Kapitel 1: Understanding
I was sitting on one of the chairs at one of the neatly arranged, dark wooden tables, with the little lamps on them, in the bunker that has become my home someday. The only home I ever really had. Apart from my car, of course. I was reading in a thick, old book. I don't remember, what it was about, or why I've even read it, or what I wanted to find in there. But there was probably a reason for me reading it. Even when it was just for the sake of doing something. Everyone says about me, that I don't care about books or reading itself, but that's not entirely true. I read. Often even. Sometimes maybe hidden in my room, because sometimes I probably don't want anyone to see me differently than I like him to. People see me as that tough guy, a warrior perhaps, a hunter. Someone, who fights and saves, not someone, who reads and knows. Not someone like Sam. A geek, a nerd. And sometimes I wonder, why at all. Maybe I sometimes feel like I'm destined for something else.
My eyes moved across the old pages. It was quiet around me. And even when I was concentrated, I felt your presence. It was as if you were the silent observer of everything I did. I heard you breathe, and sit there, and even when you didn't move, I could even hear that. Non-movements. I felt your eyes on me, on my lips, which quietly move along, whenever I reread a sentence to understand its meaning even better, on my brows, which I raise, whenever I find something seemingly important. And I felt, how you were waiting for just that, as if my understanding was actually yours.
It felt like I had been sitting there forever and like you would observe me forever. And a small part of me wondered, why it didn't bother me. I noticed it, so much, but even when I make sure you stop most of the time, for some reason, in this particular moment, I didn't feel like it. I didn't understand it, though. What was there to see in me? I'm not that interesting. But I let you continue. Because somehow it was, besides creepy and misplaced, good, too. Good to know, that someone saw me, it almost even felt save. Silent and quiet and together, like a camera that surveilled and kept people from doing things they shouldn't do. As if we belonged together like a rock and a hard place. Like a weird togethership. And all the Nows we more or less voluntarily spent together made it all a Forever. And that held something strangely beautiful.
And then I had found in the book, what I had been searching for. I stretched out my arms and smiled the smile of a winner. Exaggerating maybe, but it felt right. And even when the book didn't care, and my surroundings probably neither, I felt like you did care. Tense and fixed, as if you didn't see anything else but me anymore, you stared at me, as if you would wait impatiently for me to share my understanding with you. I don't really like to compare you to a dog, but you looked at me like one. Like the loyal companion that is completely and entirely dependent on me, and as if I could end wars and cure cancer, when really, I could not.
And every now and then I wonder, if you have turned your back to all your tasks and duties in heaven and to your home, yes, even to your entire species, just for me. To follow me. And that even when I could do absolutely nothing for you. I didn't know, what you expected from me, what you saw in me. I'm no one special, no treasure or a unique artifact. And also, no useful weapon. I'm only Dean Winchester. A simple human in an unsimple world, who does whatever it takes, but is definitely not always able to do what you expect me to. I can't always win, hell, I even lose more often than I win, but I give all my blood and all my will to things I think are important. That was everything I can give. My free will. The only thing that really meant anything to me in the big, giant evil that is this world. But why it was your will to stare at me and watch me all the time, well, I didn't understand that.