Chapter 16: The Solution

It had been Ida's idea to gather everyone into the ballroom instead of the main foyer today (April 21st, 2018). She had instructed the staff to lock all of the doors once everyone was inside in order to prevent the killer from escaping. Also, everyone was instructed individually to come down at 8am for a "breakfast tribute" to our fallen comrades and that the reveal would be done at lunch. But what our suspects did not know is that once everyone was inside, we would reveal the killer after the doors were locked, in order to lull the culprit into a false sense of security. Ida made a quick head count to give to a guard in regular staff clothing discretely.

"3 more to go. John Grim, Charles Kelly and Tamara Costa have not entered yet."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" came a blood-curdling scream from the near the shaft of the blown up elevator.

"Keep everyone inside while Aaron, Holly and I check it out."

The guard nodded as our amateur detectives headed for the elevator shaft. They found 3 bodies hanging from the shaft, all naked, and all with massive trauma on their bodies that appeared to be inflicted BEFORE they were taken to the gallows pole, so to speak of course.

Ida looked at each body from left to right. The first victim was hit with the sledgehammer at least a dozen times. Hit so hard that a rib was sticking out of the skin of his chest. The tattoos on his body however, served to identify him in Ida's eyes. "The one on the left is John Grim. R.I.P. Hellion". Moving to the body in the middle, Ida's first observation was that his penis had been chopped off rather aggressively. Whether that was before or after the other…17 stab wounds…was inconsequential. Her second observation was that some of the stab wounds on the chest contained White, Blue, Black, Red and Green spray paint over them. "The colours of Magic: The Gathering, so this would be Charles." Ida went to one on the right, "Tamara got off easy. Just a single shot to the back of the head."

Holly pointed and whispered while she got out a pair of rubber gloves, "All 3 of these people have the number 2 tattooed on them, just like Aaron, Fabio and Harley. But look guys, another note. Taped onto Tamara's stomach." She fetched the note and began reading it just loud enough for Ida and Aaron L. to hear, but no one else:

One of these victims is not like the others

One of these victims just does not belong

Can you figure out who the special victim is?

By the time I finish my song

Holly finally made a realization. "Tamara is the different one. John and Charles were Cult of Aaron through and through. Tamara was Yfe. Which means our killer is someone in the Yfeniverse."

Ida shook her head, "We pretty much already knew that from the documents Ricky gave us last night."

Aaron L. put a comforting hand on each of their back, "Ladies, I will take the lead in the summary and reveal."

Ida and Holly nodded in agreement, and then headed inside. The staff locked all of the doors simultaneously. Ida and Holly stayed by the door while Aaron Langemann walked around the crowd of suspects with an odd smile on his face. A smile that showed everyone that 1 way or another, this will all be over.

"The forged will should have been a red herring, however it showed us that it came from someone used to hand writing in the information age. The sledgehammer could have come any hardware store in Canada and the knife from any kitchen. But the Glock 9mm had to come from a vintage weapons store and our killer could not have had a prior criminal record."

A few breathed a sigh of relief, but Aaron Langemann did not notice who specifically, and did not care.

"The receipt from the hotel bakery should have also lead nowhere. Until I realized that the order was for Crepes. Not cheap, and paid with cash. So our killer had a few dollars to spare. The cologne was definitely meant to point the finger at John, and when that did not work he was mercilessly beaten to death with the sledgehammer as he had no use to our culprit. Later, my associates and I were given a bottle of nail polish. This bottle of nail polish was pretty nondescript, save to say that our culprit is female."

The men left alive breathed a sigh of relief, knowing all of them were just proven innocent. Aaron L. continued:

"Now in case you have not noticed, I have been jumping around the list of clues just a bit. And I beg you to indulge my non-linear thinking just a bit further if you please. The Yfe picture obviously implicated the Yfeniverse had a killer amongst it, and then the necklace was meant to imply that the Cult of Aaron had a killer amongst it. But the lettering was altered jewels from the Red Crown Crane collection."

The Yfeniverse gasped, the cult of Aaron high-fived and fist-pumped each other in celebration. Aaron L. continued:

"But the killer made 3 crucial mistakes. First: When a band makes an E.P., there is a lot of space left on the compact disc as less than 40 minutes of music have been recorded. So if we played the weapon that killed Fabio and Harley, I wonder which version of Open your Eyes would play. Not that it really matter. Secondly, the killer left a glove behind. The size of the glove indicates a person of small build, thirdly…"

Ida's jeans started vibrating; she pulled out her cell phone and smiled at what it showed on her screen. "I am sorry to interrupt you Detective Langemann, but the fingerprint scan came back…catch." She tossed her phone to Aaron L. to which he caught one handed. "Thank you Ida. Now where was I? Oh yes, thirdly…"

Aaron Langemann looked at the cell phone screen, "The killer left a partial print behind. I believe it belong to you, Midnight Crasher."

