"You chose your Clan, remember?"
"That doesn't mean I didn't love you."
"Maybe you did. But it wasn't enough, was it?"
"Get away from her!"
I wake abruptly to a sky filled with stars, glittering silently above the WindClan camp. I close my eyes gently to relive my dream as it flickers back and forth in my head. Finally, like dew on grass in newleaf, it fades away, and I once again open them. This time, I take in my surroundings more clearly. It seems like it must be past moonhigh, but just barely, as the pure, white still has a while to travel before it reaches the horizon. Yesterday was the Gathering, so that means it's still very full. It also means I saw her again.
My blue eyes travel to the sleeping form curled up beside me; my mate, my love. "I swear, I do love you," I breathe, so lightly that the gentle greenleaf breeze sweeps my words away. Perhaps I do love her, if only slightly. But StarClan knows, the only reason I took her as my mate was to show loyalty to WindClan. In fact, if it weren't for that barbaric badger, I wouldn't even belong to WindClan. No, I'd be moons away, so that the Clan cats would never find me. My kits wouldn't have grown up in a web of lies and deceit, they would be loners, but brought up just like a warrior: strong, cunning, and loyal...
Every night, instead of laying here beside Nightcloud, I would be with the one cat who truly understands me. I know she's the one I loved, will always love, even though we can never be together. I would tell her how much I truly love her, and our kits, as her name passed over my lips, sending a shudder through me.
"Leafpool."
"You mean nothing to me, Leafpool. That moon has passed. My only loyalty is to WindClan, and I have no kits other than Breezepelt!
"You mean nothing to me...
"You're everything me, Leafpool..."
"Crowfeather?"
No longer am I on the island, surrounded by cats from all the Clans. I stare up at the cat who's woken me, but immediately shut my eyes once more at the harsh sun beating right into them.
"Crowfeather, get up, you lazybones! It's almost sunhigh!"
At once I leap to my paws. My still-asleep brain has recognized the voice, belonging to Nightcloud. I stare at her, then reach over to nuzzle her shoulder. She purrs at the gesture, but I look away from her. To her, and any other cat, it may look as if I'm surveying the camp, looking for Onestar or my mother, Ashfoot, our deputy. I hope so, anyways. The beautiful brown tabby is once again in my minds eye, looking just as startled as when I first admitted my love to her.
Perhaps she's shocked to find out I still think of her with every breath I take, I think in amusement, my whiskers twitching.
Unfortunately, the black cat beside me notices, causing her to purr even louder. I feel a rush of guilt as she asks me what I'm thinking of, but I cover with a quick lie, of how the Clan is thriving.
Before she can say any more, I hurry away, to see if any patrols are leaving.
"Crowfeather!" I turn to see a tabby scampering towards me. "Whiskerpaw and I are on patrol, could you come with us?"
"I'll be there in two heartbeats, Owlfur. May I grab something to eat first?"
"Of course! Just meet us at the Tallrock! I need to ask Kestrelflight something, anyways."
I head towards the fresh-kill pile as my stomach makes a growling sound. There's a rabbit right on top and I quickly dig in, then made for the Tallrock where Owlfur was grooming himself. Whiskerpaw's mouth gaped in a small yawn, but he didn't hesitate as we dashed off to patrol our borders.
"Where are we patrolling, anyways?" I ask, not even close to being out of breath.
"The ThunderClan border!"
My heart lurches, but I force my legs to keep moving. Just as I was trying to get her out of my head, I have to once more be reminded that never again can I entwine myself with her as the tabby's beautiful amber eyes bore right into mine.
Why StarClan, why?
At last, we reach the stream. The very stream where I used to meet her before her mentor found out.
"As for Crowfeather, I can't say I'm surprised. Do you think I haven't noticed the two of you at Gatherings? I'm not blind, Leafpool."
"Wait, this is between me and Leafpool. She's not betraying her Clan, if that's what you think."
"I never imagined she would. But she shouldn't be here with you, and you know that as well as I do."
"Crowfeather? I, uh, asked you a question..."
I shake my head and shoot the younger warrior an apologetic look. I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking, who I'm thinking of... "I'm sorry, Owlfur. What was that again?"
