So, this is my first (and possibly only) Harry Potter Fanfic. It's set in the future, and I wrote it in response to a dare from The Light's Refrain. Warning: There is an essay written by a Third Year student at Hogwarts. It might be somewhat dull. Enjoy!
Diana Fancourt was sitting in class, spaced off. It was her least favorite class of the day at Hogwarts: Muggle Studies. The only reason she took it in the first place was because it sounded easy. The teacher, Professor Stainwright, was rambling on about Muggle Sports, while Diana doodled in her notebook. Then Professor Stainwright said something that caught Diana's attention.
"Alright class," the Professor reminded them as the bell rang. "Remember, you have an essay due tomorrow on Muggle Entertainment. I expect mention of sports, movies, and television, and require at least 500 words." Diana internally panicked. She'd had no idea about the essay that was due tomorrow! How was she going to finish by then? Luckily, this was her last class, so she headed straight for the Library, where she grabbed anything that mentioned Muggle sports, movies, television, or just plain old entertainment for that matter. She then headed to the Gryffindor Common Room, where she settled down into a chair by the fire, and started writing. She stayed up well into the morning, getting only a few hours of sleep.
-oOo-
The next day, she went through all her classes like usual. There was a Practical Exam in Defense Against the Dark Arts, which she aced, a quiz in Charms, which was luckily multiple choice, giving her an easy A, then in Herbology, Professor Longbottom had them tending the Puffapods. Not to mention a boring History of Magic lecture, a detention from accidentally screwing up her potion, and learning how to turn a teacup into a tortoise. Finally, it was time for Muggle Studies. Diana turned in her essay and once again tuned out the lesson. Afterwards, she went to her detention, where she had to scour the filthy potions room.
-oOo-
Later that night, Professor Calista Stainwright was busy grading the essays. She had gotten through most of them. Eventually she arrived at Diana Fancourt's essay. She read what was written:
"Muggles have found many ways to entertain themselves over the centuries. I will be discussing multiple subjects discussing Muggle Entertainment.
One of the earliest forms of entertainment for the Muggles was killing and conquest. This is evident because of how many wars they have been in. Take, for example, what Muggles call 'WWI.' I don't know how to pronounce this, but it all started because some Muggle band called the 'Black Hand' didn't like a man who was called Archduke Franz Ferdinand. (I don't know what that title means, since I doubt it has anything to do with arches.) Because 'Black Hand' didn't like the Archduke, they killed him, starting WWI. Then they were all arrested for playing inappropriate music. WWI didn't achieve anything but killing, although plenty of other wars that were fought before that had successful conquest, as was the case in the time of the Romans.
Another form of Muggle Entertainment is sports. Unlike our favorite sport in the Wizarding community, Quidditch, Muggle sports are much more violent and played on the ground. One particular sport is especially confusing, as in some places it is called 'Football' and in others, it is called 'Soccer.' It involves kicking around a black-and-white ball, trying to get it into a net, which will then cause everyone watching that supports the team to stand up and cry, 'Goal!' That team then gains a point for that. In the places that call this sport 'Soccer,' there is an even more violent game, also called 'Football.' It seems like the point of the game is to run around with an oddly shaped ball, throw it to people, kick it through a Y shaped metal post, and tackle other players. The Muggles of the country called the U.S. of A. seem to particularly like this sport, getting extremely competitive about it even if they aren't the ones playing.
Then there are Muggle movies. They are extremely similar to our moving photographs, only the Muggles cannot interact with the movies, instead watching the people that lived through the movies, often laughing when they do something stupid, clumsy, or funny. One movie like this that I particularly like was called 'Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail.' There seemed to be no sense in the title, seeing as how there was nobody named Monty Python, and they never found the Holy Grail. One set of movies I found particularly interesting were eight movies about the Wizarding community. Their names all started out as 'Harry Potter and the,' then followed with something like 'Sorcerer's Stone' or 'Deathly Hallows Part One.' I found it deeply disturbing that the muggles know about our celebrity, Harry Potter, who lives in Godric's Hollo, and our way of life, going so far as to make historically accurate movies about it, and the Ministry of Magic has allowed this!
The Muggle's television (TV) is almost exactly like their movies. The only difference is that what they watch is often drawings, called 'cartoons,' or other 'shows' that invade people's personal space. One such example of this is a TV show called 'Survivor' where 20-30 people are forced to live on an island and compete with each other, all while being filmed. An example of a cartoon is 'Dora the Explorer.' The main character, Dora, seemed especially stupid, young, and was going on adventures with talking animals and no parent supervision. She also had a talking backpack and map, along with speaking a dialect I've never heard before, called 'Spanish.' It was highly unbelievable. What finally tipped me off was the fact that she was speaking a made-up dialect.
The last form of Muggle Entertainment I will talk about is the 'Internet.' It seems to be comprised mostly of what Muggles call 'videos,' which are what movies and TV shows are made up of. These can be found on something called YouTube. I find this name highly ridiculous, as there was nothing about me or you, and they were severely lacking in tubes. The second most common things found on the Internet are pictures, often of food or with funny sayings. The pictures with funny sayings are called 'memes,' unless they are pictures of a cat. They are then called 'Lolcats.' In memes and Lolcats, words are often misspelled, or completely illegible, as they are not real words. Finally, there seems to be a very small amount of actual knowledge on the internet. All of this is found on something called 'Wikipedia.' It is highly informative, even including facts about the aforementioned 'Harry Potter' movies, claiming that they are fictional, which explains why the Ministry of Magic allows them to be viewed by the Muggles. I even found most of my information about this subject easily on this website.
In conclusion, Muggles are very weird and inferior, and as such have created weird and inferior means of entertainment to satisfy their desires. Thank you for reading my essay, and I hope you enjoyed it.'
Professor Stainwright finished reading the essay, looking stunned. She sat there for a few moments, comprehending what she had just read. Then she graded it, wrote a note at the bottom, and moved on to the next student's essay.
-oOo-
The entire next day, Diana was confident in her essay, positive she got at least an A. When she at last entered the Muggle Studies classroom, she sat down, eagerly waiting for the confirmation of an A on her essay. Class started, and the first thing Professor Stainwright did was pass back the graded essays. As soon as Diana got hers, she eagerly took it and read her grade. She'd gotten… A D!? No, this couldn't be right. Her facts were perfect, and she wrote them in an excellent format. She noticed the teacher's note at the bottom and quickly read it. It said:
"Diana, your facts are mostly incorrect. The Black Hand was a terrorist organization, and were arrested for killing the Archduke. There is more to both types of Football then you explained, while the country you meant is the U.S.A., not the U.S. of A. Meanwhile, in movies, the people are acting a part, not living that way, and Spanish is an actual dialect, commonly found in Spain and throughout the countries south of the U.S.A. Furthermore, Wikipedia is not an acceptable source for information. Even Muggle teachers agree on that! Please see me after class to discuss your essay in further detail."
Diana slammed her head down onto her desk and groaned. Today was going to be a long day. Not only did she have to talk to Professor Stainwright about the stupid essay, she had another detention from her Potions Master, Professor Shingleton for making fun of his name! He wouldn't be happy when she was late to detention, and she still smelled like spoiled potions from yesterday's detention. She shuddered to think of what he'd make her do this time.
I hope you liked it! Please review, and I hope I made you laugh at least once during the story. Wofie out! Peace!