Summary After carnival scenario. This story is a collaboration of the authors Kara Papas and damn unique.

A/N: Hello guys, we are damn unique and Kara Papas. After seven years of writing we finally decided to take a shot at working together. We're both very busy, but gladly want to bring a great fanfiction for the Shiznat audience. May our writing and wicked minds combined with our history grow into something beautiful.

Beta: Ivy Rose Thorn

Disclaimer: Sunrise owns Mai HiME.

To be loved

Chapter 1 - The Beautiful Plateau

Natsuki

Doubts and regret was all that was left after Shizuru was gone. I knew I had gone wrong at some point. I just couldn't put my finger on the exact moment. Was it when I told her that I can't feel the way she wanted me to? Or was it when I never recognized just how precious feelings were? How precious she was? Either way, things didn't turn out like I wanted them to. The end of the carnival and the disappearance of my power and Duran left me with nothing. I never felt so bare and empty in my life ever before. Not even after my mother had died and my father had left me. Back then, I still had a reason to exist. I had a mission. My personal vendetta against the First District was all needed to get through the day. Every day, every night, every breath solely existed to fulfill that purpose. I didn't allow myself to think about life in all its complexity, but now that all of this was gone forever, living the life of a 19-year old girl seemed an insurmountable task. I somehow managed to get through the last year of school because of Midori's and Mai's patience allowing them to tutor me. I was used to copy Shizuru's stuff and I had never bothered with actually learning the stuff they taught at Fuuka Academy. I was preoccupied with learning what was useful for my life as a warrior, as a HiME. But I realized too late that it was only a temporary refuge. If I had just paid attention to what was important. To what was right in front of me. Maybe I could have made a difference. I could have righted my wrongs. Maybe I would have seen you the way you wanted me to. But I guessed I would never find out. Now that a year had passed, it was obvious that Shizuru would leave Fuuka to live and study at the Shinsuyu University on the east end of Japan. It wasn't something special or unexpected. It was what people did after high school. It seemed that every HiME had a life that was important to them; a life that they had to put on hold during the time of the carnival, but that they could resume when the Obsidian Lord was defeated. Every HiME but me. This battle, this carnival, was my life in a nutshell and looking back at it now, it was over in a blink of an eye. Because I hadn't paid attention to my surroundings, I was alone. I should not have cared since I was used to being alone. But the hole you left in my world was far greater than I had realized. I was never one to give up and I certainly wouldn't start now. It was just a fact that my life was so much duller without Shizuru in it. Like a painting that was lacking color. Shades of colors are all I'm able to see.

As soon as Sakomizu had handed me over my diploma this morning, I left school to evade the ceremony. I never saw myself as someone throwing an academic cap. I wanted to celebrate that small achievement with a self-cooked meal and a ride to the cliffs. Who would have thought that I would bother with something like nutrition, but hell, solitude makes your mind go strange ways.

"Kuga Natsuki?" I stopped dead in front of my apartment when a male voice called my name. For a second, I got paranoid and was about to go into a battle ready position. But then I reminded myself that the First District wasn't after me anymore. In fact, nobody was. Outside of that Kendo guy Takeda who was rather persistent with his idiotic ideas of asking me out. I let the keys in my hand sink and turned towards the voice. I felt embarrassed for a second when I recognized the guy to be the postman instead of a life threatening enemy, but I managed not to blush. At least I've gotten better at controlling the color of my cheeks. I greeted him with a nod and put the keys in the keyhole while he was fumbling in his bag.