"Which way should we follow the stream?"
I flick my tail in a general direction, and the two cats happily follow, though Owlfur is supposed to be leading the patrol.
The scent of ThunderClan hits my scent glands, even stronger than the markers wafting across the stream. As I look across, I get a clean view of a Graystripe creeping up on a water vole. The three of us halt so as not to disturb his prey, and he kills it with a swift bite without a sound.
He glances towards up with a smile on his face, ignoring the fact that we're from two different Clans. I can't help but acknowledge the fact I once thought I was in love with his daughter, before she sacrificed herself for me.
"Good afternoon, Crowfeather!" He greets my companions with quick meows, but I figure he's talking to me, since I'm the eldest.
"And you, Graystripe. Are you on a hunting patrol?"
"I am! You must be on bor- oh! Spiderleg, hey! I got a plump water vole over here!" he hissed to the long-limbed tomcat. I decide that we should continue on our patrol, and perhaps catch some food like they have, but as I turn around, I feel my heart racing faster. She slinks out of the shadows of the forest quietly, and I'm sure not to make eye contact, but I feel her eyes briefly on my pelt, and it sends a thrill through me, just like it always has.
I hate the feeling just as much as I love it. As I love her.
Owlfur and his apprentice clearly haven't noticed my dilemma, as they shoot over a hill towards a rabbit. The ThunderClan hunters bound away, too; all but one, who's still focused on me.
I turn around to draw my lips up in a snarl, when I remember her last words she'd spoken to me.
"That doesn't mean I didn't love you."
Didn't? I search her gentle but wary gaze. Does she still love me, like I love her? Does she still think of me whenever she's alone? For the longest time, I had put her out of my head. I had had a new life, a new mate... but she came back. Just like she came back to her Clan, to all the Clans.
"You walk in my dreams, Leafpool..."
We stand there, watching each other, the only thing separating her from me is the flow of water. As I open my mouth, though my entire body is screaming at me not to speak to her, she beats me to it.
"I'm so sorry, Crowfeather."
For what, I wonder? For going back to her Clan when she knew how I much I needed her? For lying about her kits, for never telling me about them? Or for haunting my dreams every night, for lurking in my thoughts in wakefulness... for loving me?
"I can't get you out of my head Leafpool... I keep making mistakes..."
"Not sorry enough," I whisper back in pain, and her eyes flash with annoyance.
"It hurt me too. Leaving you, lying to everyone, having everything torn away from me in a single Gathering... but we survived, Crowfeather."
I long to ask her how she feels, what she's thinking of. Instead, I shoot back, "Yes, Leafpool, I understand it hurt you. But we could have been far away from the Clans by then, without anyone in our way."
"Your heart lies here. Not with me. It never truly was with me."
Her amber depths are no longer looking at me. Instead, they're looking far away, into the clouds, perhaps to StarClan. I have an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, and not from eating the rabbit to fast. It's love. This is how I felt when I saved her from the hollow, when I saw her at every Gathering, when we decided to leave, and when we parted ways. I love her, just as much as I did at all these points in time, if not more.
"I'll take care of you, Leafpool. I promise I'll take care of you..."
She looks at me with genuine regret. I want to hear her say it. I want to hear, just once more, what she hasn't said to me in moons.
"Crowfeather... I l-"
"Hey, Leafpool! You haven't caught prey yet, and the Clan needs fresh-kill! C'mon!"
She stops as she realizes what she was about to say. Looking once more to me, she bounds away and into the forest.
"You can't love me! I'm a medicine cat!"
I don't know how long I stood there after she left. I really don't. All I remember was voices passing through my mind, wanting to finish the patrol in a hurry, and getting on with my life. My life without her, or our kits, by my side.
"StarClan go with you, Leafpool. I'll never forget you..."
I hear Owlfur and Whiskerpaw bounding up from behind me. They must have caught the rabbit.
Before they arrive, I quickly whisper into the forest, "I will always love you, Leafpool..."
And then we returned to our border patrol.
So there you go. A nice, fluffy Crowfeather oneshot. I love this pairing more than my own life, and it's fun to write from first person!
Oh, what's that? My JayCinder story... erm, yeah, I'm working on it, calm down...
~Rain