*takes place around where the show is right now, season 5, so spoiler warning naturally*
*I had a dream last night and in that dream Diane and Alicia were having a secret affair. It was so natural in the dream, there was nothing to explain. I tried to write the beginning of it here and it makes a little bit of sense. I imagine that after Will they are both left bruised by his missing presence. He had been this pillar for them both, this strong presence that they both needed. With him gone they are both lonely and lost. No one seems to understand how much they both needed and wanted him to be there. Naturally, they both find comfort in one another now. Since no one else can even come close to understanding what they have both lost.*
Without Will
PART I
Peter just wouldn't stop.
"Have you been to see the pastor lately?"
"What?" Alicia was flummoxed. Up until two years ago Peter wouldn't set foot in a church and now he was forgetting altogether that his wife used to feel the same.
"I've made arrangements. Would you like to meet me?"
"Arrangements for what, Peter?"
"Chloe and me."
"Chloe?" She waited for what he was about to say. Peter had only been seeing Chloe for two weeks. At least, that's all she knew.
"We're looking."
"Looking for what?"
"A venue," Peter stressed, some anger in his voice.
"Oh…" Alicia said. She wasn't ready to think of him getting married but here he was just jumping at the chance. They had only been secretly divorced for a total of two weeks. It had only been TWO WEEKS.
"Alicia?" Peter's voice rang into her ears uninvited.
"I. I gotta go." Alicia said shortly, all emotion draining from her voice. She shook her head to try and erase what she had just heard. Looking down at her phone she saw the name Peter and clicked on the little END button.
He was truly insane.
By some chance coincidence Alicia was at the church. There was a client who fled to the big catholic church directly after witnessing a murder. Alicia couldn't tell if he was guilty or not but for now she couldn't wait and see.
When she heard Peter say he was heading to the church she had a rational urge to disappear.
"I-I'm sorry Mr. Dalton. That was my…" She hesitated. "It's a family matter." She decided. "I've got to get home."
She didn't care if she was about to lose the client. The client looked especially guilty and he had done nothing to prove his own innocence. She crossed the street and ran a few steps in her heels before her phone rang again.
"Hello?" She answered, not having the head to check for the name.
"Alicia? It's Diane."
"Yes, Diane!" She was excited to hear from her. Ever since Will, Diane was the only person who seemed as wrecked as she did. "I know your voice." Diane had that habit of always saying who she was at all times. Alicia knew it was a prominence thing, one of those things people do to establish themselves as truly exceptional professional lawyers and judges to be, but Diane also knew that she wished that with her Diane could just be Diane, like she had always been with Will. There was so much there she just didn't know.
"Can you talk? It's good to hear your voice." She paused. "Look, I'm sorry about before." There had been a mix-up. That exceptional weasel, Mr. Canning had tricked Diane into thinking Florrick/Agos was poaching clients again and after all they had been through Diane felt especially bad about the way she handled things. Not only did she doubt, she insulted and judged.
The truth of the matter was, Diane had jumped to conclusions and hurt the one person left in the world that she really fought not to hurt.
"Diane. I understand. You were played. It was Canning."
"That does not excuse my doubt. Alicia, ever since Will…" Her voice shook and cut off. At the mention of Will's name Alicia just stood by her car as if she could feel him about to return to earth. Every mention of his name, every mention made her heart stop.
"Diane?" Alicia asked after a long spell of dead air.
"Can we meet, Alicia?"
"Yes." Alicia said simply.
"Drinks?"
"I would love to."
"Alright, ten minutes?"
"I'll be there."
They hadn't been in contact lately. After that thing with the client poaching Diane had been laying low. Her own firm was trying to get rid of her, AGAIN.
Alicia rushed to their usual spot. She would be late but Diane wouldn't mind and she knew that.
Inside Diane had already ordered shots. They sat in front of her, four shots of tequila. They were high quality, top shelf, and Diane had an urge to just ask for the bottle. She knew this can of worms would only wriggle out of her.
When Alicia came in her heart skipped. There was that mysterious ex-lover of Will's. Will's college girl, Will's dream. Diane stared as she walked, she marveled at her now knowing how truly devoted to her Will had been. Ever since his death Diane knew that she too would be devoted. Ever since his death Diane knew that Alicia needed Will just as she herself had needed Will.
There was something between them now that neither of them could explain.
Diane stood, her heart pounding. "I'm so glad you came." She said, wrapping Alicia in a hearty hug.
"I'm glad too." Alicia admitted, hugging back.
They had both been needing this. They had both been needing to talk about the thing that no one else seemed to notice.
"I'm dying every day." Diane said, throwing herself back down into the seat and taking a shot.