Everyone gasped and looked at Isabel Foster simultaneously. "Me? Kill? That is preposterous. The 3 of you are clearly delusional and should have just waited for the police to get here to conduct a proper investigation."

The doors mysteriously unlocked. All of them, including the ones that were locked down after the original murder. Toronto police surrounded the ballroom. Aaron Langemann continued, only with even more arrogance that he promised to back up by taking a document he hid in a bag under his shirt. "And why should we wait Isabel? So that everyone can go home, the crime scenes can be tainted just enough so that Your Favorite Enemies can get a TV a show as a front to start covert internet warfare with the Cult of Aaron without repercussions? Or in the case you were eventually discovered, so you could disappear into the Quebec underworld like Karla Homolka did when she got out of jail?"

"How? How? How did you get memo 273?"

"It was intercepted by a celebrity stranger."

Isabel began crying as Aaron L. turned his back. Isaac Tong (ever the dangerously genre savvy) screamed, "Be careful Langemann, Isabel is going to jump you." Isabel did indeed try but was intercepted and tackled by the 2 people nearest her, James Ford and Catherine Bronnikova. After she tapped due to being in a figure 4 leg lock (applied by Catherine) and the Anaconda Vise (applied by James), Toronto police took over and slapped handcuffs on Isabel as she screamed in anger: "ALRIGHT, I KILLED ALL 6 PEOPLE! THEY ALL DESERVED TO DIE!" Isaac looked at James and Catherine, declaring proudly: "Now THAT is a crowning moment of awesome…bitch."

Aaron L. (knowing he had won), stopped the cops from carting her off. "Just a moment officers. Your motive for Aaron: He was too smart to truly allow you to brainwash him like you do with the rest of your fans. Your opportunity: Chiara and Jess Felix never paid you much mind during the card games even after you excused yourself for how long?"

Isabel sighed, admitting total defeat "Not long at all. I have been practising inside the church for months. And my computer savvy is well enough to make a new hotel room key so that there was no forced entry. I used so many weapons to show Aaron Collins as he was dying that it is better to let YFE brainwash you."

Victoria recalled stumbling over Isabel's bag on the train from Cornwall to Toronto, realizing that she had tripped on what would be the weapons that killed her ex-boyfriend.

"I came out of Aaron's hotel room well disguised, but Fabio, Harley and Lindsay (while not seeing me), smelled my perfume. I had to kill them to cover my tracks."

Lindsay shouted, "HA! And you could not kill the 1 person on Aaron's guest list older than Robomom, could you? Sorry Elizabeth"

Elizabeth Bowman was still too much in shock to notice the slight jab aimed at her expense. Isabel continued her confession:

"You were right with John. He was expendable once you guys figured out he was innocent. Charles was actually offered Yfe membership years ago. He declined, he had to go. And as for Tamara, she had messaged us saying she was leaving the Yfeniverse for the Cult of Aaron. I had to kill her too."

"Well that takes care of the murders. But what about the Wedding ring and the safety deposit boxes?"

"I am not without my vanity. Jewellery and money are a girl's friend."

"Not where you are going. One last thing: Why did you tattoo number 2's on the victims?"

"Number 2's?"

"Yes, why did you tattoo them onto the victims?"

"I did not exactly have time to tattoo anything on anyone."

Aaron Langemann somehow knew that while Isabel Foster killed six people and tried to steal whatever she could…she was not lying about not tattooing everyone. One of the police officers than asked Aaron L. "Is it ok if we do our jobs now and take Isabel Foster into custody?"

"Yes. I suppose the tattoos will remain a mystery forever."

2 police officers grabbed Isabel and escorted her out of the room, reading her her rights. Just as they finished Isabel was able to stop dead in her tracks despite the strength of the police officers, staring directly at Holly, wondering how 1 of the yfe family could transcend the cult-like programming the band, its' staff and its fans engaged in amongst each other. Isabel wondered if Holly had broken the programming completely, just as Aaron Collins did.

"Come on Holly. I will recant my confession; you will take the blame for the crimes. You could save Yfe; you could be Yfe's greatest hero."

Holly stared at her former friend…her former sister, with total indifference. "I am so sorry Isabel, for I am now and forever shall be…in the Cult of Aaron." and spat on Isabel before she let the police continue to take her away.

Ida glared at Holly and Aaron L. and asked, "May I take the lead now?"

Holly and Aaron L. nodded, "By all means." declared both at once.

