The Phantom of the Opera
Title: Backward Glances
Chapter: One "Missing"
"Isn't there anything I can do, Christine? Can I do nothing to discourage you from this decision?" Christine looked up tat her husband of the past year and a half. He had given her everything she could possibly want. The only thing he couldn't do for her, was fill the hole in her heart, this terrible ache in her very soul. It had started from the moment they had consummated their marriage and lasted till now. She couldn't take it anymore and had finally told Raoul the truth; she was in love with him, but the only person who could heal her soul, and bring music back to her heart, was Erik. She had known this all along but she feared the dark, unpredictable side to Erik. He was her mentor, teacher, friend, and lover, in a way. She had never let anyone but him know the inner working of her heart so in a sense he was her most intimate companion. But that horror hiding inside that burst forth when he murdered to people was a fear of hers that she couldn't shake. Through the feeling of dread and the fear of his temper, she wanted to try and see if her love was strong enough to withstand the rough times she knew she faced. She wanted to know without a shadow of a doubt that he would be the one to fill the missing piece of her heart. She had argued with herself that once again using Erik for her own self-realization was selfish, but the selfishness had won out the noble feelings. Of course what was noble about marrying a man when you loved another in the first place? Raoul's voice pierced her thoughts.
"Christine?"
"I-I'm sorry Raoul but there is no other way. I can't shake this feeling that I'm missing something. I have to try,.." Raoul let out a sigh. At the beginning of this…discussion he was yelling. But now… Now he looked completely defeated. A mad man whom lived in an opera house never usurped a man of his stature, for that she was sure. Christine felt a small amount of humor in thinking she had won some sort of record in the category of strangest choices in men since the dawn of time. Raoul let himself fall onto the setè behind him, letting out an exasperated sigh.
"I know you want to try this but have you considered what would happen if he rejects you? Or f you don't feel this illusive completeness you are looking for? What will you do then?" He raked and shaking hand through his hair. "I can't let you come back. I love you Christine but if you leave, you can't ever return." Christine did not look the least bit surprised or upset by his latest sentiment. His reaction was expected. Raoul was a kind and giving man but even he had a reputation to uphold.
"I have absolutely no intention of returning." Chritine spoke in a bland monotone to disguise that she was stung by his harsh words. They were expected but it made the pain no less. "I will NOT return." With that she left her ex-husband there in the living room and ran up the stairs to their room. She stuffed what she could into her trunk, and left things of no importance. Soon she would be with Erik. She would be happy, and for once in her life she would feel complete. She finished loading and went to the front door where the carriage was waiting, waiting to take her to the opera where her Erik was. HER Erik? Where had that come from? When did he go from Phantom of the Opera to Angle of music to HER Erik? Would her even take her back? Would her take one look at her and send her away? She froze, horrified. Could he? Could he push her aside just as she had done to him? Had she hurt him so badly that he would not allow her to stay? That possibility would always be there. After all she had done the same in the first place.
"Oh Lord!" She choked out. What if she was too late? What if he had given up every hope of her return? A thought crossed her mind that made her heart clinch, as she gasped out in pain, "No!"
What if he never escaped the mob in the first place?
Tears filled her eyes, threatening to spill over. She wouldn't be able to handle the absolute anguish if he hadn't survived. She would simply die. Life would just have no meaning anymore. It would seize to exist. She wiped her hand over her eyes quickly, not giving into the disturbing thoughts.
She tried to focus on happier things. She tried to focus on questions about her future that weren't bad. She struggled to think of something, anything, which would ease the worry consuming her. Her mind wandered to Raoul then though he was half the source of her worry for a while. She went through many of her memories. Recalling the ones that were prominent in her mind. She remembered her wedding day. The pre-marital jitters were intense but so was her happiness. She couldn't think of anything better than a life with her childhood sweetheart. She shuttered to think how delusional she had been. It was terrifying to think that on that fateful night, the night that was supposed to be one of the most important of her life, would be the one to shatter her beautiful fairytale. One night would change everything. It would open her eyes to how she felt, and what she was missing.
That night had started out well enough, well before it came down to the very act the wedding night entailed. She had been overly nervous but he told her it was normal. Christine was beautiful but was surprisingly self-conscious of her self being exposed to anyone let alone a man. When the articles of clothing started to disappear and less was separating them, she became frightened. She doubted her husband would receive her well. Her fears were in vain. He quickly eased her fears with his gentle words and soft touches. He brought her pleasure, that was certain, but something was missing from that glow. Physically it could not have been better but something was not right in her heart, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
The troublesome thoughts had continued when they discussed having children. Considering the way Christine felt, she couldn't justify bringing a child into the world with a mother that was so mixed up in her feelings. She wanted to have children with a man she was comfortable with and suddenly Raoul was no longer that man. She did everything short of running from the room to avoid intimacy. Mostly during the day she could ignore the dull ache in her heart but it was as if it was intensified beyond what could be imagined during that act. She couldn't stand putting herself through that mental torment.
