This is a tribute to my favourite kunoichi, Tsunade Senju A.K.A The Godaime Hokage! None of this makes any sense at all so don't take it seriously please. It's pretty much just crack fiction. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Twilight.
TSUNADE VS. SPARKLY VAMPIRES
"Damn it Shizune! Where are you?" shouted Tsunade for what felt like the millionth time. The unfortunate kuniochi was trekking through an unfamiliar forest totally confused to how she got there. When she first woke up she was convinced she had somehow been Hokagenapped from her office but that theory had died quickly because of the lack of enemies and restraints.
Tsunade stomped her foot in frustration, shaking the ground and trees around her. The trees were too small for her to be in Fire Country and the air smelled more polluted. She was just about to summon Katsuyu when her keen ears picked up the sound of snarling. It sounded more like an attempt from a human to snarl then an actual animal.
Determined to find out exactly where she was, Tsunade set out towards the sound. As she got closer, she began to smell some sort of awful stench that reminded her strongly of decomposing corpses and rotten eggs all mixed together.
She soon sensed several presences and jumped into a nearby tree to observe. From her new vantage point she could spot seven people standing in a large clearing with an eighth person clinging onto another's back looking as though they were about to depart. Not far from the group she spotted a large fire that produced both purplish smoke and that horrid smell. The Sannin nearly fell out of her tree from surprise when all the standing figures tensed and whipped around to look directly at her hiding spot.
Mind you, she wasn't making much of an effort to hide, but to sense her presence was still impressive considering that judging from the clothing and crappy fighting stances, these people were obviously civilians. The busty blond was about to reveal herself and go down to question the people below on her whereabouts when a melodic voice reached her ears.
"We know you are there young one, there is no need to hide."
Tsunade felt her eye twitch and the vein in her forehead throb. How dare he treat me, the fricken Hokage, like some kid! Tsunade jumped from her tree straight into the clearing, intent on giving that blond man a piece of her mind and maybe her fist.
Cullen POV
The Volturi were gone. If the Cullens had been human, they would have let out a sigh of relief. Edward, intent on getting Bella out of there as quickly as possible, placed his girlfriend on his back and was about to depart when the wind blew a new scent into the clearing. The vampires immediately stiffened at the scent of a human and turned in unison to where the faint thump of a heartbeat sounded.
Using their vampire sight, the Cullens were shocked to see a well-endowed blonde woman dressed in a strange garb, who couldn't be more than twenty, standing on a tree branch at the edge of the clearing. Carlisle, assuming the young lady was lost, addressed her first.
Jasper immediately felt intense anger and annoyance coming from the strange woman. He did not understand why Carlisle's words had upset her but he had a feeling they were about to find out.
Alice, who stood next to her mate, was the most confused of all at the lady's arrival. She had not seen it in a vision and even now as she tried to discover the outcome of the impending conversation, all she received was blurry images.
Edward on the other hand, was angry. He could not read this woman's mind and couldn't help but feel furious at the blond for taking away the uniqueness his Bella held.
Esme let out a small shriek when the unknown woman jumped from the tree she had been perched in. The woman fell for about thirty feet before landing perfectly and without injury. This frightened the Cullens as this woman was obviously neither a Vampire nor a Werewolf but couldn't be a normal human to have landed from such a height.
Rosalie examined the newcomer head to toe as she approached the coven plus Bella. The woman wore a strange green robe with an also green jacket over it, dark capri pants and high heels finished the ensemble. Rosalie sneered when she caught Emmett glancing at the woman's shamelessly displayed cleavage. The beautiful blond vampire hoped that she would be allowed to kill the woman before them as, though she would never admit it aloud, she felt threatened by the mortals great beauty.
"Who do you think you're calling young one, you baka?" called out the stranger as she stopped in front of Carlisle, not even fazed by his dazzling looks.
"I did not mean to offend you Ms.…" replied Carlisle, fishing for the woman's name.
"Tsunade. Now where am I and how far are we from Konoha?" said the newly named, Tsunade.
Carlisle exchanged confused looks with his family before answering, "I'm afraid I've never heard of Konoha Ms. Tsunade. May I ask what you were doing in the forest?"
Tsunade narrowed her eyes at Carlisle before replying cautiously, "There's no way you've never heard of Konoha… Who are you and why did you bring me here?"
Carlisle didn't get a chance to answer Tsunade's strange question before said woman's eyes widened almost comically and she jumped away, farther and faster than any human could.
"What are you? You have no heartbeats! You should be dead!"
