"Me Before You" - Chapter 27 – my version
27
Turning quickly, in order to prevent Will from seeing my face as it involuntarily twisted and screwed in upon itself while my stomach simultaneously dropped into my shoes, I headed for the door. I silently swore to myself, as I had been doing since receiving Camilla's phone call and agreeing to come to Switzerland, that I would not make this harder on Will than it had to be. I reminded myself firmly that I was not to play the martyr or to dare make this about me. This was about Will; it was his life and his decision. I was telling myself this silently while also cursing myself for having taken the seat on the far side of his bed because now I was certain I was not going to make it to the door, which seemed to be stretching farther and farther away from me like some kind of horrible nightmare, when I was stopped in my tracks, "Clark?" I froze. Never one for making things easy on me, Will said it again, quietly and calmly, as if he was about to ask me the weather or something, just that, just, "Clark?" It undid my totally. A silent gasp of a sob escaped me, despite my best efforts, and I paused, willing myself to breathe, to pull it back together, to give him this one thing that he had asked and to accept his decision. Frozen in place, I breathed and forced the blackness that was closing in around me to dissipate. It felt like it took an eternity, but it was probably only a moment, because Will was still calmly waiting for my response, which I gave without turning around, "Yes, Will?" There was silence, he probably hadn't even heard me, I still forgot sometimes that it's necessary to speak a bit louder to someone who is lying down and unable to reposition themselves to easily face you; clearing my throat and gaining a bit of resolve, I said again, "Yes, Will?"
"Where are you going Clark?" "Why you've asked me to get your parents, Will. I'm going to get your parents. I'm doing as you asked." And then there was silence. Silence from me, because I knew I couldn't trust myself to speak. It had been a Herculean effort to get out the info about where I was going without dissolving." I waited, but there was again no reply for another moment. Not wanting this moment to end, awkward and painful as it was, I stood there longer, waiting for Will to tell me to get to it. When he finally spoke though, it wasn't to tell me to get on with it at all. Instead he spoke my name again, just simply and plainly, "Clark." And I replied, without thinking, "Will." And then he said, "You know I love you, Clark. Don't you?" I didn't reply; Will went on. "You understand that the six months I've spent with you have been the happiest I've ever had and that I am madly in love with you?" This nearly pushed me over the cliff of holding myself together and silent tears were spilling down my cheeks as I fought with myself to maintain any shred of self-control. Quietly, and still without turning around and while swallowing the thousand "whys" that were swirling around in my head, I gritted my teeth and battled to think rationally and speak calmly as I said, "Thank you, Will Traynor. I hope you know that I love you too." Then I paused and took a breath, "Now, please Will, tell me what you want me to do because I'm trying very hard to get this right."
There was a pause that felt eternal before I heard the sound of Will's soft laughter. Disbelieving, I spun around, and as I saw his face, my tears turning from grief to rage, "Will Traynor, you stop laughing this instant! How can you laugh at a moment like this? You're horrible, horrible..." And that was all I had, I just dissolved in a gasping sob and fell into the chair beside Will's bed, thinking as I did so that, tragically, this would be the last time that Will Traynor would ever infuriate me! That was the worst of it, this being the last time.
When my sobs finally quieted, I lifted my head to look at Will, who was calmly watching me. As I looked up, he smiled and I took his hand. I felt the gentle return of pressure he could give and managed to smile back. "You alright, Clark?" And this time I was the one to laugh. It was a small, rather pathetic laugh, but there it was. "I don't know that 'alright' is the word I'd use, Will, but," I took a deep breath here, steeling myself not to start blubbering again, "Yes." And then Will took a deep breath and said softly, "Good, Clark. Thank you." And then, coolly, "Can you call my parents in then?" "Of course, Will; whatever you want, my love." I leaned in then, and kissed him. And when I sat up again, I noticed that something in the set of his face had changed a bit, I think it would have been imperceptible to virtually anyone else, and I can't quite explain what was different, but it was there. Looking back, I can best describe it as a release of sorts, as if a bit of the worry and pain that he always wore was somehow lifted and seemed to just leave him. As I studied his beautiful face, I thought about that pain and worry he always wore and it helped me see that, as hard as being here and knowing why we were here was for me, the things Will had to bear were harder still for him.
"Clark," he said, "can you call my parents in?" Embarrassed to realize he'd asked me that some time ago, before my breakdown had shifted his course. I realized in disgust that of course he wanted to get on with things and not drag them out eternally. I was mentally chastising myself when he added, "I want to tell them I've changed my mind.."