Pairings - Uhm... 2+1, 1xR... eh heh heh...
Disclaimer - Amazingly enough, I don't own Gundam Wing... Wow.
A/N - This is a challenge fic Tommi Gurrl had me do... And I was feeling kind of depressed when I wrote it... Whatever... I haven't really planned this, it's just coming to me. I intend for this to be REALLY depressing, so if you don't like that kind of thing, don't read this. Read something happy! Ah well, here goes nothing! Oh yah, this is in Duo POV, but at the end it switchs to normal! And I think it's kind of OCCish... Sorry...
Key - italics Letter; normal Present day/flashback; boldThoughts/Present day flashback
WARNING - DEATH FIC! Heh heh heh... think you got it...
-Miracles-
December 31, 199ac
Heero,
Love. The single most meaningful word ever known to man-kind. So many emotions
fit under the word code-named love. Happiness, ecstasy, peace of mind... I've
heard love is like a flower... It hides inside until Spring, and then it
blossoms into a beautiful rose. It's a feeling that cannot be described by any
mere mortal, the most wonderful feeling in the world. Nothing can destroy it, it
can only grow and become more beautiful. When the one you love is around,
everything seems brighter and more colorful. A word from that special someone
can make even the most impossible dreams come true. Love is the greatest miracle.
But that's a load of bullshit.
All love is, is unbearable pain. It's like an unrelenting knife, never does it
stop slicing at your heart, tearing it to shreds. You can curl up and hide, lick
your wounds, but in the end it doesn't count for shit. When you see that one person it
happens all over again. People always say they just forget the hurt, the love,
the dream, and move on. But that's a damn lie. You can hide your love in a part of your heart where
it can never been seen, sheltering it from the cold; but who you love isn't
something you can choose. There's just that one person, and every smile they
send your way lights up your heart... Until you finally realize that one special
smile was never for you.
-flashback-
"Duo," I feel a calloused hand on my shoulder, and my whole body relaxes. I stop typing and turn to look into those cool blue eyes, those eyes that have lost a bit of their ice since the war. I feel a classic Maxwell smile appear on my face as the grip on my shoulder tightens.
"Heero," I reply, trying to keep my voice cool and controlled. "What d'ya need, pal?" I ask energetically, grinning and jumping out of my chair. If I can't be cool and controlled, I can at least be the jester. I shiver slightly when his hand slips off my shoulder, it's almost as if that touch is the only thing that could ever keep me warm. Heero smiles slightly, and my heart dances. Those gorgeous smiles of his aren't so uncommon anymore.
"Are you doing anything later? If not, do you want to go to a movie? I'm not doing anything after 9:30." I grin even wider, and pray Heero can't hear the beating of my heart that is blocking out all my senses. Putting an arm around my best buddy's shoulders, I nod my head.
"Sure! What movie d'ya wanna see?" I ask excitedly. Heero opens his mouth to answer, but a ringing noise from his pocket silences him. Holding up his index finger, he pulls his small cell phone from it's hiding place. I watch his movements, entirely entranced. It doesn't matter what he does, every motion is immediately memorized and cherished. He answers the phone, and I watch his lips, spellbound.
"Heero Yuy." he answers monotonely, and I smile gently. It's amazing the way he slips in and out of soldier mode so easily. I see him relax, as he says,
"Relena! What do you need?" my chest tightens, and I sit back down at my laptop, typing madly. I try to ignore the conversation, and busily type up my latest mission report. Sometimes it seems as if Heero and I have switched roles. I finally hear him hang up the phone and he sighs, pivoting on the carpet to turn and look at me.
"Duo? I'm sorry, Relena just told me she wanted me to attend a party with her. Maybe we could--" I cut him off gently, turning to look into those entrancing cobalt eyes. I force a smile onto my face, swallowing the lump in my throat, and say,
"Don't worry about it! Some other time. Go, get ready." Heero smiles at me, and swiftly walks toward his room. I turn back to the computer, biting my lip as a crystalline drop of water falls and hits the keyboard.
