It was the day my Grandmother exploded. I sat in the crematorium listening to my Uncle Hamish quietly snoring in tune to Bach's Mass in B Minor, and I reflected on the fact that it always seems to be death that drew my family together. I looked at my Father sitting two rows away at the front line of seats in the cold echoing chapel. I could see his ears moving in slow circles, he was grinding his teeth, I could hear him in my mind complaining about Scottish people... My brother James sat on his left it was the first time in years I'd seen him, a) not with some bit of girl's clothing on, and b) without his iPod plugged in, and he looked distinctly uncomfortable, fiddling with his newly installed earring. To his right sat my mother, upright and trim, sporting a dramatic black hat shaped not unlike a flying saucer. The UFO dipped slightly as she said something to my father, and he briefly looked my way, smiling uncertainly.
"Emily" My Auntie Antonia sitting next to me, tapped on my shoulder, and pointed to my skirt as she murmured my name. I looked down.
I had dressed in something of hurry in the high cold spare room of my Aunt and Uncle's house, the floorboards had creaked, and my breath had smoked. There was ice inside the small dormer window. I pulled on a pair of black knickers (especially bought from M&S for the occasion) suitably huge, then what I'd thought were a basic pair of black tights (bought at the same time) only on opening them did I realise I'd bought hold-ups by mistake, the skirt I was intending on wearing was pretty short...Fuck. I continued to dress; black shirt, interview shoes, the look I was going for was understated demure, looking in the mirror what I got was sexually predatory waitress, the skirt only just clearing the tops of the hold-ups.
So I peered downwards, a good couple of inches of flesh between the hold ups and the bottom of the skirt, I wiggled in my seat, lifting my bum and pulling down. I whispered "Sorry, Auntie Tone" My aunt Antonia- a ball of pink rinsed hair above her black coat, like candy floss on a hearse patted my jacket "Don't worry dear, I doubt Margot would have minded"
"No" I nodded.
OoooO
I remembered the day I'd gone to see her 3 months ago, I'd smiled brightly "A turn around the grounds Gran?"
The courtyard was cobbled, and her wheelchair had bounced and jerked under my hands as I pushed her. She sighed heavily. "What is going on between you and that lovely girl? Naomi."
"We've fallen out Gran", I told her.
"I'm not stupid Emily, I can see that." She looked up at me, frail, but her eyes were still steely, fierce and grey, as they had always been.
"No Gran, I know you're not stupid"
"Well then?" she waved her stick towards the gardens just outside her grand house; I pointed the wheelchair down towards some large oaks. "Well then? She repeated.
I sighed "It's a matter of principle, Gran." I reached the oaks, parked her up, and sat on the bench. Looking around and seeing no-one; I reached into my bag for my cigarettes, offering one to her as well, she gratefully accepted. I lit hers first and we sat for a moment in a peaceful fug of smoke.
"Anyway what's all this nonsense about a matter of principle?"
I turned away, flicking ash onto the path, "Well...she's angry with me because I...we fell out over something a bit silly...we're both stubborn." I shrugged not daring to look at her. "She won't...well I won't...we're not talking, so...
Gran made a clucking noise with her mouth, "That's it?"
I nodded, glancing at her, "That's it Gran."
She seemed to accept my lack of any coherent reason, nodding to herself. She changed the subject. "You're managing to survive at University? You look thin."
"I'm managing fine. (I lied) On a grant (another lie) and a student loan, (yet another lie) and I'm doing some bar work" (Four in a row!) I couldn't get any work, and I'd had to sell Fraud Siesta, the world's most reluctantly starting car, people used to say it was battered, I insisted it had just come from a broken garage...Anyway that money was almost gone as well. She looked at me "Principles." She muttered under her breath.
OoooO
I looked the other way across the aisle of the small chapel, sitting next to Hamish was the stunning, the fabulous, the diamond eyed, golden haired Verity. A third step relative by marriage or some such nonsense. Such bliss to look. I feasted my eyes on that gracefully angular form, sat in black like me, looking...translucent, unlike me. Black skirt, black tights? Stockings? Oh my God, the sheer joy in imagining. And shivering, the slick material of her blouse trembling in the light from the dull panes overhead, black silk hanging in folds of shade from her breasts, quivering, I felt my eyes widening, I was just about to look away reckoning that I had gazed to the limits of decency, when the shaven -sided, crop haired head swivelled and lowered, her calm face turning my way. I saw those eyes shaded by heavy makeup blink slowly, she looked at me. Smiled, those diamond eyes marking me. Then the gaze moved on, and I turned away swallowing. Verity Walker. Eating my heart out, consuming my soul.
