Alone and Lost

Outside it was dark. The moon was behind the clouds. The stars, so small and so far away. Not an hour ago it rained. He was running toward the highway. The cold wind after the rain, made him feel alive and strong. A blond man, was waiting for him, in the middle of the highway. Facing him, from far way. With every step Dean took, the blond man came closer towards him. Like magnets. Seeing him again after two whole months felt great. He smiled a smiled, that reached his eyes. Dean looked like a child who set his first steps to Disneyland. Excited, nervous and happy at the same time. Has he ever felt like that he wasn´t sure.

„Everything is going," said Dean out of breath. „according the plan."

„Good." responsed the blond man.

Even hearing his deep voice, sounded like the best song to his ears. Dean wanted to touch him. Hold him in his arms or be hold by him. He starved to be touched. The warm feeling of a hand on his cheek. Two body´s pressing each other, so the hug can last longer. The last time Dean was so close to someone was Castiel. So close you could feel the person breathing. A closeness which made Dean uncomfortable at first, but soon he got used to it. Now Cass is in heaven, searching for his grace. Dean Winchester, the man he once saved from hell. For heavens purposes, was no one for Castiel.

Two hours ago Dean and Sam had a fight. Dean waited till Sam fall asleep and run away. Dean and the blond man had been working for months. When everything seemed lost for him. the two men found one another. He gave Dean what neither Sam nor anyone gave him. He gave him life. He gave Dean a life he never had. A life he never dared to wish. More than the year, he spent with Lisa and Ben. They made each other happy. Needed one another like mad. A strange but yet strong relationship bonded them. „What will you do now ? " Dean asked. It was time to separate. But neither of them were ready to leave. Dean run away for him. Left Sam and his car for him. He was not sure, if he could wait any longer. He had to be patient he told himself. For the first time in his life, someone needed him. As much as Dean did. Wanted him as much as Dean. Depended on him the same way Dean did. „I´am going to find Abaddon," he sounded determined. Abaddon never laid a finger upon him. Dean doubted she knew of his existence. He is going to find her for me Dean thought. „What about the other two ? " Dean was surprised to hear his voice go weak. Which made him angry. I´m not weak he said to himself. Winchesters aren´t weak. I need to be strong. I will be strong for us. Abaddon should fear us. Everyone on this god damm universe should fear us. In his eyes Dean could read the blond mans struggle. His hesitation to obvious. Their was nothing to be said words would just hurt. Leave a wound. So he just went without saying anything.

Months passed by upon searching for Dean. Everything that belonged to him, was left behind. Even the Impala, the car he loved. He just left, without a note or a call. Castiel was gone. Vanished like Dean. Crowley...who knows were he is. Metatron, Abaddon all of them gone. No angels and no Demons. Of course it was suspicious. Only it was Dean that mattered to Sam. Everything else had to wait. The brothers had a huge fight. Sam forgot the reason. This fight was different. Never had he witnessed, such an anger from Dean. It scared Sam. When he woke up in the next morning, the older brother was gone. One hour became two became three. Four and five. Sam was too stubborn to call earlier. But then he started to worry. Panicked nearly. Finally he dialed Deans number, waiting for him to pick up, but there was no responds. He called every mobile phone Dean had. He couldn´t stay still. For the second time he searched the whole bunker. No Dean he kept saying. A while later he called again and again but still no response. He couldn´t breath. As if the air was sucked out of his lungs. With large steps he went to the entrance door, opened it went outside.

Then he saw it. Dean´s car. Maybe he spent the night in it. Hope raised in him, a little smile tugged on his lips. He went towards the car, looked through the glass. But Dean was not inside his beloved car. The little smile gone. Dean would never leave without his car. Something was wrong. Had he finally snapped ? The mark of Cain effected him. As time passed, the influence the Mark had on Dean grew. His behavior shocked Sam. One day to another he stood infront of someone else. At first he was depressed, then desperate. His last state, how could you explain it ? Hatred, revenge, lust of power, the need to murder desperately.

„I´m going to kill them. I´m ging to kill them all." Dean said over and over. Something almost sounding from a movie. A stupid line. Whom was he referring to? Crowley ? No, he worked with Crowley and maybe still works. Them. All. Abaddon and Metatron where definitely on the list. But Sam couldn´t shake the feeling, that it was more than that. I was, I´am stupid. If I had asked, maybe their would be a track to follow.

