Author's Note: Poking fun at the Death Eaters is a twisted hobby of mine.
This has been the first I've written in a while, but I hope you like it.

I have a weird sense of humor, so please bear with me. :D
Enjoy!

Some things are better left unknown.

Or are they?

In Malfoy Manor where schemes are formed and weaklings meet their demise, there's also something else: the clandestine lives and lies of the dreaded Death Eaters. Be forewarned, Muggle, things are not as they seem, and this is proof.

Skeleton No. 1
Macnair's Dump Truck Worthy Feet

Now I know why he always wore those Chanel boots he fancied so much. But I had the unfortunate chance to be near him when he took them off and I caught a whiff that was a cross between a decaying corpse and boiled brussel sprouts. Oh, I was never the same again.

Skeleton No. 2
The Beauty Secrets of Bellatrix Lestrange

I had first thought she was using gruesome concoctions to maintain her face (although her hair needs some attention as well) but I found out the truth when I snooped around in her room for some Cristal: Olay. Shelves and shelves of Olay. And here I thought she was against Muggle products when she blew up Nott's plasma TV last week.

Skeleton No. 3
Lucius' Secret Life

It wasn't a sordid affair with Molly Weasley, as many of the Death Eaters were predicting, which would piss off Narcissa, anyway. No, he, despite of being rich, had two jobs: being a wealthy jackass, and a sous-chef for Olive Gardens. How's that for flexible?

Skeleton No. 4
Alecto's Police Record

She had a wild night once; after going to a bar somewhere in London, she stole a car and rammed it straight into a tree. She came home with a DUI under her belt and the title of "the next Lindsay Lohan." Whoever that is.

Skeleton No. 5
The Other Career

I overheard Barty Jr. confess that he didn't want to be a Death Eater, originally. He had yearned to be a part of some boy band whose name I forgot. Could you tell me, what is a boy band, Muggle? Would they be a threat to us Death Eaters?

Skeleton No. 6
Letters To Old Mum Fairbottoms

Or as he is more known: Antonin Dolohov. It is a very obsecure section of the The Daily Prophet that serves as an advice column for witches about their lovelife. Kinky one, that Dolohov. He always knew how to get through the ladies. I suppose we should have been more suspicious enough when we noticed Dolohov was the only one of us getting tons of mail. Robe catalog, my ass.

Skeleton No. 7
The Unknown Son

Apparently, Rookwood was more promiscuous than he implied. One day, a boy came on the Manor's doorstep, insisting to see "Daddy Augustus" at once. He was sent away, of course, but I could've sworn Rookwood cried when the boy left.

Skeleton No. 8
The Collection

It wasn't me who snooped this time. Rosier found a secret room in the Manor filled with every Witch Weekly issue ever printed from top to bottom. Who they belong to, I'm not sure. But I have my suspicions.

Skeleton No. 9
The Death Eater Escapades

The Dark Lord insists on these sessions whenever there was a lull around. Once, we TP-ed Dumbledore's house with pink toilet paper. I had been curious about the color of choice, but the Dark Lord simply shushed me. He knows something we don't, I'm sure. Another time, we rented a karaoke machine of some sort, and quickly discovered that Lucius' singing is like a buzz saw. Why Narcissa married him, I have no idea.

Skeleton No. 10
Severus' Hidden Talents

He can whip up a perfect Long Island Iced Tea, I can tell you that. I suppose his mixing talents aren't just limited in the Potions classroom, eh?

This has been me, Peter Pettigrew, on the expose of my comrades and the secrets they keep. I hope that your mind has been cleared somehow. We are not as what you thought.

Who knows, maybe I'll dig up on my Dark Master next.

Thanks for reading, and comments and feedbacks are very much appreciated. (:

If you liked this, I'll possibly do something on Voldy next, 'coz I love him so very much. Haha.