Leave My Body, a steven universe fanfic

**PLEASE READ FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS**

PTSD, panic attacks, angst, and there is a scene where Amethyst considers poofing herself so she can have the chance to properly reform. She does not want to die, and makes that abundantly clear. That's why I didn't tag it for suicidal thoughts but it can still be triggering so I wanted to let everyone know, please read at your own caution and be safe.

She's trying not to think about Jasper. It's dumb, she's dumb for even pretending that she can ignore it, for biting her lips and crossing her arms, eating everything in the fridge but the light bulb which she would've eaten too if she hadn't gotten sick of the concerned looks the others were giving her, the pity in their eyes.

So she escaped into the night, kicked sand beneath her feet, punched her fist into the mountainside, walked straight into the sea, and considered shifting into a great white shark or a killer whale, something huge and deadly and undeniably powerful. The idea was comforting, for a second. But then she remembered that Jasper is hiding somewhere out here, beneath the waves, waiting, watching.

And that had lit through her such a shock of panic that in her rush she shifted into a half formed bird, scrambled to escape the water, her wingspan uneven, species unknown, something of a splice between an owl or a hawk and normally shapeshifting for her is as easy as breathing but she hadn't been able to focus, to think. All she'd known was that she just wanted wings, wanted to fly away from here, high above where nothing could ever reach her.

She'd managed a few seconds of flight, just enough to escape the pull of the water, wings soaked and pulse frantic before she careened towards the temple, landed in a heap of frustration and pain atop stone as her body reverted back to its new form, skin itching, head pounding from her crash.

It still hurts, even now as she watches the sea, hands clenching and unclenching around her knees, just needing something to grip onto. Normally she likes it up here, likes sitting atop the temple's stone fingers and listening to the gentle rustling of wind through whatever laundry has been hung to dry but, the clothesline is empty now, and she finds staring at the waves is beginning to fill her with a sense of overwhelming dread like it never has before.

Amethyst only realizes she's let go of her knees when she feels her nails rake down the length of her arms, shuddering as goosebumps rise in their wake. She clenches her jaw, frustrated with herself for not resisting the urge better, it's gotta be at least the fifth time she's caught herself doing it but no matter how hard she tries she just can't stop. Her skin itches too much, like it's pulled taut over her bones because this form is all wrong. It's all wrong and she'd been too rushed, too frantic, desperate to return as soon as possible because Steven and Connie were still out there fighting Jasper alone and they needed her to come back, to save them.

Except they really didn't.

A heaviness rises in her throat that she tries over and over again to swallow, wishes she could just, physically push out the thoughts, the memories, wants to scratch at her arms, her face, her neck, but instead grips tight onto her hair, trying to hide her face in the mass of white but, but, her hair is different too, now. It's coarse in a way it's never been, brittle, tangling in between her fingers.

She hates this new form, hates it, hates it, wants to go back to what she was just a few hours ago, wants to be laughing with soda dripping down her face, with doughnut frosting on her lips, side by side with two kids who thought the world of her, who thought she was strong.

Back when she still thought she was strong.

And she's standing before she can really think on her actions, unsteady as she tries to balance on the statue's finger, one hand gripping stone beside her and she's not staring out into the ocean anymore, her gaze is fixed directly onto ground below, the darkened sands.

If she just…fell from this height then her form would probably break. Then she could retreat into her gem and reform the right way, she could take her time and then maybe her skin wouldn't itch so damn much, maybe her pulse would finally stop pounding in her ears and her hair wouldn't be so gross and brittle anymore and…and…

Maybe she wouldn't have to think about Jasper anymore.

The heaviness in her throat thickens, choking, and she doesn't move, she can't because the last time she fell from a height like this her gem cracked. And the fear that's already shadowed her since her return turns into a sort of terror, has her nearly losing her balance and crying out so she wraps her arms around the stone digit, pressing her body against it and trying to breathe, trying to breathe, trying not to think about Jasper or how she could feel her gem clenched tight in her fist, how she could feel her start to squeeze.

No, no, no way, she doesn't want to crack, doesn't want to shatter, that's not it, that's not what she wants she just…just…

Doesn't want to be this anymore.

Amethyst shuts her eyes tight, trying to control her breathing, her pulse still frantic her nails boring into stone, forehead pressed against it and her skin is still itching. Somewhere to her left bright light shines out, she can see it behind her eyelids, a beacon in the dark as the warp pad activates and she can't let anyone see her like this.

