…Never Know
.
.
.
.
I wasn't good with words. They stayed stuck in my throat and were spluttered out in my thoughts alone. So I responded in grunts and monosyllabic sounds.
I wasn't always like this.
I remembered running home in the evenings and pecking my mother on the cheek. I always wore a wide smile for her. And then I would ramble on to her about my day in intricate detail. I would sit on the counter as she was baking and chat with her, or work on my homework right there, while simultaneously keeping up the string of words between us. Talking with my ka-chan was normal.
I remembered always pestering Itachi to help me. It didn't really matter in what. Sometimes it was in homework doing calculations of the wind for throwing kunai at targets, or at other times it was shuriken training. I just wanted his company. I loved Itachi even more than his presence continuously hurt me. Ni-san was a genius. He had achieved everything extremely early and always at the best standards. I loved him; he was my idol, hero, brother, friend, protector, teacher and so much more… but he was perfect.
Itachi's perfection made my relationship with my father strained. Even at that young age, I wasn't blind. I felt the full brunt of the neglection my father bestowed me with. I struggled under the expectations, which no matter how hard I tried I knew I couldn't surpass. Itachi wasn't called a prodigy for nothing, and yet unless I could surpass them, I would never receive the acknowledgement I so craved for from my father.
But even with all these things. I was happy. I was alive.
I would get fresh, hot taiyaki from my uncle and aunt's bakery shop on a regular basis. I would play ninja with my friends from the academy. I would swim in the lake by the Uchiha compound. I would lick the batter from my ka-chan's baking. I would listen and learn from Itachi's careful and caring teaching. I would act serious in front of my tou-san, trying to seem older and mature in front of him.
I was a happy child. Open and talkative. I was friendly and considerate.
But that changed.
Now I was quiet and pained. Dark and brooding. I was harsh and cutting.
After the massacre my lifestyle and personality changed drastically. My whole outlook on life was twisted and turned till nothing resembled its predecessor.
Happiness, and joy were foreign to me now. I was cold and emotionless on the surface.
But if only they knew.
The anguish and turmoil that never ceased within me.
They were all dead. I had witnessed their death over and over. Seen as the light faded from their eyes and heard the pained moans from their mouths. Watched the shrieks of terror come from their beings. My nightmares couldn't be brushed off as unrealities, because they were real. Too real. I had seen too much and I would never truly be alright again.
But Team 7, slowly made me feel again.
The dope's description of me was true. I was a bastard. An inconsiderate asshole. But there were so many words I wished to utter, but kept hidden in my thoughts.
Incapable of saying them.
Caught in my throat.
Mentally and physically unable to voice them out.
Team 7 made me happy. But that wasn't allowed. I wasn't allowed to be happy. I was supposed to be dead, with the rest of my clan.
With my mother who always doted on me, with my father who always found my achievements lacking, with my uncle and aunts from the pastry shop, or cousin who had just become a Jounin. With the members of the Uchiha Police Force that were so respected, with the aunt that was a teacher, with the uncle that had lost his pinky on his left hand during a trying fight against a Nuke-nin, with the grandmother that always pinched my cheeks and cooed over me, with the grandfather that would gruffly pat me on the head and then help me sharpen my kunai and shuriken.
I was supposed to be with my clan.
Dead.
Buried.
Far under the cold unforgiving earth.
I supposed to be with them, having only a slab of stone marking my fleeting existence.
But I wasn't. And they were. They were cold, dead and long gone. They weren't smiling and laughing and living. So why was I? What right did I, just a little lost and forsaken boy, have to life?
So I let the guilt eat away at me. I pushed away those sparks of happiness and life that Team 7 created in me. I responded in grunts and cutting words. I was harsh and cruel. Because I wasn't allowed to be happy. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair.
And so Kakashi would never know that he was the father I always wanted.
That he made me feel safe and wanted. That he made me feel recognized.
He would never know that I listened to all of his words closely and always took his advice to heart.
He would never know, about the struggle I went through when leaving for Sound. Because I knew it would disappoint him and it went against all of his teachings to me.
He would never know how much it hurt me to defy him, the father I always craved and finally had. The figure I showed utmost respect to in my thoughts.
He would never know of the pride I felt when he taught me the chidori (I was like him then).
He would never know that the chidori was my favorite technique because it was his, my fathers.
There was so much he would never know.
Because the words escaped me and I gave him grunts and silence.
Because these thoughts and feelings were forbidden to me.
Because the guilt ate me away and denied that these thoughts even existed (even though they were always there).
And so Naruto would never know that he was brother that held me together.
That he pushed me to be stronger and that he was family.
