a short story I came up with yesterday..hope you like it :)
some spoilers for the comic book, "Here's Negan".

"Fuck…fuck…fuck…"
Negan ran into one of the houses nearby, barely escaping the new herd of dead ones.
The house was an old cottage, but the windows have been bared, so it was good enough place to hide until the danger passes.
The smell of freshly cooked meal took over his senses as he slowly turned around; looking around the room he was in. The small rays of sunshine that broke through the crack between the wooden planks on the window didn't reveal much. But all signs were there; someone is or was in the house, not long ago.

That's when he heard small and weak footsteps in the other room, probably kitchen.
"Is it you, Ernest… thank the God…"

The small, old woman appeared before him. She was hunched, using an old walking stick to keep her from falling nose first. Her long almost completely white hair was tied in two long braids, falling over her shoulders. She was wearing a long, slewed flower dress and apron tied around her small waist.

"You're not Ernes." The woman looked up at him, stepping closer.
"No…mam…I…I'm sorry…I should. Fuck…" he didn't know what to do, he shouldn't be there, but he couldn't just leave, the herd may have passed but still, there were a lot of strays and it was still too dangerous to go out.
"Watch your language, dear boy. This is a nice home and we don't use those filthy words in between these walls."
Woman wiggled her finger at him, with a small smile tugging her lips.
"I…I apologize, mam… I should probably leave."
It was as good idea as any at the moment. Maybe one of the nearby houses is empty and he could find shelter there.
"Don't be silly, dear boy," woman waved her hand, "come, I made some chicken stew for dinner and I would love if you could stay. I really don't mind the company."
"You're expecting someone… I don't want to intrude."
The truth was he didn't like the idea of her husband coming back home and finding him there.

The small smile disappeared from woman's face, her lips falling dawn as she looked past him at the old door.
"I'm sure he won't mind. Come, let's eat. You look famished."

She wrapped her hand around his arm, leading him to the room from where the smell was coming from. He wanted to protest, it didn't feel right to intrude on someone privacy like that, but he has been on the move for past few weeks, barely eating anything, he just couldn't make himself to say no.

The woman looked at him from head to toe, with a grin of disgust as they were about to enter the kitchen.
"I don't mean to be harsh, dear, but you my boy stink and you can't seat on the dinner table like that, covered with blood."
"What?" Negan couldn't believe his ears, was this some kind of twisted joke, to show him food and then deprive him of the satisfaction of tasting it.
"Upstairs to the right, you will find a bathroom, there should still be some warm water left, clean yourself, then soak that t-shirt and jeans so I can wash them for you later. "
"I..I don't have anything else with me."
"Oh, don't worry, sweet boy. I will leave some clothing for you in front of the door. My husband and you are about the same size, he is a bit chubbier than you but I am sure you won't mind that."
The woman giggled, looking at the photography for a younger couple, her and her husband, for their youth. She was a beauty that much Negan could tell from the old, washed-out photo, her now white hair was long and red, the wide smile on her face and her green eyes, now blurry and sad were wide and shiny as she looked at the man beside her.
The man, Ernest, was almost the spitting image of himself, tall, broad shoulders, big brown eyes, thick black beard and hair combed back wearing an old leather jacket and a white t-shirt. There were both leaning against the old Harley-Davidson bike.
"He was just like you in his youth, but the years and my cooking did a number on him, He is still a handsome man, don't you doubt that. I assume some people always are."
Sadness filled her voice once more as her eyes fell on the ground. It was just a brief moment but Negan didn't fail to catch it.

He took her offer and went upstairs to shower. It amazed him they still had electricity in the old cottage like this one. But she explained that this place was not their home but the vacation house, and even before the apocalypse, the power went down once a day so they decided to get a generator and with time they stocked on fuel that could last them a year.

He stripped down, carefully steeping in the old tub and pulling on the curtains, before turning on water and letting it beat over his head, and slowly drip down his hair and all the way to his body. The warm stream cleared his mind and relaxed his muscles, in one moment he found himself leaning against the cold tiles as his legs threatened to buckle from fatigue.