Bach's mass reached one of its coral climaxes. A wooden framed door slid back to block the hole the coffin had slid into, and a small purple curtain lowered itself over the doorway. The head honcho of the undertakers supervised us as we shuffled out of the chapel. Outside was a calmly sombre day, chill and slightly damp, I could smell leaves burning and I desperately wanted a cigarette. I stood and watched as the two sides of my family hated each other silently from either side of the small birch lined driveway. I thought about going over to talk to James, but he was already plugged back in, and the look from mother dearest told me that a storm was imminent if I tried to speak to her.
"Hi, Emily, you Ok?"
The voice was familiar, I turned around to see Thomas, and Panda strolling up the lane, I smiled broadly.
"Better for seeing you, Hi Panda."
"You just back for this?" Thomas asked nodding his head at the granite of the crematorium.
"Yeah, back to London on Monday"
"I was sorry to hear, Katie told us" Panda spoke for the first time.
I wasn't sure what to say "I'll miss her" I said eventually, I'd been trying not to think about it, ever since I'd heard.
"Heart attack, right?" Panda enquired
"No, she fell off a ladder" I said. "Clearing gutters, the ladder slipped and she went through the glass of the conservatory roof, she was dead by the time they got her to the hospital, shock from blood loss apparently."
"Oh, Katie said she'd had a heart attack. " Panda looked confused
"She did, a couple of years ago, had a pacemaker fitted." I nodded.
We slumped into a silence, Thomas suddenly perked up, "Oh, you were going to tell Emily about the guy you bumped into in that Jacuzzi in Berlin", he nodded to Panda.
She nodded remembering, then looking around, "Not here, later...fancy a pint later?"
"Well maybe", I nodded "I think I have to do drinks and loathing in the bosom of my family first, see you at eight? Keith's?
"Okie Dokie." Panda nodded.
"A Jacuzzi, I asked smiling at her and Thomas in turn. "In Berlin?"
"It's a shocking and decadent tale, "Panda winked at me, "but you'll be interested...Book matches. "
My eyebrows rose, and I looked seriously at her. "Night club book matches?"
"The very same."
We were disturbed by the sound of a car coming into the chapel too fast, at least 60, exceeding the speed limit by at least a factor of three, braking distance was running out fast. It missed Dad's car by inches as its nose dipped, and the rear wheels scrabbled for grip in the gravel, the car slewing wildly. A wild eyed Dr Fyfe, Gran's doctor leapt from the driver's seat. "Stop" he yelled, slamming the car door, and running towards the chapel, "Stop" he shouted again, a little un-necessarily I thought, as everyone had stopped whatever they were doing the moment his car had come screeching into the drive way. "Stop!"
It was at this point that I insist that I heard a muffled crump, nobody believes me, but that was when it happened.
"Ah!" said the good doctor stumbling just a little before he was caught by the head undertaker, "Ah!" he said again as he slid to the floor clutching at his chest, and to the assembled and still stunned crowd that gathered around him, he announced "I'm sorry, I believe I'm having a heart attack", and keeled over onto his back, nothing happened for a moment, then Panda nudged me in the back and said quietly, "There's a funny thing, eh?" then "Owww! Thomas!"
"Panda." Hissed Thomas, as he elbowed her in the ribs.
"Some-one call an ambulance", somebody shouted.
"Use the hearse." Shouted my father.
"Oh don't worry, I'm Ok." Said Panda, "it didn't really hurt."
They used the hearse in the end, and got the doctor to the hospital just in time to save his life if not his medical reputation. The muffled crump which I still maintain that I heard was my Grandmother exploding; Dr Fyfe had neglected to ask the hospital to remove her pacemaker before she was cremated.
This sort of thing only ever happens in my family.