"Thank you. ATTENTION EVERYONE? This is now the vacation for my ex-husband's funeral. We will do all of the activities on Aaron's original schedule, but at a brisker pace to accommodate the time needed for Aaron's funeral services. Anyone who wishes to leave now because they are too sad to attend, can say so now and I will take care of everything needed to get you home early and safely. I will also be covering the funerals for Fabio, Harley, John, Charles and Tamara in their respective parts of the world. So…anyone want to leave now?"

The crowd gathered into uneven groups and a few on their own, briefly discussing their options at hand. After about 5 minutes, a select few of them took 1 step forward and took turns announcing everyone's intentions.

"My name is Susan Rhodes, and on behalf of Aaron's friends from School we are all going to stay."

"My name is Justin Welsh, and on behalf of Aaron's friend from the Cmk we are all going to stay."

"My name is Allan Mcninch, and on behalf of the people who loved Aaron in Vancouver, we are both going to stay."

"My name is Jason, as the sole Rover, I am going to stay."

"I am Aaron's mom and despite my current condition, I am going to stay."

One of the staff spoke leaned his head inside the ballroom from the main entrance before it was the next representative, "Ms. Collins, an ambulance is here for you." 2 emergency medical technicians entered the room with a gurney. With their help, Lindsay got on it and was carted outside. Holly whispered in Ida's ear, "Ida, you miscarried not long ago. You should probably go to the hospital too. Do not worry, Aaron L. and I can be in charge until you get back."

Ida nodded in agreement, "I will be back as soon as I can."

Ida caught up to the technicians who had Lindsay and whispered in 1 of their ears her situation. The technician nodded and let her ride in the ambulance with her mother in-law. The representatives continued:

"My name is Rob Wilkinson, as the only digital underground guy who is not dangerously genre savvy, I am going to stay."

"My name is Sherry Ripa, as the only friend of Aaron's from the Pirana Poker Tour, I am going to stay."

"My name is Victoria Nicole Barden. As the only person who dated Aaron but did not marry him, I am going to stay."

"My name is Andrey Iskanov, and on behalf of the 2 people Aaron knew from Khabarovsk, we are going to stay."

"My name is Chiara Malvestiti, and as the only Italian left alive and despite needing to bury my husband, I am going to stay."

"My name is Corrine Thain and as the only derby chick, I am going to stay."

"My name is Gregg Davis. As Aaron's straightedge guru, I am going to stay."

"My name is Jen Lemons and as the only person still connected to Aaron via the defunct rock band Ill of Day, I am going to stay."

"My name is Karl Lean, and on behalf of all the Temujin members and fans…those being Megan and myself, we are going to stay."

"My name is Phoenix Christa Elliott, and as I am the only one from Sasaskatchewan, I am going to stay."

"And last but not least, my name is Jess Felix. And on behalf of the Yfeniverse, we are all going to stay. Furthermore, we are all deeply sorry for one of our own, a member of the band no less, committing such horrible atrocities."

Though the tones of voices and context varied, it gave Aaron L. and Holly a sense of hope and joy. That despite everyone not having a perfect bond with the first victim, they all cared enough to stay for his funeral. To celebrate his life amongst his closest friends and family no matter where they came from. It may not be everything, but for that moment, it was enough. Aaron L. and Holly then joined the rest as they went over the schedule Aaron Collins had made and made the appropriate adjustments to fit in a funeral yet not lose anything else. If Aaron Collins could only have seen his greatest wish, that of social crossover finally be realized.

Chapter 17: The Funeral of Aaron Collins - Meadowvale Cemetery - Mississauga, Ontario

April 25th, 2018 - It had been 4 days since Isabel Foster was carted off to jail. Lindsay had an arthroscopic scan of her knee (no MRI is possible as she had metal scattered throughout her body) and it was negative save for a LOT of swelling. Ida had no lasting physical damage from her miscarriage, but her manner since showed her inner trauma. Everyone was dressed as appropriately as they could for a last minute ceremony (they had allowed everyone to go shopping for something nice in black to wear), anxiously awaiting the arrival of Aaron's body. When Ida finally wheeled her husband out (revealing an urn), half of the crowd expressed shock in some, the other half did not. Surprisingly, not many people cried at this funeral. It was as if they were afraid it would upset Aaron from beyond the grave somehow. Ida took the podium and quietly announced: "In accordance to my husband's wishes, will everyone line up single file in front of the urn to say goodbye?"

