Longing to Breathe

By Lara

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. However I do like to borrow Stephenie's imaginary friends and play with them too. (especially Jasper)

A.N. - This is an AU fic where all characters are human. I'm giving fair warning now that in later chapters this story will contain language and mature themes: sexual situations, suicide, drug use, violence and some major angst in specific scenes. Despite that this isn't going to be a total depression trip but you should read at your own discretion.

The most prominent thing I notice bout my new home is the humid heat. Even with the windows rolled down, the cab ride from Armstrong International airport was stuffy and moist. I could swear I was breathing in more water than air.

The heat I was used to. I spent the better part of my childhood living in Phoenix Arizona surrounded by dessert under the baking rays of the sun. I could handle dry heat, it was the humidity that I was finding downright uncomfortable.

A bead of sweat rolls down the back of my neck. Even having my heavy hair pulled up in a messy bun wasn't cooling me down. It irked me to admit that I was actually going to miss the rainy town of Forks, a small inconsequential place nestled in the Olympic peninsula where I've spent the last four years living with my dad Charlie. Even though Forks was water logged too, at least the temperature wasn't a sweltering one hundred and two degrees in mid August.

I sucked it up and focused on watching the unfamiliar scenery passing by outside the window. The twenty minute drive from the airport to uptown New Orleans was an interesting hodge-podge of old and new. The closer I got to the Tulane University campus I found myself charmed by the large Victorian style homes.

I'm pulled out of my musings as the cab driver pulls to a stop before a nondescript two story house with a wide sweeping porch and a badly needed paint job. Its hardly run down looking but it is obvious that this house is not maintained by a private owner. The address is stenciled in black paint along the front facing of the top step, which is at eye-level as I step from the car.

I glance down at the paper containing all my off campus housing information. 705 Broadway. I look up again as the fluttering of excited anxiety that has been with me all morning turns into gut wrenching nervousness. For a split second I whish I had taken Charlie up on his offer the see me settled in.

He'd looked at me from across the kitchen table with a worried expression as I'd explained that this was something I needed to do on my own. This was my first real taste of independence since the accident and I had to become completely self sufficient at some point right?

"Bells you don't have to prove anything to me. If I didn't think you were capable of this then I would never agreed to let you go to college half way across the country. I bet they'll be lots of parents making sure their kid gets settled in alright."

"Dad really, its fine." I said with tight smile, trying not to dwell on the plural parents. "Besides you can't afford to miss any more work this year. I mean with Harry Clearwater's death last April and all that time you took off to help out Sue and then the days you miss for all… my doc… doctor visits, really Dad. I can handle this." I insisted, proud that only stumbled on the word doctor once.

He'd tried to convince me to change my mind right up until our subdued goodbyes. I'd hugged him trying not to cry. He'd cleared his throat gruffly and forced a grin.

"And you're absolutely sure about going it alone?" He asked even though he knew it was too late to do anything about it. Of course this is my dad and I don't doubt that he would've tried to stowaway on the plane if I'd have asked him to.

"Yes I'm sure. Love you Dad." I said as I hugged him tightly.

"Love you too. Take care Bells. Call me when you get in okay."

And that was the image I took with me on the flight from Washington to Louisiana, my dad standing awkwardly in the terminal with his hands in his pockets and an ambivalent expression on his face.

Damn I miss him already.

"Hey kid I ain't got all day. Where do you want this stuff?" The cab driver barks at me from the direction of the trunk.

I turn and take a step toward him biting my lip as pain flares across my right hip. I should be used to it by now. It always hurts after I've been sitting still for too long. Ignoring the pain, something that I'm usually good at, I move toward the back of the car slowly, a slight limp obvious in my gait.

"You can set them here. How much do I owe you?" I ask as he takes my duffle bag, laptop case and two small suitcases from the trunk and sets them on the ground at my feet.

"Fifty dollars."

I hand him three twenties. "Thanks."

He flashes me a toothy smile and nods his head. "Good luck kid."

Good luck? Yeah, I am so going to need it.

I awkwardly sling the duffle bag over my left shoulder and then try to pick up my suitcases without toppling over under their surprising weight. The pain comes back viscously radiating from my hip to my lower back as I bend down. Gritting my teeth against it I manage to get the to two suitcases but my laptop case tips over in the process. I let go of one suit case to reach for my lap top and my duffle bag shifts forward knocking the suitcase over as well.