OoooO
The wake was a suitably moribund affair; somehow we all squeezed into Uncle Hamish's tall and narrow town house on the posh side of town, stood around making as small a talk to each other as we could manage and still be polite. I gratefully gulped at the wine James pressed into my hand as he went past the buffet again. I was corned by Uncle Hamish.
"Your Gran's gone to better place". He intoned solemnly.
"Yes, Uncle Hamish," I looked around his bulk to see Verity appear in the hallway. "Actually Uncle..." I started. He interrupted ignoring my feeble protests "She did much that was good and little that was bad."
"She was always very kind to me." I told him.
He nodded, Uncle Hamish is balding, and of the school of thought that long wisps of hair grown on one side of his head and then combed delicately across the pate to the other side look better than naked skin, I watched as the coloured glass of the front door played across his oily scalp, and wondered, not for the first time how my Auntie put up with him. What a prat, I thought.
"Will you join us in prayer later Emily?"
Oh shit, I thought, "Actually uncle," I started," I've got to see a girl about a Jacuzzi, probably go straight from here."
"A Jacuzzi?" He pronounced it like a Shakespearean character might announce the name of his nemesis.
"Yes, uncle."
"That's a sort of bath, isn't it? Hope you're not meeting this girl in the Jacuzzi young lady." His lips twisted into what he thought was probably a smile.
"Uncle." I said loudly enough for him to suddenly be worried I was going to accuse him of all sorts.
"Ah, yes, right. "He stumbled. "Will we see you for supper later?"
"No, I'll probably end up with a kebab on my way home" I answered; I didn't hear James behind me.
"Badly packed?" He smiled sweetly.
I choked on the cheap wine
OoooO
"She's fucking gorgeous " I slurred "I mean really really fucking gorgeous" I was drunk, getting on towards midnight.
"You asked her out?" Panda leant in, missed the table with her elbow, winced, and waved her hand about. Thomas came to the table carrying more drinks.
"Wow, wicked Thomas", I said, grabbing another shot, and bottle of beer
"Answer me!" demanded Panda banging the small table.
"No, I haven't." I confessed, "I'm shy," I battered my eyelids, laughed. "Also I think she's got a boyfriend."
"Aha." Smiled Panda.
"But he's a wanker." I added," her one flaw, she has lousy taste."
"Still in with a chance then. " Thomas said. Panda laughed.
She placed her nose nearly on mine "Ask her"
"I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know how to". I protested, I mean, how do you?"
Panda locked scornful. "What rubbish."
"Well smarty pants "I said leaning in wobbling more than slightly, "Have you ever?"
"Hundreds of times, darling." Panda said in a deep voice pouting.
I remembered the Jacuzzi, but before I could mention a guy wandered over to the table "EF?"
"What?" I squinted
"E.F? He said again, "Pool table? You're on."
"Shit, right, C'mon." I staggered upright.
OoooO
We staggered back along the wide roads back to my Uncles place; we waited as two cars went past, and swayed across the rain slicked road. I suddenly remembered.
"Oh fuck, Berlin, right" drawled Panda, she took a deep breath, "I was in Frankfurt, seeing this friend from University, met up with...Well, it's a long story, but anyway we ended up in Berlin after a conference, fancy hotel with a swimming pool sized whirlpool bath, and this drunken Scottish bloke." She paused as Thomas' eyebrows rose. "He was trying hard to chat me up, and then he started taking the piss out of my accent."
"Cheeky bastard" I said as we crossed a side road.
"That's what I thought, is it." Panda nodded. "Anyway, he started saying how he knew the place and that a mate of his was pulling this joke on his missus, a doctor friend of his sending her book matches from night clubs all over the world".
I stopped dead in the road. "Effy"
"Exactly what I thought right. I mentioned her name to this fella, and he got right shirty, clammed up, wouldn't say another word to me, left pretty much straight away. Weird? Right?"
We reached the door of my uncle's house. I turned to them. "Thanks for walking me home." I wobbled.
Thomas nodded "Try not to fall in love with any more people tonight, night Emily"
Panda waved at me and together they swayed up the road, I smiled at them as they went. Trying hard to make as little noise as I could I pushed the key into the lock and made my way upstairs to the attic room. I lay on the narrow bed, and tried to remember if I still had Effy Foster's telephone number...