He went crazy Sam thought. Every night, before he slept he prayed. Prayed after a long time again. Prayed to Castiel to find and cure his big brother. Castiel did not come. Once he said, Dean and I shared a profound bond. Where was he now? Was the profound bond a lie ? He prayed to god.

As expected god let him down. Maybe if Micheal was somewhere, he would pray for him too.

Dean was his vessel. Apocalypse over or not. Naive he became. Naive to think Micheal would help Dean. Micheal is locked in a pit with Lucifer. Sam recalled the times he was soulless. He did terrible things, things he regret and felt guilty for. Deans condition was worse. The mark was a part of him. A part he couldnt´t trow away, if he didn´t want it anymore. Questions after questions filled his head. What if it´s possible to control it. Would Dean care ? Would he try ? Unfortunately no answers for his questions. His head got heavier and started to hurt. Sam called Charlie and then Garth. Even they did not know were Dean was. Promised to call if they heard of him. Sheriff Milles tried to help without success. She was a great support for him and stayed at the bunker for a few days. He eventually sent her away, she would only hold him back. Other hunters never crossed his mind. Dean was not Dean. They would kill him. It was for the best Sam. Words they would whisper in his ears. Some day he might belive it. The day Jody Mills left Sam left too. He packed his stuff and went on a road trip to find Dean. I will apologize to him. I know he will come if I ask him to Sam thought. „I´m going to find you," he mumbled.

Road trips with Dean were different. Sometimes both of them were in good term. Lately both either ignored each other or didn´t speak, if it had nothing to do with the case. No brothers but business partners. Sam missed the Road trips with Dean. Dean on the wheel and he beside him. Some of Dean´s favorite music playing again and again. Sometimes Dean would sing along. Other times he convinced Sam to sing with him. Arguing about silly things. Fall asleep beside each other. To wake up from nightmares or restless sleep, relived to see Dean safe and sound asleep in the other bed. They should die together lying on a carpet covered in blood. Saying I love you for the first and last time. Then and only then the brothers be in peace. Sam was more alone and lost then Dean was. Dean had Charlie and Garth, Castiel and for a while Benny. Gadreel too even if all of it, was a lie. Mom, Dad, Ellen, Jo, Bobby and Kevin. As if everyone loved Dean more. Everyone but me. Adam would love him more too. Sam pulled the car over and started to cry. Overwhelmed of the fear not being able to find Dean. He missed his brother´s voice and how he always, treated him like a little child. His stupid jokes. Does he miss me too? Does he want me to find him ? Sam was still angry at Dean for not letting him go. He was ready, he wanted to die. But Dean grabbed and dragged him back in to a life he hated. Then everything started all over again. One lie turned into a big mistake that was a regretted. A mistake that Dean would do again. To not be alone. If only Sam knew. If only he would understand. Dean sacrificed so much for him. Sam may not want it, may not do the same but Dean would do it anyway. That was the kind of brother Dean was. His number one priority, his littel brother Sam. Dean a little boy of age 4 swore to himself to protect, to keep him from harm. Sam was Dean´s life his only reason to keep going. Sam pushed his anger aside and concentrated, on finding Dean harmed ore unharmed. Months passed by so fast and no calls from Garth and Charlie. Sam ignored Jody Milles calls. She only called because she was worried. The first time he thought, she found Dean or just a track. With every call, Sam lost a piece of hope. So he decided, to not pick up if she calls. Even Charlie knowledge of Hacking, let him down. Not to mention Garth´s falling in tracking Deans scent. Deans scent ended in Illinois near an abandoned factory. Dead fields on either sides of the factory and a never-ending road. „What would Dean do here ? " Sam asked more to himself then to Garth.

He decides to sleep in the Impala. Not having enough money, he chooses to spend it only on food, drinks and engine oil. Just when he smelled his own disgusting stench he booked a room. To get

himself clean and a two hours sleep and he be on the road again. In some way, the Impala calmed him. Some nights sleep was like an old but missed friend. Other nights he had nightmares. It was Dean he dreamt about. His brother lying in his own blood. He ran towards him as fast as he could, but every time he was too late, to save Dean. He hears Deans voice crying in pain. Dean hold on, hold on Dean he shouts. Dean never sees him, never hears his younger brothers voice. Waking up, he remembers ever detail of the dream. As if, it was real. As if, he didnt´t dream but saw, what will happen, if he finds Dean. That only scared him more. One night he coudn´t sleep. Softrock he thought always knocks me out. He turned the key and started the engine. A news sender catched his attention. „Man who killed several people for months, now in prison," said the man on the radio.

