Miserable ...
Disclaimer: I do not own the InuYasha characters but I did create this story.
"..." Speaking
'...' Thoughts
I feel miserable. There is no other word I can find to describe how I feel. Miserable.
Ever feel like someone's punched you in the stomach while countless strangers point and laugh at you? They mock your fragility as blood begins to course from your broken nose and split lip, oozing to the ground your limp body rests on. Ever taste the salty sweet metallic texture of life blood as it begins to flood into your throat resulting in the sickly cough you cannot fight against? How about the bruises which begin to swell and color in horrendous hues? Don't forget the concussion in the back of your skull from being slammed into the pavement before the beating ever commenced. Pounding with each blow to your ribs, chins, back, ass, and random other bodily places. I know the heathens can see the tears leaking from these swollen eyes, reddened with fear and pain. Have I ever been beaten' as badly as this? No. Simply no. Though I've been staved up before during the quest for the jewel shards, my beating was not, were not physical. My beatings were psychological, emotional for the most part. Though I'm sure the pain is not so very different.
It doesn't take long for the fear to subside. For me, it doesn't take long for my body to be broken, but what's worse is that this time my spirit has been splintered. The thought of it being broken would be the death of me, but even I know it in my soul that it won't take much anymore before it gives out on me.
I have searched for salvation which has been rumored to "save your soul" or "regain what you've lost" or "lacked" and at one point I felt as if I finally found it. I have let my protective innocent walls around this battered heart of mine been torn down to find it now hardening and becoming chilled. I have experienced love. The wonderment of new emotions flooding this weak heart beating within my chest. I know what if feels like to drown in the bliss of soft lips caressing my own as abandoned dreams and hopes cascaded their possibilities before my closed eyes. Tears of joy and frustration released one by one with the need to feel happy. To love and suffer its loss was a cycle which came as second nature. The yearn for it being so strong and desired. Yes, I know what "love" feels like; and it is because of it, I chose to harden my heart. Letting it only beat mechanically to supply this worthless body of mine with the blood and oxygen it needs.
There's a man who I had once shared my entire soul with, (or tried to), for about a year and then some only to feel the twinge of pain and guilt seep into my subconscious. It was because of my feelings for him these emotions unearthed. I had disillusioned myself in thinking a relationship with him would work. He claimed to have been in love with me while I knew full well she was still consuming his heart. If it had been anyone else I saw go through the obvious hopeless romance novel scenario, I would have dumped his ass and gone home. Jewel be damned. Still, my desire to love and be loved was strong, and ignorance ruled out logic. What a tragic mistake to make to add to the many I had already made in this worthless life of mine.
I can still remember the night where the world crashed down around my shoulders. Why it was suddenly during the "relationship" eludes me to this day, but I remember it well. With one look in the mirror before bed one night while visiting home, I stared at my reflection. Had I really been crying while brushing my teeth? The puffy eye lids, blood shot eyes, soaked lashes and blotched red face had made it evident. I was stupid and played the fool. In the course of a year I had become someone I hated. I crawled in my own skin and decided a shower would do me good.
I was wrong. It just reminded me of him and how clean he always smelt when he held me. Touched me. Kissed me. So I wept until my head hurt and my knees gave out. I was in love and my heart ached because the love was false. I don't know how long I knelt there like that. Naked and drenched with water too hot for my skin and knees slightly scratched from the rough surface of the bath tub from my collapse. My body ached from being burned and darkened into a marvelous shade of red. Anything to cover my breaking heart was worth the pain. So I sat on my sorry ass with my bruising knees pressed against my chest and instinctively wrapped my arms protectively around my body rocking slowly back and forth. Nothing could make me feel whole that night and I had screamed out to nothing and no one. I was the only being in the house and so no one knew I sat there for over an hour just letting my flesh singe and my hair slip down the drain as time and time again I had grabbed my scalp and hair during fleeting fits of sobbing.
Didn't seem to matter how soft the towel felt against my skin or how the bathroom held the fragrance of berry scented shampoo and cheap body wash. Even with the familiarity of the wall tiles, the flooring, the toilet seat which hadn't changed since I started kindergarten, provided no amount of comfort that I could possibly feel that night.
I remember streaking my fingers down the steamed mirror allowing me to see a clean yet disheveled face through the claw-like streaks of condensation. A mess inside and out. Clearly visible. Strangely enough, as soon as it started it began to fade. I was relieved the pain and desperation faded and welcomed a new friend. "Numbness". I could have cut my skin with the dulling disposable razor which sat in the bathtub and feel a twinge of pain as it sliced into my flesh, but I wouldn't care. I doubted the physical pain would have lasted long, anyhow.
