the only sounds in the Hub were the squeaks of their chairs and Myfanwy's shrieks.

Five o'clock arrived and the Hub slowly cleared, leaving Jack and Ianto alone. After a quiet dinner and a DVD, they retired to bed, where Jack proceeded to thoroughly wear Ianto out.

A few hours later, Jack pulled himself away from Ianto's sleeping body and slipped on a pair of boxers. Quietly, he climbed up the ladder and emerged into his office. He gently shut the manhole and sat at his desk. Picking up his phone, he conference-called Tosh, Owen, and Gwen and waited.

He started as the line was picked up.

"Hello?" came Tosh's sleepy voice.

"Mmm?" mumbled Gwen.

"Whaddayawant?" groaned Owen.

Jack grinned. "Hey, guys," he whispered.

"Jack?" Gwen asked in disbelief. "It's one in the morning!"

Jack hushed her hurriedly. "Ianto's asleep," he murmured, "and I thought this would be the perfect time to have a meeting."

"He's asleep already?" Jack could hear Owen's smirk, even through the phone. "Wow. You must have worn him out."

"I did my bit for the team," Jack grinned.

Owen laughed. "Yeah, like it was such a sacrifice for you."

"Moving on," Jack said. "Let the first meeting of the Pizza Knights begin!"

His statement was greeted with silence.

"Pizza Knights?" Tosh repeated, voice heavy with skepticism.

"Yeah!" Jack grinned. "Isn't it cute? I came up with it myself."

"If you think I'm going to be called a Pizza Knight, then you've really cracked," Owen said flatly.

"Owen," Jack said calmly, "Who's the boss around here?"

"You," Owen said.

"And who gives you your paychecks?" Jack continued.

"You," Owen said grudgingly.

"Enough said," Jack said smugly. "Pizza Knights it is!"

"Can we hurry this up, Jack?" Gwen whispered frantically. "If Rhys wakes up, he'll be really annoyed!"

"Right, sorry!" Jack mumbled. His tone became serious. "So, any ideas?"

"Well, I was wondering if maybe we could make a petition," Gwen mused. "We could go around asking random people to sign it."

"Yeah, maybe a thousand signatures will convince Ianto to stop," Jack agreed.

"The Teaboy is a sucker for official documents," Owen mulled. "That might actually work."

Tosh sighed. "Am I the only one who sees the problem here? We can't just go around asking strangers to sign a petition to get our colleague to stop giving us healthy food! We'd sound mad! Nobody would take us seriously."

"Oh…" said Jack, crestfallen. "Right. Good point."

"Does anyone have any other ideas that aren't completely ridiculous?" Tosh asked.

"Um…I could seduce Ianto," Jack offered.

Gwen tried to bite back a giggle and Owen snickered, while Tosh maintained a stony silence.

"What?" Jack asked, obviously bemused. "What's wrong?"

"Um…nothing," Gwen said, letting out a strangled snort. "Thanks for the idea, Jack. We'll keep it in mind."

There was a slight pause, in which Rhys' sleepy voice was heard, mumbling, "Mmm…Gwen?"

"Yes, love, I'm here. Go back to sleep," Gwen murmured.

There were a few moments of silence, and then Gwen's voice came.

"Sorry, guys, I have to go," she said. "I don't want Rhys waking up again."

"No problem, Gwen," Jack replied. He heard the bed creaking below him; Ianto must be getting restless. "I've got to go, too. Ianto's shifting about a bit. See you tomorrow!"

"Goodnight," Tosh said.

"Yeah, 'night," Owen grunted.

"This is stupid," Tosh moaned. She was standing next to Owen in the Plas and watching Gwen, who was walking amongst the crowd, clutching a petition. "I can't believe we are actually asking people to sign a petition!"

"Don't worry," Owen said. "We have a plan."

"What is it?" Tosh asked, dreading the answer.

"We aren't going to tell the people that it's really for," Owen said. "We'll make them think it's for some random cause and they'll sign it right away!"

Tosh groaned. "Please kill me now."

