A Week of Pain, a supernatural fanfic

A Week of Pain

With his hands at 10 and 2 just like he had been taught, Castiel kept a firm grip on the steering wheel of the impala. He was working a local case. It was probably a vampire's nest; nothing he couldn't handle. Castiel stared at the road in front of him, but he found it hard to focus. He had gone much too long without proper sleep, and the fatigue was catching up to him. He wanted to sleep, he really did, but sleeping with Dean gone seemed impossible.

It's been seven whole days, seven whole days
Since you paralyzed me
Seven whole days, seven whole days
Since you lost your fight
And I can't get the last words that you said,
Can't get those words out of my head.
Seven whole days, seven whole days
And four words

Castiel was completely human. He had no idea how it happened, but it had. His grace had been fading for months as he tried to help Dean overcome the Mark of Cain. Eventually, the grace was almost completely gone, but it wasn't killing him like before.

Dean never fully overcame the Mark of Cain. There was always something inside him that wanted to murder; that wanted to feel blood on his hands; that wanted death. Cain appeared one day and took the mark from Dean at last, but the aftermath was traumatic. Dean was fully himself again for the first time, and he felt guilt and pain unlike he had ever felt. Night terrors would wake him in the middle of the night. He would awaken screaming at himself to stop hurting people.

One night, Dean's screams were so loud that it was like a cry, a prayer, and Castiel appeared in his room. Castiel tried to comfort Dean, but Dean simply broke. For the first time since his father died, Dean cried without stopping. He held onto Castiel and screamed in guilt and agony. He repeated over and over the names of the innocent people whose lives he'd taken. Castiel tried to tell Dean that it wasn't his fault, and that it was all because of the mark.

"I just want to die," mumbled Dean through his sobs.

At that statement, Castiel felt his world collapse. He instantly felt like he had failed. He hadn't saved Dean like he intended to all along. Castiel gently pushed Dean back enough so the two men could look at each other. "Don't say things like that. Please, Dean."

Dean let more tears stream down his face. His words cracked as he tried to speak. "Cas, you don't understand. I keep hurting people. And I always end up hurting the people I love. And I…" Dean paused. He was so close to telling Castiel the truth, but he hesitated. Then, he forgot all his insecurities, he forgot all his worries, and he let it all out. "I love you, Castiel. I don't know how it happened but it did. I fell head over heels in love with you. You mean the world to me and I just don't know how to handle that when the people I love end up killed."

Castiel was speechless. He felt tears gathering in his eyes. Why was he crying? Angels didn't cry, ever. The only time Castiel had come close to crying was when he thought Dean was dead at Metatron's hand, and he refused to weep in front of that terrible angel. Castiel didn't know what to do, so he simply performed the only act of affection he knew well. He gently pressed his lips to Dean's and tugged the hunter closer.

Dean kissed Castiel back through his tears. He tried to keep his breathing under control, but he still hiccupped as he moved his lips in sync with Castiel's. After a minute he pulled away. "I love you so much."

"I love you more," said Castiel with a small smile. He had heard couples say "I love you more" back and forth time after time until one of them gave up, and decided to try it out.

Dean smiled for the first time in months as he said, "If you say so."

Castiel cried silently as he remembered that day. The one day of happiness he had before everything fell apart.

A few days later, Castiel, Dean, and Sam were working a case together. It was just a simple ghost case. All they needed to do was salt and burn the bones. As they searched the empty home for clues to help them find the burial location, the ghost appeared in front of them. Dean's eyes widened in horror as he realized that the person had been a victim of his own actions.

"Who are you?" asked Dean having no idea who the person was, and only knowing that he had killed them.

The spirit threw a lamp across the room angrily. "You don't even know my name! You don't even remember me! You killed me in a blind furry!" She pinned Dean to a wall with a dresser. Sam and Castiel shot at the spirit with rock salt, but she kept coming back. "You are the one that deserves to die!"

Dean began having flashbacks of all the lives he had taken. He saw all the crying faces, people begging for mercy. Suddenly, he stopped struggling. A single tear slipped down his cheek as he said, "I'm sorry."