Everyone did as they asked, and out of respect to Ida, each person kept their farewells brief. Many believed that is what Aaron wanted. After the last person (Isaac Tong, oddly enough) spoke their peace, Ida went back to the podium and began speaking the eulogy:

My husband, Aaron Christopher Collins, was told long ago by "professionals" that he would not live to see 15 years old. That because of his mind, his conditions would drive him to end his own life either by accident or by design. And while everyone should be proud of the fact that he beat the odds by exactly 2 decades, 35 years of age is still way too short a time to live in this earth. He deserved a full life, with his wife, with future offspring, and most importantly all of you sitting here today. Still, one has to recall Aaron as a man with many goals who got see a lot of them through on his own terms, even if it met some discomfort in learning social paradigms his brain could not process. And that is just 1 reason why we shall love him and forever remember him. Thank you, in accordance to Aaron's will all religion must remain out of this ceremony but if anyone would like to say something, I will open the floor for them to do so.

That was when the tears began, from Robbie Mawson, Aaron's favourite cousin. The sad irony hit Robbie that despite his fight with brain cancer, he had outlived a cousin nearly 20 years younger than him that he considered his son. Isaac Tong took the podium second:

Everyone who knows of me expects me to be the stoic one. But today I cannot be, as I was not aware enough of the medium of life to stop this from happening. I am sorry old friend; I will see you down the road apiece.

Next up was Justin Draper Welsh, technically the only member of the Cmk who knew Aaron pre-2005:

Oh what can this strange device be, I am of course, referring to your urn Aaron. I expect those who die before the age of 40 to be rock stars or those in the third world without adequate medical care. Not Aaron, and not by the hand of a pretentious CUNT like a band member who could not allow such a free spirit to break the shackles of what was required to be in their "family" and I use that term loosely, and I am not sorry to the yfeniverse for feeling that way. Save me a donut at the afterlife's Time Horton's, ok boss?

Next to take the podium was Lindsay, Aaron's mom:

My son was not perfect. In fact he was flawed enough where I thought that by telling him that I preferred his sister over him, would motivate him somehow to be a better person. Instead he became a billionaire who made me get on my knees and beg to remain in his life. I had that coming, he resented me for not aborting him, those who knew him knew that he only lived his life the way he did so that he could leave the earth as quickly as he could. Well son, you got your wish. The human race was a burden to you, and now you are free of it. Congratulations Aaron.

Surprisingly, no one blamed her for that speech. Everyone knew that Aaron's family was the source of much of his hatred to be alive, and they forgave her instantly. Next up was Gregg Davis:

Aaron Collins was a prime example of what straightedge was supposed to be, but that is not what I will remember him for. I will remember him for being willing to take a chance, whether it be in quitting his addictions, or listening to a band that an HMV employee was a drummer of. His own psyche never wanted to be the life of the party, but in the few parties we both attended, he was. He was with his mind, and his own quirky charm. In fact, I think we can all agree that he is going heads-up in no-limit hold 'em with Stu Ungar in front of only an audience of whoever is running what Aaron would call the multiverse. Thank you everyone.

Gregg sat back down, but Jess Felix rose up to speak:

Justin…well…to the entire cult of Aaron, the yfeniverse now realizes that you had every right to hate us. You were truly the better group, as none of you could have killed him. I was one of only a few in the yfeniverse to know Aaron was right to rebel against us. As I said a few days ago, the yfeniverse is VERY sorry one of our own did this. But in the days that have passed, it did not matter what part of Aaron's life we were from, we were all celebrating Aaron as one. If you wish to paint the yfeniverse with the same brush, that is your right. I for one would rather have Aaron alive and us fighting than this sequence of events. I knew Aaron the most intimately in the yfeniverse, and may very well have been the first to figure out that Aaron was a better person when he was left alone. Aaron, dear brother, the yfeniverse will leave you alone. We are so sorry for this happening to you.

Jess left the podium, Justin walked up to her and expressed forgiveness. "We cannot hate a group for the actions of one. That is the root of racism and I will not be a part of that. None of us will." spoke Justin. The Cult of Aaron nodded, accepting the yfeniverse. Jess smiled, satisfied that no more fighting would take place between Aaron's friends ever again. That their truce since Aaron's murder was in fact, permanent. No one else took the podium that day, so they were off to the reception. It was catered by Pizza Pizza, specifically the one at Avondale Mall, less than 1 block from Aaron's childhood home. Bread was broken, laughter and hugs were shared, there was even an awkward music ceremony performed by Buckethead and Apocalyptica, playing a song called "For Aaron" that will never be on any of their well over 200 releases between them. To cap off the evening, Lindsay, Aaron L., Holly and Ida shared a group hug as a symbol of peace.

After the memorial ceremony concluded, everyone returned to the hotel except for Lindsay, Aaron Langemann, Ida and Holly. They stayed behind to clean up the 609 branch of the Royal Canadian Legion, along with the staff. Ida announced that she would be returning to Boston after everyone left Toronto. There was nothing left for her in Canada, and she needed some peace and quiet. Surprisingly, no one (including Lindsay) tried to talk Ida out of it. After everything was finished, Ida called a limousine service to take them back to Toronto. It arrived shortly thereafter and all 4 got inside. Lindsay looked at the others and asked, "Do you guys mind if I turn on the TV? I could use the distraction."

