Forever
(AU setting, 12 X Clara pairing)
After the Tardis picks up on a ship crash landing on earth the Doctor tells Clara they will go in search of it tomorrow, but then makes an excuse, asking her to go home for the night and leave him alone - because despite the fact that the Doctor has managed to begin a love affair with Clara, he is also keeping much back from the woman he loves, because he has a tragic secret and prefers not to share it...
But soon that secret is exposed, when Clara finds out the real reason why the Doctor is keen to avoid being embraced – because it physically hurts, and that pain has been present ever since his too-fast, rapid regeneration – and the problem is worsening, leading to the conclusion that he has suffered a serious complication with this, the first in a new regeneration cycle...
The Doctor tells Clara the crashed ship is a medical vessel from the distant future, and the occupants have the technology to cure his worsening condition. But when Clara realises how seriously ill the Doctor is, and learns he faces painful and exhausting treatment to save his life, she remains determined to stay in control and carry on as normal, knowing this is what he wants - but soon struggles to maintain her double life - and making time for Danny becomes difficult.
Then just when the Doctor needs her most, Clara is faced with a painful choice, when Danny Pink – unaware of the Doctor's illness - gives her an ultimatum at the worst possible time by telling her that he is no longer willing to share her, and she is faced with a terrible choice:
The Doctor or Danny, she can no longer have both...
And then it is revealed there is something else the Doctor has held back from her – and when she finds out what it is, Clara will be shocked and wonder exactly how well she has ever truly known the man she loves...
Rated:T
Warnings:
Contains adult themes, discussions, deals with the subjects of mortality and heartbreak. This is a highly charged, heavily emotional fic, with heavy H/C and romance themes. An emotional roller coaster.
Disclaimer: I own nothing at all, just love to write fan fiction!
Chapter 1
'The road is narrow and long
When eyes meet eyes
And the feeling is strong
I turn away from the wall
I stumble and fall
But I give you it all...' - Woman in Love, Barbra Streisand.
The Tardis had landed on earth, it had landed unexpectedly – at least to Clara, who had been in the process of getting dressed when she heard the sound of the Tardis engines.
"Doctor?"
He gave no reply as he leaned on the console looking down at the controls.
Clara pulled her thick coat a little tighter about her slender form, remembering it was winter back here on earth and most likely soon going to snow, judging by the slate grey sky she saw from the viewing screen.
She stepped closer to him, placed a gentle hand on the sleeve of his crimson lined jacket.
"We're back already? I thought you said you needed to trace that ship that sent out the distress signal?"
"I did. I communicated with them. They are close by, I've got the co ordinates and they have set up a cloaking mechanism similar to the Tardis chameleon circuit, they disguised the ship safely."
He was still avoiding eye contact.
"And?" she said cautiously, wondering why his voice was hushed.
"And nothing, I communicated with them -"
"You just said that."
"I know, and I said I'd help them repair their ship. A few programming errors caused the emergency landing. It's nothing I can't fix. They're from the far, far distant future, their vessel is also capable of time travel – on a basic level, nothing nearly as sophisticated as Time Lord technology, but I said I'd help them."
And he was still looking down at the controls.
Clara felt uneasy.
The Doctor would not look at her.
He was her best friend and her lover and everything to her, even though she was yet to make the break from Danny, she knew he was the one she loved and intended to be with forever. He held her in his arms, they made love every time she journeyed in the Tardis, he even briefly, cautiously hugged her on a regular basis now.
But here he was, unable to make eye contact and she did not know why, and not knowing why, when the man she loved seemed to be unwilling to look at her, was worrying...
"Is something wrong?"
"No."
He had said that a little too quickly.
"Doctor?"
He turned from the console and met her gaze.
"Everything is fine, why shouldn't it be? I'm going to meet with the occupants of the faulty ship tomorrow and -"
"Don't you mean we?"
"Clara, we're back on earth. As much as I'd love to have you all to myself I do know you need to have some time for your own life. Why don't you go and see soldier boy? If you're not ready to tell him about us, at least give him some of your time, you don't have to be cruel about this."
She frowned.
"Since when have you been so keen for me to see Danny?"
"You have a life to be getting on with until you make the break from him. Don't let me stop you from having your own space."
Now she was worried deeply.
"Why are you doing this?"
He looked into her eyes, his own gaze of pale blue looking unearthly in the glow of the Tardis lighting.
"I'm not doing anything."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not. Time to say goodbye. See you tomorrow."
"But -"
"Tomorrow. I'll meet you in town in that cafe you're so fond of, nine thirty?"
And he stepped forward, cautiously holding out his arms.
"Make it quick and not too tight."
