I just watched this YouTube video called "Goodbye Oikawa Tooru" and this fic is heavily inspired by both that and my own depression :)
Enjoy!
"Hey, Iwa-chan…"
"What is it, Shittykawa?"
"Do you believe that there's something more, after death?"
"What the hell kind of question is that?"
"Just wondering…so, do you?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't. You can't ask me a question and then be dissatisfied with my answer!"
"Well, I believe there is something more."
"Oh?"
"I think that, after death, you get to see your loved ones again."
"Hm."
"Do you have any loved ones, Iwa-chan, that you want to see after death?"
"Not at the moment."
oOo
Iwaizumi sat at the edge of his bed, staring at the floor between his feet, where his open cell phone lay. Why the hell…would I think of that conversation…of all the memories in my head… The screen light on his cell phone darkened, then went black. Just a few moments prior, he'd received a call. A heartbreaking call.
oOo
"You're not really going to stay late today, are you?" Iwaizumi said to Oikawa after practice was over and the tall brunet still stood in the gym. The sky outside was darkening, the wind picking up and carrying the smell of rain with it. "If you don't leave now, you're going to get wet on your way home."
Oikawa smiled at him. "I'll be fine, Iwa-chan. You don't have to worry so much, unless you want those forehead creases to be permanent!" Iwaizumi gave him a light-hearted slap on the shoulder, but still caught himself glancing worriedly at Oikawa's knee. The brunet noticed the gaze, shifted his weight self-consciously, laughing a little. "I'm fine Iwa-chan, honestly! Now, get going so I can practice."
Iwaizumi wondered briefly if he should A) force Oikawa to leave with him, B) stay with Oikawa to make sure he really didn't overdo it, or C) just go home and do his homework. After a slight hesitation, Iwaizumi shrugged. "Ok, Trashykawa," he muttered, picking the obvious choice. After another pause, his eyes drifting to Oikawa's knee again, he said, "Hey…call me if you need to, ok?"
Oikawa's smile disappeared. "Yeah, ok," he said, turning to pull the cart of volleyballs closer to him. Twisting to face Iwaizumi over his shoulder, Oikawa let a grin ghost over his face. "After all, you'd get lonely without me, right, Iwa-chan?" There was no teasing tone in his voice.
Iwaizumi simply nodded and turned to walk out the door, adjusting his bag on his shoulder as he went.
oOo
The rain that the wind had promised was now thrumming against the ground. Iwaizumi listened to its gentle noises, staring numbly at the phone on the ground. "My fault…" Iwaizumi heard his own voice say, even though he had no recollection of making the decision to let the words fall from his lips. "This is all my fault…"
He'd had three choices that day. And he'd chosen the wrong one.
oOo
"Iwaizumi? Iwaizumi Hajime?" the voice on the other end of the phone asked.
"Yes, that's me," Iwaizumi answered dryly, "Who's this?"
"I'm very sorry," the voice said, "Your friend gave us this number as an emergency contact. We need you at the hospital immediately."
Iwaizumi straightened up, his grip on the phone tightening. "Is it his knee again? Is he ok?"
There was a sigh on the other end of the phone. "No…he was in an accident. I'll explain everything when you get here. I'm…I'm not sure if he's going to make it."
oOo
Iwaizumi suddenly leapt to his feet. "What the hell am I doing?!" he shouted, stumbling on numb legs to the front door, slamming his feet into his shoes. Yanking the door open, Iwaizumi rushed out into the pouring rain, barely feeling the cold drops sliding over his skin and soaking into his clothes. I have to go to him…I have to go to Oikawa…
Kicking one leg out after the other, Iwaizumi raced down the street. The hospital was only a few blocks away. There was a tightness in his throat, a stinging in his eyes. Through the roar of the rain, Iwaizumi growled, "You better not die on me, Shittykawa." The rain dripping down his face tasted strangely salty.
oOo
"Hey, Oikawa?"
"What is it, Iwa-chan~~?"