"Oh, can I?" Alicia asked, pointing down at the shots before taking one.
"My guest," Diane nodded. They had been ordered for Alicia to take. They had been ordered in hopes of being accepted.
Alicia picked up a shot and took it while standing. She made a sour face as it went down.
"How are you?" Diane asked, raising a hand to Alicia's and holding it.
"I'm not good…" Alicia admitted, looking down into Diane's eyes, looking down and seeing that her feelings had a mirror. Neither of them should have to be alone.
Instead of speaking Diane just made a face, water pooled in her eyes and she moved to find her purse. If she cried now there would be a mess of mascara. Technology had gotten better but it hadn't transcended nature.
"Oh, don't!" Alicia threatened, "If you start, I've no chance of survival!" moving over and sitting down next to Diane, she grabbed her hand.
"It's not you, it's not you." Diane rushed to tell. "It's Will, it's always Will. He's between us. He's the reason we never could-" Every time Diane wanted to say something to Alicia she just couldn't. Something stopped her.
"And now?" Alicia asked. She was dazed already just from that one shot. She hadn't eaten all day.
"Now?" Diane scoffed happily. "Now it's just…"
"What?" Alicia searched.
"Foolish." Diane said, taking a shot and throwing it back. "I've been foolish."
"If you've been foolish I've been a head jester!"
"Ha!" Diane's laugh cackled.
Alicia picked up a shot and watched Diane closely as she drank it back.
"You're all I've got." Alicia said, a look of sadness in her eye. Through it all she refused to let go of Diane's hand.
"Oh, that can't be true!" Diane said. "You've got Peter and your kids."
"Nope. Not really," Alicia shook her head. She raised her hand and pointed at the empty shots. A waitress saw and rushed to fetch more. "Peter isn't mine. He's not even a friend anymore really."
"And the kids?"
"The kids?" Alicia laughed. "THEY GROW!" She almost yelled. "They're getting big now, they take care of themselves." Diane seemed to clasp at her hand now with both of her own. When Alicia talked every word seemed a well-kept secret. Diane drank up these little thoughts and cherished them greatly. They had taken so long to come out. Alicia stared.
"Oh great, I sound like one of those crazy mom's."
"Oh, come on, you sound human!" Diane said, letting go of Alicia's hand and taking a shot from the new batch the waitress had just brought. She held onto the waitresses hand "We need a bottle." She said desperately, lowering the waitress until she was looking straight into her eyes. The waitress nodded back and she looked a little scared. Alicia laughed.
"It's true thought. Peter just told me he's looking for venues." Alicia rolled her eyes, picking up another shot. She was going slower now, enjoying the buzz.
"Venues? What does that mean?"
"Churches." Alicia said. She wanted Diane to come to things as slowly as she had.
"Churches…" She thought. "OH NO!" Diane screamed.
"Oh yes."
"But you…" Diane thought.
"Two weeks."
"NO!"
"Yup."
"That dog!"
"It's fine. It's over."
"How are you…" Diane looked at Alicia and noticed how she looked the same.
"After all that's happened?"
"Certainly you have to be having some emotion."
"For Peter?" Alicia asked. She thought about it. "No. I'm dead inside." It was true. "With Peter it was always a fantasy. I thought Peter was the kind of man who could never cheat."
"Well, he is a man."
"No." Alicia said, sitting up. She leaned over the shots and moved to take her heel off because it had been bothering her beneath the table.
The waitress dropped a bottle of Patron at the table and a bowl of chips just in case. Diane pushed the chips away and went to open the patron.
"Just because Peter is a man doesn't mean he gets to be excused. Did you know I waited?"
"Excuse me?"
"I waited to, you know."
"You'll have to be a little more clear." Diane was too tipsy to jump to conclusions.
"When I came into Lockhart Gardner… I wanted-" She paused and shook. "Maybe I should stop drinking."
"Maybe you should drink more!" Diane laughed. Alicia took a shot and moved in her seat until she could speak more secretly.
"I wanted to, before the job. I wanted to sleep with Will."
"Well yeah, to get the job." Diane said, not thinking.
"No." Alicia said angered. "No." She was upset.
"Oh sweetie, there's nothing wrong with it. It's hard to find work for a talented woman."
"No. I mean. It wasn't like that." Alicia wanted her to know. "Diane. It wasn't like that. I know everyone thought I had slept with Will but we didn't. Not then."
"I know, he told me."
"You didn't believe him?" Alicia asked. She thought their bond was strong.
"Will lied."
"He did." Alicia laughed lightly, thinking back on the small things. "Wait, so you thought?"
"Does it matter?" Diane asked. Water under the bridge. That was all regrets and annoyances.