In silence, they watched Gwen go up to a woman laden with shopping bags and start talking. Tosh couldn't hear anything through the noise of the plaza but she managed to catch the words 'corruption' and 'young innocent minds', which gave her the gist of Gwen's spiel.

"Won't Ianto notice that we're not at work?" she asked Owen. "We're already an hour late."

Owen smirked. "Don't worry," he replied. "Jack's distracting him."

Back at the Hub, Jack pressed Ianto against the wall and started kissing his neck.

"Jack," Ianto said, panting, "What about the others?"

"Don't worry," Jack replied between kisses, "I told them to take the morning off. They won't be in till at least 12:00."

"Well, in that case," Ianto said, pulling Jack closer towards him.

In the plaza, things were going well. Due to Gwen's convincing speech and glistening doe eyes, they'd gathered a respectable amount of signatures.

"This is great, guys!" Gwen beamed. "We already have 50 signatures!"

"We're due back in the Hub in two hours," Owen reported. "We'll definitely have enough signatures by then. Gwen, back to work!"

Gwen nodded determinedly and made to go back amongst the crowd.

"Wait!" Tosh cried.

Gwen and Owen paused and stared at her. "What?" They asked.

"We have plenty of time," Tosh told them. "Why not go get something to eat? Ianto would never find out."

Owen grinned. "Tosh, you're brilliant."

At precisely 12:18, the Hub door alarms blared, signalling the arrival of Owen, Gwen, and Tosh. They snuck in, carefully looking around for Ianto, who was thankfully nowhere to be seen.

"C'mon," Owen hissed. "Let's get the petition to Jack!"

Gwen nodded and did her best to quietly creep towards Jack's office. Unfortunately, she was cut off by Ianto, who was just leaving the office.

"Oh, hello Gwen," he said in surprise, noticing her standing there.

Gwen cursed silently and hid the petition from view, then quickly stuck on a cheery smile. "Good afternoon, Ianto. Is Jack busy?"

"No," Ianto said. "Why?"

"Oh, I just need to discuss something with him," Gwen said airily. "I'll head right on in." She strode past Ianto and into the office.

Jack was sitting at his desk, idly tapping a pen with a satisfied smirk on his face. He jumped up when he saw Gwen and immediately came forward. "Well?" he asked anxiously.

Gwen's face split into a big grin. "One thousand signatures!"

Jack let out a whoop and drew Gwen into a quick hug. "Awesome!"

"When do you think we should we confront him?" Gwen asked.

"Lunchtime," Jack said decisively, "before we have to eat anything he gives us."

"Good thinking," Gwen approved.

The door opened and Ianto stuck his head. "Sorry for interrupting but it's time for lunch."

"Thanks, Ianto," Jack smiled. "We'll be right out."

Ianto nodded and withdrew.

In the conference room, Jack and Gwen seated themselves near Owen and Tosh who were already sitting. Ianto was bustling about, placing forks, plates, and napkins on the table and setting out a huge container of Tupperware.

Gwen looked at Jack, who nodded at her encouragingly. "Go on," he whispered. "Tell him!"

Nervously, Gwen cleared her throat. "Um, Ianto?" she said hesitantly.

"Yes?" Ianto replied, busy with placing steaming mugs of coffee by each person.

"Well, I need…I mean, we need to talk to you about something really import-" She broke off with a gasp and watched with wide eyes as the coffee Ianto had just accidentally knocked over spilled over the petition.

"Oh my gosh, Gwen, I'm so sorry!" Ianto instantly was full of apologies, remorse written all over his face. "Was it important?"

Gwen could only stare as the coffee slowly covered the paper, silently agonizing as each precious signature was lost forever.

"Gwen?" Ianto repeated tentatively. "Was it important?"

Dazedly, Gwen shook her head. "No, it's fine. It was just…" She trailed off, exchanging stricken looks with Owen and Tosh. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it."

Ianto gave her a doubtful look.

"Really," Gwen insisted. "It was nothing important."

Still looking doubtful, Ianto left to make a replacement cup of coffee. As soon as he was out of earshot, Jack moaned, "Oh no!"

"There goes any hope of ever eating normal food here again," Owen said morosely.