"These are for you," he handed me a package of four or five letters, more than I usually got within a month. I looked at him with a puzzled expression but he was already busy fumbling out letters for my neighbors. I got inside my apartment and threw my bag on the couch. No more school. Ever. This might be the chance of starting a new life – or life in general. I followed my bag and let myself on the couch with a sigh. I was sure I could take on the world and the world seemed to think so too since the letters I received were all from different universities. The education system in Japan was rather well structured. The universities would advertise themselves as fast as possible and it was not a secret that today a lot of young people would decide on their course of life. I was one of them and carrying that responsibility alone made me anxious. What if I chose the wrong path? I looked at the cellphone on the table. I knew that I could call Shizuru and ask her opinion, but I didn't want to evoke the image of being needy. We have scarcely had and any contact in the last year and somehow I got the feeling that was the way she had preferred it. Still, it would have been easier to talk this over with someone. I decided that it would be best to take all entrance tests and see which university would still want me afterwards. Maybe I should have spared the one where Shizuru was studying, but something inside me wanted to challenge fate. And indeed, fate took the challenge. For some reason, the only invitation that arrived in the mail after taking the entrance test was from the Shinsuyu University.

Shizuru

I had spent time pondering about many different things while buried within my studies at Shinsuyu University. The Carnival showed me the embodiment of emotions that had grown in Natsuki since she had become aware of my love for her. I could not reason beyond my pain, and I only saw that Natsuki must loathe and be disgusted by me. I was wrong.

We had spent our time during the summer together just being friends. I had always hoped for more, and Natsuki could see it in my eyes. I put off leaving Fuuka just to be with her longer in hopes that she would see that friendship could blossom into the most beautiful love that life could give. Natsuki would always just smile as if it was her way of saying no, and summer came to an end; and so did hope.

Fuuka was my personal heaven with Natsuki. The heaven was also my own hell as I knew Natsuki could never go a step further than friendship. I had my escape to college to aid me in freedom from the demon Natsuki Kuga made me into. The univerisity I was going to escape was a city nestled in the Japanese Alps.

I left Fuuka wondering about how cruel and blind love can be. I felt the detatchment of my heart and realized how broken it was. The mere separation from Natsuki made me feel the power of my demon grow weaker. I found the demon was put into submission when I was at the campus of Shinsuyu University. I had a choice to make when I arrived at this university. Shinsuyu university had a wide variety of specialties for a student with my academic excellence. The departments at the university for specified fields made me feel I could escape from Natsuki. The arts and humanities was something I could become lost in with the exploration of languages, arts, fine arts, and the pseudoscience that explained who we were. Then the sciences, the hard sciences, they could make me cold and calculated. The physics to breakdown all that I understood about the universe. Biology was simple and self-explanatory, and chemistry too. I could do all of these and more. I wanted the subject material that I studied to drown my thoughts. I wanted to never have a spar second to think of Natsuki. It dawned on me that I could do whatever I deemed needed at the time, and go from one source to the next. I did not want to be the president of a student council again after my long stay living at Fuuka Academy. My college life would be different. I would commute to school. I wanted to be a student of the university, and be submerged in the studies I had created for myself. Six months into my first term at Shinsuyu University I had only really heard from Kuga Natsuki once. She had written about something obscure, and said she'd understand if I didn't respond. I could have responded, but her life needed to go on without my demonic influence.

Whilst in my studies I had learned many mottos the university had. There was one I loved the most; "A Harmony of Nature Society and Individual". The Matsumoto campus definitely made me see all the nature there was in that statement. I truly saw myself healing. I had to move on without Natsuki; I finally felt as if I was growing up. Adulthood meant leaving behind some desires. My lingering desire for Natsuki would be the most difficult to let go of. I felt the grip of love in my heart not wanting to let go. My heart whispered softly in my free time as my feet ached as I endeavored an hour and a half hike, walk, at Utsukushigahara Heights. The nature, as my favorite motto suggested, would have the power to set me at harmony with society and myself; my societal view of a woman like myself and how I was seen. I was to be married off to a wealthy business man by now, and yet I stand at the most beautiful plateau ever. The wind played with my hair and caressed my sweat kissed skin. My eyes were shut to the breeze, and my mind tormented me with the ideas of my wounded heart. My eyes must open to see the reality that my heart is blinded with.