He lost track of the time, only coming back to reality once he felt the water getting cold. As a woman promised, the pile of freshly washed clothing was outside the bathroom, neatly folded on the floor. He blushed as he found she even got him a new set of underwear, with a tag still on, he found it inappropriate but he had a grandmother and knew that the sense of privacy was never strong when it comes to older people.

Once he was done, he slowly came downstairs where she was waiting for him, with food already served. His stomach growled at the sight of the full bow of stew and freshly baked bread.

He didn't say another word to her before he dug into the food, barely letting himself breath, once his stomach was full the shame washed over him as he glanced at the mess he made on his side of the table.
"I..I apologize."
The woman just chuckled, pleased with herself and the impact her cooking left on him.
"Oh don't worry, dear. I will take it as a compliment."
She smiled warmly as she filled his cup with tea.
"I hope you left some space for pancakes I took a liberty of making some while you were in the shower."
"I…I couldn't take…"
He decided to stop lying to himself the moment she placed the plate filled with pancakes on the table.

"You have a nice appetite." Woman smiled.
"I didn't eat this good for weeks even before the apocalypse."
"I'm sorry to hear that," her face fell down.
"Is it bad out there?"
He looked up from his plate, trying to figure out is she playing with him or simply doesn't know.
"I didn't look out, Ernest made me promise him I won't go outside of the house until he returns. He made me lock the door and not let anyone in."
"But the door is unlocked?"
"I unlocked them yesterday, figured he may have lost the key or something, he does that a lot. I didn't want him to be left locked out of his own house. My hearing is not good as it used to be and the noise… it attracts those things."
"When did you husband leave?"
"A week ago, left to see is there any medicine left somewhere. You see I am on insulin and I will run out of it in a few days. He didn't want to wait for the situation to get dire so he went out to find some, just enough so I can make it until the army gets here."
"Oh…" Negan wanted to say something, anything. But he is not a man who lies in situations like this, and he knew her Ernes is likely never coming back.
The woman looked at him sadly, nodding slowly before going back to her meal.

The rest of the dinner was quiet. Once they were done he was sitting on the sofa, looking at his reflection on the black TV screen, while the woman disappeared upstairs. He didn't ask her why or what she was doing, it was not his place to question anything she does. She gave him a shelter, fed him and insisted he at least spent the night in the guest room.

She really didn't know what was happening outside her four walls, he was sure of it the moment she told him, she is still waiting for the army to come and save them all.
He almost felt sorry for her but at the same time, he envied her, blissfully waiting for her man to come, as if time stopped for her the moment he walked out of the house.
Maybe it has, but he is not coming back and Negan feared what will happen to her once the clocks start turning again.

"I washed your clothes, it should be dry before the morning comes." The weak voice startled him, as the woman sat in the armchair, placed next to the sofa he was in.
"Why are you alone?" Her question hit him like a thunder, but he didn't see why he would lie to her, she was kind enough to him, kinder than most people ever were. He owed her the truth.
"My wife…she died from cancer the day this shit happened."
"Watch the language," she smiled, "You know we have a swear jar around here somewhere."
"For kids?"
"For Ernest." Her smile widened as it always did on the mention of her husband's name. "Go on."
Negan cleared his throat, shifting in his seat. "She…she became one of them…I…I… some kid killed her."
"Poor dear. That's terrible."
"I asked him to do it… for… for her. I couldn't leave her like that. I made many bad decisions in my time and I hurt her. I owed her at least a peace in death.. but I…I couldn't…I couldn't do it. So I asked him to do it for me."
"I understand." Woman nodded.
"You know. I was not Ernest first wife."
"Really?" Negan was more surprised by the sudden change of topic than with her statement, but he decided to play along. By now woman didn't say or do anything that didn't make sense so he was curious to see where she was heading with her story.