"Not really," Alicia shrugged.
"But you wanted to…" Diane brought it back.
"I wanted to." Alicia agreed. She had been sobered by the heavy talk. "I fantasized."
"You did eventually though."
"Yeah but that was after."
"After what?"
"I dunno," Alicia laughed. "After the job. After Peter had cheated."
"You're too good Alicia." Diane confessed.
"I cheated!" Alicia yelled.
"It's not cheating if you've already been hurt."
"Yeah, but I wanted to."
"So?" Diane asked, drinking again and refilling their shots.
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Alicia said, holding at her tummy.
"Wanna get a room?" Diane asked. At the time she hadn't thought about what they'd do with it. She thought, room service for sure. More booze. Maybe tv. Maybe a lot of secrets being spilt.
"Really?" Alicia asked. It hadn't even been in her mind that she could just get a room with another woman. Usually patrons at the bar only got rooms when they were about to go fuck.
"I dunno about you but I could do for some room service and hiding."
"Well that…" Alicia thought about it. "Yes." She said. "Yes. I want to get a room."
Diane busted up laughing.
"All so serious."
"Shut up!" Alicia said, hitting Diane with her hand and then raising it for a check.
"We need a room." Alicia said. "One room, one bed, high up preferably, AND WITH SECURITY!" They had all stayed in that hotel before. If you got a room on the top four floors then no one could just come see you. Diane took her hand again and squeezed it. She looked as if she had just gone through a war and survived. She was holding herself together rather poorly.
"I- I can't breathe sometimes." Diane said rather sadly.
"I can't sleep." Alicia admitted. She hadn't been able to sleep. She hadn't the will.
"Will…" they both sighed.
PART II
It was the middle of the day. Large rays of sun streamed through the wall-sized windows of their room on the 28th floor. Alicia rushed to the window, the light blinding her.
"You think they'd know that people come here to escape."
"Believe me, they know." Alicia said, walking to the window and shutting the curtains tight. She sat down on the bed and took off her shoes by the heel with her hands. "How long can one hide?" She asked, thinking of how nice it would be to disappear for a week.
"I once went three days." Diane jested. She wasn't lying but it felt like a joke. She stood and cracked her back, took her blazer off and ran a hand through her hair. "Shower?" She asked. It was the first thing one should think when in a hotel. There was a shower there and plenty of soap. They were there to hide and therefore they felt filty for absolutely no reason.
"Sounds good. I'm too lazy."
Alicia laid back on the bed. Diane felt defeated and went to the shower. She'd take a bath once seeing the size of the tub. And she'd lay in the bath with bubbles all around her while Alicia watched celebrity news in a sort of baffled state of surrender.
When Diane came out of the bathroom she was wrapped in one of the white complimentary robes provided by the hotel.
"Last time I saw that robe, Will was wearing it."
"You're kidding?" Diane said, sitting down and feeling foolish. She could easily dress but she had only her work clothes.
"We…" Alicia started, lying flat on her back and talking in a dead sort of way. "We came here a few times."
"Oh?" Diane was trying to pretend she didn't want to know everything. She wanted everything though. She wanted the details. She wanted to know where Will put his hands, who's idea it was, how long it took them to actually do it, and how long before the sex.
"It was like. Time stopped. You know?"
"Yes, I know," Diane lied. She had often dreamed of a life with Will. They had only gotten close once but Will didn't love her that way and she knew. He thought of her like an older sister and nothing more.
"Did you ever?" Alicia asked. When she wanted to know she would ask. Secrets weren't her thing but being tactful definitely was.
"No." Diane said. She was playing with her hair and thinking way too much. She sat down on her bed so that she could look straight at Alicia and be close to her in a way.
"Really…" Alicia said, not sure if she should believe it or not. "I always thought…"
"I know." Diane said. She had always wanted Alicia to think that her and Will had been something once.
"You were so close. He's only like that with…"
"Sometimes I thought he just wanted to be in control."
"Oh, Diane, he loved you."
"Yes, he appeared to. But it was always about power."
"With you both!" Alicia said. "Sorry…" She corrected. "I'm drunk."
"It's okay. You're not wrong." Diane got up and walked to the other side of Alicia's bed. She thought for a moment and then just laid down next to Alicia on her back. The bottle of Patron was right there on the bed and she still felt like losing herself.
Alicia felt a little better with Diane right there but she also felt nervous. They were both so honest all of a sudden.
"Will and I, we got off on the power." Diane confessed.
"I can see that." Alicia smiled over at her. She lifted the bottle and offered it to Diane who took it.
"There was no sex in it, sadly."
"But you wanted too."
"I did, yes."