-flashback ends-
You know, I've found myself wishing I never met you on more than one occasion, all our friendship seems to do is cause me pain. But then, I think about my life without you and wonder if such a thing could ever be possible... Life without you would be worthless for me, that's why I stay by your side. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere in the war you became my lifeline. I remember the way you used to hold me when I had a nightmare and couldn't fall back asleep... Just a touch from you could soothe me into a blissful slumber. And sometimes I even found myself annoying you, just to hear you talk to me... Even if all you would say was "omae o korosu", or call me an idiot.
And I believed in those stupid things called miracles. But do you know what I know now? Miracles don't exist. I thought maybe one day you'd look at me in a different way, and I'd hold on to that slight hope until there was nothing else for me to hold on to. And then, when you were sleeping, you'd whisper her name, and that tiny bit of hope would just die. And that damn cycle just kept repeating itself until I thought I'd go crazy...
"You leaving yet, Heero? Relena'll be upset if you're late!" I hear a clatter coming from Heero's bedroom, and force a laugh. I can't let him know how much this hurts for me... Even if we can't be together, at least he can be happy.
"What'd you break THIS time, Heero!" I ask jokingly. Heero sticks his head out of his doorway at the end of the hall, and sends me a mock glare. At nineteen, the two of us still act like children. I guess making up on lost time.
"Omae o korosu, Maxwell." he says in a gruff voice, and I laugh again. He smiles slightly, and goes back into his room. I lean back on the couch and close my eyes, just to hold onto that smile a little longer. Besides, my head is pounding... But a different smile replaces the one I just saw.
Relena's smile. Well, not her smile, but the smile that only she recieves from Heero. It's the same as any of his other smiles, except his eyes. When he smiles at Relena, his eyes seem to soften I can barely even recognize them as his. They seem to take in every detail about her, and fill with love. The love that I will never recieve.
"Duo?" I hear Heero's voice, and smile involuntarily, a smile that is only a ghost of the Maxwell smile. Opening one eye, I look up at him, taking in every single detail, and saving it for later. "Do I look alright Duo?" he finishes his previous statement, and my smile grows, but only slightly. I look into those cobalt eyes and nod, giving him my approval. Not that it matters.
"Duo, what's wrong? You don't seem as happy as you used to be." Heero blushes slightly, as if he didn't mean to ask me that, another image to add to my "Heero gallery". I hear a bitter laugh echo around the room, and only moments later realize it's mine. Heero looks at me out of confused and slightly alarmed eyes, and I shake my head, softening the bitter look to a more remorseful smile.
"Heero, it doesn't matter. I'm used to it." I say softly. Heero. I love the way his name rolls of my tongue. Almost as much as I love the way he says my name. I could listen to him saying my name for the rest of my life, and I'd be completely happy.
"Duo?" he says, and as I open my eyes again, I notice he looks extremely distressed. You know, it's all Heero's fault I have a mother-hen mode. If it weren't for him, alot of things would be different. But as I see him looking at me out of those anxious eyes, I mentally kick myself fifty times and go straight to comforting him.
"Heero, it's okay! I'm fine! You don't have to worry!" I whispering in as soothing of a tone I can manage. But I'm lying. Yup, Heero Yuy has succeeded in making me lie. I have come up with the biggest, most elaborate lies known to mankind, solely for his happiness. My head is hurting like Hell, and the world is spinning. I choke down the bile rising in my throat... just as the door bell rings. Heero is looking at me concernedly, he doesn't even go to answer the door.
"Heero! Go!" I say. I know it's Relena, and the way he keeps looking at me, and then the door, and then me again; I know he knows it too. So why isn't he going? And then... he shakes his head.
"Not until you tell me why you're unhappy. I don't like it when my best friend is upset." he says, sounding rather like a young child wanting a piece of chocolate.
"Heero!--" I begin, but he cuts me off.
"Now." he says in a stern voice. All anxiety is gone from his face, all I see now is raw determination. I sigh, knowing he has won this time. Looking up into his eyes, and ignoring the pain in my head threatening to tear me apart, I whisper,
"Unrequieted love, Heero. Now go." Looking at me one last time, he leaves. I force myself to keep my eyes open until I hear the door shut behind him, but then they fall shut.
Heero's loving eyes, the eyes I've only seen directed toward me once before in my life, are the last thing I see before everything goes black.