"The cafe? I thought I was coming with you to see this crashed alien ship -"
"It's not an alien ship it's an earth origin vessel from the distant future and we can do that later in the afternoon. Can't I have coffee with you in your favourite cafe tomorrow? I thought you'd like that."
He stepped closer, his arms still held out stiffly.
"Make it quick."
She stepped into his embrace, and he awkwardly wrapped his arms around her, gently, carefully, barely pressing her against him.
She gave him a gentle squeeze as she rested her head against his chest, listened to the sound of twin heart beats beneath his immaculate suit.
And as she held him, she did not see pain register on his face; every touch was agony, but she was yet to know that or understand why...
He drew in a sharp breath and freed himself from her embrace, hiding the pain he felt as he smiled again.
"Off you go, Clara! I'll see you tomorrow."
But she lingered, looking at him suspiciously.
"Where will you go?"
"Nowhere, I'm staying right here, I promise."
"Maybe I should stay too."
Her phone rang.
"Better answer it," he said to her, and she saw it was Danny and gave a sigh, then she answered the call.
"Danny," she said, "Hi..."
And the Doctor stood there watching her, and she turned her back and walked a few paces away from the console as she spoke again, and the Doctor silently wondered why she bothered to do that – he knew she was about to make an excuse to delay meeting with him, she always did that when she turned her back whilst lying on the phone...
"No, no," she was saying, "Not right now...I'm with the Doctor. I'll probably be see you the day after tomorrow...yes, Sunday. I'll be back Sunday...speak soon..."
She ended the call and turned back to the Doctor.
"Why did you lie to him?"
Her eyes widened in surprise.
"Isn't that obvious? I'd rather be with you, and you're more or less kicking me out of the Tardis for no good reason!"
"No, I'm not," he replied as he led her to the door.
She hesitated, pausing as she opened it and looked back at him.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she said, and by the look in her eyes he knew she was expecting some kind of explanation, and he nodded.
"Tomorrow," he agreed, then she kissed him goodbye and left the Tardis.
The Doctor watched her leave, stepping out into the harsh November weather and walking off along the street towards home.
As she walked she did not look back, but the Doctor was still watching her, and as he thought of the difficult news he would have to break in the morning, his eyes filled with tears.
"I love you, Clara," he whispered, and then as the cold began to bite at his flesh through the fabric of his suit, he stepped back and shut the door of the Tardis, to be alone with sorrow that she was yet to understand.
Next morning Clara was up and dressed and out in the cold by nine am, she went into town and waited in the cafe, ordered two coffees by 9.25 and then she waited at a table by the window, looking out as she watched, waiting to catch sight of the Doctor.
As she waited, she wondered why he had been so keen to get rid of her the night before. There had been nothing, if she looked back, no indication of anything being amiss, no reason why he would want to get rid of her so keenly.
They hadn't argued...
Then she was pulled out of her thoughts by a blast of cold air as the door opened and closed.
She looked up and smiled as the Doctor approached their table, he was wrapped in a dark winter coat and wore a grey scarf.
"Morning," he said, and paused at her side, then leaned closer and kissed her cheek. Then he quickly sat down and took a sip of his coffee.
"It's freezing out there!"
"I know."
The Doctor set down his coffee and looked across the table at her. She was giving him that look again – the one that said she wouldn't let the matter drop until she knew what was wrong...
"Well?" she said, and he felt caught by her gaze.
"Well..." he stirred his coffee, and then he pushed it aside and leaned on the table, deciding no matter how hard it would be, he had to tell her something, and to lie at a time like this would be unforgivable...
"I needed to send you away last night because I had something to discuss with the people who need my help with the repairs to their craft."
She frowned.
"And I also need to discuss something else, Clara. I wanted to be sure of the full facts before I explained anything to you, because I didn't want to worry you."
He saw a flicker of apprehension in her eyes.
"Well you failed because I am worried," she said, "Doctor, what's this about?"
He gave a weary sigh. He looked down at the table as he gathered his thoughts, and then he met her gaze once more.
"It's going to take some explaining. Please let me finish, don't cut in while I'm talking, because I want you to understand instead of jumping to the wrong conclusion -"
"Just tell me!"
He noticed her eyes had widened and become glassy, almost as if they were inflating – a sure sign her emotions were already in turmoil, and that was the very last thing he wanted to do to her, so he began to explain:
"You know how I have this problem with hugging? How I don't like to get too close for to long?"
She was still looking intently at him.
"Well, you know that problem?"
"Yes, yes, but you told me not to interrupt!"
"So I did. Well there's a reason for it, Clara. Discomfort. More than that, it's much more than that now, it's pain."
She frowned again.