Aaron L., Holly and Ida shook their heads, to suggest that they needed the distraction as well. Lindsay turned it on and switched over to the local news, wanting to know what happened across the globe while they were brought together by murder.

"…And in other news today, a probe launched into several private companies revealed that only Aaron Collins Enterprises was putting out clones of human beings and quietly releasing them into the general public. But further investigation showed that by tattooing the number 2 onto the clones, no laws were technically broken in the constitution of human cloning signed by all nations of the world 2 years ago today…"

Aaron L., Holly and Ida simultaneously recalled all of the murder victims, all of them bound by the number 2 tattooed on their bodies somewhere. Holly stated the obvious:

"They were only clones; all of our friends are not dead."

The TV changed from the news to white noise…then to Aaron Collins on the screen, staring at them.

"The taking of a clone is still the taking of a life, Holly. In 2 minutes, a prison guard is going to tell Isabel that she only killed copies of her intended targets and that she will serve…oh I do not know…about 8 consecutive life sentences in the name of her own futility. Especially when Alex tells her that due to her own stupidity, Your Favorite Enemies will go on without her. They will likely denounce what she did publicly, while privately regretting the day that they ever met me, their greatest outlaw."

Aaron Langemann started scratching his head, "Um…Aaron C….As I understand human cloning, you can only grow them as foetuses. That they have to age 1 day at a time, like the rest of life on Earth."

"Until a couple of weeks ago Aaron L., you were correct, but my company recently developed a serum that…speeds up the process…unfortunately, we cannot reverse the serum once we inject it. So even if Isabel had not killed anyone, they would die of rapid aging after a few days. Picture if you will, the death of Nazi sympathizer Donovan from the movie Indiana Jones and the last crusade. He drank from the wrong grail and…well…"

It was now Lindsay's turn to speak, "But how did you switch everyone? You are not exactly a strong weightlifter"

"Oh I admit it mom, I did not do it alone. Ricky texted me on the plane from New York while I was on the Go train. In between excusing myself from my own entourage and speaking with you Ida, I called my company, asked them if they had my DNA on file, and when they answered that they had everyone's (do not ask me how), I told them to make another me and inject the rapid aging serum directly into the foetus. I will concede that I was not perfect in my calculation in regards to timing, but after Ricky and I made the switch, we stashed the clone of me in my room. Amazingly, he did not object to letting Isabel kill him once we told him he was just a copy. It was like he had a bigger death wish than I did. But I was close enough in my math that none of you knew the difference. Ricky and I then followed Isabel closely and switched all of her targets with clones. We gave the originals tranquilizers good enough for days, then snuck the unconscious originals onto the private plane Ricky 'borrowed' during the chaos of the police and technicians. Ricky is actually a volunteer firefighter in his spare time, so he knows how slowly rescue services think. From there we have been dropping off the originals in their homes, where all of you will find them when you head home. Harley and John will return to wrestling, Fabio and Chiara will make a new Crysalys album, Charles will return to a quiet life in Brampton, and Tamara will enjoy grandmotherhood. And none of them will be the wiser until long after Ricky and I return the plane."

Ida smiled, "So you are in New York City? I can come get you and we can run off together?"

"Not so fast Ida. See, I took the liberty of putting all of my money into a Swiss bank account under the name of Randall Stephens. I have all of the proper I.D.'s for him as well, a fitting homage to Shawshank Redemption, is it not? Anyways, over the course of Ricky and I covertly switching everyone with clones, we discovered that you were with child. Well Ida, I secretly had a vasectomy done 18 months before you and I had sex for the first time, as I do not wish to pass on my autism to the next generation. Now you can hang on to the remote chance of that surgery failing, but I think that you can make things easy on yourself by just admitting who the REAL father would have been. Had you not lost the baby, of course."

"It was still you Aaron, I had sex with no one else but you."

Aaron began laughing, "Stop looking away from the TV dear, even I picked up on THAT poker tell."

Ida sighed, "It was either Jeff or Alex from Your Favorite Enemies. You had a really bad anxiety attack at the 2018 Canadian music fest and I was vulnerable. They seduced me."

"Sadly, I am not surprised it was them. I wish I could forgive you but as that transgression happened after you signed the prenuptial agreement, our marriage is null and void. So good luck trying to get your piece of my estate in court. Especially since I am 'dead' and all of my money will be off the grid before you can even get a lawyer."

"And if I expose that you faked your death?"