Naruto would never know that I was comforted by his presence (he was my brother (a brother that hadn't killed my – Mother, Father, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Friends – clan) in everything but blood).
Naruto would never know that on missions I waited till his snores, mingled with Sakura's soft breathing and Kakashi's sporadic loud breaths, graced my ears till I let sleep take me too.
He would never know that I didn't mind paying for his outrageous ramen debts. (Because he was my brother and it made him happy. My family was supposed to be happy.)
He would never know that I wasn't able to fight him with the intent to kill at the Valleys End. That I was worried (for him) when his chakra slowly bled red (I was so confused).
He would never know that his presence brought a sense of peace to me. Completion of sorts.
He would never know that his constant irritation was right. (Brothers were supposed to be annoying, but reliable).
He would never know the full extent that he meant to me.
I treasured him as a brother, friend, comrade, teammate, and someone else that understood solitude.
There was so much he would never know.
Because the words escaped me and I gave him grunts, silence and sarcastic, biting insults.
Because these thoughts and feelings were forbidden to me.
Because the guilt ate me away and denied that these thoughts even existed (even though they were always there).
And so Sakura would never know that she meant the world to me.
She would never know how I struggled eradicate smiles that her presence alone brought into existence (because dammit, I wasn't allowed to be happy).
She would never know that her tears made me cringe and wish oh so much that I could wipe them away and make everything better. But I couldn't.
She would never know, how I compared her cooking to my mothers and that I wanted to eat hers everyday.
She would never know, how I beat myself up for always mentally hurting her. For being the constant reason for her pain (and happiness).
She would never know that sometimes on my watch on missions, I would watch her sleep. So calm, peaceful and innocent and wish that time would just stop.
She would never know of the insane rage I always felt, when she was hurt no matter how small the wound.
Of how my heart pounded erratically in my chest whenever she was near.
She would never know of the tingling in my fingers to reach out and wipe away those tears, to hold her hand (and never let go), to feel her skin.
She would never know, about how I ran my fingers through her hair once when she slept and marveled at its smooth silkiness. And how I never wanted to move them.
She would never know, that I thought she was beautiful with those big green eyes which reflected the world in them and showed so much devotion (to me) and emotions.
She would never know of the happiness her mere presence brought me. Because it wasn't allowed…
She would never know of the irrational fear that gripped me when she begged me to take her along to Sound. I didn't want her anywhere near Orochimaru.
She was innocent. She needed to be safe, and in Konoha I knew that Naruto (my brother) and Kakashi (my father) would look out for her.
She would never know of the words which tried to spill over my lips when she cried out her never ending love for me (I love you- I'll come back for you- I'm not good enough for you- All I do is hurt you- ).
She would never know all the hidden meanings behind those two words – Thank You
(…for being you.
…for always being there.
…for caring.
…for being my world.
…for loving me. ).
She would never know of those nights in Sound where I would stay up and think of her (What's she doing now? Is she alright? Does she hate me? Is she safe?).
She would never know that the necklace I gave her on her 17th birthday had been my mothers. That the necklace had been handed down to the Uchiha matriarchs for generations.
(That my father had given it to my mother, that my grandfather had given it to my grandmother, that my great-grandfather had given it to my great-mother…
That by me giving her the necklace I was already promising that one day she would be an Uchiha. That she would be my Uchiha Sakura.)
There was so much she would never know.
Because the words escaped me and I gave her grunts, silence and actions.
Because these thoughts and feelings were forbidden to me.
Because the guilt ate me away and denied that these thoughts even existed (even though they were always there).
But maybe one day (not now… much further away) I will finally have paid my debt. I will finally be able to be happy without the guilt eating me away. Maybe when that day comes, then I won't hide my smiles, I won't let my words stay choked in my throat, I won't lie to myself and my family.
When that day comes, maybe I'll finally be able to be honest. Maybe they'll finally know.
Maybe then they'll understand their true and irreplaceable importance to me.
But till then I will be silent, aloof, cold and emotionless. I shall protect them with little actions that go unnoticed and grace them with my silence, smirks, grunts and monosyllabic answers. I will stay with my family, with my Team, with Team 7.
A/N: Wooh, it's done! I just had this sudden urge to write. I wanted to try writing in Sasuke's perspective and how he thinks of team 7. I wanted to show that he feel like he's not allowed to be happy, ya know? There is some SasuSaku here, but it's mainly team 7 in general and just all Sasuke's thoughts. But meh, tell me what you all think (I'm not too pleased with this… do you guys think Sasukes too OOC?) :] Would love to hear about all of your reactions! Please Review and Critique [:
(oh and take into consideration that's almost 3 in the morning here... so night!)