"Actual physical pain?"
The Doctor nodded.
"It's been happening ever since I regenerated. And its slowly been getting worse. I ran some diagnostics on the Tardis computer and it came back with something. It said I had a complication with my regeneration."
And he looked at her, and she looked back a him with confusion reflecting in her eyes.
"So that means, what? You'll never like hugs? I already know that."
As he looked at her she saw a flicker of deep sadness, maybe even a trace of fear, and it was enough to make her feel more than a little afraid.
"What else does it mean?" she said in a hushed voice.
The Doctor drew in a deep breath and as he spoke quietly, he reached across the table and took hold of her hand.
"This isn't easy for me to say, but I can't keep this from you, Clara. My regeneration happened too fast. The old body was gone, this one was in its place and seconds later, the process kicked in again to replace my kidneys. So just as I got the new body, for a brief time, I was carrying around old, diseased organs from the dying former body. It left traces of cells behind that were mutated by the regeneration process. So far it's manifested as pain beneath my skin, not all over my body, just my chest and my arms... but the pain has been getting worse lately. It's known as cellular mutation, a complication that can happen with rapid regeneration when not all of the body is replaced in one go. It means bacteria can get in and mutate. And it won't go away and it will get worse if I leave it – it could be life threatening -but the good news is, it's one hundred percent treatable and the survival rate is ninety three percent."
Clara gripped his hand, and he felt her tremble.
She blinked to stave off tears as she thought about all he had told her.
"This sounds scary."
The Doctor gave her hand a squeeze and forced a smile.
"It is," he said, "I'm scared, I should be scared... but ninety three percent is a high survival rate. I won't worry about the other seven percent and I don't think you should either. I was planning to find a place that could help me but when I got the distress call and found out it was a medical ship, as soon as I knew they were from the distant future I was sure they'd come up with something, and they have. The mutant cells can be destroyed by radiation. Two weeks of treatment, and I'll be fine."
Clara was still gripping his hand. Her eyes were glazed but she managed to hold back from weeping, because it was the very last thing the Doctor needed, he needed her to be strong because he was terrified, she could see it in his eyes even though he was trying to hide it.
"Two weeks?" she said doubtfully.
"Yes, they can target the cells with tiny, specifically targeted doses of radiation. I'll be taking several hundred each session, but it should be enough to wipe out the mutations."
Suddenly speech was difficult.
Clara swallowed down a lump in her throat and blinked to clear her vision.
"It should be enough? What if it isn't?"
"Well had I been back on Gallifrey they could have wiped it out in one go with cell reversal beams that put the damage right. But obviously I can't get back to Gallifrey, so the alternative is to go with the radiation treatment. This is future earth technology, Clara. Clever stuff, they can do a lot with it."
"But what if it doesn't work?" her voice was breaking up, sounding tearful.
He gave a sigh.
"It will work. If it's not totally effective they can give me medication to wipe out the rest of it."
"This sounds terrible."
"Terrible for me, yes, not for you! I want you to carry on as usual, Clara. Go to work, see Danny, see me too...I won't be going any where until this is over. I'm going to get through this, resolve the problem and then we can forget it ever happened."
He smiled hopefully.
"We can do that, we can get through this – I can get this over with, and then we can carry on with our lives. You don't have to worry."
Then his smile faded. Clara looked devastated by his news, even though he had tried to explain it as painlessly as possible, not much went past her at all, in fact she missed nothing.
He gave her hand another squeeze and then let go.
"Don't worry so much, it's going to be okay," he promised her.
Clara was still tearful.
"Radiation? Mutated cells? It sounds like..." Clara blinked back tears, barely able to bring herself to say the words that had come to mind.
"It sounds," she said again as tears broke up her voice, "Like they're planning to treat it like some form of cancer. That can't be right, you're a Time Lord, it's not -"
"Clara," he said gently, and he reached across the table and grasped her hand again, "It is a form of cancer, a kind that can only be caused by a regeneration error. And it is treatable. Keep remembering that, and please stop crying because I did my crying last night when I was alone and I have no intention of repeating the process."
Clara looked shattered by his news.
He felt shattered too, but now he had voiced it aloud, some how it all seemed easier to mentally process :
He had a plan to sort the problem out, that was good enough, it gave him a firm reminder that there would be an end to this situation, and soon, because the treatment program was a short one.
"Let's go," the Doctor said and rose from his seat.
"Clara?"
She was still seated at the table, and she blinked to clear away her tears and nodded, then she got up and followed him from the cafe, and as they walked along the street heading back to her place, their hands touched, then linked, and they continued to walk, beneath a grey sky and through a chill wind that Clara was too numbed by shock to feel.