"With 198 billion dollars, how easy will it be for me to be in a country without extradition treaties back to Canada or the United states? Fuck, I could buy my own country if I really had to. But ultimately, my 35th birthday present to myself will be to use my 'murder' to disappear from all public life. This is what I have always wanted. Oh sure, I will likely be wished well by my friends as they want to see me happy (like they did when I turned off my Facebook and Twitter in 2013). But I have never bought it. Everyone I have ever known has wanted me to be a productive member of society and I have had to hold my contempt for all mankind to myself because of it."

They all stared at Ida, her secret exposed. Holly even had to stop herself from calling Ida a whore. Finally, Lindsay tried to use her power as Aaron's mother over him, "Mainstreaming you was right, Aaron."

"Mom, shut the fuck up. The only reason I am not going to have most of you in my family killed is because I do not wish to waste money on hiring hitmen for a group of people so pathetic."

Aaron Langemann tried another approach, "Ok, I get your hate over the yfeniverse. They were brainwashing little bastards who nearly broke your spirit for their own amusement, then tried to kill you when it failed and somewhere in between, manipulated your wife to cheat on you and impregnating her with a kid that was not yours. And I can even understand your hate of your family given that your mom openly prefers Jessica Gradziel to you and how everyone in your family is even more ignorant about what is best for you than the yfeniverse could ever be. But why not just cut them out of your life and keep in contact with the cult of Aaron?"

"Every clique I have ever been apart of has in some way tried to keep me as their own. Plus, my privacy as I get older gets more important than having any friends. The fact that I had to 'die' for you guys to get along is pathetic of all of you. Cult of Aaron is essentially a copy of my family, and the yfeniverse will always have their own agenda with me that they (like everything else) will never have the brain capacity to admit to. So I will now use my own invention to eliminate all traces of myself from the internet, starting a chain reaction that will lead to a paradise for me. Oh I am sure some of you will be upset when everyone realizes that none of you will ever find me again, but I imagine your indifference will lead you to not even miss me after only a few weeks."

Holly momentarily forgot her defection to the Cult of Aaron, and spoke as a member of the Yfeniverse, "Everyone needs friends Aaron. So what is it to be, us or them?"

Aaron Collins looked up at the sky for a moment, then started laughing, "Delete all traces I ever made of the Cult of Aaron, they lose you win. Delete all traces I was in the Yfeniverse, you lose they win. The more things change, the more they stay the name."

Lindsay whispered, "So what are you going to do?"

"Take a third option…disappear."

Aaron Collins took out his cell phone and pushed a few buttons, an alarm went off on Ida's cell phone. Ida looked shocked at her screen, "He has entered his deletion software. With no specific group targeted, he is less than 2 minutes away from erasing all records of himself from the entire planet." Ida went numb, knowing that not only was she no longer married but because her now ex-husband was going away and that her now being penniless was her own fault. Holly and Lindsay merely stared at the screen, while Aaron Langemann made one last ditch effort "Everything you have accomplished for the last 35 years will be finished. Your history…your way of life…you will have to start all over again."

"That is the whole point."

"For GOD'S SAKES AARON DO NOT DO THIS."

"I no longer have a name. To the cult of Aaron, the Yfeniverse and my family I say goodbye and FUCK YOU ALL."

All that they heard after that was the sounds of the TV returning to white noise. Lindsay, to her credit, was quite accepting.

"Well, we are all to blame for Aaron being so disillusioned with us."

Aaron Langemann and Holly Rapp nodded in agreement, while Ida was left even more alone in the world than her now ex-husband. Everyone Aaron Collins used to know will shun her for her infidelity, and no one else will ever be the same.

Of course, one should end the story on a somewhat happier note than this…

Aaron Collins smiled as the last of his records were erased, and he reached for a glass of water. As he drank, it became clear that due to the hot climate, desert sands and the undertones of the old west that surrounded him that he was in a secluded area on the outskirts of Dallas, Texas. Ricky Smith approached him knowing he would not be seen on the webcam Aaron just used.

"Are you finished erasing yourself?"

"Yes. You 7 are the only ones who know I exist. And despite my misanthropy for all mankind, it has been an honour to know you all."

Aaron and Ricky turned behind them and saw the other 6 they were talking about: Brandon Sheets, Dan Dotson, Laura Dotson, Mike Braiotta, Courtney Wagner and Joseph Pauletich. They were all smiling, knowing that they had just gotten away with betraying the A&E network in making a black op within a black op. But more importantly, they knew that their biggest fan was free. They shared a group hug, then broke off to tell Aaron the rest of the plan, starting with his original friend from Storage Wars, Brandon Sheets.

"Ricky is going to give you an envelope with all of Randall's stuff including a cashier's check."