"I'm sorry," Gwen said, looking on the verge of tears.

"It's not your fault, don't worry," Jack soothed.

"Cheer up, guys," Tosh said. "We'll just think of another plan."

"Oh yeah?" Owen snapped. "Like what, exactly?"

"As it happens, Owen," Tosh said coolly, "I do have a plan, so shut up and let me talk."

Owen flushed slightly and mumbled something that might have been an apology.

"Here's what I think we should do," Tosh continued, ignoring Owen. "The next time Ianto tries to feed us something healthy, we'll just 'accidentally' spill coffee or oil or something on it and then we won't be able to eat it!"

She was met with silence. Finally, Jack said in an awed voice, "That's brilliant."

Tosh smiled smugly. "I know."

Somehow, they managed to choke down the broccoli patties Ianto brought and continued working with their stomachs growling. Then Jack faked a Weevil alert and took the others minus Ianto out for pizza.

"I feel guilty," Gwen said, staring down at her plate. "We get pizza while Ianto has to stay in the Hub and eat patties."

"Don't feel sorry for the guy," Owen told her. "Didn't you see his face? He's enjoying torturing us! And he actually likes that crap he calls food."

Gwen bit her lip but nodded determinedly. "Yeah, you're right."

Jack glanced at his watch. "Hurry up, guys. We've been away for forty minutes and Ianto's bound to be suspicious if we stay away for too long."

"But I don't want to go back!" Owen whined. Nevertheless, he hastily finished off his pizza and stood up. Jack paid the waitress and they all moved out.

On the way back, they came across a Weevil and soon had it unconscious and in the trunk of the SUV.

"Excellent," Jack grinned. "Now we have a solid alibi."

After dealing with the Weevil Jack sent the others home early, eager to have some alone time with Ianto.

"No!" Ianto snapped, folding his arms. "No way!"

"But Ianto!" Jack wheedled, holding out a can of whipped cream. "We used to do this all the time!"

"Not anymore," Ianto said. "Whipped cream is very unhealthy!"

Jack pouted.

Ianto softened. "How about I fetch the UNIT cap instead?"

The next morning passed by in a flurry of weevil alerts and coffee refills. Soon enough, though, Owen found himself sitting at the table while Ianto set out their lunch.

Today's menu was, if possible, even more disgusting than the previous day's. Ianto set out a large plate of steaming fish patties with some brussels sprouts on the side. Owen took one look and gagged. He could already feel his clothes loosening.

Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, he looked over to Tosh and mouthed, "Help!"

Tosh winked confidently. "Don't worry," she hissed. "Remember the plan!"

Sure enough, Owen could see a large cup of some sort of slime by her side.

Ianto finished setting out the food and took a seat. Picking up his fork, he noticed the strange substance and raised an eyebrow. "Er, Tosh?" he said tentatively. "What's that?"

Tosh gave a breezy smile. "Oh, just a sample I found," she said sweetly. "I'm trying to figure out what it is. I hope you don't mind if I keep it at the table. I wouldn't want it to accidentally get lost or thrown out."

"Not at all," Ianto said, though his faintly green cheeks gave him away. "Don't worry about it."

Tosh smirked slightly.

"Everything looks delicious," Gwen said, obviously lying through her teeth.

"Thank you, Gwen," Ianto replied and forked a patty onto his plate.

Gwen leaned over and picked up the bowl of sprouts. As she did so, her elbow knocked over the mug of slime.

Jack gave a very theatrical gasp. "Oh no!" he cried loudly. "That disgusting slime is covering all the food! There's no way we can eat it now!"

Ianto gave Jack a dirty look, but even he had to concede that the patties and sprouts were now completely inedible.

Owen gave Gwen a discreet high five, and Tosh seemed like she was resisting the urge to do a victory dance with Jack.

"Not to worry," Ianto smiled. "I brought extras!"

Owen slumped down in his seat, rubbing his growling stomach. "Seriously, guys," he said. "We can't go on like this."

Tosh let out a huge sigh. "I know. But we've run out of ideas! I can't think of a single thing!"