"Stupid baggage." I mutter sorely tempted to give both offending items a good hard kick.

Just then the front door opens and both a guy and girl emerge, the girl talking animatedly. Her chirpy voice comes to a halt as they both notice me at the end of the walkway loaded down with luggage.

The girl smiles brightly and rushes over, her pixy face alight with curiosity. "Hello. Do you need a hand?"

"Sure." I can't help returning her infectious grin. I'm relieved that she seems friendly.

She takes one of my suitcases while the boy, who followed at a more sedate pace, takes my lap top and my other suitcase. He smiles shyly, his round cheeks reddening slightly beneath his thick glasses.

The girl begins talking again, bubbly and excited as we follow her up the walk. "I take it your our new roomie. Are you Isabella or Angela? They said we were getting two new faces this year since Eric graduated and Lauren… well, I heard she couldn't keep her average up but who's to say. She was only with us for a semester and a half."

"The longest semester and a half of my life." The boy sighs, speaking for the first time. The tiny girl laughs with a voice that sounds like wind chimes.

I have no idea who these people are or who they are talking about and yet already I feel my awkwardness easing by painless degrees. "I'm Isabella Swan, but everyone calls me Bella."

"Its very nice to meet you Bella." The girl says graciously. "I'm Alice Brandon and this is Benjamin Cheney."

"Ben." The boy corrects with a wider smile this time.

Alice continues on uninterrupted. "Please make yourself at home Bella. We're all fairly easy to live with in this house. They'll be five of us total. Each of us has a bedroom. There is a half bath downstairs and two full bathrooms upstairs. Don't worry, its one for the girls and one for the guys. They won't set foot in our bathroom under penalty of death." She chuckles ominously.

She dissuaded my concern before I even had the chance to grimace.

As we enter into the house I notice that the inside is far different from what I was expecting. The bottom floor is converted into an open kitchen and living room combination. While its obvious the furniture is standard issue, a feminine hand has definitely added a touch here and there with fresh flowers, pretty curtains and a few funky throw pillows for the large sofa and two loveseats.

"Okay first come first choice. There's one bedroom here on the bottom floor and there is one open upstairs. Which would you rather?" Alice asks.

This is a no brainer. "Downstairs."

Alice and Ben duck into a small hallway tucked neatly underneath the slanting staircase. Even I can detect the texture change in the walls and flooring where this area must have been added on to the house recently. There are two doors across from one another. They lead me through the one on the left.

"This is going to be your room. May as well make yourself at home." Alice says with a flourish. As I put my bag down Alice places her hands on her hips and gives my small bit of personal space a grim once over. "Did they explain the housing process to you?" she asks absently.

"Kind of. I know its completely paid for by the scholarship." I shrug.

"It is. But that's not what I was referring to. Its actually a very convenient set up. As long as you attend Tulane and keep within the scholarship requirements this will be your permanent residency for the duration of your undergrad program. This will be my third year here. Its Ben's second. Its great because won't have to deal with the hassle of being reassigned to another unit every year."

Alice pins me with a chessire grin. "That means I can help you decorate… elaborately."

Ben chuckles nervously. "Well you ladies have fun. I still have clothes to finish unpacking. It was very nice to meet you Bella. Later Alice."

He disappears so quickly it leaves me and Alice blinking in unison. Then she giggles, a sweet girlish sound, and I find myself laughing right along with her knowing with a rare kind of certainty that we are going the be great friends.

Angela Weber arrived shortly after I did. Alice made sure that her induction to the house was as painless as possible. I'm surprised by how very much I like both Alice and Angela instantly. Where Alice is a bold and outgoing Angela is far more like me, quiet and reserved. It doesn't seem to bother Alice at all.

It's later in the afternoon and we've just returned from a girls trip to Wal-Mart to get the essentials that we didn't carry along from home.

While shopping Alice told us that she is going for a major in art and is from Biloxi Mississippi. Her parents are both junior high teachers and her younger sister Cynthia is senior in high school. The scholarship was her only chance to attend a college of this caliber and it helped that she was only an hour and a half away from her family.