-flashback ends-
I just want you to know, I really did think about this. I thought about it so much it hurt. But you know what, Heero? It doesn't matter anyways. Do you remember that day you asked me if I loved Hilde? And I said yes? I lied. Heero, I have lied so many times! And I'm hoping, maybe you can find it in you to forgive me. Because I never meant to hurt you. I hope you are never hurt. You've been hurt to much already.
I'm sorry. Remember after the war, after the war with Mariemeia? I'm sorry I didn't come to you right away. I was trying to forget you! But it didn't work, did it? We were separated for three months before I had to go looking for you. Hilde said I was stupid for trying to find you. For giving up everything. But you know what Heero? That was probably the best decision I ever made. Because even after almost four years of having to sit and watch you love Relena, and not being able to do anything, just to make you happy (It seems that's all my energy and strength goes into making you happy, now) the times weren't all bad. It was ok. Because I was with you.
-December 31st, 199ac-
"Duo! Today's the day!" I turn abruptly, and my heart sinks. The day. The day Heero's going to ask Relena to marry him. I smile at him, trying to forget all about my love for him, and soley thinking about tonight. I have decided, I am going to do it, tonight.
"Congratulations, Heero! It took you long enough, didn't it? After 4 years of dating her!" I laugh, and turn back to the computer. Listening to Heero's excited voice chattering in the background, I begin typing my letter. The letter telling him of my decision. All of a sudden, the room grows quiet, only the noise of the keyboard breaking the silence.
"What's wrong, Heero?" I ask, minimizing my page and turning to look at him. He has that stony expression from the war on his face, and I leap up.
"Heero!"
"You aren't listening at all, are you, Duo? A great best friend you are. My happiness does not matter to you, does it?" I cringe at the harsh words, and immediately try to patch things up. I refuse to have my last night here ruined by a fight.
"I'm sorry, Heero!" I exclaim, catching Heero by the arm before he storms off into his room. He bites his lip nervously, and I see regret filling his eyes.
"No, I'm the one that should say I'm sorry, Duo... I'm just so nervous!" I laugh. Why should he be nervous, he knows Relena will say yes! I shake my head, I never could stay mad at him... In fact, over the years, I've lost the ability to even GET mad at him!
"Don't worry about it, Heero... You shouldn't be nervous at all. Heero, can I tell you something?" I pause, and watch as Heero nods his head. Inhaling I begin to say those three magic words.
"I--" the doorbell rings, and cuts me off. I decide to show him how I feel in a different way. Grabbing his arms, I pull him close to me, and press my lips against his. I stand there, savoring the sweet feel of his lips on mine, and then pull away, looking into his shimmering cobalt eyes one last time. I see no anger in their depths, and pressing one more kiss to his soft lips, I run into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. Curled up in a protective ball, I hear him begin to call my name, but another ring of the doorbell silences him. He stops short, and I hear footsteps coming toward my room. I look up once to make sure the door is locked, but Heero doesn't try to open it.
"Goodnight, Duo." he whispers, then he calls her name and I hear the footsteps fade to silence. I sigh as the front door shuts, and leave the protective realm of my room to finish typing my letter. All the while praying he'll understand.
XX-XX
An hour and a half later, I look down at the clock to see that it is 10:59... Only an hour left. I revise my letter one more time before printing it, and then put it in a blood-red envelope... Red is his favorite color. Sealing it I tie blue ribbon around it, and write his name in my best handwriting. Blue, to match those magical cobalt eyes of his. I leave it out on the kitchen table, I know he'll find it there. Then I take our phone, and call Hilde. I need to tell her something before I go.
"Hilde Schbeiker, how may I help you?" her familiar voice rings out over the line, and I respond immediately, the jester in place.
"Hilde, babe! How are ya?" I hear her gasp on the other line, and I laugh softly.
"Duo!" she squeals. "What do you need? Don't tell me Heero kicked you out! I always knew living with him would be a bad idea. Why don't you back he--" I cut her off.
"No. I just wanted to tell you, I'm happy. You were wrong. Bye, Hilde. Tell the rest of the guys that for me, wouldja?" and then I hang up. The phong rings back immediatly, but I don't pick up. I know it's her. I look at the clock again. 11:15. I sit down, thinking about the happiest day of my life. Perfect for tonight. Then, when I go to sleep, I can still see those loving eyes.
