"Night's Possibility"
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DISCLAIMER: Suikoden and all the characters therein do not belong to me, they belong to Konami, and I claim no ownership. I am not receiving a profit.
The title of this fic, in case you're wondering, comes from an Emily Dickinson poem, "The daisy follows soft the sun." And, of course, this story does contain shonen-ai/yaoi. Between Humphrey and Futch. I know. I have no idea why I wrote this. But, it only took me five hours, so enjoy. Oh, yes, and the story is told completely in Futch's POV.
By the way, I took artistic license with this one...I know Futch isn't seventeen...but oh well.
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It has been twenty years since that time, when I was still a child in the lower caste of Dragon Riders. Looking back on it now, those years seem to fade into one another -- an endless blur of long days and colder nights. When Black died I thought no one could ever replace him and the pain would never go away. The years directly following the war were my hardest ever, I had to adjust to a whole new way of life.
Before then, the time I spent flying with Black was when I felt truly alive; every moment I was on the ground seemed to pass in slow agony. But Joshua was a fair man. He could no longer let me stay in the Dragon's Den, but out of guilt or just the kindness of his heart, he called a favor from an old friend of his, Humphrey Mintz. He was to accompany me on my journeys across the globe in search of another dragon.
As a young child, my only impressions of the man were of how big he was, and how withdrawn. Humphrey barely spoke six words to me the first few months chance brought us together after the war, and at that time, I wasn't sure I wanted it any other way. I was still hurting deeply over the loss of my dragon and often times Humphrey was the only one close enough to take the blame. However, I would always regret growing angry with him later, but Humphrey never seemed to mind, or even notice for that matter. He understood what I was going through, I think.
As time passed and I grew more comfortable with him, I got into the habit of holding conversations with him -- even though they were a bit one-sided. Most times he didn't give any sign he was listening, but there were also times when I'd be prattling on and on to him sitting around the fire, just to fill the silence, and I'd look up to see a very small smile on his face. Perhaps I tried him a bit, but I do not think he ever resented me being with him.
In his own way, he took care of me. I didn't die, at least. But he never asked to be pinned with me -- a bratty kid that spent far too much time moping over things that could not be changed, and not enough time doing anything useful. I'll admit that I took him for granted in the beginning; I was a selfish, rude little boy. But he never left me, and I'm not sure if that was because of the debt he owed Joshua or because of his deep-rooted sense of morals. In any case, we adapted to each other. We became friends.
Eventually it came to be that Humphrey was the only constant in my life, and I began to rely on him for a lot. Black was gone forever and I sought to fill the hole he left with anything, especially when it became apparent that a dragon is not an easy thing to find. Humphrey was always there; I had only to look over and see him sitting across from me. He became a surrogate for the life I left behind.
The turn of each year found us always in a different country, a different climate, a different world. I grew up a little during that time without the caring environment of the Dragon's Den, though I was still a child in many ways. I learned a lot from my travels with Humphrey about many places and cultures, and that knowledge continues to come in handy. When I was seventeen, we settled in Matilda for a short period of time. There had been rumors of dragons living on a nearby mountain so we were obliged to check it out. The people were some of the friendliest I'd ever met and I enjoyed my time there.
Just before Humphrey and I were preparing to head up the summit, a young man and his party showed up in the small town. Immediately I saw the resemblance to Young Master McDohl the young man possessed, but I wasn't going to let that interfere with my search. Shortly after their arrival, a local kid turned up missing and there was no guess as to where he went. Along with the young man and his comrades, we went up the mountain and saved the child. Despite the injuries he had suffered, he told us of a cry he had heard and was convinced it was a dragon.
The boy's words caused a surge of hope to rise in me, which I quickly smashed. This same thing had happened too many times and too often it had turned out to be nothing but a fake. I was getting tired of feeling disappointed, and every time I had to pick my hopes and dreams off of the floor I got closer to giving up. So I convinced myself that it just another false alarm.
When we reached the top of the mountain, I was expecting only to see some large beast capable of making sound similar to a dragon, or perhaps nothing at all. But to all of our mutual surprise, we found a large egg there, undoubtedly belonging to a dragon.
I was of mixed emotions, then. On one hand, I dearly wished for it to be what we all thought it was, and on the other, I was trying to convince myself it wasn't, just in case. Even when the eggshell broke and the tiny reptilian creature inside was revealed, I could not let myself believe that I would ever be a Dragon Rider again. After searching for so long and after so many failures, it seemed far too good to be true. Humphrey, in a rare moment of insightfulness, convinced me otherwise.
It was in that moment that I began thinking of Humphrey a little differently. Or perhaps, that was when I finally grew up.