That was the day Dean Winchester passed away. Sam had convinced himself that it was a hunting accident, and the ghost had simply succeeded in killing his brother, but Castiel knew better. Castiel knew Dean couldn't take the hurt anymore. And losing Dean was why Castiel was human. Something about Dean's death broke the last part of Castiel wasn't human. It broke the last part of him that made him an angel. All the emotion, the love, ache, and pain, broke him.

Sam couldn't bear to keep the impala, so Castiel asked to have it. Sam gave him the keys and disappeared.

It felt like an eternity had passed without Dean around, but Castiel knew it had only been a mere seven days.

And I can't get away from the burning pain
I lie awake.
And the fallen hero haunts my thoughts
How could you leave me this way

It's been seven whole days
Without your embrace
I want to see your face
I got some things to say
Was just a week ago
You said, "I love you boy."
I said, "I love you more."
Then a breath, a pause, you said
If you say so.
If you say so.
If you say so.
If you say so.

Pulling up to the police station, Castiel stepped out of the impala as he grabbed his fake FBI ID. He clung to it, as it was the same one that Dean had made for him all those years ago. He walked into the office and showed his badge as he asked to speak to the sheriff. Walking into the back room, he greeted the sheriff. "Sheriff, I'm agent Novak."

"Agent," said the sheriff. "I've heard about you and your work. You've helped a lot of people in these parts. Where's your partner?"

Castiel felt a sting in his stomach. He stared off for a moment trying to compose himself. "He passed away."

The sheriff's eyebrows knit. "I'm sorry to hear that."

Castiel's talk with the sheriff was brief, and he easily figured out the problem and the location of the nest. By the end of the day, the case was taken care of.

He drove back the bunker and parked the impala in the garage. Making his way up to Dean's room, he looked for Sam, but Sam wasn't back yet. Sam hadn't been back since his brother's death. Castiel walked slowly into Dean's room. He lay on the hunter's bed and stared at the phone that Dean used to use to talk to him all the time. He remembered all the times he'd call Dean with little random facts or findings that he thought were beautiful, and Dean put up with every single one of them.

It's been seven whole days, seven whole days
Since I heard the phone ring
Seven whole days, seven whole days
Since I heard your voice
And I can't get the last words that you say
Can't get those words out of my head
It's been seven whole days, seven whole days
Of pure hurt

And I can't get away from the burning pain
I lie awake
And the fallen hero haunts my thoughts
How could you leave me this way

Castiel let tears run down his face as he grieved. He thought throwing himself into case after case would keep him distracted, but nothing could heal the hole in his heart. The one person he loved was gone. Dean had been the only person Castiel ever truly loved. Dean taught him what love was. Castiel had learned that love was just as painful as it was joyful. It was sacrifice, it was fear. But it was beautiful. Castiel started hiccupping and struggling to breathe as he bawled. He had never cried so hard in his entire life. He had been human before, but he hadn't cried, he hadn't known true pain.

I can't believe it's true
I keep looking for you
I check my phone and wait
To hear from you.
In the crowded room
The joker is so cruel

And now I'll never know
If all I've been told
Is just a lie so bold
I thought we would grow old
Mirrors in the smoke
Left me here to choke

Castiel kept checking his cell phone over and over. Maybe it was all a terrible nightmare. He chucked his phone across the room. He knew all too well that it wasn't a nightmare. He knew he failed. He sat on the edge of the bed and held a picture frame close. He held the only picture of Dean he had close to his body as he wailed.

"Castiel?"

Castiel's head shot up. "Huh? Hannah?" he questioned, his words barely audible. He sat quietly hyperventilating from his lack of oxygen.

"Oh my god, Castiel!" exclaimed Hannah. She walked over to Castiel and held out her hand. Suddenly Castiel's breathing regulated and his tears dried. "I could hear your cries."

"You could?"

"You must not have realized that you were praying. Every angel in heaven heard you screaming," whispered Hannah. She thought maybe a quieter tone would help keep Castiel calm.