So I did the next despicable thing you could dream of. I began to laugh. I laughed like a mortal slowly giving way to psychotic realms that not even I could have contemplated my heart sinking into. Tears of futility streamed down my face and when those little bastards fell, let me say they were so beautiful to behold. I have changed. He has changed me. And for what? Jewel shards, to not be alone? I no longer care.
I cried, wept, sobbed in vain. It was all so pointless. Why the Hell would anyone care? Why should I have bothered fighting for a sense of feeling when deep in my mind, it was so easy to let the numbness seep into this body? Like those tears which stained my face, there was no reason. My love was not mine. He had always chosen the girl which I tried desperately not to hate. I vowed to live a life free of hatred towards anyone or thing besides Naraku. He had been the one to bring enough pain and tears to last a life time to so many others and there I stood feeling betrayed and used by another man. He robbed Kikyo and InuYasha their happiness, and because I showed up, screwed up, I now have to suffer the same fait of loss and heart ache.
Damn the male population and curse my moment of weakness! So there I stood laughing at myself. I had done it yet again. I trusted and I got hurt. Would you believe it? I felt sorry for myself in his arms so I allowed him access all those layers of walls around my heart and to allowed him to take them down one by one with each kiss, hug, nuzzle, caress… I still cringe at the filth of it all. The sweetness of the filth which propelled me into the position I am now in.
"Well InuYasha, you were right all along," I chuckled. "You knew I would always screw up at the beginning of it all, and look. I am a screw up. Has your little 'Jewel Detector' made you proud?" I could have slammed my fist into that mirror letting the shards fall around the sink and into my knuckle, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Why piss my mother of on top of all the other shit in my life? I didn't need her bombarding me questions of why I had done it, what possessed me into breaking the medicine cabinet and what psychologists office she was going to shove me into. No, it was bad enough I had my own unanswered questions. I always have loved her, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't face her disappointment so I did what could do: towel off and violently brush the knots out of my hair.
The walk down the short darkened hallway was quiet and getting to my bedroom door felt tiring. My knees ached and my chest throbbed with each shallow breath. I had a headache that was kneading itself firmly into my brain and crept into the back of my eyes. There had to be something to easy my mind and at that time I had hoped that music might feed my breaking spirit. I could feel my self breaking inside knowing that if I ever did break it would ultimately be my death.
Of all the rotten luck, why did I have to choose to trust? The familiar notions and imaginary sounds of bricks and construction floated to my ears as the crumbled wall around my emotional heart began it's new uprising. It would take a long time to become an impregnable fortress I knew, but damn it, it would be built again and never meant to fall! Love does not care who it has you fall for nor does it care who it hurts. It's wonderful when you have it. You feel as if you're invincible and nothing will take it away… until it's gone. Then it just hurts like fuck. I instantly felt lonely again not really knowing who I was anymore.
Standing by my open window the warm summer night air filtered into my bedroom. I was relieved he wasn't sitting on the ceil or perched in any surrounding trees. The door to the old beat up well house were firmly shut and undisturbed. 'Let him try to come for me tonight or tomorrow for that matter. I will not go back. Not until I'm ready.' Many thoughts similar to those coursed their way through my aching head as I stood there staring at the night sky. Would I ever go back? Was there a reason to? Exhaustion eventually claimed my body and I slumped my way over to the bed.
Didn't sleep much that night once I finally slid under the covers. Just laying there in the dark listening to the radio and held my eye lids closed. Wasn't hard. They were pretty much swollen shut as it was, though random strands of tears still passed through outer corners of my eyes.
I relished in the hopes of being fully numb the next morning, but I knew I wasn't to be so lucky. The whole hurtful and meaningless process would just continue. See him, feel used and guilty even though we were a "couple in love", and be subjected to the woe's of him and her. She'd come for him at random times and every time he left thinking we were all asleep, a piece of my heart cracked. He was never mine as he told me. His promises were empty besides protecting his faithful shard detector. That is my unspoken title after all: Kagome Higurashi, weak human jewel detecting miko.
After all, nothing was just that - nothing - and ever so steadily I became just that as sleep finally claimed me.
Yeah there's only one word I can think of to describe how I've felt for years.
Miserable.
~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~
How was it? Worth continuing? This was just something that popped into my head around two am in the morning. I've got another story going currently and that's the priority right now. If anyone would like to see this continue, I'll try to see what I can come up with. Please review if you have the time. Arigato.