It was enough for him. Enough for him to drive all the way, to his hometown Lawrence,Kansas. The idea of this man being his brother did not cross his mind. Lately every bad news, would lead him to another state or city.

The cell was dark and empty like him. Jet he felt better than in years. Dean didn´t care what and who he left behind. The things he had done made him feel complete, made him whole. A feeling he never had in his life. The blood and screams, the pleading all this years he starved for them. Hungry he was. Some days he tortured and other days quick but painful he ended another valueless human life. Alister gave him a tasted in Hell. He became to enjoy it, but felt guilty, for the pleasure torturing gave him. He loved the smell of fear and pain. The agony his victims felt, satisfied him. Nothing he desired before felt so pure and good. So right. Clearly, he could still see his last victim. How his hands pressed his throat. How his pale face turned red. Red to purple and he let go. How the man coughed. How he tried to fill his lungs with air. He must have thought it was over. That Dean would spear his life. Dean let him live, with this thoughts. Just for a few minutes. When he decided that it was long enough. He grab the man´s neck and twisted it in the other direction. A man with dark hair. The same high as him. With a big nose and thick eyebrows. He worked as a mechanic. Dean´s choice of victims were never randomly. He tortured and killed people who resemble people he once knew. Dean recalled Illinois. A woman with light brown hair. A thief. Another woman with red hair. She was in a Behavior Medicine Center released for 4 hours before Dean kidnapped her. Two men one short with curly grey hair. Spent his life hiding. The second man tall and handsome pretends to be someone else. Four days four deaths. On the fifth day, Dean drove with a stolen car to Lawrence, Kansas. His victims were innocent. But all Dean saw, were faces of those he wanted dead. Dean the hunter became Dean the serial killer. All of it was a plan. Their plan. It´s coming near it´s end. „I will enjoy this", he said out loud and smiled a rather ugly smile. His handsome face... something about it changed. Something unpleasant lingered there and Dean hated it. He avoided mirrors. The door to his cell opened and one officer came in. An old man. His name Jim. Tall and proud he stood. No fear in his eyes. Show me your fear and I might spear you´re life. Words on Dean´s tongue.

„Winchester, you have a visitor," said the officer.

„Who ? " asked Dean with disinterested.

„Sam Winchester...claims to be your brother," replied the officer.

Sam. Sam, the name of his brother. A bad taste left on his tounge. Sam, Sam, Sam he repeated the name inside his head. I almost forgot him. He felt ashamed. He stood up of his uncomfortable bed and let the officer cuff his hands. Officer Jim, lead Dean to another room, far away from his cell. The officer opened a door and pushed Dean inside. Once he would say something sarcastic or stupid. A man. His back faced Dean. Slowly and unsure he went to tabel the man sat. The man abrupt stood from his chair and caused it to fall. He paid no mind his gaze on Dean. Tall, hair that ended at his neck. His green greyish eyes. Green flannel shirt. He seemed familiar. Sam Winchester officer Jim said but this man was not Sam. Sam was younger. He was 22 and not at his late twenties or whatever age he was. Sam had shorter hair. Compared to this man, Sam looked like a highschool student in his final year. Besides Sam was in Standford studying law. First or final year...he forgot. The man hugged Dean tight. Which surprised Dean but felt good at the same time. The embrace, the warmth. Still hugging Dean he said „ I thought I never see you again," even his voice sounded familiar. He let go of Dean and picked the lying chair up and sat on it. Waited for Dean to sit across of him. The room had to windows with grids, so not enough sunlight lightens the room. The air in the room was damp. The man started to ask questions one after another without breathing. Dean stared at him. What would a stranger want from him. The tall stranger, is he one of his man ? Is he testing me ? To be certain of my loyalty to him. But it can´t be true he had no man. It was just the two of them. Just you and me his voice echoed in Dean ears. „So...who are you ? " asked Dean. The tall stranger chuckled nervously and look away from Dean. Calmly he breathed in and out. He again asked questions. Questions like what was he after. Why had he get arrested for it. He knows me and that I hunt well, what I hunted. The species I´m after is different now.

