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A/N: Chapter 1/12 of New Adventures

New Adventures is a set of stories inspired by Callie/Erica and their cupid, Mark Sloan. The action picks up after S4 finale, may contain some spoilers for S5, but not much because I don't know much. This set of stories should be completely done before the S5 premiere, and should help me survive the next month.

All chapter titles are borrowed from R.E.M.'s album, New Adventures in Hi-Fi, but rearranged to fit the narrative.

Chapter 1, New Test Leper, is told from Mark Sloan's POV.

As always, I really appreciate reviews and encouragement of all types! PLEASE! Ok thank you! Bye bye!

I don't own Grey's Anatomy or R.E.M., or any of the characters therein. Or Jesus. Or Buddha, for that matter.

……

"New Test Leper" – R.E.M. – New Adventures in Hi-Fi (1996)

I can´t say that I love Jesus
that would be a hollow claim.
He did make some observations
and I´m quoting them today.

……

"Mark Sloan! The usual, I presume?" Joe swiped at the bar with a damp rag as I collapsed into the barstool.

"Water," I said. Joe cocked his head, almost opened his mouth, and shut it quickly.

"Water it is!" He disappeared the other end of the bar, where Cristina Yang was holding court over interns, loudly explaining the procedure she'd done on Cement Boy in the OR. The interns were listening like thieves to her tale of near-death heroics, her head bobbing and weaving, her hands replicating the procedure in the air as she orated.

I popped a pretzel in my mouth, thinking back to the drama I'd help engineer today between Callie and Erica. It was hard not to feel proud – I'd finally been able to figure out what a woman was thinking before she even knew it herself. A definite first for me. This 'new leaf' was going to be really helpful if I just remembered to think first, act second.

"I heard you lost out today, man," Joe slid the glass of water into my hand.

"Mark Sloan never loses, my friend. The greatest loss is to receive without gratitude," I bit down hard on a pretzel and chewed it into dust. "That's Buddha."

"Buddha? Deep. Very deep."

"I know. New leaf."

"So where is Dr. Torres?" Joe's eyes twinkled knowingly.

"Callie's with – " I paused before saying my girlfriend. Think first, act second. Erica Hahn wasn't anywhere near being my girlfriend. I downed the rest of the water. "She's with Erica. I think they left together."

"They left together? Did they go back to my apartment? I heard they made out. Is that true, Sloan?" Cristina suddenly materialized behind me, yanking on my arm, her words all running together into one long, desperate word.

I swiveled around to face Yang, thinking first. "I don't know."

"Come on, Sloan. I heard they were going at it like two horny teenagers in the parking lot! You had to have seen it, you were just out there." She paused between each of the last three words, poking her finger to my chest with each of the three. She narrowed her eyes and waited.

"Spill it, Mark," Joe urged, refilling my water glass. I swiveled back around, shoving another handful of pretzels in my mouth, my eyes darting between Cristina's anxious expression and Joe's bemused one.

"S'true," I mumbled through the mouthful of crumbs. I chewed slowly, thinking, there is no harm in telling the truth, right? The truth will set you free, or something.

"I knew it!" Cristina hopped up onto the neighboring barstool. "This whole time, Callie's been defending that evil Hahn – I knew there was something going on. Callie isn't nice to anyone. And Hahn, she's a completely different person when Callie is around. This explains everything!"

"Callie's nice," I mumbled. Cristina's smirk vanished.

"You're only saying that because she slept with you. Thin walls, remember?" She knocked twice on the bar. "I hear everything. She used you as a rebound lay from George!" Cristina swirled her finger around her glass, relentlessly. She was going to keep needling me until I agreed with her. I'd seen her in action against Derek, and this was not a battle I wanted to fight. Not tonight.

"Judge not, lest ye –"

"Jesus? You're quoting Jesus now? When, exactly, did McSteamy go fundy? Is this because of the Date and Tell thing, like, penance or something?" Cristina stood up, hands on her hips. Using a trick that Callie once taught me, I just stared back at her. Through her. She lasted longer than other people but eventually, Yang threw up her hands and stomped away.

Joe refilled my glass again, thoughtful. "Buddha. Jesus. This really is a new leaf for Mark Sloan, isn't it?"

I opened my mouth to reply when the bar door swung opened and in walked Erica Hahn, looking pale and tired. She didn't look around the bar, her usual confident swagger more like a confused shuffle as she made her way to a table and sat down, hands in her lap. Cristina and the interns stopped talking and stared obviously at the blonde.

"That it is, Joe. Gimme her usual, will you?" Joe nodded. He quickly poured the merlot and handed it to me. Act second, I thought. I made my way over to her table.