The only thing I always wanted was to feel that I really belonged here, that I have always been part of a family, that I am a living being, that I am in this world for a real reason, not a being that exists because it was assigned a function, that I'm close to you. Your presence is my maximum reward, I don't want that to end, I don't want to lose that, I want it to remain forever, because you are the origin of everything.
The present is what really matters to me, my life revolves around you, your decisions have given life to my decisions, and your actions have unleashed mine. But I know that it can't last forever, I know that nothing is eternal, not even you, not even the admiration I feel for you, not even the desire I feel to please you or those around me. However, the wind changes, the tide changes, the seasons change; you changed, I changed. My feelings do not change, they are simply confused and have rebelled.
My true feelings are not what you see at first glance, nobody knows what really happens inside me, nobody knows what they have made me feel over the years, and I do not think they really understand it, even if they do not Intentionally, they hurt me every day of my life. For they completely ignore the condition of my soul. But the truth always comes to the surface, no matter how long it has been hidden, both good and bad things are shattered by the weight of truth. My life becomes a puzzle in which the parts give shape to what I was, what I am and what I will be, everything depends on how they are after putting them together again. But even if you put them all together, they will never be as they were before, they will never be what they were before. I don't know if this is how they really were, nor do I know if this will work well. I don't know if what I have now before me is what I really want, or what I really am. I just want to meet my true self.
I can't deny what is hidden inside me, that which cries out, which makes me turn my back on my pain, on my feelings, on those around me, whom I feel deep in my being who are the cause of all my problems. The words I pronounce are like sharp daggers, aimed at the hearts of the people who hurt me, they are at the same time the faithful reflection of my pain, the double-edged sword that hurts others as deep as myself. I try to hide my own pain under the pain I cause to others, I rejoice in my achievements, I take pride in how far I have come after taking a different path. A path made up of lies, in which I have confided that they will lead me to happiness, but for the only thing that they have served me is to cause pain, to destroy, to hurt others and myself. Living a fantasy is not living, it is simply acting in a play without beginning or end, just repeating the same scene over and over again, waiting for the applause of the end that will never come. I rebel against my pain, I rebel against the people who have caused that pain, I rebel against what I really want, just to feel that I can do what I want and pretend that I do not care about others anymore.
I do not want my true feelings to make me return, because I have already gone too far, because I have taken a path of no return, which has taken me far from my original path. A path that was made of glass that broke under the weight of my actions, actions that determined who I am now. Although I'm not sure I know who I really am.
No one can see my original self anymore, I don't want anyone to see my original self. And although they saw it, it is now very small, it is only a memory under my current and enormous shadow. A shadow so deformed, that I do not even recognize; I wonder if that shadow really is mine.
And I don't want to go back now, because I've already accepted that I made bad decisions and I'm afraid to face reality. Reality that I distorted to the point that not even the truth is acceptable, because lies and chaos are now what represent me before others, now nobody understands my reality. My false reality made of pain, made of spite, even though my true reality is made of sadness. Happiness is as fragile as glass, the slightest blow can break it into a thousand pieces.
I just want to find out where I'm going, where I'll go if I keep going down this road. Will it be the path to redemption or will it be the path that will lead me to my downfall? Will I be able to recognize my mistakes and amend them or will I be condemned to loneliness? Will I be able to look at others again face to face or will I always have to look over my shoulder?
Maybe, someday I'll find out.