We had been together for over five years. For a long time, I had had only him. It was then that I realized he had only me. What, then, did that make us? All I knew was that I would never have made it without him and I never thanked him for keeping me alive. Suddenly I was ashamed of myself. Humphrey had done everything for me for the past five years. He hadn't had to do any of it; he could have easily left me in a huge forest somewhere. I had to do something.
After we had returned to town with Bright in tow and everyone had settled in for the night and I could speak with Humphrey in private. The two of us together had agreed to join up with Genkaku's son and fight against Highland in return for their help with our search. Also, I felt that we would need something to do, now that we no longer had any real purpose.
The inn we were staying in was moderately large, and like so many times before, Humphrey and I roomed together. If he could tell I was upset, which I suspected he could, he didn't say anything. Not that it was unusual. He had his impossibly large sword held out in front of him; he was cleaning it. I sat on the ground next to him and began talking, knowing he would be listening.
"You know, I've been following you around for a long time," I began. "And I know you haven't had to watch out for me, or anything." I chanced a quick glance up at him. His eyes still remained steadfast on his sword. "I just wanted to thank you for staying with me. I don't think I've told you before how glad I am that you're here." I sighed and rested my head on my drawn-up knees. I was surprised to suddenly feel his hand on top of my head.
"It's me who has been doing the following, I think," he said, meeting my eyes briefly before turning back to his sword. I smiled up at him, pleased for no real reason. For a while the room remained quiet, silent except for the sound of Humphrey sharpening his weapon.
Again, as always, I broke the silence. "So what are you planning to do after the war?" I paused, waiting for the response I knew would never come, and then I continued. "Well, Bright won't be old enough to ride yet, so I guess I'll have to keep training him. That takes a while, you know?" After waiting a bit, Humphrey nodded, so I went on. "We could keep on traveling if you want. I'm not really ready to settle down yet...But if you are, we could do that, too."
I looked up to see that he was smiling to himself again as he worked. I chattered on for maybe another hour before I finally fell asleep there by his bed, though I woke late the next morning in my bed. I remembered talking about Bright and the Dragon Caves, reminding Humphrey of some of the crazy things that had happened to us in the course of our journey, and even trying to coax some stories out of him, though that effort was in vain. I remember feeling content for the first time in a long time.
The second war I was involved in was, for me, not as traumatic as the first. It seemed to me that it passed rather quickly, or maybe that was because of how late I joined in the effort. The months I spent in the castle that was formerly North Window were a happy time, despite the death that was going on all around me. Humphrey and I were never far apart, I suppose old habits die hard. It had been a long time since I was around so many people at once, some of them familiar, some not, but I became friends with a great many of them.
I had never seen Humphrey actually talk to so many people, either. I guess he felt better being surrounded by familiar faces as well. I often found him sitting with Flik and Viktor in the bar, the three of them trading stories, well, make that the two of them. Humphrey usually just listened and drank from time to time, but I could tell it rose his spirits. I guess it's hard to remember the good old times with someone who is eighteen years your junior.
That always startled me when I thought about it. Something in me balked when I would realize that Humphrey is old enough to be my father. To me, he was my best friend, and I had never thought of him in a sense that could even remotely be called 'fatherly.' But often, when that thought occurred to me, I would think about it for days on end.
Once, after that thought had been swimming around in my head for awhile, I decided to ask Humphrey about it. I was wondering just what he thought of me, anyway. Really, what could a seventeen-year-old kid be to a thirty-five-year-old man?
"Hey, Humphrey," I called out one night. He was in the bar, although most of the patrons had gone to their rooms already.
"Yo," he replied, lifting a mug of something to his mouth. I took a seat next to him. He glanced at me as I was sitting down, but said nothing more.
"So, what are you doing?" I folded my hands on the table and starting examining a worn spot on my leather gloves. Humphrey shrugged and took another swig of his drink. I nodded and didn't say anything for a minute or two. I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest. Finally, I said, "What am I to you, Humphrey?"
He set his drink down and looked at me, questions in his eyes. After a long pause, he said, "You're my friend, Futch."
I didn't know whether to be relieved or let down. What had I been expecting anyway? I guess that's why I asked -- I truly had no idea what the older man would say. But for some reason I did feel let down, like I really had been expecting more. I was confused with myself, but I nodded and smiled.
"You're my friend, too, Humphrey," I said. The other man continued to look at me oddly, but I ignored him and got up from the table. "That's all I wanted to know." Without waiting to see if he would say anything else, I left the bar and went up to my room, hoping to sort things out.
What was wrong with me? Humphrey had been my only friend for years. We'd been together for so long, I couldn't imagine life without him. But what did I want from Humphrey? What was I looking for in him that I didn't have now? What changed? Suddenly the room seemed too small to contain my frantic pacing. I left it in search of a wider space.