They must already think she's weak, she won't let them see her broken.

So by the time the light fades she's sitting down again, fingers trembling so she grips at her knees, faces the ocean but stares up into the sky, at the stars, and tries her best to appear calm.

"Ah, here you are!"

Pearl. Why'd it have to be Pearl?

Then again, why does it matter? Pearl or Garnet, even Steven, being around any of them would be bad right now. She doesn't want to see them, doesn't want them to see her. Amethyst swallows and swallows around the lump in her throat and part of her wishes she could just go back, just once, beg them not to go on their mission, to stay and help her.

Part of her wishes she had the courage to stomp back into the temple, to let it all out, to rage at Garnet for not knowing this would happen, for not being here, for not warning her.

She wants to scream.

"Amethyst?" Pearl's thin fingers brush across her arm and she knows the touch is barely there, feather light but all at once everything within her just jolts, her stomach lurches as if she's been struck and she has to bite her lips to keep from crying out, so hard she can taste blood in her mouth. Just like she had when Jaspers fists beat into her.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to…Are…Are you alright?"

And Amethyst nods her head once, as firmly as she can because she's not supposed to be thinking about Jasper, not supposed to be thinking at all and it would be so much easier if her pulse would stop racing for just a second, just for long enough to catch her damn breath, but nodding is easier than saying that, besides.

Pearl would probably tell her that gems don't need to breathe.

"Are…Are you sure?"

"Yeah, just fine."

She'd meant for the lie to be more convincing, to make her voice sound nonchalant like she didn't give a shit, like today was just another day and just another regeneration because she's had a million of those and it wouldn't the first time she's gotten the crap beat out of her.

Except this time was different, except this time she was really trying, this time she didn't even get a punch in. All her frustration bled out in her voice, she knows it must have, because Pearl only comes closer, stepping right between the stone fingers and not even blinking at the height.

Why would she though? With her perfect balance, the idea that she could fall would probably just insult her or something.

That hand falls on her shoulder again, squeezing gently. "Amethyst, I…" Then she sighs, in that dumb Pearl way that she does whenever she doesn't know what to say but wants to try anyway because she feels like she has to. Which is really the last thing she needs right now, thanks, so she rolls her shoulders to shrug off Pearl's hand, glaring at the stars and trying to ignore the sound of the waves, ignore the urge to keep a look out for- "Don't, Pearl. I don't want-"

"It's not your fault, you did your best."

And of course, like always Pearl just ends up saying the wrong thing, the type of thing that makes all of her simmering frustration start to boil over, the type of thing that has all her joints aching from how taut she's holding herself. She whips her head to the side, glares with everything she is at the gem beside her, hoping that she'll take the hint, that she'll just leave.

"Shut up! You weren't even there!"

She's almost glad for that, it was bad enough going down in front of Steven. But to go down in front of Pearl…Garnet…

Her voice is breaking, but she refuses to cry, she won't, she won't. "You have no idea what happened okay?! I told you I'm fine so just, butt out!" Pearl won't take the hint, she knows, Pearl is terrible at taking hints, she needs someone to say it directly or she won't get it, and Amethyst knows that if she just, tells her to leave, to go away then she might but…

But…She doesn't want to be alone. She doesn't. She does. She wants to rip her hair out, wants to reform, wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to find Jasper and beat the living hell out of her but she knows she'll only end up shattered and just the thought has her pulse racing again, panic rushing through her that she has to force in deep breaths to try and keep at bay.

It's not working and she can't tell if Pearl being here is helping or making it worse.

"You're right," And her voice is so calm, so collected, and it's crazy to her, that Pearl can feel that way, after everything. "I don't know what happened. So tell me, please?" That has her huffing, clenching her fists, nails biting into the skin of her palms and it all comes rushing out, her head aching, her voice gravel.

"Ha! What's there to tell?! I was gone for most of the fight anyway! Stevonnie was the one who beat Jasper, but Steven already told you that right? Did he tell you that I was totally useless? That I didn't even get a single punch in? That she thrashed me without even trying? Because she did, and I was!"

Pearl's eyes are so wide, lips parted and maybe she doesn't even realize it but her hand is reaching towards her again but Amethyst pushes it away and wraps her arms around herself instead, trying to cage in her panic, trying to steady her breathing, trying not to cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"A-Amethyst I-"

"Let me guess, you had no idea! You're really sorry, right?" Her anger is so overwhelming, overflowing inside of her, anger and fear and pain, so much pain, everything Jasper had done still hurt and she's been waiting all this time for it to stop, for her skin to stop itching, her pulse to stop racing but it hasn't, it hasn't.