"A while ago, you asked me what I thought was after death."
"I remember. So, did you change your mind?"
"You could say that…"
"Did something happen?"
"You could say that, too."
"Aw, Iwa-chan…"
"So…you think you get to see your loved ones after death?"
"Do you think that, Iwa-chan?"
"I don't know…but I hope it's true."
oOo
Iwaizumi burst into the hospital room, panting and dripping wet from the rain. Doctors and nurses bustled around the hospital bed, where Iwaizumi caught a glimpse of a familiar pale face under rain-soaked brown hair. "Oikawa!" he gasped out, stumbling forward. A nurse appeared before him, steadying him with a grip he hardly felt.
"Please, sir," the nurse said, her fingers tightening around his arms. "We're doing everything we can right now. You're going to have to step back."
"No," Iwaizumi shook his head, "You don't understand. The doctor, he called me…I need to be here…"
"I understand, sir," the nurse said gently, "But right now, you just need to give him space—let the doctor do what he can."
Iwaizumi stared at the nurse's face, then at the hospital bed. One of the nurse at the bed moved and Iwaizumi saw a flash of crimson on the ghost-white skin of Oikawa's face. He looked back at the nurse. "What the hell…happened to him?"
The nurse was growing taller—no, Iwaizumi was shrinking. His knees hit the ground, the impact jolting up his spine. The nurse's face was in front of him again. "Sir, take a deep breath," she commanded, and Iwaizumi turned his blank gaze onto her. "Your friend…was in a car accident. The driver who hit him is still in the lobby. Please, sir, if anyone can save your friend, we can. We just need some space, ok?"
Iwaizumi stared numbly at her. "Yeah," he mumbled, "Yeah, ok." The nurse smiled reassuringly, giving his arm a squeeze before disappearing into the throng of people that surrounded the hospital bed like anxious vultures waiting for their prey to stop struggling.
oOo
"Iwa-chan, I missed you so much!"
"You were only gone for a week."
"A week is too long without my best friend!"
"Gah, get off me, Shittykawa! What the hell are you going to do without me?"
"What do you mean, without you?"
"I mean, about college! After high school, do you honestly think we'll still be together all the time like we are now? Eventually you have to deal with being alone."
"Aw, Iwa-chan sounds scared for me. How many times have I told you not to worry about me? Your hair's going to turn gray at this rate."
"I'm not worried, idiot! I'm just saying, you need to grow up at some point."
"It almost sounds like Iwa-chan's talking about himself."
"Huh?"
"Will you be scared without me, Iwa-chan? Will you miss me? Will you cry when I'm gone?"
"Shut up, Shittykawa! D'you really think I'll ever cry over you?"
oOo
The doctors worked tirelessly. Iwaizumi sat against the wall, where the nurse had left him, numb and helpless. All he could do was watch. Watch and hope. Why wasn't I there with him? Why did I let him stay and practice longer? Why didn't I force him to come home with me? He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging harshly at the dark strands. What the hell kind of friend am I?
Suddenly the doctor was in front of him, kneeling down and putting a hand on his shoulder. Iwaizumi glanced up, meeting the man's tired gray eyes. "Iwaizumi Hajime," the doctor spoke slowly, methodically. "We did all that we could. Your friend…he just wasn't able to pull through."
Iwaizumi fixed his dumb gaze on him. "Wh-Wha—?" he gaped, confused. What are you saying?
The doctor glanced back at the hospital bed, where a few nurses were comforting each other with murmured words and gentle pats. On the hospital bed lay the unmoving body of Iwaizumi's longest friend. A body that would never move again.
oOo
A month later
It had taken time. A lot of time. But Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa would never forgive him if he gave up on volleyball—though he couldn't imagine having someone other than Oikawa setting for him. Still, after weeks of grieving, Iwaizumi found himself back on the court again. On the other side stood Karasuno. This is my first practice match since…He refused to think about it. If he broke down now, on the court, he'd surely never be able to live it down.