My restless prowling eventually led me to the stables, where I checked up on Bright. He was still very young, and so it was necessary for me to spend as much time as possible with him so we could connect. As I entered his stall he rubbed up against me, much the way a neglected cat would. His massive weight almost toppled me over. To be safe, I sat down next to him on the hard stable floor. After a few minutes he was curled up against me, sleeping. I laid a hand on him, finding the rise and fall of Bright's chest soothing. Almost immediately my thoughts drifted back over to Humphrey.
The questions the man raised in my mind continued to have no answer. My thoughts went in circles and the endless roundabout was giving me a headache. I had almost fallen asleep using Bright as my pillow when I got it. I opened my eyes slowly, even as my heart was filling with dread.
What I wanted was something more than friendship. With Humphrey, a man eighteen years older than me, who'd taken care of me since I was twelve years old. Part of me was appalled, but it was true...It was true and I would not lie to myself. How long had I been thinking this way? I wondered. Just how long had I been subconsciously blocking that part of myself?
As long as Humphrey's age had bothered me, I guess.
My revelation managed to keep me up for the better part of the night; it was something that I had trouble coming to terms with but ultimately could not deny. When I did fall asleep, the sun was just reaching the horizon.
I woke up several hours later to a rough shaking. I opened my eyes to see Humphrey standing over me, and once he saw I was awake he turned and walked several yards away. Bright was already awake as well, he stood at the door of the stall looking at me mournfully. I got up, ignoring the pains in my back gained from sleeping on hard stone, and opened the door. The dragon sprang free of the small enclosure, kicking up a fuss as it went.
Pulling pieces of straw out of my hair, I entered the main hall of the stable, searching for Humphrey. He was no where to be seen, so I shrugged and left. I didn't really feel like facing him right then, anyway.
During the night I had managed to answer all of my questions but for one. What now? What should I do, now that I know? Those questions Humphrey would have to help me answer.
On my way back to my room I ran into Viktor and Flik. They were arguing over something, like usual. I waved as I passed by, but Viktor called out to me, much to my surprise. Most times, we didn't have much to say to one another.
"Say, what's wrong with Humphrey today, Futch?" Viktor asked, interrupting Flik and causing the other man to get a bit red in the face.
"How can you tell something's wrong?" I asked jokingly, though my heart was not in it.
"You can tell just as well as I can," he replied, "he just seemed like something was bothering him, is all."
"I wouldn't know about that," I said. Once again I waved to Flik, who was still fuming about something, and nodded to Viktor. "See you guys later." I walked across the main hall to the elevator. As I passed Luc gave me an odd look which I ignored.
I entered my room and was swept with wave of sleepiness. I really hadn't gotten that much sleep the night before, and the bed was looking really inviting. I wasn't even thinking as I lay down -- I didn't realize that it was not my bed. Curling up in the coarse blankets I was asleep within a few minutes. And although it was the middle of the day, my sleep remained uninterrupted for at least a few hours.
When I next awoke it was just barely evening, the sun still hung in the sky, though the light it shed was a dusky orange. The first thing I noticed was the grating sound of metal on stone as Humphrey honed his sword on the desk in the corner of the room. He turned around when he heard me moving, and I glared at him from the rumple of sheets.
"Do you have to be doing that right now?" I asked him, rolling over and stuffing my head underneath the pillow.
"No better time," he answered as he tested the edge with the pad of his thumb.
"I've told you again and again. You should look into carrying a blunt object instead of a sword. They're so much easier to take care of," I grumbled. The stroke of the blade set my teeth on edge. But Humphrey just shook his head and continued about his business. Eventually I lifted the pillow and flung the sheets off. That was when I realized that they were not my sheets. I blushed deeply, though there was no real reason for me to, and quickly crossed the room. I saw Humphrey's eyes follow me as I went, whether he was amused or worried it was hard to tell.
The silence was thick with my discomfort and I was desperate to alleviate it. "Viktor asked about you this morning," I said, my voice sounding frantic even to my own ears. I focused on my bare feet, hoping I could get myself back under control.
Humphrey made a sound in his throat that usually meant he had acknowledged whatever I just said.
"Yeah, he asked what was wrong with you." I continued. There was a thin layer of grime under the toenail of my biggest toe. I would have to remember that the next time I took a bath. Humphrey made the sound again and I accidentally cracked my toe against the small stone tile. Wincing, I looked away from my feet and stared at the back of his head.
"What was wrong with you?" I asked. The older man turned his head to look at me, but after we stared at each other for several minutes, he turned back around.
"The problem..." he said after a long, long time. "The problem is you."
"What?" I murmured. "I --"
"You're the one that's been having the problem," he said.
