Mal learned earlier than most kids what was and wasn't okay.
Even as a child, Mal was big. It quickly became obvious that in any fight, teachers and parents would assume that he started it. In any argument, he was wrong. If anyone was crying at the end of a namecalling session, Mal had threatened them.
Hitting people was Not Okay. Shouting was Not Okay. Disrespect was Not Okay. Mal was large and black, and he learned early in life that people would think he was angry, stupid and violent. He learned to be gentle, well-mannered and softspoken. He learned to use his natural intimidation factor to protect, never to bully. He learned that harsh words and tantrums from other children were okay, but not from him.
When Mal started playing football, he found a way to be free. On the football field, his strength, speed and intimidation were lauded and celebrated. Mal found he liked football shortly before discovering he liked footballers' bodies, and he very quickly learned that that, too, was Not Okay.
Mal joked in the locker room about girls' bodies and tried not to stare at his fellow players. He found community on the internet. He knew he couldn't tell his parents or football friends, but in the end, the internet wasn't enough. So Mal worked up his courage, and caught up with his best friend since childhood at a coffee shop.
"Why are we here?" Karen asked, stirring her iced coffee with a straw. She looked nervous.
How should he say it? He'd say it. He'd just say it. "I'm gay." There.
Karen's face broke into a wide grin.
"It isn't funny!"
"What? No! No, that's not... I'm sorry, I didn't mean it was. I totally support you. I just thought you were going to ask me to go out with you or something."
"Oh! I'm sorry. You didn't want that, did you?"
"Actually, I, uh, I have a bit of a secret there too..."
"Oh, don't tell me you're gay as well! If we've been keeping this secret from each other all this time – "
"No! I mean, I don't think so." She stared down at her drink. "Actually, I don't really like guys or girls. Yet. I mean I'm only fourteen, so maybe in the future..."
"Just yesterday you were staring at James' hindquarters and muttering 'damn, that butt'."
"Was I wrong?"
"No. No you weren't."
"Gotta keep up appearances. Being the only girl not talking about boys could be... well. So. Gay, huh. That explains the Superman posters."
Mal started to blush. "Superman is cool!"
"Sure he is, Mal."
"I just... I don't want anyone to know. Except you."
"I'll keep your secret. What are friends for?" Her eyes widened. "Actually, I have this idea that might help both of us."
"... how?"
Karen reached across the little table and put her tiny hand in his. She smiled.
"You want to fake..."
"Unless you want the boys to wonder why you never have a girlfriend."
"I don't want to hold you back. If, y'know, you decide you like someone."
Karen cocked an eyebrow. "Mal, two things are certain in life. One, you'd never let yourself hold me back. Two, I'd never let you hold me back."
"Yeah. Yeah, okay. We can give it a try. We hang out a lot anyway."
Karen put her free hand on his shoulder and pulled herself forward to give him a peck on the lips. "Then I'll see you in school tomorrow, Handsome."
"Oh my god, I knew you two would end up together!" Wendy squealed in delight as Mal and Karen walked through the school gates hand in hand. Karen smiled and leaned back against his chest. Mal kissed the top of her head.
"I gotta get going. Later, Handsome."
"Later, Beautiful."
Mal and Karen were a picture perfect item. Other men came to him for dating advice. How did he not get jealous of his girlfriend's guy friends? How did they manage not to fight over conflicting needs? Did he ever have to fight the temptation to cheat? Where did they find 'alone time', when they both lived with parents and he had no car? Mal smiled behind the shield of socially acceptable monogamy, made up some answer and fought the urge to stare at a passing teammate's butt. Karen showed no interest in changing their arrangement and played along all through high school.
So the eventual conversation same as a complete surprise.
"I don't think our 'relationship' is working any more," Karen said.
"What do you mean? It's always worked fine!"
"Yeah. In high school. But we've grown up now, Mal. We shouldn't have to hide any more."
"You've found someone else? A real boyfriend, I mean?"
"Why is that your first question? You know I'm not interested in boys. Or girls, before you ask. But how many chances for happiness have you passed up, clinging to me?"
"Happiness? I like hanging out with you. We're friends."
"And we always will be, Mal. But this game is starting to stifle our friendship. It's killing it, Mal. I don't want to lose you. And you don't need a fake girlfriend any more."
"Yeah. Yeah, okay." But Mal knew that what she meant was, 'I don't need a clingly boyfriend any more'.
He'd just been dumped from a relationship that didn't exist. So why did it hurt so much?
La'gaan learned early in life what was and wasn't okay. At the Academy in Poseidonis he was often treated, deliberately or not, as a representative of his home city; any personal weakness was a reflection on his entire people. Failure wasn't okay, so giving up wasn't okay. But being too good at anything also wasn't okay in a society that reflected so many purist attitudes.
La'gaan's first crush was a girl named Sheena, another trainee at the Academy. They were eleven years old. They often practised together, and soon they were holding hands and rubbing noses while adults smiled tolerantly and called them adorable. It didn't last long, though.
Then one day, Aqualad came back to visit Atlantis with a couple of surface-dwellers in tow, and La'gaan found, to his complete surprise, that his heart leapt into his mouth when Kaldur'ahm spoke his name. He loved his thoughtful, measured tones, his tendency to let silence speak, his big, strong arms, his skill with his water-bearers.
And that, he quickly learned, as another thing that was Not Okay.
The posters and figurines of Aqualad that began to collect in his room weren't questioned. Hero worship was normal. Later, they were joined by images of Aquagirl and Tempest; all brave heroes who La'gaan admired and in whose footsteps he wanted to follow.
Nobody needed to know that the lips and chest where his eyes lingered didn't belong to Aquagirl.