They lapsed into a melancholy silence, broken only by the faint sound of Ianto singing down in the archives. "Guys," Jack said suddenly. "Remember our phone meeting a few days ago? I suggested that maybe I try to seduce Ianto. I know that you already said no," he added hastily at the look on the others' faces, "But I think it's worth a try. What have we got to lose?"

Gwen pursed her lips. "He's got a point, guys," she admitted. "How about we let him have a try?"

Owen shrugged. "Sounds good to me."

"Ok," Tosh said. "Let's think of a way to get Ianto alone."

Ianto blinked and flattened his hair, waiting for his heart to slow down. He'd just received the greatest shock of his life. He'd been quietly filing away some stuff in the archives when Gwen had popped up next to him. She'd said something that sounded like "," and then yanked him up the stairs and shoved him into the conference room, where he was standing now.

With a start, he noticed Jack sitting at the table, lazily tapping a pencil and watching him with an unreadable look in his eyes.

"Oh, hello Jack," Ianto said, feeling nervous for some reason. "Gwen said you wanted to see me?"

Jack dropped the pencil and then folded his arms and surveyed Ianto with a smirk. "Yup," he drawled.

Ianto swallowed silently. The look in Jack's eyes was making him feel rather hot. "What is it?" he asked.

"Do I need a reason to want to see my lover?" Jack replied, his smirk wider.

Ianto just raised an eyebrow.

"I love that colour on you," Jack said huskily. "Red really suits you."

"Thank you," Ianto said, pleased. He took a lot of care in dressing each morning and it made him happy when his efforts were recognized. "Was there something else you needed, or can I get back to work?"

Jack stood up and made his way over to Ianto. "I'm not finished with you yet, Ianto Jones," he said, now close enough for Ianto to feel his hot breath on Ianto's face. "I'll never be finished with you."

As Jack's face grew ever closer, Ianto closed his eyes and tilted his head, lips parting slightly.

Jack kissed him softly yet firmly and he soon had Ianto up against the wall, with a knee between his legs. His hands were everywhere, softly tracing the gentle waves of Ianto's hair and moving slowly down towards his shoulders, his chest, his stomach, his thighs…

Ianto broke away with a gasp. "Stop," he said.

Jack froze in his explorations of Ianto's body. "What? What is it?"

Ianto gently removed Jack's hands. "I'm sorry, Jack, but I can't."

"Why not?" Jack demanded, pouting slightly.

Ianto looked embarrassed. "It's going to sound silly, but I feel like there's someone watching me."

"I'm sure that's just your imagination," Jack said, leaning in again. "Just ignore it."

Ianto neatly sidestepped Jack and moved away. "I'm sorry, Jack, I just can't. It really feels like there are people watching and you know I'm not one for public displays. I'm sorry."

Outside the door, Owen looked at Tosh and Gwen in alarm. "Uh-oh! He's coming out! Better run!"

Tosh groaned silently. "Darn his sixth sense," she muttered. "I was enjoying that."

They quietly hurried away.

The door opened and Ianto exited the room, carefully patting his hair back into shape and straightening his clothes. With a sigh, he walked towards the archives.

Jack stood in the empty conference room, watching Ianto go with a frown. "Dang it," he muttered. "Now what are we going to do?"

It wasn't long until Owen snapped. All it took was one look at the plate of gently steaming liver Ianto had placed before him and he was storming away, yelling something indecipherable (but most likely rude) over his shoulder. Ianto just watched him go calmly then returned to serving the rest of the team.

Jack poked the lump of liver on his plate gingerly and sighed. Feeling his stomach rumble hungrily, he looked up and met Tosh's eyes, an unspoken message passing between them.

Sneak out for pizza later?

Tosh gave a tiny shake of her head. Jack raised an eyebrow and gave her a questioning look.

I have a better idea, Tosh's face said. Meet me after lunch with Gwen.

Jack smiled. Message received.

"So," Tosh said, her voice authoritative. "I think we can all agree that this healthy-eating business has gone too far."

Owen, Gwen, and Jack all nodded in agreement.