Castiel felt his cheeks warm. Every angel heard him. Every angel heard how human he had become. "I'm so sorry."

Hannah sat down next to Castiel and gingerly placed her hand on his knee. "It's okay. I heard. It…can't be easy."

"He knew for four days."

"What do you mean?"

Castiel sniffled. "He knew I loved him for four days. All these years I could have said something. And he only got to know for four days."

Hannah shifted uncomfortably. She didn't quite know how to comfort a grieving soul. "He's in heaven you know."

Castiel's eyes widened. "What? How? He was—"

"A demon, yes I know," said Hannah in a hushed tone again. She rubbed Castiel's knee. "There was just enough of his soul left to get him into heaven. And, there might have been some divine intervention on that part."

Castiel wasn't sure what Hannah meant, but all he said was, "Thank you."

Hannah smiled, "You know I could bend the rules. You could come see him, but only this one time. I can't bring your soul to heaven and back all the time. It could damage you."

Castiel thought about it for a minute. Of course he wanted to see Dean, but only once? What would he say? Would he only be more pained when he returned? He couldn't bear the pain he held currently. Then he remembered again when Dean said he loved him. More tears welled in his eyes causing Hannah to use her powers to calm him again. It did little to help. He just wanted to see Dean.

"I'll go," said Castiel. Hannah smiled and took Castiel's hand. Suddenly they were in a bar. The music was loud and there were strippers in every corner. Castiel knew they were certainly in Dean's heaven. He looked over and saw a different part of the heaven. Dean's friends were sitting outside all enjoying drinks and laughing. Dean was amongst them, his mother by his side. Castiel started walking towards Dean, and his pace quickly became a sprint.

"Dean!" he called out.

Dean looked up from his friends and spotted Castiel running towards him. He grinned and got up from his seat, "Cas!" Quickly he ran and hugged the former angel. "What are you doing here?"

Castiel sighed. "Hannah brought me here to see you. Apparently every angel heard me crying." Dean's eyes softened and his smile faded. "I've been broken without you. Why did you let that spirit kill you?"

Dean looked back at his friends, "I'll be back." He walked away with Castiel until everyone was out of ear shot. "Cas…I…I am so sorry… I couldn't take the hurt. And you're an angel; I didn't think you'd be hurt."

"I'm not an angel, Dean."

Dean's eyes widened, "What?"

"When you died, what was left of me was broken. I was shattered. I'm human now. I feel every ounce of guilt and pain for letting you lose your fight," said Castiel as he hugged Dean once more.

Dean returned the embrace. "I'm sorry, Cas."

Castiel pulled away, "I was thinking, I could come here too…if I died."

"Suicide?"

"What else do I have to live for?"

Dean took Castiel's hands. "There are a lot of people that need your help. You're stronger than me. I lost my fight because I was weak. I couldn't take it anymore. But you, you're so much stronger, Cas. Don't make the same mistake I did. I left you…and I left Sam. I did the thing I swore I would never do because of how much I was hurting. And I regret it every day. I need someone to be there for my little brother. So I'm asking you this, will you please find Sam, tell him I'm safe, and take care of him for me?"

Castiel gently kissed Dean, savoring the last time he'd get to kiss his hunter for a very long time. "I promise," he said after pulling away.

Dean smiled softly. "I love you."

"I love you more," said Castiel. He knew he truly loved Dean, and loved him enough to carry on through the pain. He would find Sam and the two of them would carry on for Dean. They would carry on for the man they loved. They would win their fights.

"If you say so," whispered Dean. And with that, Castiel was sent back to earth. Castiel didn't mourn any longer, because he knew he'd see Dean once again. Some day.

If you say so
If you say so
If you say so
If you say so

Thank you guys so much for reading! I know this one was kinda sad. I just heard another damn song by Lea Michelle, this one being called "If You Say So", which was used in this fic and I couldn't help it. But no matter what I hoped you enjoyed this. Please leave a review! And check out my other work if you liked this! Okay thanks guys! Bye bye~