Angela on the other hand is majoring in medicine and is from Branson Missouri. She was desperate for a change from the small tourist town and the ever watchful eyes of her father, the minister. Being an only child, she was eager for that first taste of independence.

And in turn I told them my insignificant life story. I'm majoring in English and lived with my dad in the most sunless place on earth. As if that wasn't tragic enough try having a dad that is the town sheriff and then see what kind of social life you get out of that equation.

Now back at the house we're sitting around the kitchen table each of us nursing a pint of Hagen Das as Alice fills us in on the campus scoop.

"Since we live within six blocks of campus this area is sort the middle ground for a lot of students. There's a fraternity house just down the street. There is always a party going on somewhere practically every weekend if your into that sort of thing. The Phi Gamma Delta frat house is notorious for throwing the best parties hands down." Alice's blue eyes sparkle as she admits, "But then I am biased because that's my boyfriend Jasper's fraternity."

"Boyfriend. Hmmm." I say as I nudge Angela with my elbow. "She should dish out the details right?"

Angela smiles sweetly. "Definitely."

Alice laughs her whole expression going from bright to megawatt in a nano-second. "Okay, this is the rundown. When I say my man is hot I mean he is HOT. Blond hair, the sexiest baby blue eyes and body out of this world. But that's not the half of it. I swear I've snagged the last southern gentleman out there. He opens doors for me, buys me flowers, will text me out of the blue just to say I love you… he treats me like I'm a goddess or something. And his Texan drawl is to die for."

I can tell just by the look on her face that she's in love. I share a knowing look with Angela. "She's got it bad."

"I'd say." Angela agrees.

The more Alice gushes about her perfect boyfriend I feel old memories trying to resurface, ones that I can't confront and expect to keep a smile plastered on my face. And that's when reality rushes in with brutal efficiency disrupting my small measure of contentedness from my great afternoon with these wonderful girls. I feel the familiar melancholy take hold and it becomes an effort to keep my smile light and my tone bubbly.

This is why you came so far away from Phoenix and Forks… and La Push. Away from everything that is only an echo of a happier time. So you could make new memories and create a new chapter of happiness. Don't fuck it up!

Thinking of Forks I suddenly remember I completely forgot to call Charlie. I never took my cell phone out of my duffle bag. I know he's probably called a dozen times already.

"Crap! I forgot to call my Dad! I'll be right back!" I exclaim, pushing away from the table abruptly and bolting for my room.

As I rounded the corner to the hall behind the stairs, what I didn't plan on was the warm body that crashed into mine as it rounded the corner toward me just as quickly. It happened in a slit second it seemed. I ran into a brick wall and I stumbled back, my right hip pulling painfully as I lost my already precarious balance and tumbled backward onto my rear end. That in itself wouldn't have been so bad if the guy- and it was a guy and not a brick wall despite what it felt like- hadn't reached for me trying to stop my fall. It was a belated reaction and he wasn't expecting my dead weight so when I latched onto his arm I managed to pull him down right on top of me.

The air rushed out of my lungs with a woosh as his chest landed hard against mine. His elbow jammed right against my ribcage. I already knew that was going to leave a bruise. I gnashed my teeth to keep from crying out as his weight created even more pressure against my hip bone.

Almost instantly he lifts himself off of me but I keep my eyes closed between the combination of pain and trying to draw in a breath. My face must be plum purple with mortification.

"Are you alright?" The brick wall asks and I can't tell if his tone is concerned or annoyed.

As soon as the pain eases I nod my head and slowly look up only to find the most mesmerizing green eyes staring down at me. For the length of two heartbeats that gaze doesn't shift from mine. I literally forget to breathe.

Then in the blink of an eye he's back on his feet and holding his hand out to me. "Here."

I'm still befuddled as I stare at him.

He is… beautiful. I can't think of a better word. His face is classically sculptured, like I'm looking at a living breathing creation of one of the renaissance masters. His full lips are set in an impatient line and his expression can only be described as stern. His hair is shiny bronze and tousled into complete disarray. There's a hint of stubble along his jaw and his emerald eyes have delicate shadows beneath them, as if he were suffering from a sleepless night or two.

I blink. He is still just as stunning. I blink again.