"Despite how hard we try, all our plans somehow go wrong," Tosh continued. "But this time, I think I've come up with a plan not even Fate can beat."

"Well, what is it?" Gwen said eagerly.

Tosh adjusted her glasses, a smug smile playing over her lips. "So, this is what we're going to do…"

Ianto stepped through the Hub doors, a confused look on his face.

"Hey, Ianto!" Jack bounded forward and gave him a quick hug. "What's with the long face?"

Ianto patted Jack on the back and slowly extracted himself from his embrace. "Something very strange just happened," he explained.

"Oh?" Tosh popped up suddenly. "What do you mean?"

Gwen moved closer to the group and even Owen stuck his head up from the autopsy bay. Ianto looked around at his eagerly listening colleagues and sighed.

"It's nothing too strange. It's just that I went to that little grocery store on the corner to get some food for lunch and they were closed."

"Closed?" Jack echoed. "Why?"

Ianto slowly removed his coat and placed it over a railing. "Apparently, they were closed down temporarily after a health inspection or something." He frowned. "Which doesn't make sense, since that place is one of the cleanest in town."

"Oh yes, that's very strange," Gwen agreed, trying not to laugh.

Jack gave Tosh a discreet thumb's up. After all, this had been all her idea.

The plan had gone like this: Jack and Owen had dressed up as health inspectors and pretended to inspect the shop. Then they had declared the conditions unacceptable and closed it down. The owners hadn't made too much of a fuss; apparently, Jack made a very good health inspector.

"Well, why don't you go to that other place, the one that's around the corner from your flat?" Tosh suggested helpfully.

"Oh, I wouldn't do that," Owen interjected. "I heard there was a fire there and it's closed down to repair the damage."

It hadn't been a real fire actually. Gwen didn't like the idea of people accidentally getting hurt, even if it was for a good cause. So they just set off a smoke machine and let things go on from there. It hadn't taken long for people to start screaming and running and Jack had had a blast, even though he did get trampled a bit.

"Oh no!" Ianto turned to Owen, eyes wide. "But that's where I get all my vegetables!"

Owen just shrugged.

Ianto bit his lip. "But I don't have anything ready for lunch!" he complained. "I'd better make an emergency visit to that shop across town." He snatched up his coat again and left, tossing a hasty 'bye' over his shoulder. A few seconds later, however, and he stuck his head back into the room. "And don't try calling for food!" he yelled. "I've tapped the phones!"

Jack groaned.

Owen shook his head. "Jack, that boyfriend of yours is mental!"

Ianto returned an hour later, tired and irritable. Owen took one look at him and fled, snarky remark dying on his lips. With a huff, Ianto stormed over to Jack's office and slammed the door behind him. The curious team cautiously snuck up to the door and pressed their ears against the surface, anxiously eavesdropping.

"An hour," Ianto moaned, lying his head down on Jack's desk. "I drove an hour just to get to a store that was closed. I hate my life."

Jack patted Ianto's back and made soothing noises. "Don't worry, everything will be fine. You're just so stressed and tired! You need a nice nap and a good cup of tea. Now, why don't you go on home and get some rest; we'll be fine without you. That's right—" he gently led a weakly protesting Ianto to the door, "—I'm giving you the day off. Go home and get some sleep, and I don't want to see you here until 7:30 sharp tomorrow morning."

They had reached the Hub doorway. Ianto paused before it and looked at Jack. "Are you sure?" he asked, indecision colouring his voice. "I could use a rest but I'm nervous to leave you guys alone. Heaven knows what you get up to when I'm not around…"

"Don't worry," Jack said, giving Ianto a gentle push. "We'll be fine. Off you go now! Enjoy your nap!"

He watched as Ianto hesitantly left and the door closed. With a whoop, he spun around, pumping his fists in victory. "YES!"

The team cautiously emerged from the place they'd been hiding in so that Ianto wouldn't catch them eavesdropping.

"What happened?" Owen asked.

Jack turned to face them, a large grin splitting his face in two. "Guess who just got you all a vegetable-free afternoon?"

Gwen stared. "Seriously?"

Jack nodded smugly. "Pizza anyone?"

