Special thanks to Ariinya14. You really helped me out by editing it. I'm sorry it took me so long to get it posted.
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Abby looked around at the blood and broken bodies and wanted to weep. She glanced at her companions, relieved none were looking at her. She needed a moment to compose herself after another pointless battle. How many were dead now because of her? How many more would be before her luck finally ran out?
"Abby?" Fenris asked coming closer to her, his eyes full of concern. Apparently she'd not masked herself as well this time. She forced a smile that she hoped would convince him that she was fine.
They had only recently reconnected after their three year separation. He was much sweeter and more attentive towards her, even in public, but he wouldn't understand what she was going through. None of her friends would.
They all expected her to be the Champion. The mighty and crafty rogue who'd bested the Arishok, who laughed in the face of danger, and who lived for the next adrenaline fueled battle. She had a secret that she couldn't share with any. She hated all the fighting. She'd never wanted to be the fighter she'd become. She'd always dreamed of a nice and safe life. But she'd been forced to put aside her dreams a long time ago.
She had to be the brave one for her family, the one to make the hard choices, the big sacrifices. To keep them safe, she'd have done anything, including becoming the master fighter she was today. Fighting came easily for her. She was good at it, a natural as her father had once called her. It didn't mean she liked it though. Necessity had forced her hand, and she'd refused to complain about it. It was just how it was, she'd always thought. Someday it would be different, she had promised herself, but it never was.
As she'd met her friends, she'd had to fight for them as well. Isabela was being hunted. Varric was always finding some sort of trouble for them. Merrill was a magnet for demons. Anders was a constant source of worry with too many enemies to count. Sebastian needed help with his family assassins or with protecting the Chantry. Aveline had enemies of her own and liked to call on Abby when she needed an extra hand or something outside of the guards realm. And Fenris had been hunted by slavers and a magister. Though they'd finally stopped that.
She liked to help people, she really did. She just was so very tired of it all. She wanted that life that others had. She wanted a chance to do something other than fight.
"What's wrong? Are you injured?" Fenris asked lightly touching her shoulder as he ran his eyes over her. She was covered in blood, but as far as he could tell, none of it was her own.
"I'm fine." She said, glancing away as she did. Fenris knew she wasn't being truthful, but he understood not wanting to talk in front of the others. "I just want to go home and get cleaned up." She wrinkled up her nose as she moved closer to him. "Blood is so difficult to get out of this fur lined armor you know."
"Want a hand with it all?" He asked cutting his eyes to her. He still asked to be invited over even though he was basically living with her now. Neither of them were sure how to broach the subject of a permanent solution to their living arrangements, each fearing the other wasn't ready for that sort of commitment.
"Me or my armor?" She asked, her eyes sparkling with mischief. He loved when she had that look. It was rare to see her happy lately. He wasn't sure what to do to make it better, but he desperately wanted to.
"I did say with it all."
"Hmm. I think that I could definitely use a hand. Or two." She said biting her lip as he gave her that special smile that was hers alone.
"What luck that I have two who love to be of use to you."
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Fenris waited until they were retiring for the night before he decided to find out what had been bothering Abby. She was quieter than normal. He turned to her as soon as they were shut up in her room.
"You're so tense, Fenris. Do you want me to give you a massage?" She asked as he pulled her to him.
"Yes…no." He said wavering in his resolve. He craved her touch, but he didn't want to be distracted. He had little doubt that's what she was doing right now. Abby did not like to have serious conversations. Fenris had noticed that she hated confrontations. Which, in his mind, seemed a direct contradiction to the life she lived. "I was thinking we could talk instead."
"We can talk while I rub your back." She insisted. She had been sure she'd got away with her slip earlier when he'd not brought it up again. She should have known better. Fenris was nothing if not patient.
Fenris pulled her to the bed, forcing her to sit beside him. "I want to know what was wrong earlier. You looked so sad. I've not seen you look that defeated since…" He trailed off because the last time he'd seen her that defeated had been when he'd left her.
She sighed and tried to find something to tell him. "I was just tired."
"It was more than just that."
"I was just tired. I'm tired of it all. Aren't you?" She asked as she got up to pace.