She hears her own voice echoing off of stone, didn't know when she stared shouting but she can't stop. "Well, guess what Pearl I'm sorry too okay? Sorry I'm such a total failure, sorry I'm so small, and weak, and useless –" Pearl's horrified gasp breaks in there, both of her hands gripping at her shoulders. "Amethyst! You're not weak, and you're certainly not useless-"

And sitting atop here, for the first time she's taller than Pearl, for the first time Pearl has to reach up to touch her, has to tilt her head up to look at her and the fact that, if she weren't defective, if she weren't small this what it'd always be like.

That's what breaks her.

"But I am!" She tries to wipe away her tears as the come, as if somehow not letting them fall is the same as not crying at all. Pearl's talking to her, saying something, her voice desperate and her eyes wide and the grip on her arms tight but Amethyst can't hear her, not beneath the drumming of her pulse, the sobs choking in her throat, the deep gravel of Jaspers voice echoing across her thoughts.

You're a joke.

"-And don't forget what Rose said-"

"Well she was wrong!" And that shout has her throat aching, has Pearl stopping in her ranting, lips parted, blue high on her cheeks, and Amethyst seizes her opportunity.

"That's right, I said it! Your precious, brilliant, wonderful, Rose Quartz was wrong okay? She was wrong about me and you can't see it because you think that Rose was too perfect to ever be wrong but-"

"I don't think that." Pearl's voice has gone quiet, enough that Amethyst's breath catches, mouth dry, throat swallowing and though Pearl's grip on her shoulders is firm, her eyes are downcast, her own breathing growing unsteady. "I…wha…?"

"I…I don't think Rose was incapable of being wrong, Amethyst. There are some things, things she should've…things she did that were…" Pearl shakes her head quickly, sniffling, before looking back up at her, meeting her eyes with an intensity that makes her breath catch. "But she wasn't wrong about you, I'm sure about it."

But before she can say anything, before she can even think Pearl is leaning up, standing on her toes, and kissing her.

Tears jump to her eyes again and her lips are so soft, so warm, that ridiculous nose brushing across her cheek and more than anything she wants to melt into this, wants to lose herself, feels Pearl's thumb stroking across her throat and wants to be kissed again and again until the only thing that fills her thoughts is the taste of those soft lips and not…

Amethyst parts her lips, a silent, hesitant invitation and suddenly a wet tongue is in her mouth, stroking deftly against hers and normally she's the more aggressive one when they're together, normally she's the one gripping onto Pearl, plunging her tongue into her mouth and kissing her in a way that never fails to have Pearl's cheeks flushing dark, has her lips swelling, has her calling Amethyst obscene.

But not this time, she can't bring herself to, can't think or move, or take over. Maybe this would be okay though, maybe she could just, melt, just let Pearl have her however she'd like and then maybe…maybe she could…

But then Pearl's fingers slide into her hair and that has her blood freezing, her pulse jumping into her throat because Pearl always loved running her fingers through her hair when they did this, Garnet too and now, now she has to feel how different it is, how all of the softness has dried out into something brittle and broken and tangled everywhere and she can't, she can't she can't, no no no no-

"No!"

She doesn't mean to shove so hard, but Pearl had her guard down and she'd pushed with all her measly strength and suddenly the other gem is stumbling back, crying out in alarm as her back hits the dryer, eyes wide and barely managing to steady herself. "W-Wha? A-Amethyst, what's wrong?!"

Her brittle hair is fanning out all around her, across her vision, rustling in her ears. "No! You don't get to…I don't want your pity!"

She doesn't look at Pearl's face, glares at the rock somewhere behind her but she can hear the hurt in her voice but she can't, she can't. "What? Amethyst this isn't-"

"Yes it is!" What am I saying, what am I saying, what am I doing? "You only ever kiss me when you feel sorry for me!"

The drumming of her pulse has returned, sharper now, and she's standing now, gripping at her head, squeezing her eye shut because she just wants it to stop, just wants it to shut up, shut up.

"Amethyst you know that's not true!"

You're already a failure.

Then she had low standards.

"And what are you now?"

"SHUT UP!"

Just a joke.

Amethyst shapeshifts into the first bird she can think of, and she flies, high, high above, where nothing can ever reach her.

END