„Did he send you ? " asked Dean.

„Send me ? Who ? " the tall stranger asked confused.

„My brother," Dean replied.

„What brother Dean ? I´am your only brother,"

„No, you are not," Dean said.

„What the hell are you talking about ? " asked the tall man with anger in his voice.

„I don´t know what kinda crazy yo-" the stranger interrupted Dean.

„Dean it´s me Sam," the stranger screamed.

Sam then knew, he understood. The mark of Cain played with Deans mind. Not only, had the mark give him strength and anger. But the mark used him like a doll. Made him someone he wasn´t. Dean would rather die then be this monster. Sam was a page maybe a chapter he threw in the trash. It was not Dean´s freewill of that Sam was sure. „Why did...you..." it was hard for him to say. „kill these people ?" Dean murdered more than four humans. Before Illinois he killed a single father in Ohio. 3 people in Mississippi, 5 in Delaware and 1 in Wyoming. 14 people. 14 people are dead. „To take revenge," he said simply. So simply was it for him ? To take revenge. Because of revenge but what revenge ? Innocent that was all, these men and women were. Victim of his big brothers rage and his hatred.

„Why them ? What made you choose them ?" looking anywhere but Dean.

„Don´t you see it Sam? Think. You are smart after all."

„I don´t know,"

„Anna, Bela, Dad, Lilith...ring any bells ?"

„No...no,no,no,no,"

He smiled „Yes."

Their conversation lasted lesser than on hour. Yes, the tall stranger was Sam. Sam his younger brother. However this Sam was not his Sam. Sam who was in College studying law. No, this was someone else. He was not 22 years old Sam. He might be similar in some way or another. But he was not Sam. Sam who left him for College. Sam who never once called. The Sam he missed. The Sam he was worried about. The Sam he dreamt about. Even in his dreams they were apart. Dean smiled his new ugly smile. He will never kill this Sam. Just seeing his sadness, his guilt and his tears made him satisfied. As if, he killed the younger one but without the loss of blood. Without getting his hands dirty. Dean loved so see this Sam suffer. He loved to see everyone suffer.

They made a monster. A monster who feasts and grows of killing. For the last time he looked in his brothers green eyes. Then carefully stood from his chair and left the room, without saying goodby. Not knowing, if he would come again. What Sam left behind was his older brother. A lost brother. Dean didn´t remember who he once was. So didn´t Sam. He drove back to the bunker. Which was a car drive about four hours. In the library, he found nothing. Nothing that could help Dean, to get rid of the mark. Just some myths about Cain and Abel, the knights of hell. A few pages about the

first blade but nothing about the mark of Cain. In moments like this, he wished Bobby was alive.

Their was nothing he could do for Dean. Dean he found but lost in prison. Castiel, Crowley, Metatron and Abaddon he had to find them too. Maybe then, he could gain some hope, for a way to save his brother.

A young man stood on a field. The same field, he stood a few year ago, when his life became hell.

He could see with his eyes and hear with his ears, but his body belong someone else. He hoped to be rescued from two men. Instead he burned and his soul was tormented. It felt like a life time but he still looked young. No more than 5 or so years older, when the one controlling his body, jump inside of a hole. He manged to free himself out of the pit. It took him years, more than he could count if he knew the number. He learned that time down there was quite different. An angel used his body as a vessel. He was now, the one to possess the angel. He spread and fluttered his wings. The wings were heavy but he would get used to them. Within seconds, he´ll be anywhere he wanted. It was past midnight when he appeared. Dean lie asleep in his cold cell. As if, he sensed the presence, his eyes opened. It was too dark, to make out who was in his cell. But Dean knew. Knew who came.

„Our plan, is coming near it´s end Dean,"

„Have you found her ? " Dean asked hopeful.

„Yes, she is waiting for us."Adam said and both disappeared in the dark.

The list was full of names. A list with names of those to suffer and die. Micheal and Lucifer paid already. Sam did too. Now it was Abaddon´s turn. Then Crowley and Metatron. Adam hoped that

maybe, Dean and him will learn to love one another. In the same way the brothers learned to trust each other. Dean and him. Just the too of them. Brother and brother. Both powerful but not human anymore. Against angels and demons. It was not love, that brought them together but revenge.

The end