A/N: hi, all! So I know I'm still working on that Tedtoire, but I've been in a really Jily mood lately and I haven't done much for my OTP in a while so I decided to just improvise some drabble. It's definitely not great, and it was originally on my Tumblr but I'm like, "You know what? I should just put this on so I did. Shameless self-promo here but my tumblr is arrogantbullying-toerag and my Harry Potter Instagram is .toerag
Disclaimer: everything is JKR's, except for my writing because of it was hers it would be so much better
When he looks at her, he feels something so deep in his heart it hurts. Like he could stare at those freckles and long legs and red hair for all eternity.
When he lies down in his four-poster at all hours in the morning, his thoughts aren't about the misadventures and the laughter he just shared with his friends. His mind is full of her and her smile and her laugh.
He takes what he can get, and what he gets is her temper and her flare but he takes it, he takes it all. He loves that part of her too. She's a firecracker of a girl.
He can't help but love her, love the way her name feels on his tongue, the way she throws herself into whatever she does. He loves passion and he is passion.
He doesn't want to act like a lovesick puppy. He doesn't want to be defined by a girl. He doesn't want to doodle initials onto the corner of his test papers and he doesn't want to dream about things that will never happen between them.
He knows that though he could live off of this love forever, feed on it year after year, thrive on his obsession for her until the end of time, he can never have her. He'll never have 'till death do us part' or 'from this day forward.' At least, not with her. If he tries hard enough he can almost consider life after school. Without her. He supposes he'd have to carve his heart out of his body, but he could.
He wants to live his own life. He doesn't want to be thinking about her constantly. He doesn't want her to hate him anymore.
He decides to stop loving her. He makes himself not stare at her in class. He goes to the kitchens with his friends at midnight, coming back so tired he falls asleep without thinking about her. He eats breakfast late right before class starts so he doesn't have to watch her scoop the jelly out of her tarts and wonder what breakfast with her would be like if they had a house of their own. He almost throws away the love letters he never sent but he can't bring himself to do it so he stuffs them back into the drawer they came from.
He doesn't stop loving her. But he pretends he does.
He doesn't think he could ever stop loving her but if he tries hard enough then maybe life can go on without her and maybe he will manage to rotate with the earth when his world has already stopped the moment he saw Lily Evans.