When A Banana Is Just A Banana.
"What do you think of when you see - thisss?" Crowley hissed, shoving a ripe yellow banana in front of the book Aziraphale was reading.
"Oooh, yes - delicious!" The angel smiled, beaming up at his old friend in delight.
Crowley stared at him for a while, then took off his sunglasses and stared some more. "You're thinking 'I'd love a banana split right now,' aren't you?"
"Um, no." The angel lowered his book and gave a half shrug. "I'm actually thinking I'd love a banana daiquiri right now," Aziraphale replied in slightly defensive way.
Crowley kept on staring. He was good at it, not having to blink. The angel squirmed in his seat, trying to think what bananas were supposed to remind him of.
Suddenly a look of understanding, then of decided disapproval settled across his angelic features. "You're not going to bring up that thing about the apple and the pomegranate, are you? If I've said it once I've said it…eighty two times - I can't help it if the silly humans got their fruit mixed up. I did try and fix it in later editions and most people today…."
Crowley was still looking at him, but now there was a thoughtful, slightly constipated look growing on his face. Without taking his eyes from Aziraphale's he lifted the banana and turned it into a cigar. The look of disapproval was much stronger this time and Crowley immediately turned it back.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes it was a huge embarrassing reminder of a centuries old mix-up over a natural herbal product (that was actually called 'the holy herb' for goodness sakes!) that soothed the nerves, aided in digestion, promoted health, was prescribed for lung strengthening and incidentally, haha – would you believe it! - gave you cancer.
There had been a very disagreeable split between two friends over the recommendation of the medicinal leaf, two very, very old friends - one a surprised and chagrined Demon, the other an irritable, nicotine dependant Angel of the Lord.
Things had not been pleasant for quite some time after that incident. It didn't help that Crowley had never taken up the habit, the smoke hurt his eyes.
Ah well, best not to dwell. On to plan D. Crowley licked his lips with a quick swipe of his forked tongue then peeled the banana and sucked half of it into his mouth. He then viciously bit that piece off. Aziraphale didn't so much as blink.
Crowley stared at him, Aziraphale stared back. Crowley remembered to swallow the bite of banana, tilting his head back to get it all down in one go.
"Oh," the angel said eventually. "Are we exploring our sexuality together?" he sounded coyly intrigued.
"Yes!" Crowley cried, "at last! Thank you Lo…Sat…whoever looks after dense angels!"
"I am not dense," Aziraphale sniffed. "And if you make that joke about my being a Principality one more time I shall smite you. Also, if you could give a little more warning, I am sure I could join in with a plethora of erotic small talk on the use of fruit."
Crowley raised an eyebrow at him, his eyes acquiring a certain gleam, and Aziraphale suddenly knew, just knew the demon was thinking about … about cigars and smiting and well, fruit. Raincoats of some sort could come into it as well.
"I mean," he kept on going, somewhat desperately now, "using a banana, dear. It's just a bit…a bit…."
"A bit bleeding obvious?" Crowley asked, who suddenly had this odd vision of Aziraphale in nothing but a greengrocer's apron cutting up an apple in a suggestive way.
"It's not obvious for me," Aziraphale cried.
"Not me either, actually," Crowley sighed, letting greengrocer!Aziraphale fade away into nothingness. "I mean, show me a banana and the cultural message I would get, sure - the 'undertones', but I'd be thinking banana daiquiri at the same time."
"Bananas have undertones?" Aziraphale whispered, bewildered.
"You'd be amazed," his friend told him, breaking the last bit of banana he had in halves and offering a piece.
"Thank you," the angel said automatically. They ate, then sat looking for some time at the banana peel. "So, we don't have sexualities, then?" Aziraphale asked sadly.
"We might do. I still want to hold you, and the thought of grooming your wingsss makes my insidesss melt." Crowley reached up to loosen off his tie. Was it hot in here?
"Mine too!" Aziraphale cried happily, touching the area over his heart. The look he sent Crowley then was so hopeful and young. It quite made the demons own heart thud harder in his chest.
"Maybe the rest of it will come later," Crowley offered gently, reaching out to smooth one of Aziraphale's errant blond curls. "We could try reading that book again, the one with pictures."
"The 'Kuma Satra'," Aziraphale supplied helpfully, eyes brightening with interest.
"Yeah, that. But right now, let'sss go get some of thossse banana daiquirisss."
And they did.
Banana daiquiris
Into a blender add 1 banana, 1/2 cup coconut milk, 1/2 cup lime juice, 1/4 cup sugar, 3 cups of ice and add 2 ounces of rum if desired (it isss). Blend until smooth, about 1 minute. Drink while drunkenly hurling bread at any passing ducks.