"He already did, thank you Ricky."

"My pleasure sir."

"Mike, Courtney and Joseph will take the plane back to New York."

"I wish time would allow me more of itself to know you 3 better."

Joseph's smile grew bigger, "I could not have said it better myself."

Mike Braiotta gave Aaron a second hug and said, "You Hustled harder than anyone I know, enjoy retirement."

Aaron nodded, then noticed Courtney looking confused.

"Something wrong?"

"Well, you are single now, right?"

"Yes!?"

Courtney kissed him, long and passionately. "Humans are not as bad as you make them out to be."

"I know. I just let my contempt take the lead because it helped me with this great plan. Not as much as all of you of course."

Courtney's confusion did not go away, "So why do all of this?"

"Because I never had a choice to be socially active, someone always forced my hand. So I really do not think leaving public life is really that much to ask."

They nodded in agreement as Brandon Sheets raised his hand, "Um, excuse me? Can I finish what I was going to say, please? Thank you. Dan, Laura and I are going to drive you along the I-20 and the I-10 heading west to Los Angeles. We will keep an eye on your friends and when the last one is home we will give you a second envelope telling you where you are going."

"Will any of you be following me?"

"No, we do not even know where you are going except that it is not in a country inhabited by anyone who was at your birthday party. It was randomly selected by a computer none of us had direct access to with your specifications and the answer was deleted after it was printed."

Aaron was (for once in his life), satisfied. He said his goodbyes to the 3 New Yorkers (Mike, Joseph and Courtney as they, you know, had a plane to catch…and return home.), then goodbye to Ricky. Before finally getting a White hummer that was owned by Brandon's father Darrell. Aaron sat shotgun while Dan and Laura sat in the back. Aaron was happy to finally be in the physical company of Brandon Sheets as he was the one that began Aaron's associations with the Storage Wars way back in Christmas 2011. Aaron actually needed a minute to gather his thoughts, he was that happy. Still his curiosity was eternal:

"So, the journey is about 20 hours long?"

"Give or take 10 minutes, yes. I am driving until just after the I-20 merges with the I-10. Then we will stay somewhere overnight then Dan and Laura will drive the rest of the way."

"Under an assumed name, I presume?"

"Well yeah, you are dead and we are famous so we will bribe someone to look the other way. Very easy to do in Kent, Texas. Most of that town has never seen $1000."

Everyone laughed, not in mocking, but in their confidence that it is easier to hide in a small town than a big city…most of the time. Dan then turned his attention to Aaron:

"Was it all worth it?"

"To get to this great adventure, yet it was."

Laura then tapped Aaron on the shoulder, "What will you do when you get to your new home?"

"Get settled. New clothes, new lifestyle. A dream of being anonymous finally reached. Maybe I will sit down and right about the last few days. Then maybe write more fictitious adventures with each part of my past living in a different world that this one. I guess I need a pseudonym to maintain my reclusive life. Of course, Aaron Christopher Collins is a pseudonym now I suppose."

Epilogue: April 19th, 2083...My 100th birthday

I will not disclose where I am, as that would defeat everything I have been for just about 65 years. I have lived a quiet life, and could not be more happy. I am even the last survivor, which is ironic given my "murder". Due to genetic screening I was finally able to make non-autistic children, many of them actually. But I will not reveal who they are or even who the mother is as that would also destroy my privacy. I have aged well enough to come full circle that my friends (Cult of Aaron and Yfe alike) did have good intentions, I was just too screwed to give them what they needed so my privacy is still for the best. Having said that, I will reveal what happened to the major characters that caused my exile, as I did quietly observe them through the decades:

The Storage Wars 7, who helped me vanish, had the rogue elements of their A&E network indicted on conspiracy charges. They were then given the network as a symbolic apology. An apology they laugh at, as they took the secret of what really happened to me to their graves.

Ida returned to Boston, like she said she would. She tried to remain in contact with the Cult of Aaron and the Yfeniverse, but they hated her more than they hated Isabel. Ida killed herself on January 27th, 2021.

Aaron Langemann returned to Manila a national hero. He began a career as a private investigator and stayed with it for the rest of his life.

Holly Rapp started learning how to play guitar from her father, forming a progressive country band called my despised friends, she won several Grammy awards.

Isabel cut a deal with the Quebec court system and became a teacher of Christianity in the Canadian penal system. She knew she wrong to murder a fan of her music, and she was remorseful for the rest of her days. Even After she was pardoned due to an overcrowding of prison cells in late 2047, she headed north to a remote region of North Quebec in the Arctic Circle. I sent a letter to be buried with her simply saying I forgave her, and I forgave your favorite enemies.