La'gaan kept in touch with the pretty Martian whom Aqualad had brought to Atlantis that one time. They were fast friends long before Aqualad turned on his allies and unknowingly broke the fanboy's heart. It was her who recommended La'gaan to King Orin, and she was to thank for his eventual position on the Team. For the third time in his short life, La'gaan fell in love.
He didn't blame her for still loving Superboy. Kaldur had, after all, barely known he had existed, so it was really a step up. Besides, he was used to being the fallback choice. He was only on the Team because they'd ran out of Atlanteans.
He couldn't help resenting Superboy, though; the way he scowled at them, sniped at La'gaan, tried to get a rise out of him ad often succeeded. The way his very existence brought his Angelfish pain. People thought La'gaan was being competitive. He didn't think even Superboy and M'Gann had really caught onto the truth; there was no competition. He had a chance with M'Gann because Superboy had dumped her, the same way he had a chance with the Team because Kaldur'ahm had betrayed them, and in both cases he was going to do everything he possibly could to prove himself worthy of the position, but the truth was that he was only even in the running because Superboy had opted out. If he decided he wanted her... well, La'gaan would fight tooth and nail to protect her from the jerk who had hurt her, but he'd seen the way she looked at him. M'Gann wasn't completely over Superboy.
But that was okay. La'gaan was used to not being anybody's first choice. So he learned from surface-dwellers. He watched Mal and Karen, and Dick with his succession of girlfriends. Mal and Karen knew what they were doing, they'd been together forever. He took her out and appreciated her cooking and told her she was beautiful. He gave her love, and was happy that it was returned.
La'gaan was just coming out of the ocean after a nice relaxing swim when he saw Mal sitting on the sand, staring out at the waves.
"You okay?"
"Huh? Oh, hi La'gaan. Yeah." The way his tongue curled around the name sent a shiver up La'gaan's spine.
"You don't look okay."
"Karen and I are over."
"Neptune's beard! I always thought you were the perfect couple!"
Mal smiled at that. "No. But it's okay."
"You don't look okay."
"I'm fine." Mal's slow, measured tones didn't quite hide the lie.
La'gaan glanced out to sea. "Come for a swim with me. I need a swimming buddy."
"I really, really doubt that I can keep up with an Atlantean."
"Well come find out."
Mal, as it turned out, couldn't keep up with an Atlantean. But nor did he want to spoil La'gaan's fun by admitting he was having trouble. He swallowed several mouthfuls of seawater before La'gaan was able to pull his head above the water and tow him to shore. La'gaan dumped him on the sand on his back and leaned over him. "Are you alright, minnow? Can you breathe?" He was conscious. That meant breathing, right? La'gaan had done a course on human first aid, why couldn't he remember?!
Mal was staring at his face, smiling. Was that a good or a bad thing? Was he alert? La'gaan leant closer. "Mal?"
Suddenly, Mal grabbed the back of La'gaan's head, pulled him down, and kissed him. La'gaan felt his whole body relax.
La'gaan pulled away as soon as Mal let go. "Mal, what... what?" A surface custom he didn't know, maybe? What?
Mal looked stunned. "I'm sorry. Oh god. I can't believe I did that, I'm sorry."
La'gaan could still feel the tingle of Mal's lips on his own. He rubbed furiously at his mouth as he stood up. "Look, I know you're upset about Bee, but randomly doing stuff like that to people isn't going to help."
Mal was getting to his feet. "I'm sorry. Please forget it." Mal ran.
La'gaan let him go. What was it about him that screamed to everyone 'general understudy'?
It was easy for La'gaan to stay good and angry, because his heart refused to slow down. He could still feel Mal's tongue on his lip and hear it shape his name. He kept rubbing his neck, trying to erase the pressure of Mal's hand. M'Gann's smile made him feel a little better, although as always, Superboy showing up all but ruined it.
'Forget it', Mal had said. He should forget it.
No. Definitely not.
He caught Mal alone in one of the storage rooms and barred the door with one arm. Mal looked up, surprised.
"La'gaan. Could I – "
"I don't think so, Chum. You and I need to talk."
"Is this about the... beach thing?"
"You think?"
"Look, I said I was sorry. I know you're seeing M'Gann. I wasn't trying to hurt you, or her. It was a stupid mistake."
"What about Bee?"
"Karen and I broke up."
"So you grabbed the nearest pair of lips. I'm sick of people treating me like – "
"No! No, La'gaan... I'm gay. There. I said it. I am gay. I like men. I am attracted to males. People with Y chromosomes have my attention."
"Karen..."
"Is a friend who helped me keep a secret for a long time."
La'gaan stared into Mal's earnest eyes. "I don't think I understand."
"What, you don't have homosexuality in Atlantis?"
"It's not... I mean, people don't like it but... you weren't really in a relationship with Bee?"
Mal sighed. "Not that kind of relationship."
"So why did you kiss me?"
"I just explained the whole gay thing."
"So you actually like..."
"Yes. Yes, okay? I like you. And I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable but it's still true."
Him. Not a replacement. Not a second choice. Mal chose him.
Mal with the earnest eyes and big, strong hands and calm, measured tones.
"Look," Mal continued, "I understand if you can't forgive me, but – mph!" He was cut off by La'gaan's lips locked suddenly on his. Mal pushed him away. "You sure?"
"Yes."
"But M'Gann..."
"I don't want to hurt her. But staying with her while pining after somebody else... would hurt her more, I think. And hurt us, too."
Mal nodded and lowered his arms. Once again, their lips met.
Mal and La'gaan took a long time to learn to stop letting other people tell them what was and wasn't okay.