"I..." I said once more. How could I tell him what I had to say? I was having a hard time admitting it to myself, much less him. I watched with relief as he set down the weapon he had, up until this point, still been sharpening. Humphrey maneuvered the chair so that he could see me without having to turn his head. I got off my bed, unsure of how to proceed. Lingering near the bed-post, I tried to work up the courage to do something.
Tentatively I reached out and put one hand on his shoulder. That was good, now what? "We've been through a lot together, haven't we?" He looked up at me questioningly; I tried to keep my expression fairly neutral. My left hand joined the right on the opposite shoulder. My back was to the desk, I stood between it and Humphrey.
Bending down so that our faces were on the same level, I said, "But are you sure about they way you feel for me?" Moving in slowly I kissed him, letting my lips linger on his for several seconds, though he remained unresponsive throughout. It was he who broke the kiss, pushing me away with his larger hands.
"Stop it," he said. "I am sure."
For a minute I had no idea how to react. But looking into Humphrey's stern expression, I knew I couldn't stay there. I removed his hand from my shoulder where it lay, and said, "I see." Pulling away from him and the desk, I went to the door. "I have to check on Bright, I'll be back later, I guess." Humphrey nodded and watched me go.
Once I was out of the room, my shoulders began to shake, as did my hands, curled into fists as they were at my sides. I don't think I truly expected him to turn me down. What was I going to do now? Before I did something stupid like start to cry, I made myself go down to the stables, where I knew no one would be this late in the evening. It did not occur to me that if I really wanted to hide, that was the second place anyone would look for me.
When I got there, Bright was already sleeping, though the door to his stall was wide open. I felt bad that I had stayed away all day, but there was nothing I could do now. With a small groan I slid down onto the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees and resting my head on top of them. I'd really screwed up back there. How did I ever think that Humphrey would ever...I'm young enough to be his son...I wished I could have kicked myself for being so stupid.
"Spending another night out in the stables, I see," came a voice above me. Looking up, I met Viktor's smiling face. "Whoa," he said, noticing my obviously pained expression. "What happened to you? You look like someone just died."
I shook my head. I really wasn't in the mood to talk, I was afraid I'd start balling if I did.
"Ah, let me guess," Viktor said, retaining his cheerful countenance. "It's Humphrey, isn't it?" When my head shot up Viktor's smile widened perceptibly. He came around the stall door to face me. "Well, I guess I've been where you are, too." I stared at him, he shrugged. "And I can tell you, staying out here's not going to get you anything but a bad back."
Viktor patted my head and opened the door, shutting it behind him. I heard him whistle as he left the stables. I continued to sit like that for what couldn't have been more than a quarter of an hour, until my legs began to cramp and the base of my spine went numb. Sighing heavily, I realized Viktor was right. Reaching over and petting Bright good night, I picked myself off of the floor and trudged out of the stables.
When I got back to the room I shared with Humphrey, he was still sitting at the desk, head in his hands.
"It's alright, stop worrying about it. It won't happen again," I said walking through the door. Humphrey looked up like he hadn't heard me come in, which was unusual. No one had ever been able to sneak up on Humphrey. Dismissing it, I made my way to bed -- making sure it was my bed this time, and plopped down not bothering to undress. I curled up next to the wall, making only the back of me visible to the rest of the room. I wasn't expecting to feel the weight of another's presence next to me. But rather than face the humiliating conversation that was about to occur, I hid my face deep in the mattress.
"...The truth is, you confuse me, Futch." I heard Humphrey say behind me. "You've always confused me."
"Sorry," I said, though I wasn't sure why.
"But then, you've always seemed to me to be the epitome of what I've wanted to protect. I've never seen you as more than a child, which I see now is an inaccurate image."
"Humphrey..." I said. I turned to face him. He shook his head.
"You've made me look at you in a different way, and that's not something I'm really good at." Humphrey said. "I've watched you grow up, and now this out of no where."
"I just--"
"But I would have just let both of us forget all this if I didn't have something to say," he said. "You are closer to me than any living person. I care for you like you were my family." He reached out, placing one hand on the side of my face. "Perhaps something will come of that, perhaps nothing will. That is up for fate to decide."
"Humphrey...Humphrey, you've never said so much to me at once." I said, smiling a little. He shrugged, but did not remove his hand.
"You deserved an explanation." He returned the smile.
When we went to bed that night, I could never remember feeling as content.
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I think it's funny the way two people, given enough time and patience, will adapt to each other so completely. When I first met Humphrey, I never expected care so deeply for him, and I certainly never expected to have the feelings returned. It just goes to show, I guess, how you never know what you're getting into when you meet someone. Perhaps you'll never meet after that, but perhaps, that person will be the most important in your entire life. Anything's possible.
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THE END
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