"Yes…His first wife she died from lounge cancer… at a very young age. I don't think they were married for more than two years. He was devastated, broken. He blamed himself for what happened to her. I met him a few years after that, I was smitten by him. His smile, his sense of humor. He was a bad boy, you know. Full of tattoos, riding a bike, living from one day to another. He was quite a catch and I was a bit of a rebel my self back in those days."
She giggled, blushing at some old memory.
"Really?" Negan couldn't help but smile at the sight of a young girl that somehow broke through to the surface. He could almost imagine how she was back in those days, daddies princes turned bad because of a boy her father would never approve.
"Yes… I was… can I tell you a little secret?"
She smiled mischievously as she leaned closer to him.
"I lost my virginity with him, and we weren't married at the time," she giggled before falling back in the armchair, hiding her smile behind her thin wrinkled fingers.
Negan chucked, shaking his head.
"My Ernest," she sighed, looking up at the ceiling, "he is my life, you know, and I am his. But before we met, he thought she was. He thought he should have died with her but then I came and with time, he became happy, he smiled a lot, became different man and stayed that way to this day. People used to tell me to give him up, that he is not for me. No one likes him even today, he is a rough man to some people, but he is always just. He has this sense of humor, some people find obnoxious, I find it to be the best part of him, a childish part he somehow managed to keep thought his life. He is a strong man with strong believes and he keeps to his word. Some people don't see those parts of him but I do. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I don't remember my life without him in it. When we meet, he had a lot of girls and he gave them all up for me, changed his life, became a family man and my rock. I am telling you this because there is a reason you are still alive, boy, and your place was not in the same coffin with your wife. It is a tough thing to say to someone I know but it is the truth. I see the strength in you, the same strength my Ernest has, don't lose it over a memory of a dead woman, don't lose your life because you think you are not worth it. I don't know what you did that made you think you are the one to blame for all the pain she went through and I don't want to know. But don't let it govern your life now, take the chance you were given and make something out of it."
"You are telling me to forget Lucile like she never lived?"
"No…no…no… my dear boy. I am saying take that pain, take that memory and let it make you stronger, let it build you up to the place you need to be. And in that place, you will find that person you should have been with from the very beginning. And before you say, it was your wife, she was that person, let me tell you something, you don't hurt the part of yourself without feeling pain and you didn't feel pain while you were hurting her so she is not a part of you."
"But...I feel pain…" Negan was barely keeping it together, he wanted to explode, to yell, what does that woman know. She doesn't know him, she didn't know Lucile. She knows nothing. But he didn't, he just kept listening unable to move, unable to walk away, just simply walk away and stop listening.
"That is not the pain you feel, dear boy, it's the guilt, the guilt that has no place to be there. You are not a God, son, you can't give someone cancer and you can't take it away. It is faith and it is cruel, but it is the way it is."

A woman stood up slowly, balancing herself with her stick.
"You should get some rest boy, you need it."
She left him alone, with the slow-burning candle as the only source of light and the only company. Negan didn't stay up long after that, deciding that the rest is more important than dwelling on the past and fearing the future.

OOO

Although he thought he won't be able to get any sleep after the conversation he and the woman had, he fainted the moment his head hit the pillow and didn't wake up until the sun was already high up on the sky.

He found his old clothing folded on the chair beside his bed and a leather jacket thrown over it.
Once he was dress he got down, only to be greeted with the overwhelming smell of breakfast and fresh coffee.
The woman looked like she was up for some time, as the room was cleaner that it was the day before, all dished from the last night washed her hair left untied to naturally dry as it danced around her hunched frame. Her bright colored dress was replaced by the black one, her apron gone.
"You finally woke up, come have a set. I made us a breakfast."
"I see," Negan smiled sitting down on the chair closer to the stove.
"Why didn't you put on the jacket I left you?"
"That was for me?"
"Well, I don't see anyone else around here for whom it can be."
"But…"
"It belongs to my Ernes, but I think he won't mind for you to have it. The winter is close, you will need something to keep you warm."
"You're sure your husband won't mind. I don't want him to hunt my ass down in the fit of jealousy."

