AN: Just a quick oneshot to try and break my hiatus from writing.
The jet was silent as it flew somewhere over the Atlantic. The hard-won fight had been one of the tougher ones the team had encountered this year and its price was palpable in the air. Everyone felt a little differently and yet the same about fighting; about what happened on the field. Everyone dealt with it a little differently.
The bloodbath the fight had been was not the problem, hyped up civilian soldiers turned terrorists with access to plasma weapons did not weigh heavily on Lena. Seeing her teammates blown up time and time again was also not the problem. Truly, it was the dying that got to her. The strange limbo that everyone acknowledged but no one dared to talk about. She never knew how long she was stuck in that strange place, bursting out from her base as fast as she could to help her friends helped her pretend there was no lost time. Sitting still afterwards however always managed to let that strange feeling creep back in to her chest.
Lena considered her teammates as she chewed on the hardening piece of bubble gum. Zarya was leaned back in her seat, a headset firmly planted on her head as she tapped away at her phone. Lucio was sleeping, his own earbuds having fallen out blared techno music in to the quiet jet. Lena could faintly hear Winston in the cockpit talking quietly to Mercy. Closing her eyes, Lena focused on the sound of Winston and Mercy and willed herself to sleep.
Back at headquarters Lena filed in quietly from the jet with her teammates before making her way to her room. It was understood that the day after a fight was not for companionship. The strangeness of what had happened on the field wasn't something anyone could really shake off.
It was close to midnight when Lena crept out of her room, padding down the hall to the control room she could see the faint blue glow of the computers. She didn't use her accelerator to speed forward, choosing to walk quietly up to the desk where Winston was typing away with a bunch of zeroes and ones.
"Heya Winston," she said, moving to sit on the edge of his desk. He paused typing and turned towards her.
"Lena," He greeted.
"Can- can I ask you something Winston? It's okay if you don't want to answer." She blurted out.
Originally she had been unsure of what to say after 'hi'. Embarrassed she propped her head on her knees and wrapped her arms around herself.
"Sure, anything Lena." He replied, taking his glasses off and setting them down.
"That void we go to, you know, when we er-die. Does it scare you?" she asked, plunging on in to the conversation.
Winston was quiet for a minute.
"I suppose it does and it doesn't. Why do you ask?" he answered finally. Lena shifted on the desk.
"I always feel like I'm going to lose myself in that place. I can't feel much of anything in there. It's like I exist but just barely. I've tried to hit myself before in there, it was like either I didn't have arms or I didn't have a body. It scares me." She said "I always wonder if I'm going to come back or forget that I even exist in there."
They were quiet again. Winston pulled out a jar of peanut butter and a spoon, seemingly opening it and putting the spoon in with one smooth motion.
"I think we all feel like that sometimes. I think the Reaper would have more to offer on the subject than I do." He said at last, a few spoonfuls of peanut butter in to the jar.
"Oh," was all Lena managed to get out. Feeling at dismissed at the recommendation she sat up and made to slide off the table.
"Lena," Winston put a hand on her arm "that's not what I meant. I only wish I had more information to offer you. I've always found information to be power over fear."
"Oh, thanks Winston" Lena smiled at him then. It was certainly not one of her usual megawatt smiles but it was a real one.
Winston smiled back then quickly opened a drawer, seemingly remembering something important. It took a minute of shuffling around but he finally produced the tiniest jar of peanut butter she had ever seen. It was no bigger than her thumbnail.
"But, until we can really figure out what goes on in that place, you can hold on to this and let it remind you of your home here."
Lena grabbed it with a large smile on her face this time. Rolling the tiny jar around between her fingers.
"Thank you, Winston, I mean it. Really." She hopped off the desk and gave him a big hug that he partially returned.
"Of course, Lena. Anything." He said, putting his glasses back on.
She sped away from him then, using the accelerator until she was safely back in to her room. Eyeing the tiny jar of peanut butter, she wondered where to put it on her uniform so she wouldn't lose it.
If anyone noticed the jar hanging from the front zipper of her uniform, they didn't say anything and if the smile Lena had flashed at Winston after the next team fight was not enough, the gallon jar of peanut butter he found on his desk with an obnoxious orange bow on the top definitely was.