Disclaimer: I certainly do not own Harry Potter. That belongs to J.K Rowling.
A little different take on a Potter story than what I usually do. Its not meant to be realistic, I just wrote it for fun.
Chapter One
The Birthday, The Chosen One and The Dirty Magazine
Draco Malfoy was sat still in his living room, both his parents and Severus Snape had serious looks on their faces, he shifted uncomfortably with their intense gazes staring at him, whatever they had to discuss this had to be a terrible topic to discuss. His thoughts were broken when his mother cleared her throat indicating his father to speak.
"Your mother and I have to discuss a very important topic Draco," his father said in a grave voice.
"As you know today is your birthday dear, your sixteenth birthday in fact," his mother jumped in quickly.
"Right," Draco responded unsure.
"Yes well, what we haven't told you is that we Malfoy's have a proud tradition when we age sixteen," his father said holding his head up high.
"Which is?" asked Draco suspicously narrowing his eyes.
His mother grabbed his hands and leaned in close causing Draco to be very concerned and weirded out making shift backwards a bit.
"Well darling, when a Malfoy is sixteen the tradition is that they choose their mate,"
"...Mate?"
"They're future spouse, someone to share their life and power with, to entwine your souls and minds," Lucius informed.
"What? You mean I have to choose the person I want to marry?" spluttered Draco.
"Well you can change your mind I guess..." Narcissa added.
"But no Malfoy has done that before, for we consider it weak-willed," his father added giving his wife a look making her glare at him.
"How the heck can I choose right now? I me-"
"We know you've already got your mind set on someone Draco," Narcissa smiled.
Draco stared at them. How the hell did they know he had a crush?
"Your journel was open, son, you write about how you wish you can be with this certain person since your first year," Lucius confessed.
Their son gaped at them.
"Plus we...we can actually hear you...at night," his mother added.
The Malfoy's face turned bright red, his own parents actually listened to him talking in his sleep, about that person! This was the most embarrassing moment in his entire lif-
"So son we like to know, who is this lucky person who gained your attention?" asked Lucius.
Draco turned pink.
"I refuse to tell! Its embarrassing enough already you actually know I like someone! But to tell you who it is? No," glared Draco.
Narcissa sighed.
"I was afraid this might happen, so I invited Severus,"
Severus Snape spent the entire time with his arms folded and his eyes closed as if to focus on his thoughts it wasn't until Narcissa mentioned his name that he opened his eyes to stare at Draco.
"Go look into Draco's mind and see who this person is," Lucius ordered.
"Wait what?" spluttered Draco jumping up.
"Legilimens!" shouted Snape.
The two people stood frozen at the spot. After a while Severus's pale skin turned a tint of red with his eyes widening while Draco buried his face in his from the humilation.
"Well what is it?" Lucius asked impatiently.
"He's definitely your son Lucius, he has a filthy mind," Snape coughed not looking at the glaring teen in the eye.
"And?" Narcissa asked keenly.
"The person is Harry Potter," Severus revealed dramatically.
The surprised looks on his parents faces made Draco want the floor to magically open up and swallow him.
"Ahh that explains a few things," his mother said thoughtfully.
"...Well in a way he's a good choice for you," Lucius added.
"He's famous, your equal in combat, wealthy, good looking and more importantly you never stop talking about him," Narcissa listed on the good qualities of her son's choice of mate.
"Better than Pansy Parkinson, god damn that girl is ugly," agreed Lucius.
"You two don't care I'm gay?" Draco asked in disbelief.
"Actually that runs in the family," Narcissa smirked shooting her husband a look.
"What does she mean father?"
"Never you mind," Lucius replied making shifty eyes.
"But what about that night with the strawberries, whipped cream and champagne and I got to watch you and Sev-"
"Mother! Too much information!" yelled Draco face going red again.
"We were your age once too,"
"I really didn't need that mental image thank you very much!" responded their son.
Severus gave the horrified teen a sly smirk.
"Need I remind you that mental image I got from you including you saying 'Suck it Potter like the willing love slave you ar-"
"Yes! Okay! Lets not get into that thanks!" Draco growled glaring at Snape.
"Agreed," muttered Lucius.
"Now Draco dear, this year when you return to Hogwarts your goal should be to woo the boy you care for," smiled Narcissa.
"Shouldn't you be concerned about the Malfoy line?" asked Draco to Lucius.
"Aren't you a bit young to be thinking of babies?" responded his father raising an eyebrow.
"Let that be for now, but right now work on your strategy to gain Potter's affections, maybe start by sending him a present on his birthday?" Narcissa offered.
"He hates me," muttered Draco.
"Well you've given no reason for him to like you," replied Narcissa.
His mother gave him a cuddle. "Just show him the real you,"
The all the adults left the room leaving Draco to his thoughts.
Harry Potter.
That boy haunted his mind since first year.
'What a Malfoy wants gets," though Draco with a smirk.
'And God will know I will go to Hell and back to make Harry Potter mine!' He'd make sure of it.
"Gah! It burns!" Harry shrieked.
A couple of people on the streets gave the boy a strange look.
"Um my ears are burning," the boy muttered embarrassed.
The people nodded walking away, one person said "That means someone is talking about you,"
Harry snorted. If your ear burns every time someone talks about you, Harry's would have surely been on fire years ago.
When he came up to the Dursleys house he took a deep breath and entered the house. Maybe if he was really quiet, not breath for a few seconds then his family wouldn't notice him...just pretend that hes invisible...like usual.
But unfortunately fate wasn't so kind when his foot stepped on the creaky step making his aunt's head snap towards him.