That's when the thoughts of Erik started. At first it was thoughts of detest and anger. Thinking that he had invaded her mind and the horrible feelings she was having were his way of paying her back for her thoughtless rejection. Her heart softened eventually and the thoughts took at turn to 'I hope he's ok.' And 'I wonder what he's doing now.' As her thoughts slowly shifted into fantasies and the fantasies turned to hope and want, it was inescapable. There was no escaping the thoughts, the feelings. She did everything she could to stop thinking about it when she realized what was happening. When she sang she heard the echo of his voice, so she stopped singing. She saw his face when she dreamed so she hardly slept. No matter what she did though, nothing stooped the echoes of his voice or the shadows of his shape. His presence was intoxicating and couldn't be ignored. Her heart began to ache for her to stop all the pretending.
She had denied her heart for so long. She dreamt of him often and every time she felt more complete than in the last. She knew in her heart that he was what was missing, though he couldn't bring herself to face it. Give up the security and love here, for a future of endless questions? She had fallen in love with a man who was not her husband and now faced the consequences. When she realized the magnitude of Erik's hold on her, she waited a few days and confronted Raoul.
His reaction was easy to predict. At first he displayed a mixture of shock and hurt then it turned swiftly into anger. He wouldn't hurt her of course but the china would never be the same. In the end the only argument that he held to was that he didn't want her hurt. He knew there was a possibility of rejection or that she may not find him. He had pleaded with her for hours. In the end she could not be swayed. Nothing he could say or do would keep her in that house for a moment longer once her resolve was made. She wanted Erik and that was final, but she remembered what Raoul told her.
"Please if you must go, write me Christine. Please just tell me you are all right. I can't put myself through anymore than that, but I won't live with myself if there is any question of your safety. Well, any less safe than loving a murderer to begin with." He had mumbled the last sentence as an after thought, though Christine heard it anyway. Christine began to drift off, as her lids grew heavy with exhaustion. She had to leave in the dead of night not to let the neighbors see her leave. It was Raoul's idea though she wondered if he'd thought that a midnight escape would just cause more gossip. The thought brought a tiny smile as she settled into the soft cushions. The tiny carriage sped though the streets as her dreams took flight.
Floating…Why am I floating? Where am I? I can not see the ground or sky it's all to hazy…Where am I?!
The thoughts ran rampant through her head as she attempted to run out of her daze. She soon realized she was in the clouds and began to look around, as if searching for something familiar, something to ground her to reality.
As she floated along she came across a large dark cloud and a smaller light gray one. She could see the other side through the gray cloud but the black abyss beside it…She could see nothing but darkness. The gray cloud although much less menacing and much more approachable did not give her the same level of undeniable curiosity that the large black one did. She could tell where the gray cloud ended but she thought that the only way to get to the right road was to go through the black cloud. That darkness called to the more curious and adventurous side to Christine. She followed her heart and went through the cloud. Everything around her was black with a single point of light. That light brought upon a new hope, glorious and fresh. A calm and gentle voice glided through the mist.
"Christine…"
The gentle voice of the cab driver brought her back to reality, however much she tried to stay away. "Miss Daae, we've arrived." He glanced back at her. His voice had been severe and his expression hardened compared to the melodic sound his voice usually carried. The same man drove her to her new house after her honeymoon. A shiver ran up her spine at the thought of the huge differences the two rides held though both serving the same purpose: to end one part of life and begin a new one. Their gazes met only for a moment but that was enough. She caught a glimpse of what lay there, genuine fear and sadness for her.
"Good evening." Was Christine's simple reply as she exited the carriage. She looked back at him over her shoulder. "And thank you, for everything." She said with sincerity. He merely nodded and handed her luggage. He left her there in the cold moonlight with only the sharp sounds of the horse's huffs on the stone of the road to be heard. Dark and cold, hopefully that did not reflect her future.
Christine looked up at the magnificent Opera Populair that was her home for so long. She sighed blissfully at the memories. Her small hands, quivering partly from the excitement and partly from the cold, grasped the large handle on the door. She remembered everything so vividly. She could almost hear the music filling the room as chorus girls circled and danced in beautiful patterns.
She headed straight for her room. She looked around at the dead plants and flowers. The ribbons, sheets, curtains, all burned in the fire. Her heart hurt to see the destruction but more than that, it fueled her resolve to see Erik. She went through the mirror and into the catacombs, brushing the cobwebs out of her face. It was almost to dark to see but a single torch had been lit in the hall and that was enough light to propel her through. She climbed into the boat at the end of the maze and gently rowed to shore. She looked up when she landed to find herself starring into the back of a man sitting at the piano, a sad lullaby making it's way to her ears.
A/N: So that's the end of chapter one. Please tell me if you like it or not. Every harsh thing you can think of is welcomed with open arms, as long as it is for constructive purposes. Don't be afraid to be completely honest!