-flashback-
"Duo. Are you happy?" Heero was always asking me questions like this. Questions about life and love, two things he didn't understand whatsoever. I laugh, and shake my head slightly at him. Heero cocks his head at me, a questioning look in his eyes.
"Why not?" He shocks another laugh out of me, and I shrug, smiling softly at him.
"Are you?" I ask, answering a question with a question. Another confused look is shot my way.
"I'm a soldier, I have no need for anything like happiness. Why should it matter?" He answers casually. I look into those deep blue eyes of his, and give the only logical answer I have.
"So am I, Heero. But I don't want to fight. I don't want to be some nameless soldier, the only thing keeping me going, my anger and hurt. I want to stop killing people. I want to be me, Duo Maxwell. Not pilot 02, not some soldier on the battlefield who fights for no purpose! I want someone to fight for, I want to be someone! I want to be know normal things about me, like my birthday! I want to know who I am." Heero looks confused again, a piece of chocolate colored hair hanging in front of his eyes. I smile, he would never want to hear me say this, but he's the cutest thing I've ever seen.
"April 1st." he says all of a sudden. It's my turn to look confused now, but I am too shocked to speak. Instead of a confused expression on his face, he's smiling. Just a tiny bit, but his eyes are looking at me like I'm the most beautiful thing on earth. My chest tightens as he finishes his thought.
"Your birthday's April 1st. You know, in old times that used to be called "April Fools Day". It was a day where everyone played pranks on each other." I am caught up in his gaze, and finally get the gift of speech back, a slight smile appearing on my face.
"January 1st, Heero. The day a new year starts. New chances, new opportunities." Heero smiles at me again, and I shiver convulsively. Heero leans close to my face, his dark eyes never wavering. He blushes a little bit, and whispers,
"Duo, can I tell you something?" I nod, totally unable to make a sound, then ducking my head. Heero smiles again, and puts a finger under my chin, pushing my head so I can look into those marvolous cobalt orbs of his. He traces a finger along my jaw, and I can almost swear I hear him whisper "Beautiful..."
"I think I love you." he murmurs, almost inaudiably, but louder than before. My heart stops. Heero. Loves. Me. Me. Duo Maxwell. Heero loves me. I start to smile, but think again. I'd be happy, the happiest person alive, but will he be happy? I think about Relena, and how much she could do for him. I think about how much better she would be for him. And I think about getting hurt. What if he decides he doesn't love me anymore? What if he leaves me? Could I just put it under lock and key and try to forget? Could I go on? And the smile vanishes. I don't say a word, but I can't stop staring into those eyes. All the light in his eyes disappears, and slowly he removes his finger from beneath my chin. I keep looking at him. Pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead, he whispers,
"I'm sorry. Just forget about it." But I don't forget. I just sit there silently and watch him leave. And then I cry, it it feels like it will never ever stop hurting.
-flashback over-
Heero...
You know Heero; you are beautiful. Has anyone ever told you that before? Just in case they haven't, I'll tell you again. You are beautiful. Do you remember when you told me I was beautiful? That was probably the happiest day of my life... I never let you know that though. Do you remember that day? The day you told me you loved me? I never did tell you my answer did I? Well here it is- I love you. If you want to, you can just forget this whole thing. But maybe, just maybe you still have a little place in your heart for me. Maybe you still love me, just a little bit. Maybe there are miracles. But I guess I'll never know now, will I?
I'll never stop loving you,
Duo
Duo Maxwell died on January 1st, 200ac, at 12:05am. Cause of death- Suicide
A funeral was held on January 6th, only ten attended. Heero Yuy, Relena Darlian, Hilde Schbeiker, Quatre Winner-Barton, Trowa Barton-Winner, Zechs Marquise, Lucrezia Noin Marquise, Wufei Chang, Sally Chang, and Lady Une.
Heero Yuy was married to Relena Darlian on April 1st, 200ac
Heero died, in 263ac, after being married 63 years and having two children. Heero Jr. and Duo Yuy.
The name Duo Maxwell, was never heard again.
"I don't believe in miracles..."
"I loved you, too..."