Lindsay seemed happier with her eldest child gone, especially when none of her grandchildren had a recessive autism gene activate. She passed away peacefully in her sleep in 2049.

Harley and John became the Rock and Austin of the 2020's decade, headlining wrestling events all over the world and even in space.

Fabio and Chiara made a concept album about the murder of a socially withdrawn billionaire and the immediate aftermath. Gregg Davis, Karl Lean and Phoenix Christa re-located with their families to Italy to help the album get made.

Andrey and Frau returned to Russia, where the thrill of making horror movies under their government's nose was rewarded when Nails was re-done with a larger budget and broke box office records. Adam Debideen, Isaac Tong, Melinda Hughes and Susan Rhodes were cast in the 4 main roles, they took a small % of the gross in lieu of a salary and they all retired in luxury.

James Ford returned to Brampton and formed a theatre troupe with Charles, Damon, Justin, Kate and Krystal. They dominated the Rose theatre for decades in a variety of roles.

Allan got a grant from an Autism support group in Vancouver and started a limo driving business with his mom Laurie keeping the books. They became known as the most reliable limo company touching the Pacific Ocean.

Jason and Rob Wilkinson bought the 1 computer shop left in Newmarket and made a reputation of putting people before pennies (and metal above all).

Sherry re-located to Las Vegas and became the first female to win the main event of the World Series of Poker. A feat she achieved 4 times, along with 16 additional bracelets in side games.

Victoria returned to Canton, New York to find a suitcase with 100 million dollars in it on her bed. She never found out who gave it to her, and she never wanted to find out.

Corrine opened a derby training camp in Edmonton, with Jen and Megan becoming her business partners because they believed in Wytchy. Thousands of North American derby girls came and went over the years, they even won several awards for their work with battered and abused women.

Agnes took her knowledge of certain Dutch "freedoms", combined it with her experience at subway and opened "Agnes's Stoner Sandwich shop". You will never have munchies the same way twice was the most popular slogan in Europe briefly.

Catherine got a job as an interpreter for the United Nations office in New York City. The cast of Storage Wars: New York knew who she was and hired her as a cultural attaché whose job it was to appraise items of non-American origin, never telling her how they helped her friend escape the world.

Elizabeth more or less resumed the normal life she had before the murders. In fact, without your favorite enemies she devoted more of herself to the church (which earned her local and national respect).

Heather (tired of how unrealistic the competition was), wrote a cookbook on vegetarian Scottish cuisine. Within a year of publication she sold her recipes rights to Gordon Ramsay and Guy Fieri for millions, but became the least wealthy in her house when her daughter Aishy wrote a bunch of children's books about a reclusive pirate from a faraway land.

Jess Felix returned to New Jersey nearly bankrupt, then remembered enough from her time in Canada to bring French Canadian cuisine to the Jersey diner scene. The last I heard, Ryliegh is looking to give the place to one of her kids.

Julie got drunk 1 night and drew a new surgical procedure for her cancer on a cocktail napkin. When she woke up the next morning and realized her idea was not stupid, she showed it to some doctors. They tried it and she was miraculously cancer free from that day forward.

Laura did not live long after that trip to Toronto, but donated her body to scientists in Winnipeg. It was her exact pancreas that lead to the cure of diabetes. She was posthumously a co-winner of the Nobel Prize for medicine in 2042.

Marcel returned home to Germany and got a job teaching English at the same school he once had his friends in Your Favorite Enemies talk to via the internet, so many years ago.

Solveig retired to a quiet life of farming in Norway, introducing synthetic-free wool to the Scandinavian market for the first time in decades.

Tamara began a hobby of making Claymation versions of Big Bang Theory episodes. When 1 Youtube video she made went viral, they decided to hire her for the spin-off movie, Sheldonopolis. You know…instead of suing her brains out.

Tina realized that in the time since she left the cleaning industry that most of the cleaning companies in Kingston became a glorified front for prostitution. So she formed a legitimate, (sex-free) cleaning service, and made so much more money than her competition that she paid the police to actually do their job and arrest the prostitutes, thus eliminating her competition. Strangely, she was never sued for monopolistic practices.

Vanessa started a trend in Montreal called "Hockey gyms" which gave discounted memberships to people willing to work out while wearing hockey merchandise. You would think that the fires and riots started from people wearing Leafs and Bruins merchandise in Montreal would have run her out of business but she has become a national treasure.

And as for me, well, this is just the first story I wrote an epilogue for. But I do have 4 others almost ready to go. 1 for Yfe, 1 for the School/Cmk, 1 for Miscellaneous and 1 for Music/Film. Each one takes place in alternate history from the 1 you know. But will I ever release them? I think it is better if I leave the answer to that ambiguous as we draw a veil

The End?