"You're tired of all of us?" Fenris asked feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under him again. He'd just started to really think about what it was he wanted to do with his new life and freedom, and now she was going to ask him to leave.
"No!" She said quickly and moved to kneel at his feet. She clasped his hands in hers and looked up at him. "You are my only bright spot in this mess. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here with me." She pressed a kiss to his knuckles.
"Then what are you tired of?" He asked as relief coursed through him.
"The constant fighting. What is really being changed? Bandits come back, new gangs pop up, templars abuse mages, mages turn to blood magic and demons. Nothing changes!"
"I thought you said not all mages turned to blood magic." Fenris said frowning at her. He wasn't sure what this outburst was really about, but Abby was a staunch believer in the mages needing a better lot than they had.
"Leave it to you to focus on that." She shook her head and got up to pace again. "I know that not all mages turn to blood magic. I'm not saying I've changed my mind. I'm just saying I'm tired of the fighting."
"But aren't you fighting to change that?"
"But I don't want to fight anymore!" She protested angrily as she leaned on her window sill, resting her head against the cool glass.
"It seems a little late for you to decide this now." He said confused by her anger. She had been fighting since the day he'd met her. She'd never wavered in doing what she thought was right or needed to be done. He'd often wondered why she continued as she did, but he'd decided it was just who she was.
"I never wanted this life!" She blurted out and realized she'd said too much.
They fell silent as each tried to think of what to say or do next. Fenris had never thought about her not wanting this life. He hadn't realized that she was sort of trapped by it. As he thought about it he realized she was as much a slave to this life as he'd been to Danarius.
He'd been bound by laws that kept him bound to his mage master. But she was bound by chains much more permanent and heavy. She was bound by her love and compassion.
He'd always known that she'd have done anything for her family. She loved them so much and only wanted to see them happy and safe. Then as she'd met each of her companions, she'd added them to what she considered her family. Each time something happened, she'd taken it as a personal failure on her part. She'd never been able to see that she couldn't single handedly prevent everything bad from happening to everyone of them.
"What life did you want?" Fenris finally asked watching her as her shoulders drooped.
"A simple kind of life." She answered after a moment.
"And what is a simple kind of life?" He pressed as she fell quiet.
"A life that doesn't involve so much fighting. Actually a life free from fighting would be ideal. I'd like a quiet little home somewhere. Maybe a few kids someday. I'd like…" She trailed off and took a breath. She was in this far, may as well confess it all, she thought. "Don't laugh, but I've always wanted a bit of land. I used to love our little farm. The work there was so satisfying. One time we went to Rainesfere. Have you heard of it?" She asked glancing at him. He shook his head. "It's a small bannorn in Ferelden. They have the most amazing apple orchards. We spent a summer there while Father filled an order for the bann. I fell in love with the orchards. I used to dream that someday I'd have my own. I'd grow apples, make cider and pies. I want to work the land and tend the trees. I want that peaceful, simple life." She sighed and turned back to the window. "I know it's silly, especially coming from Kirkwall's Champion, but that's what I wanted." As silence fell again, she turned back to face him and found him looking thoughtful instead of the disgust, worry, or worse the laughter she'd thought she'd see.
"It's not silly at all." He said after a moment.
"You don't think so?"
"I like apples."
"Don't make fun of me!" She said as he smiled.
"I'm not. I was hoping to make you smile. I'm still not very good at this comforting thing." He assured her as he moved to take her hands. "A life away from all this madness sounds wonderful. Perhaps someday we can find peace somewhere. Together." He said and watched her, waiting for her reaction.
"I find a bit of peace here whenever you're with me." She answered feeling relief that he'd not only accepted her dreams, but he wanted a peaceful life too.
"Then let us find some peace in each other's arms." He whispered as he lowered his head to kiss her. She was more than ready to let the conversation go and melted into his embrace.
Later after she'd fallen asleep, Fenris watched her. He hated to see her upset. He hated to think that he'd bound her to this life as much as the rest had. If he had to spend the rest of his life freeing her from her chains, he'd do it. Somehow he was going to find a way to make her dream a reality.