-MC '^_^
Disclaimer: I do not own the InuYasha characters but I did create this story.
"..." Speaking
'...' Thoughts
I feel miserable. There is no other word I can find to describe how I feel. Miserable.
Ever feel like someone's punched you in the stomach while countless strangers point and laugh at you? They mock your fragility as blood begins to course from your broken nose and split lip, oozing to the ground your limp body rests on. Ever taste the salty sweet metallic texture of life blood as it begins to flood into your throat resulting in the sickly cough you cannot fight against? How about the bruises which begin to swell and color in horrendous hues? Don't forget the concussion in the back of your skull from being slammed into the pavement before the beating ever commenced. Pounding with each blow to your ribs, chins, back, ass, and random other bodily places. I know the heathens can see the tears leaking from these swollen eyes, reddened with fear and pain. Have I ever been beaten' as badly as this? No. Simply no. Though I've been staved up before during the quest for the jewel shards, my beating was not, were not physical. My beatings were psychological, emotional for the most part. Though I'm sure the pain is not so very different.
It doesn't take long for the fear to subside. For me, it doesn't take long for my body to be broken, but what's worse is that this time my spirit has been splintered. The thought of it being broken would be the death of me, but even I know it in my soul that it won't take much anymore before it gives out on me.
I have searched for salvation which has been rumored to "save your soul" or "regain what you've lost" or "lacked" and at one point I felt as if I finally found it. I have let my protective innocent walls around this battered heart of mine been torn down to find it now hardening and becoming chilled. I have experienced love. The wonderment of new emotions flooding this weak heart beating within my chest. I know what if feels like to drown in the bliss of soft lips caressing my own as abandoned dreams and hopes cascaded their possibilities before my closed eyes. Tears of joy and frustration released one by one with the need to feel happy. To love and suffer its loss was a cycle which came as second nature. The yearn for it being so strong and desired. Yes, I know what "love" feels like; and it is because of it, I chose to harden my heart. Letting it only beat mechanically to supply this worthless body of mine with the blood and oxygen it needs.
There's a man who I had once shared my entire soul with, (or tried to), for about a year and then some only to feel the twinge of pain and guilt seep into my subconscious. It was because of my feelings for him these emotions unearthed. I had disillusioned myself in thinking a relationship with him would work. He claimed to have been in love with me while I knew full well she was still consuming his heart. If it had been anyone else I saw go through the obvious hopeless romance novel scenario, I would have dumped his ass and gone home. Jewel be damned. Still, my desire to love and be loved was strong, and ignorance ruled out logic. What a tragic mistake to make to add to the many I had already made in this worthless life of mine.
I can still remember the night where the world crashed down around my shoulders. Why it was suddenly during the "relationship" eludes me to this day, but I remember it well. With one look in the mirror before bed one night while visiting home, I stared at my reflection. Had I really been crying while brushing my teeth? The puffy eye lids, blood shot eyes, soaked lashes and blotched red face had made it evident. I was stupid and played the fool. In the course of a year I had become someone I hated. I crawled in my own skin and decided a shower would do me good.
I was wrong. It just reminded me of him and how clean he always smelt when he held me. Touched me. Kissed me. So I wept until my head hurt and my knees gave out. I was in love and my heart ached because the love was false. I don't know how long I knelt there like that. Naked and drenched with water too hot for my skin and knees slightly scratched from the rough surface of the bath tub from my collapse. My body ached from being burned and darkened into a marvelous shade of red. Anything to cover my breaking heart was worth the pain. So I sat on my sorry ass with my bruising knees pressed against my chest and instinctively wrapped my arms protectively around my body rocking slowly back and forth. Nothing could make me feel whole that night and I had screamed out to nothing and no one. I was the only being in the house and so no one knew I sat there for over an hour just letting my flesh singe and my hair slip down the drain as time and time again I had grabbed my scalp and hair during fleeting fits of sobbing.
Didn't seem to matter how soft the towel felt against my skin or how the bathroom held the fragrance of berry scented shampoo and cheap body wash. Even with the familiarity of the wall tiles, the flooring, the toilet seat which hadn't changed since I started kindergarten, provided no amount of comfort that I could possibly feel that night.
I remember streaking my fingers down the steamed mirror allowing me to see a clean yet disheveled face through the claw-like streaks of condensation. A mess inside and out. Clearly visible. Strangely enough, as soon as it started it began to fade. I was relieved the pain and desperation faded and welcomed a new friend. "Numbness". I could have cut my skin with the dulling disposable razor which sat in the bathtub and feel a twinge of pain as it sliced into my flesh, but I wouldn't care. I doubted the physical pain would have lasted long, anyhow.