He glanced around at his teammates. They'd all been broken up when they'd heard the news. They hadn't been sure what to do. Some left the club for a bit. Iwaizumi never tried to stop them. They all came back in the end, anyway. Even Iwaizumi himself.
Iwaizumi heard a soft whisper from the other side of the net. "Hey, Kageyama…where's the Great King, d'ya think?" Snapping his head around, he saw the short ginger—Hinata or something—standing on his tiptoes to murmur in Kageyama's ear. The duo met Iwaizumi's glare and suddenly froze, falling silent.
That practice match was one of the worst defeats that Aoba Johsai had ever endured. Without Oikawa to keep the team together, they ended up a complete mess of uncoordinated players. "I had no idea how much he did for us," Hanamaki panted out at one point during the match, turning to meet Iwaizumi's eyes. "Do you really think we can keep going like this?"
Iwaizumi had hesitated—how he longed to say no, and give up on everything! But… "Yes," he replied firmly, meeting everyone's gaze in turn. "It's what he would've wanted. He put in the effort to make this team something—we have to carry it on!"
"Yeah!" the team responded, but the smiles were half-hearted and cheap. Iwaizumi knew that the same thought was in all of their minds.
Can we really?
oOo
"Hey, Iwa-chan?"
"Hm?"
"D'you think there's other life out there, y'know, in space somewhere?"
"I guess nothing's impossible."
"Hey, Iwa-chan?"
"What?"
"You never really give me concrete answers."
"Hm."
"See! Right there! Non-concrete answer!"
"You didn't even ask a question!"
"Still! It makes me feel like you're not listening to me."
"Maybe you're not worth listening to."
"Mean Iwa-chan!"
"Quit pouting already. You look ridiculous."
"Hey, Iwa-chan?"
"What now?"
"You'll be my best friend forever, right?"
"What's that all about?"
"Just making sure."
"Yeah, whatever."
"Hey, Iwa-chan?"
"Stop saying 'hey, Iwa-chan,' it's getting seriously annoying."
"Sorry."
"What is it?"
"Well, I was just thinking…it's such a big world, right? There's so many people, and things, and maybe even life we don't know about. So…if I wasn't here, do you think you'd still be lonely?"
"What the hell? You're not going to kill yourself, are you?"
"Of course not! I'm just saying…my existence in general is pretty insignificant. So I just want to know if I would impact at least one person."
"Yeah, sure, I'll be a little sad."
"Only a little? Would you shed a tear at the absence of my pretty face, Iwa-chan?"
"I thought you wanted to be serious here!"
"I am, I am! I would cry if you were gone, Iwa-chan."
"Oh?"
"Yup. Because I love you, Iwa-chan."
oOo
I love you, Iwa-chan. Of all the mistakes Iwaizumi had made in his life, all the guilt in the world lay in one moment of his life. That moment. The moment where Oikawa had uttered those words, staring up at Iwaizumi beneath the dark night sky where they had been stargazing. The moment where the tall brunet became serious for a few moments, his brown eyes gazing into Iwaizumi's without the usual twinkle of mischief. The moment where Iwaizumi's childhood crush finally—finally—said the words he'd been dreaming of hearing for his whole life.
And the moment when Iwaizumi didn't say it back.
Only now it was too late to say it back.
Now it was too late to do anything.
Now Iwaizumi would have to live with the guilt for the rest of his life.
No matter how many times he visited the cemetery;
No matter how many nights he clasped his hands together and begged;
No matter how many words he spoke to the letters carved into the cold stone;
No matter how many tears he shed at the horrid unfairness of it all;
Oikawa would never hear his reply.
"I love you too…Tooru."
oOo
Well, I tried my best…
IB: this horribly sad YouTube vid called "Goodbye Oikawa Tooru"
Were the switches between past and present too confusing? I don't know, I was trying to make it dramatic, I think I just made it impossible to read xD
Please review and help a gal out!