"What on earth are you wearing boy?" screeched aunt Petunia.
Harry sighed, he was hoping that they wouldn't notice the black outfit with the choker, then again did it really matter?
"Clothes," Harry responded.
"Bad enough your a freak, now your turning into one of those weirdos, with the punk hair," muttered Petunia leaving Harry alone.
Of course Harry wasn't going goth or punk, he just liked the clothes really but as usual the Dursleys incorrectly termed anything different from the norm as "freakish" or "wierdos". He was glad that he was going back to Hogwarts soon, he really wanted out of the house, away from his fat whale of an uncle and his screechy banshee sounding aunt.
The only thing different Harry noticed was that his cousin was actually trying to be nice to him, ever since the dementor attack, he's been really trying to be on good terms with him, when Dudley saw Harry he eyed his cousin up and down. At this point he'd have expected a snark comment about how freaky he thought he was but instead got "Looks alright on you,"
Harry rushed towards his room and as expected a letter was left on his bed.
'Dear Harry,
I normally wouldn't bother with such cobbler how ever I just thought I'd like to give you a heads up that you'll gain even more attention this year, due to some pictures in Witchy Warts's magazine, guess who's been voted the most charming handsome wizard?
P.S. I've already got you your present for your birthday and I'll look forward to see you in Hogwarts.
Love Ginny'
"Great," muttered Harry.
More popularity? Darn he really needed to move to France and change his name to Gerard* or something.
The Boy Who Lived recoiled in horror as he opened up the girly magazine...which seemed quite dirty for a girly magazine. Harry certainly didn't expect to see Gildroy Lockheart almost completely nude except for a couple of books covering his...area...or him starting to move towards the books trying to be seductive...or him starting to pick them up.
'EW! That's going to be my nightmare for the next two weeks,'thought Harry shuddering in disgust flicking the page quickly.
If possible he managed to pale even more when he saw the next page.
Featuring him...topless...in tight leather jeans. His pose and expression was quite suggestive.
"Holy FUCK!" he shouted making a Hedwig jump, pidgeons fly off, and making his uncle shout "Shut you foul mouth freak!"
The Boy Who Lived shuddered, this picture was taken outside of his room how the hell...he rushed to close the blinds on his window.
He picked up the magazine and gulped turning over awaiting the sheer horror that the magazine held. It turned out to be a poll of the most charming handsome wizard.
His eyes scanned the page and widened at the three at the top.
'3rd- Gilderoy Lockheart 'Really not surpising,'
2nd - Myron Wagtail 'Lead singer of the Wierd Sisters. Seen him at the Yule Ball, again not surpising he's popular'
1st - Harry Potter 'Oh great...just terrific MORE unwanted attention,'
The next page held a big bold title flashing different colours that made Harry's eyes go funny. The title read:
'The BIG Countdown for The Boy Who Lived!'
'Countdown?' Harry thought reading the rest of the page.
'Harry Potter has grown more handsome and even more charming as he grows older. Many girls love him, adore him and even fantasise about him when they're sleeping 'Ew!'.
Many of his admirers both female and male are counting down for his birthday when he's raring and LEGAL!'
Harry took a few seconds to think about this.
'Legal? Raring? What do they mea-'
His mouth dropped open at the realisation. He'll be sixteen...the age of constent...the age when he's legal.
They're counting down when he's old enough to have sex!
"What the hell?" he shouted loudly, causing Hedwig to shriek at him slightly.
'His fans who are students at Hogwarts look forward to attempt to woo and seduce The Boy Who Lived. Here's what some of the fans think of the Boy Who Lived
Felicity - "Oh yes I'd love to dig my claws into him I can think of so many naughty things we could do together!" 'The heck?'
Samara - "I dream about him ALL the time! At night I scream his name 'Oh gross!' but this led to some problems with my boyfriend...and the other two," 'What the hell is wrong with these people?'
Bob - "I've admire this boy for a very long time now, I watched him blossom and grow as the years fly by. 'How old is this guy?' I had to punch it down cause I knew tradgically that he was underage 'Oh god these people need help!' Plus I knew that he was many...many...many years younger than me. But when my dreams come true and he FINALLY becomes of age...here's what I'd like to do...'
Harry froze when the male older fan went to exact detail including handcuffs, whips but when he read the part that included the corn caused a bit of bile to rise in his mouth and throw the magazine to the floor.
"Oh God!" screeched Harry.
Thats it. He will now have nightmares for the rest of the month. He'd hope that no one at Hogwarts would act like that.
Harry's head looked up to see his cousin red in the face, The Boy Who Lived then looked into the direction he was looking at...which was the dirty magazine that fell open.
He probably wouldn't have minded so much if the magazine hadn't been open to the page to the almost naked Gilderoy Lockheart was in.
Dudley raised an eyebrow at his cousin.
"I-Its not what you think!" spluttered Harry.
His cousin only slowly nodded in a way that meant he really didn't believe him.
"Um...I'll come back...when your not busy," muttered Dudley closing the door.
Harry nearly choked on his own spit. Did he really think he was doing that...to GILDEROY LOCKHEART?
"Ewwww," shuddered Harry tearing up the magazine into tiny little pieces.
Hedwig squawked and her owner stroked the top of her head softly to which he muttered.
"Why did Ginny have that kind of magazine anyway?"
A/N:
* Very tempted to write "Move to France and change my name to Gerard Way or something" the lead singer to MCR.
Poor, poor Harry. He's going to meet some even weirder folk than this.
Till Next Time.
~Blazenix