He mouth twists mockingly. "Do you plan on getting up off the floor or should I leave you to your incoherency?"

I didn't think it was possible to blush any deeper but I'm proven wrong as a fresh wave of heat warms my cheeks. I quickly accept his offered hand and try not to wince as he helps me up. "Thanks."

The minute I'm standing the pain in my hip starts throbbing. I think it was the soft way I hissed my gratitude that gave me away.

His tone is a touch less condescending as he asks again, "Are you certain you're alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Look I'm really sorry about this. I'm a terrible klutz but I don't usually have any casualties besides myself." I joke lamely hoping to assuage some of his annoyance. I'm too humiliated to be angry at his snooty attitude. I try to maintain as much dignity as possible by standing still. I nonchalantly slip my hand into the pocket of my jeans to discreetly rub my aching hip.

One corner of his lips quirk in what I'm guessing is his version of a smile. "Thanks for the warning. Perhaps I'll invest in body armor just to be safe in the future."

"Very funny." I grumble wishing he would go on his way. I absolutely refuse to humiliate myself any further in front of him by hobbling to my room. I look ridiculous enough when I walk with my embarrassing limp. The pain however, is something else entirely. I really need to sit down.

My annoyance seems to amuse him. "I take it your room is the one across from mine. Do you think you can make it that far without assistance?"

"I think I can manage." I say crossly as I glower at this arrogant stranger with the handsome face. I try not to sound too desperate as I urge him to go. "I'm sure you have more important things to do. Don't let me keep you."

He chuckles dryly and to my relief he walks away without looking back.

I hold on to the wall for support as I limp to my assigned bedroom. I glance at the closed door across the hall and roll my eyes. It's a relief on the pressure in my pelvic area to sit on my bed as I rummage through my duffle bag for my cell phone. After I give my hands a moment to stop shaking I check my phone and sure enough there are nine missed calls all from Charlie.

I dial the familiar number and my throat feels tight as I hear his homey voice. "Bella! Where the hell have you been?"

"Sorry. I meant to call you but its just been one thing after another, you know meeting my roommates and then making a run to the store for a few things and getting the feel of the place. Its alright." I say thickly.

"Bells you okay? You sound funny?" Charlie asks.

"Yeah. I didn't expect to get homesick this soon." I laugh halfheartedly.

"You can always come back. I call the airlines right now-"

"Dad." I sigh. "You know I can't do that. I've have to give this a chance first."

"I know. I know."

We talk a few more moments before I finally hang up the phone. I toss it on the bed behind me reminding myself that Charlie is only a phone call away should I need him. I can do this. I have to.

Gingerly I stand up, relieved when the pain is closer to it s normal, mildly irritating ache. I walk over to the full length mirror that is attached to the wall right beside the closet door. My nose wrinkles as I take in my mousy hair still pulled back in the loose twist. I'm wearing my favorite navy blue t-shirt, its baggy and faded but oh so comfortable. My cheeks are still blotched with rosebuds of color and my muddy brown eyes look pained.

Hardly glamorous. Certainly worthy of the derision of my handsome housemate. I sigh in disgust and start to turn away but then I remember his hard elbow against my ribs and I curiously raise my shirt to inspect the damage. A faint red patch marks the spot and as I poke it, it twinges slightly. Yet another bruise to add to my collection.

I lower my shirt but not before the mirror reflects something I don't really want to see. The slash of puckered skin, still a fleshy pink tone peeking out the top of my jeans just above my right hip. I can picture by perfected memory every ridge and bump of the scar tissue as it drags down over my oddly misshapen hip bone and down toward the middle of my abdomen.

I drop the hem of my shirt letting it fall over the unpleasant sight. I'm going to ask Ben if he can remove the mirror as soon as possible.

With a wry smile I realize that I never asked green eyes his name. He didn't ask for mine either. I take a deep breath and remind myself that the less I know about him the better.

A.N. - Well how is that to a interesting start? This fic is going to be dark at times and will eventually deal with heavy subject matter. And of course there will be sex later on too. Just making sure everyone is adequately warned.

I'll be updating this story and "Sex and Candy as often as possible. I have the plot mostly worked out so it shouldn't give me too much trouble.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.