The woman chuckled, two large red sport appearing on her cheeks.
"You are so sweet, I won't even be mad about your language. But don't worry about him; I am sure he won't mind."
"I just don't want to cause you any problem."
She sighed, sitting down on the chair next to him, placing her hand over his.
"I may be old, boy, but I am not stupid, I know my love won't ever come back."
"I…" Negan was at a loss for words, what to say to someone so broken as she was. His heart stopped beating for a second at the sight of her teary eyes, but still not one tear slipping down her cheek.
"It is alright dear… it is not your fault and I am sure he won't mind you having his jacket."

The rest of the breakfast was quiet, and the same silence continued as Negan packed his things ready to leave. He was reluctant, leaving that woman alone felt like leaving his own grandma, but he knew he can't stay and he can't bring her along.
The woman smiled as he walked to the door.
"You have to go, son. You can't stay here, your life is not here, with an old woman like me, you have to find your faith."
Not knowing why, he hugged her, as tightly as he could without fear he will break some of her fragile bones.
"Your children are lucky to have you as their mother," he whispered and she smiled, looking up at him.

"We never had any guess we were always enough for each other. But thank you for the sentiment; it warms these old bones to hear such kind words in a world like this."
"And remember, don't dwell on the past while the future awaits you."
Negan nodded opening the doors ready to leave.

"Ernest!" the woman screamed behind him, pushing him gently away and stepping outside.
Negan turned around, ready to great the man, happy he won't be leaving her alone but his happiness quickly turned into a horror as he saw not a living man in the yard but a dead one. Slowly limping towards them.
"Ernest, my love. You came back to me!" The woman was about to leave when he grabbed her by her upper arm, keeping her in place. He looked at the man, not speaking; he had a bullet wound in his belly, Negans gut turned, it was not the walkers who got him, but the living people. They shot down an old man who was only trying to get back to his wife, a man who was not a threat to anyone, a man with only one wish, to be reunited with the woman he loved.

"Let me go! Let me go to my Ernest!"
Woman wiggled in his grip trying to get away.
"That is not your husband, not anymore." Negan looked at her his eyes filled with tears.
"He will kill you if you go to him."
She stopped moving, looking up at him, her eyes clear, a faint smile tugging up her lips.
"That's my Ernest, and whatever he is and where ever he went, I want to go with him, his faith is my faith, it has always been like that. He is a part of me and he came back for me, he came back to take me away. Don't cry dear, I don't have much time left anyhow, I would rather die in the embrace of the one I love than alone, between this four walls."
"I… I'll stay with you."
"That is not your faith, son," she places her hand on his cheek, stroking it gently, "you are meant for great things not for babysitting an old woman who is mourning her husband. Let me go, let me be with him that's where I belong and you go find a place where you belong."
"I..I don't even know your name."
"Helen, it's Helen dear. Remember me sometimes and what I said to you, don't let this old woman be forgotten. And now let me go. I need to leave."

He reluctantly released her arm looking at her as she let go of her stick, straightening her back and proudly walking towards the thing that was once her husband, her Ernest.
"I am here my love," she opened her arms, wrapping them around that thing, and Negan could swear at that moment, the walker did the same wrapping his arms around her, seconds before he bit down her neck.
He couldn't watch anymore, picking up his backpack and running away.

OOO

Sitting in the dark room of the Sanctuary, listening to the soft snoring sound Alice was making, he thought about that day and that moment. And as hard as he tried he couldn't remember the woman screaming in pain, he couldn't remember any sound she made except the soft giggle as that thing wrapped its arms around her. It was a long time ago everything about that day and that woman seemed like a dream, something his mind made up, but it wasn't, the leather jacket thrown over the sofa earlier that night was a proof enough.
Helen... he smiled to himself, looking out of the window at the starry sky. He didn't think about her for a long time, but the past events and what was to come brought up the memory.
"I haven't forgotten you, my friend. Hope your swear jar is full up there. Thank you."
He went back to the bed, moving closer to Alice and wrapping his arms tightly around her, moving her hair to the side and softly kissing her neck.