Ianto burst through the door, waving a large Tupperware container around. "Guess what, everyone! Guess what just—" he broke off as he realized what the others were doing.

Seated around the conference table, the others looked away guiltily and dropped their pizza slices back onto their plates. Ianto blinked twice and closed his mouth. The silence in the room was excruciating; Owen shifted uncomfortably and Jack avoided Ianto's burning gaze while Tosh and Gwen shrank visibly into their seats.

"Excuse me?" Ianto said, his tone dangerous. "Am I imagining things or are you actually eating pizza when I expressively forbade you to?"

Silence.

Ianto pinched the bridge of his nose and silently counted to ten. "All right," he said. "I am going to walk out of this room and make some coffee. When I come back, I don't want to see even a hint that you guys were eating pizza. I want it gone. Understand?"

Jack stood up. "But Ianto-!" he protested.

Ianto gave him a cold look. "And as for you, Mr Harkness. I trusted you and you let me down. No sex for a week."

Jack swallowed back his objection and sat down.

Giving them all one last condemning look, Ianto turned on his heel and exited the room.

Ianto returned exactly nine minutes and forty seconds later. By that time the table was clear and all traces of pizza were gone, except for a slight lingering smell of tomato sauce. Gwen had even set out new plates and cutlery along with a tablecloth she had found somewhere and brightly-coloured napkins.

Ianto began setting out platters of steamed vegetables and patties. Jack gaped and exchanged a look with Owen, jerking his chin meaningfully. Owen sighed and spoke up.

"Oi, Teaboy. Where'd you get the veggies? Weren't all the shops closed?"

"Actually," Ianto answered, "You're right. But as soon as I got home, I remembered that my neighbour had her own little vegetable garden. I explained the situation and she was happy to lend me some."

Jack silently groaned and smacked his forehead. Owen gave him a dirty look and muttered, "Next time, we kill the neighbour."

Unaware of the plans to kill his kindly old neighbour, Ianto straightened up. "Lunchtime!"

Groaning, the others resigned themselves to yet another miserable lunch.

Jack sighed morosely and idly doodled on the sheet of paper before him. Then he looked at what he'd drawn and felt his stomach rumble. The slice of pizza he'd sketched looked so appetizing, even with his horrible drawing skills.

Jack flung the pencil down and laid his head on the desk. The situation was rapidly becoming serious; it had been almost two weeks since his last piece of pizza and he was suffering through withdrawal. Heck, even a bad drawing of pizza was getting his mouth watering. He'd settle for anything vaguely unhealthy at this point.

His mind wandered at the thought of unhealthy food, filling up with images of dripping ice-cream sundaes, steaming hamburgers, thick wedges of chocolate cakes, golden fries glistening with oil…

He was startled out of his daydreams by the sound of the Hub door opening. A delicious scent wafted through and Jack perked up, sniffing eagerly. Could it be…?

He peeked down the railings and sure enough, there was Ianto walking past, carrying two familiar-looking white boxes.

Jack gaped. "What the…pizza?"

Instantly, Owen popped his head up from the autopsy bay. "Did someone say pizza?"

Gwen lifted her head from her workstation, sniffing the air like a dog. "I smell pizza!"

Tosh jumped up. "Pizza? Where?"

Together, they raced to the boardroom, where Ianto was setting out some plates.

"Ianto," Jack gasped, "what are you doing? Is that pizza?"

Ianto dusted his hands off. "Yes, that is pizza."

Owen's eyes were wide. "But—but didn't you swear off pizza?"

"I did," Ianto sighed. "But I'm just so sick of vegetables and cooking all the time is getting so tiring. I never thought I'd say this, but…I actually miss unhealthy food."

Jack grinned. "I knew you'd come around."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Yeah, no need to rub it in. Now are you going to eat or not?"

They eagerly sat themselves down and grabbed a slice each.

Jack raised his slice in a toast. "To eating unhealthily!"

The first bite of pizza was like heaven.

END

I'm feeling a bit nervous about posting this because I haven't written for Torchwood in ages! I really hope you enjoyed it. Any reviews would be greatly appreciated.