So I did the next despicable thing you could dream of. I began to laugh. I laughed like a mortal slowly giving way to psychotic realms that not even I could have contemplated my heart sinking into. Tears of futility streamed down my face and when those little bastards fell, let me say they were so beautiful to behold. I have changed. He has changed me. And for what? Jewel shards, to not be alone? I no longer care.
I cried, wept, sobbed in vain. It was all so pointless. Why the Hell would anyone care? Why should I have bothered fighting for a sense of feeling when deep in my mind, it was so easy to let the numbness seep into this body? Like those tears which stained my face, there was no reason. My love was not mine. He had always chosen the girl which I tried desperately not to hate. I vowed to live a life free of hatred towards anyone or thing besides Naraku. He had been the one to bring enough pain and tears to last a life time to so many others and there I stood feeling betrayed and used by another man. He robbed Kikyo and InuYasha their happiness, and because I showed up, screwed up, I now have to suffer the same fait of loss and heart ache.
Damn the male population and curse my moment of weakness! So there I stood laughing at myself. I had done it yet again. I trusted and I got hurt. Would you believe it? I felt sorry for myself in his arms so I allowed him access all those layers of walls around my heart and to allowed him to take them down one by one with each kiss, hug, nuzzle, caress… I still cringe at the filth of it all. The sweetness of the filth which propelled me into the position I am now in.
"Well InuYasha, you were right all along," I chuckled. "You knew I would always screw up at the beginning of it all, and look. I am a screw up. Has your little 'Jewel Detector' made you proud?" I could have slammed my fist into that mirror letting the shards fall around the sink and into my knuckle, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Why piss my mother of on top of all the other shit in my life? I didn't need her bombarding me questions of why I had done it, what possessed me into breaking the medicine cabinet and what psychologists office she was going to shove me into. No, it was bad enough I had my own unanswered questions. I always have loved her, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't face her disappointment so I did what could do: towel off and violently brush the knots out of my hair.
The walk down the short darkened hallway was quiet and getting to my bedroom door felt tiring. My knees ached and my chest throbbed with each shallow breath. I had a headache that was kneading itself firmly into my brain and crept into the back of my eyes. There had to be something to easy my mind and at that time I had hoped that music might feed my breaking spirit. I could feel my self breaking inside knowing that if I ever did break it would ultimately be my death.
Of all the rotten luck, why did I have to choose to trust? The familiar notions and imaginary sounds of bricks and construction floated to my ears as the crumbled wall around my emotional heart began it's new uprising. It would take a long time to become an impregnable fortress I knew, but damn it, it would be built again and never meant to fall! Love does not care who it has you fall for nor does it care who it hurts. It's wonderful when you have it. You feel as if you're invincible and nothing will take it away… until it's gone. Then it just hurts like fuck. I instantly felt lonely again not really knowing who I was anymore.
Standing by my open window the warm summer night air filtered into my bedroom. I was relieved he wasn't sitting on the ceil or perched in any surrounding trees. The door to the old beat up well house were firmly shut and undisturbed. 'Let him try to come for me tonight or tomorrow for that matter. I will not go back. Not until I'm ready.' Many thoughts similar to those coursed their way through my aching head as I stood there staring at the night sky. Would I ever go back? Was there a reason to? Exhaustion eventually claimed my body and I slumped my way over to the bed.
Didn't sleep much that night once I finally slid under the covers. Just laying there in the dark listening to the radio and held my eye lids closed. Wasn't hard. They were pretty much swollen shut as it was, though random strands of tears still passed through outer corners of my eyes.
I relished in the hopes of being fully numb the next morning, but I knew I wasn't to be so lucky. The whole hurtful and meaningless process would just continue. See him, feel used and guilty even though we were a "couple in love", and be subjected to the woe's of him and her. She'd come for him at random times and every time he left thinking we were all asleep, a piece of my heart cracked. He was never mine as he told me. His promises were empty besides protecting his faithful shard detector. That is my unspoken title after all: Kagome Higurashi, weak human jewel detecting miko.
After all, nothing was just that - nothing - and ever so steadily I became just that as sleep finally claimed me.
Yeah there's only one word I can think of to describe how I've felt for years.
Miserable.
~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~_*_~
How was it? Worth continuing? This was just something that popped into my head around two am in the morning. I've got another story going currently and that's the priority right now. If anyone would like to see this continue, I'll try to see what I can come up with. Please review if you have the time. Arigato.
-MC '^_^