Disclaimer: I don't own Christian, Syed or anything to do with Eastenders.
Author's Note: Thank you to my partner-in-crime, ET05, for the beta-read.
Syed knows he has made the right decision, he knows that he can't – and that he won't – live without Christian, but that doesn't mean that everything is fine. It hurts every time he walks past his mother and she blanks him, and every time his Dad stops talking to Jane mid-conversation because he and Christian have rounded the corner his heart sinks. He hates seeing Tam trying to fight his corner when his Mum or Dad catch sight of them because Tam shouldn't have to defend him – he's the older brother, he's the one who's supposed to stand up for Tamwar, to protect him and look after him, not the other way around.
He hates that every time he sees his Mum or Dad he thinks that maybe, just maybe, today might be the day the tune changes. Perhaps his Mum will smile at him when she sees him, or his Dad will nod his head at him in acknowledgement. Of course, today is no different to all the other days and he is not surprised when his mother runs out of the Minute Mart the second she sees him, head bowed and nappies left abandoned on the counter. The all-consuming pain he feels when he sees her never fails to surprise him and for a second his breath catches in his chest.
Denise is standing behind the counter, a look of concern on her face and as she opens her mouth to say something, Syed knows that he can't deal with any false reassurances or pitying statements just now. He turns and follows his mother out into the rain. She's nowhere in sight, and Syed is not surprised. He knows she's probably hiding around the corner, struggling to regain her composure before she goes home, conveniently forgetting to mention to her husband and her middle son about their (far too brief) encounter.
There are several options open to him. He can track her down and (hopefully) make her listen to him, even if it's just to say, "Hi, how are you and Dad?" He dismisses the idea almost instantly – in the unlikely event he can even get her to stand still he knows exactly what she'll say to him and it's a question that she will never like the answer to. "When are you coming home?"
And so he runs. He runs across the square, heedless of puddles that are splashing water up the legs of his jeans and only just avoiding crashing into Dot, her cries of "Slow down," and "Watch where you're going!" going unheard. He doesn't stop until he's standing outside the door to Christian's flat.
No, not Christian's flat - their flat.
He doesn't open the door, choosing instead to lean his head against the wood as he gets his breath back. After several seconds, he straightens his back and takes a deep breath, putting his mask in place. Christian worries about Syed constantly; he may not always vocalise his worry, but Syed can see it in the way he looks, acts and talks when they're out. Can see it in the way he runs his hands through Syed's hair and gently touches Syed's cheek when he thinks Syed is asleep, as if reassuring himself that he is actually there, that the body lying in his bed is not some sort of wishful hallucination. He doesn't want to add to Christian's concern if he can help it.
The second he steps through the door, Syed knows that it hasn't worked. One day he will remember that Christian can read him just as well as he can read Christian. Christian doesn't ask what's wrong because he knows, he always knows. In the time it takes Syed to remove his damp coat and throw it on the back of the nearest chair, Christian has put two plates of food down onto the dining table and is already moving towards Syed.
Harsh, crackly breaths break from Syed's chest as he buries his face in Christian's jumper, scrunching the material in his fists and taking comfort from the hand in his hair and just the general closeness of Christian.
Christian doesn't ask him if he's okay or about what's happened, and Syed is grateful for it. He loves Christian, but he wants his family too, and after all he's put Christian through – what he's still putting Christian through – he feels guilty that loving Christian is not enough. That it is never going to be enough.
Christian kisses him and tells him "it's okay," and that "they'll come around eventually." Syed's heart breaks all over again – they both know Christian is lying.
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