"I wonder if that's what happened with Peter." Alicia mused. Diane didn't like the comparison. What Peter had done was just gross.
"Peter was a dolt!" Alicia laughed at that, her laugh was adorable and Diane couldn't help but smile.
"You know what I mean. He had the power. That woman didn't. He could tell her to do things and feel justified and powerful. And she would just let him."
"Yeah and what about you."
"It was never about power." She was sure.
"What then. What did it for you."
"He was my guy. He was the one."
"And Will."
"Will was the bad boy. You know that." She had often heard the jokes about Saint Alicia.
"Bad boy, maybe for you." Diane gave.
"You know what it's like when you have a crush on one of your brother's friends?"
"Oh yeah." Diane confessed, drinking slowly from the tequila bottle.
"Will was like that. He was like that guy I just couldn't escape. I'd see him everywhere, he was everything I thought I didn't want. But he was this gentleman, this forever guy who I kept seeing."
"He was your prince."
"I wouldn't go that far."
"Oh, come on. He saved you from Peter. He saved you from being destitute."
"I got me that job."
"He got you that job. Believe me, it was him."
"I could've survived without that job."
"True." Diane relented. Alicia wasn't skill-less in any way.
Diane had an urge to know now, she was loose enough to ask.
"Tell me about the sex."
"Oh no, should I? Is that weird?" Alicia would gush about it but it just seemed wrong.
"Please. We're two women who ditched work to play hooky in a hotel room with a bottle of tequila. I'm half naked and wearing a robe your ex-lover once wore. I don't think anything could be weird between us." She meant what she said.
"Sex with Will…" Alicia thought back. Flashes jumped up in her mind of those nights in the hotel room and those times in his car. "He knew how to touch me." She said sadly. "Peter's good at sex but with Will…" She went on. "He knew when to wait, you know? When to be soft."
"Mmm." Diane hummed. She was thinking of them two. How often did they have sex? How long had it gone on. She thought and it excited her. Alicia was attractive and she had seen Will in the throws. Imagining them together was sweet porn.
"It wasn't like college. He was sloppy in college. An inexperienced jock."
"In those cute little shorts." Diane laughed.
"Oh God, those shorts!" Alicia turned to Diane and held at her arm. They both looked so happy and for a moment it made them both sad. They were only happy because they had Will once, they both had him.
"It was like being with someone who was meant to touch you." Alicia said, she was looking into Diane's eyes and absentmindedly rubbing Diane's arm with her own soft fingers. "We'd be next to each other, like this, and the whole room would just shake. Everything screaming for us to touch while we didn't and we couldn't."
Diane felt her breath catch in her throat. The thought of Will and Alicia in an elevator or in a room, with all that tension and unresolved lust.
"I wish I could feel that." Diane gasped.
Surprising her, Alicia placed her hand on Diane's thigh and moved it up under her robe until it was on the top of her thigh in just the right spot. Without warning she just squeezed.
"It was like that." Alicia said, she watched Diane as her eyes seemed to jump with her body at that unexpected touch. Her body close to Diane's and her hand still just there.
"I-" Diane gasped.
Alicia looked at her now, her eyes sad and near tears. She dipped down to Diane's lips and just kissed them. Her lips were soft and the tequila tasted right on her tongue. Something in Diane's curiosity had incited her just to act. As she kissed and Diane let her, they both seemed to sink into one another and lose themselves in that kiss. They had never thought of it before, never thought of what it would be like to touch each other in just this way. It happened and it felt right, to them both. But Alicia hesitated, she had done something crazy and bold, something that could end their friendship after all they had been through.
Alicia broke herself off and rolled onto her back.
"I- I don't know what came over me." Alicia gasped breathing hard. She began to cry just there. "I- I'm so sorry. I'm a mess. You got the room and I was confused and you took a shower and then Will." She was panicking.
"Shhhh, shhhh," Diane said, rolling over and raising a hand to Alicia's lips. "It's okay." She calmed. She wanted Alicia to know that it was okay. She hadn't asked for it but it was okay. When Alicia looked calm enough, Diane laid her head on Alicia's shoulder and she held her just there.
Alicia cried, tears all over again. She laid her head on Diane's and cried loudly. Diane would be the first to hold her after Will. Peter had tried but she had pushed him away.
"Every time-" She tried to breathe. "Every-time I think I can't cry anymore."
"I know," Diane said, crying lighter, with little noise. She held on to Alicia and Alicia rested her hand on her wet hair. "I know."
After a long time Alicia's tears slowed and then stopped. Diane still held her and they both just breathed, slow there in the room.
Eventually, at around the same time, they both fell asleep.
They slept for hours. They hid for hours. Together. And finally, at peace.
THE END