Carlisle wasn't sure how the woman knew they lacked a pulse but he did know to keep his family safe, the woman needed to die. Edward heard Carlisle's thoughts clear as a bell and raced away with Bella still clinging to his back. The rest of the family knew what was to happen and turned away, already feeling the guilt of what they were about to do, except Rosalie who watched with an excited gleam in her butterscotch eyes.
Carlisle, being the most controlled around blood, ran with vampire speed behind the woman with the intent to snap her neck. What he did not expect was the woman to anticipate his moves and turn to block his outstretched arms and deliver an inhumanly strong punch to his face sending him flying across the clearing.
Back to Tsunade
Tsunade jumped out of reach of the others and frowned at her clenched fist. Her fist was throbbing slightly from the punch; the man had felt more like stone (and she definitely knew what that felt like punching) then flesh.
She didn't dwell on that long as she was attacked by the remaining…whatever they were. As she blocked and dodged, she noticed that, while these things were as fast and strong as Jonin, they had the Taijustu abilities of an academy student if not worse.
The dark haired burly one was the strongest but as she delivered a blow to the gut that should have caused the victim to spit out blood, she mused that he fought more like a mindless animal than anything else. The one to watch for was the male with hair a similar colour to her own light blond locks, as he had the least pathetic fighting moves.
Tsunade used a replacement jutsu to escape being punched by the small, quick, spiky haired female, and used their confusion to say, "I am the Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves! Do you really think I'll be defeated by a bunch of civilians?"
The walking corpses, as she mentally named them, just snarled and hissed at her. Now away from the fighting, Tsunade noticed with a sense of dread that none of her devastating blows had left marks on her opponents. Deciding to finish this quickly, Tsunade bit her thumb, went through the hand signs, and slammed her palm into the ground shouting, "Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
A cloud of smoke signalled the arrival of her faithful summon, Katsuyu. The mountain sized white and blue slug barely fit into the clearing. To her disappointment, the walking corpses had run out of the way of Katsuyu and were therefore NOT crushed by her arrival. Oh well, guess we'll have to do this the hard way.
Tsunade, not forgiving of those who try to kill her for no good reason, ordered her Slug to spray her opponents with acid.
Meanwhile down below, the Cullens watched wide-eyed and disbelieving as the woman stood on top of the giant slug she had somehow made appear in the clearing. Esme let out a tearless sob and she embraced her husband, ready for the end to come. The surrounding couples did the same; all of them convinced that they stood no chance against this monster.
Not one of them moved when a giant glob of an unknown substance was shot down at them, covering them head to toe.
Tsunade winced as her sensitive hearing picked up the grating sound of inhuman screaming coming from the enemies below. She watch dispassionately as they group dissolved into nothing, their deaths final.
"Katsuyu, can you transport me back to the village?"
Katsuyu's soft voice replied, "Of course my lady," and with a puff of white smoke, the Godaime Hokage and her summon were gone.
Back at the clearing later that day, Edward Cullen with Bella on his back returned to see a burning hole in the ground as all that was left of his family. Edward sank to his knees, letting loose an anguish filled scream. Bella, being the naïve and kind of stupid girl she is, put her hand on the obviously unstable vampire's shoulder. Said vampire reacted before he could think and threw his human love across the clearing into a tree where she was impaled on a sharp branch, dying instantly.
Edward, blind with grief and madness, would later run/swim to Volterra (He wasn't stable enough to take a plane) and commit suicide in the same way he planned to not a year ago. This time though, there was no Bella to stop him and he died with nothing to live for.
In Konoha, Katsuyu appeared outside the Hokage tower letting her Lady climb into the window of her office before disappearing back to her home.
On arrival, Tsunade was immediately bombarded by a half crazed Shizune clutching a blue in the face Tonton too tightly to her chest.
"My Lady! Where have you been!I've been looking everywhere for you! The ANBU said you disappeared! The Council were about to declare a new Hokage but then reports of Katsuyu being sighted stopped them!"
Tsunade cut off her apprentice's rant with a simple, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," then ordered then poor woman to stop killing her pig and get her some sake. She had some major paperwork to catch up on and there was no way she was doing that without being good and drunk first.
The End! I just realized, reading through this, that I used a mix of English and Japanese names for things in this story, so I apologize if any of you are confused by it. I guess you could say the Cullens were a bit OOC but I tried my best. As for the Cullens just accepting their fate instead of running…It's my opinion that if I was confronted by a giant slug I would just give up. Oh and if you're wondering why Tsunade summoned Katsuyu instead of killing the vamps herself, it's because she didn't know how to kill them! I hope everyone liked it! PLEASE REVIEW!